Moonlight Monday!
Author's Note: It's not easy to write, knowing that I need to make some pretty severe changes in the previous few chapters, and I'm still not sure if I have Charias and Izeri's interactions right. Things are going to be awkward between them for a while, but I don't know if that's how it comes across, or if it reads like poor characterization. Grrr.
Let me know what you think, if you get a chance. I really appreciate the comments. ^_^
A soft knock on the door startled Izeri out of his dark, self-flagellating thoughts and he pulled away from Jakil, hastily picking up Jakil's handkerchief and mopping at his face.
"That's probably Charias," he said, standing up. He glanced down at Jakil. "Do I look like I've been crying?"
"A little," Jakil said. Izeri wiped at his face with the back of his hand as he headed across the room, his steps no longer painful, but no amount of healing magic could fix the mess he was in. Although...He suddenly remembered something Jakil had said, an alternative to talking to one of the professors-visiting the library. Perhaps he could find something, some long-lost piece of folklore, some abandoned science experiment, some biological reason that he could use to convince Charias that the spirit hadn't taken, that he hadn't been changed. At least it was something he could do, instead of just doing nothing.
Izeri scrubbed a hand across his face one last time before opening the dorm room door. Charias stood in the hall, back against the opposite wall, his hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders slumped as he stared down at the floor. Izeri took a bracing breath as Charias raised his head, but the sight of him still made Izeri's heart ache. He just looked so sad, so guilty, so miserable...and it was all Izeri's fault.
Taking a deep breath, Izeri decided then and there that he was done crying, done feeling sorry for himself, and done making Charias upset. He would find a way out of this if he just gave himself a little time, he would find something, think of something, and until then he would do whatever he could to make Charias happy. Not whatever he had to, or whatever it took-he'd trust the spirit that faking it was not a good choice-but whatever he could do with his limited knowledge of human behavior and physical relationships. It was the least he could do, and much less than Charias deserved, after saving Izeri's life.
Izeri suddenly realized he was standing there, staring across the hall at Charias, with his shirt wadded up in one hand, his chest bare. Feeling his face heat up, he quickly pulled it over his head, just as Jakil brushed past him into the hall.
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't do it on purpose," Jakil said-just what Izeri had been afraid he'd do. "I want to hear you say it...if you can."
"Jak, knock it off," Izeri said, giving the hem of his shirt a sharp tug as he stepped in front of Jakil. "I told you it was an accident. Now just leave it alone, okay? I'm not mad at him; why are you?"
"You're not mad at him because you're in shock," Jakil said. "I'm your friend. It's my job to look out for you and I'm not completely convinced that he didn't do this on purpose because he's obsessed with you and he thinks that if you're like him then you won't have anyone but him to turn to. And he's also wrong," Jakil said, shifting his gaze back up to Charias' dark eyes. "I don't care what you did to him, he will always be my friend."
"Do you really mean that, Jak?" Izeri asked quietly. "Even if I turn into something horrible?" He heard a noise and glanced over his shoulder as Charias stalked off down the hall, back toward their room. Where was he going? He'd said they'd get breakfast- Izeri gasped, raising one hand to cover his mouth as he suddenly realized what he'd said. "Oh, shit." He started after the shark.
"Izeri, don't," Jakil said and Izeri paused, looking back at him. "You don't need him. Whatever he told you about no one else understanding...it was a lie. I don't care what you turn into, you'll always be my friend."
"Thanks, Jak," Izeri said, a small smile tugging at his lips, because he could tell that Jakil meant it, and perhaps it would even be true, if Izeri was really going to turn into a shark. But he wasn't. "But I still need to apologize. I didn't mean that the way it sounded." And before Jakil could question him further, he ran down the hall after Charias. "Charias, wait," Izeri said, but the shark had already disappeared around the corner. When Izeri reached the corner, he heard their door slam and he stopped, a cold, tightness in the pit of his stomach.
"Maybe I should wait for him to cool down," he muttered.
Coward, the spirit replied, and it was right. He hated confrontations. He hated getting pulled into a fight and being unable to defend himself, because without his wings, every challenge, every fight that was presented to him, he lost. It was easier just to avoid trouble. But sometimes, easier wasn't better. Squaring his shoulders, he marched down the hall to his room and opened the door.
Charias was standing in front of his dresser, pulling on a gray hooded sweatshirt. "I'm going for a swim," he said, his voice flat, toneless. "I'll be back in a while, so don't come looking for me."
"Charias, I'm sorry," Izeri said.
"You don't have to be sorry," Charias replied. "I knew you'd change the way you felt; it's normal. It wasn't reasonable for you to be okay with this. It hurts, but I'll get over it. I know it's not your fault." He turned to walk past Izeri, but Izeri pushed the door shut and stepped back against it, preventing Charias from leaving.
"Will you just stop for a minute?" Izeri said. "I didn't mean what I said. I just wanted to hear what Jak's answer would be. I do not think you're something horrible. I think you're beautiful; I think you're magnificent. But there's no guarantee that I'll look like you, is there? I could turn into some dumpy little bottom-dwelling, mud-colored sand shark with snaggle-teeth, for all we know. I just wanted to hear Jak's answer, that's all, and I'm sorry-I wasn't thinking or I wouldn't have asked him with you standing there. The last thing I want to do is hurt you."
