i'm not okay i promise.
i just got back from maryland today.
alot of stuff happened since tuesday of last week.
tuesday:i got arrested for shoplifting. handcuffs and all. i am forever
banned from all walmarts. that's the saddest thing ever.
i used to LIVE at walmart.
my car broke down in the same day.
wednesday: i had to leave it all to go to maryland to deal w/ my dad.
thursday:megan(my sister)arrived so it wasn't that bad. kind of
cassie and christie's graduation & dinner cruise that night
friday: took an interest inventory quiz to find out what i like
and what i should do in life. my results = avoid everything.
i don't like anything so what the fuck am i supposed to do.
watched star wars.. it made me sad.
saturday: went to PA and saw the play Ruth at Sight & Sound theatre.
confrontation w/ dad, hilda, meg and me. sucked really bad.
sunday: meg left, went to church very unwillingly.
took a nap. went to church that night even more unwillingly.
more fucking confrontation ending with me sitting there not
looking at them repeating over and over, calmly, "i don't care"
the convo was about college and god and fuck all.
i have too much apathy (if that makes no sense at all..oh well)
to fucking CARE. and my dad doesn't get it. he says that i need
to have "DRIVE" AND "HUNGER" to go to college. but he doesn't get
that most ppl have to have the will to live before they can have
drive or hunger for anything else.
monday:finally i flew home. ayla and haley attempted to come pick
me up at the airport. got lost. hour & a half later found the airport.
we got lost. made it home 3 hours late. too much fun. *sigh*
i got to see dallas. yay. i guess.
so here i am..
just a few random thoughts....
...most of my thoughts are filled w/ the disappointment on mom's face.
....the cops & hand cuffs.
....i can't sleep at night. but when i finally drift away,i dream of committing suicide.
....mom found out about my tattoo finally. i'm getting another one soon
....ayla turns 18 tomorrow
....i don't wanna live life anymore. it takes too much effort.
....i'm not happy with life. i don't know what i want from it.
....i'm not happy with myself. my parents, as hard as they try.
....i'm not happy with friends
....i'm not happy with dallas.
.................................................I AM NOT HAPPY.
....and i don't know how to fix it.
....b/c i don't know what i want...
..........therefore how the fuck am i supposed to attempt to be happy?
why does my family have to be so fucked up.
my dad. nothing is EVER or EVER will be good enough for him. he'll be laying on his
death bed trying to instruct his daughters on how to be better.
my mom. she loves me unconditionally. but when she trys to help,
it makes me feel worse.
ya know when i graduated,and we sent out invitations,
mom said most ppl would just send me money
but i didn't really expect anything. just acknowledging it is nice
well ppl from tom's side of the family( he's my STEP dad) gave me money.
when i went to maryland, ppl from my STEPMOM's side of the family,
who have prolly met me at most 3 or 4 times in our lives, gave me way more money
than i would've expected from most. a few of mom's friends even sent me money.
and an aunt and an uncle(different sides of the family) that i never see cuz one lives in
germany and the other lives in south carolina, gave me money!
the ppl in pulaski that i see the most, on my mom's side, the ppl that i grew up with,
like my own grandmother, didn't even send a card.
i don't even know what to think of that. but i guess i deserve it.
i'm a stranger to them. they only know me thru my mother. and its her view of me and what i do.
none of them really know me. it's so sad that some random girl from arab alabama (my best friend)
knows so way much more about me than my family. i grew up with them from the time i was 1 until i was 15.
on the ninth i'm going pigeon forge with dallas, beth (& joseph her b/f), and their dad & stepmom.
i reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly hope that we have fun. they're all so different from me.
i'm kind of nervous. i've never even met their dad, and all he knows about me so far is that
i've been friend's with beth for a while, i'm currently dallas's g/f, and that i recently got arrested
for shoplifting at walmart. oh hows that for a first impression. fuckme.
i'm not okay i promise.
i don't turn to drugs when i have problems.
i don't drink.
i don't even really have access to any of it even if i wanted it.
although everyone in arab says that drugs are the easiest thing to get
b/c they're so abundant around here, i can't get em in a moment's notice.
but i really don't care.
i don't really talk to anybody about anything.
i refuse to burden others, or to tell them and them not fucking care would break my heart.
i don't cut myself anymore, as much as i'd like to. the ppl that i see the most either don't fucking
care or wouldn't understand, and they wouldn't try to either.
i can't get in my car and just ride around listening to music b/c the piece of shit is broken.
what do i turn to???????????????????
some ppl say god. i don't want god. i don't feel that i will help me. at least not in this stage in my life.
what else is there?
i'm so fucking depressed and although it consumes me, like there isn't a moment that goes by that i'm not depressed, whether i'm laughing or smiling, i feel like it would show, but i don't guess it does.
no one notices me. but ppl are all about themselves so why would they. i wouldn't know what to say if they did notice or cared to ask me.
i know nothing. except that i am not ok and i don't know how to be ok.
why is it that i have a journal that nobody reads except for 2 ppl. (sorry, i don't even know why yall bother to read my bitching. i guess that's why no one else does...)
i don't know why i bother with myspace or anything else.
i really don't know why i bother with life.
i just really don't fucking know!!!!!!
alot of stuff happened since tuesday of last week.
tuesday:i got arrested for shoplifting. handcuffs and all. i am forever
banned from all walmarts. that's the saddest thing ever.
i used to LIVE at walmart.
my car broke down in the same day.
wednesday: i had to leave it all to go to maryland to deal w/ my dad.
thursday:megan(my sister)arrived so it wasn't that bad. kind of
cassie and christie's graduation & dinner cruise that night
friday: took an interest inventory quiz to find out what i like
and what i should do in life. my results = avoid everything.
i don't like anything so what the fuck am i supposed to do.
watched star wars.. it made me sad.
saturday: went to PA and saw the play Ruth at Sight & Sound theatre.
confrontation w/ dad, hilda, meg and me. sucked really bad.
sunday: meg left, went to church very unwillingly.
took a nap. went to church that night even more unwillingly.
more fucking confrontation ending with me sitting there not
looking at them repeating over and over, calmly, "i don't care"
the convo was about college and god and fuck all.
i have too much apathy (if that makes no sense at all..oh well)
to fucking CARE. and my dad doesn't get it. he says that i need
to have "DRIVE" AND "HUNGER" to go to college. but he doesn't get
that most ppl have to have the will to live before they can have
drive or hunger for anything else.
monday:finally i flew home. ayla and haley attempted to come pick
me up at the airport. got lost. hour & a half later found the airport.
we got lost. made it home 3 hours late. too much fun. *sigh*
i got to see dallas. yay. i guess.
so here i am..
just a few random thoughts....
...most of my thoughts are filled w/ the disappointment on mom's face.
....the cops & hand cuffs.
....i can't sleep at night. but when i finally drift away,i dream of committing suicide.
....mom found out about my tattoo finally. i'm getting another one soon
....ayla turns 18 tomorrow
....i don't wanna live life anymore. it takes too much effort.
....i'm not happy with life. i don't know what i want from it.
....i'm not happy with myself. my parents, as hard as they try.
....i'm not happy with friends
....i'm not happy with dallas.
.................................................I AM NOT HAPPY.
....and i don't know how to fix it.
....b/c i don't know what i want...
..........therefore how the fuck am i supposed to attempt to be happy?
why does my family have to be so fucked up.
my dad. nothing is EVER or EVER will be good enough for him. he'll be laying on his
death bed trying to instruct his daughters on how to be better.
my mom. she loves me unconditionally. but when she trys to help,
it makes me feel worse.
ya know when i graduated,and we sent out invitations,
mom said most ppl would just send me money
but i didn't really expect anything. just acknowledging it is nice
well ppl from tom's side of the family( he's my STEP dad) gave me money.
when i went to maryland, ppl from my STEPMOM's side of the family,
who have prolly met me at most 3 or 4 times in our lives, gave me way more money
than i would've expected from most. a few of mom's friends even sent me money.
and an aunt and an uncle(different sides of the family) that i never see cuz one lives in
germany and the other lives in south carolina, gave me money!
the ppl in pulaski that i see the most, on my mom's side, the ppl that i grew up with,
like my own grandmother, didn't even send a card.
i don't even know what to think of that. but i guess i deserve it.
i'm a stranger to them. they only know me thru my mother. and its her view of me and what i do.
none of them really know me. it's so sad that some random girl from arab alabama (my best friend)
knows so way much more about me than my family. i grew up with them from the time i was 1 until i was 15.
on the ninth i'm going pigeon forge with dallas, beth (& joseph her b/f), and their dad & stepmom.
i reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly hope that we have fun. they're all so different from me.
i'm kind of nervous. i've never even met their dad, and all he knows about me so far is that
i've been friend's with beth for a while, i'm currently dallas's g/f, and that i recently got arrested
for shoplifting at walmart. oh hows that for a first impression. fuckme.
i'm not okay i promise.
i don't turn to drugs when i have problems.
i don't drink.
i don't even really have access to any of it even if i wanted it.
although everyone in arab says that drugs are the easiest thing to get
b/c they're so abundant around here, i can't get em in a moment's notice.
but i really don't care.
i don't really talk to anybody about anything.
i refuse to burden others, or to tell them and them not fucking care would break my heart.
i don't cut myself anymore, as much as i'd like to. the ppl that i see the most either don't fucking
care or wouldn't understand, and they wouldn't try to either.
i can't get in my car and just ride around listening to music b/c the piece of shit is broken.
what do i turn to???????????????????
some ppl say god. i don't want god. i don't feel that i will help me. at least not in this stage in my life.
what else is there?
i'm so fucking depressed and although it consumes me, like there isn't a moment that goes by that i'm not depressed, whether i'm laughing or smiling, i feel like it would show, but i don't guess it does.
no one notices me. but ppl are all about themselves so why would they. i wouldn't know what to say if they did notice or cared to ask me.
i know nothing. except that i am not ok and i don't know how to be ok.
why is it that i have a journal that nobody reads except for 2 ppl. (sorry, i don't even know why yall bother to read my bitching. i guess that's why no one else does...)
i don't know why i bother with myspace or anything else.
i really don't know why i bother with life.
i just really don't fucking know!!!!!!