Charias had been staring at the wall just to the side of Izeri's head, his face cold and hard, but slowly his expression softened and he finally turned his dark eyes on Izeri. "I know," he said, his voice low. "I just...I've gotten used to expecting the worst and I'm just waiting for this to fall apart. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry," Izeri said softly. "It might fall apart. We don't know what's going to happen. Do you...Do you want to stop, before things get serious? More serious, I mean. Stop before we get hurt?" It would be the simplest answer to his problem, but he was surprised to discover that even if it would fix everything, it was not something that he wanted.
"I couldn't do that," Charias said, an intensity in his dark gaze. "Even if I knew that I would lose you tomorrow, I would hold you today and love you for every moment that we had together."
His words were like a physical force, driving the air out of Izeri's lungs and he gasped, his body shaking as he drew breath. "So would I," he said. And that was what he would do-hold Charias and love him until everything fell apart. He stepped away from the door, into Charias' arms, and buried his face in the tall human's chest, his hands closing around fistfuls of his gray sweatshirt. Charias' strong arms enveloped him and he felt the shark's chin rest on the top of his head.
After a minute, he turned his head, his cheek over Charias' heart, the steady beat in his ear as he looked across the room at his alarm clock. "It's still early," he said. "Are you starving, or could we go back to bed for a while?"
"Back to bed...?" Charias repeated, a question in his voice.
"Yes," Izeri said, drawing away and looking up at him. "I'd like to kiss you without having to get a stepladder."
Charias smiled. "All right. And don't worry - I won't try to push you into anything else."
"I'm not worried," Izeri said, kicking off his shoes and slipping out of his pants. "In fact...if it's all right with you, there's something I'd like to do."
"Oh?" Charias asked, arching an eyebrow as he removed his shoes. "What did you have in mind?" He stripped off his sweatshirt and the T-shirt beneath, then unbuttoned his jeans and stepped out of them, regarding Izeri for a moment, standing there in just his socks and boxers. Izeri's gaze traveled slowly over his broad shoulders, his long, muscular arms, his flat stomach, the soft shadow of a six-pack beneath his smooth skin, the waistband of his shorts riding low on his hips... "And would it be better if I put my shirt back on?"
Izeri felt his face heat up as he realized he was staring and he quickly looked away. "No, no-it's fine. I mean, you can if you want to-I don't mind-"
"Are you sure? You were staring."
"Well, yeah," Izeri said, tucking his hair behind one ear before his burning face could catch it on fire. "How could I not? You're gorgeous."
"Really?"
Izeri looked up, his lips pressed into a thin line as he blew an annoyed breath out through his nose, but it took only a moment to realized that Charias wasn't teasing him. There was something raw but guarded in the shark's dark eyes. "Yes, really," Izeri said. "I've always thought you were attractive, even when I was trying to fool myself into believing I didn't like guys. You made that rather difficult, to be honest. You...you really couldn't tell? You caught me staring often enough."
"A lot of people stare at me," Charias said. "That's what happens when you're freakishly tall-"
"You're not 'freakishly' tall," Izeri said.
"Yes, I am," Charias said. "I'm a foot taller than anyone else in my family. And still growing."
"Well, I don't think you're too tall." Izeri hesitated, then stepped toward him and took his hand. "I think you're perfect. Now come on, back to bed." He was shaking inside as he led Charias across the room and waited for him to slip under the covers, a nervous, excited fluttering in the pit of his stomach, a tightness in his chest, a worry that he was doing something stupid again, that he was making a choice for all the wrong reasons.
But he didn't feel like it was wrong. When he peeled his shirt off and climbed into bed, it felt right. When he ran his hands down Charias' chest and kissed his lips, it felt right. When he pressed close and felt Charias grow hard within the confines of his boxers, it felt very right. Closing his eyes, Izeri let the sensations wash over him-the smell of Charias' sweat and aftershave, the sound of their breaths and soft sighs, the feel of Charias' hands caressing his back, the hard muscle under Izeri's fingers, the soft lips against his own. The night before - the mistake - had felt rushed and rough, panicked, forced. This was slow and tender, gentle touches and deep kisses. It was what making love was supposed to be.
Charias' hand brushed the lower edge of one wing ridge and Izeri drew a sudden breath, pulling back far enough to whisper, "Wait."
"Sorry," Charias said, dropping his hand down to the small of Izeri's back. "I didn't mean to-"
"No, that's not it," Izeri said, raising his hand to stroke the side of Charias' face, to trail his fingertips along Charias' lower lip. "Remember in the changing room, when you touched my wings and I yelled at you? Remember when I said I'd never touched a human dick before? I...I wanted to change that, if it's all right with you."
"You want to touch me?" Charias asked, his voice just a hoarse whisper.
"If it's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
"Then it's okay," Charias murmured, reaching up to catch Izeri's hand and grace his palm with a soft kiss. "In fact, it's more than okay. At the risk of sounding creepy, I've had dreams about your hands, so elegant and delicate, so beautiful. So just to warn you, I, uh...I may not last very long."
"That's okay," Izeri said, his voice low. He pressed his lips to Charias' one more time, then squirmed a little farther down the bed, his hand finding Charias' hip and resting on the waistband of his boxers. His heart began to beat faster as he slowly slipped his fingers beneath the elastic and pushed it down, his hand sliding over smooth, bare skin as he worked the shorts down to Charias' thighs. Charias' breathing grew fast and heavy, and Izeri could feel him trembling, his hands moving restlessly up and down Izeri's back, but careful not to touch his wings again. It wasn't that Izeri minded the touching, he just didn't want to be distracted.
Closing his eyes, he let his hand slide over Charias' thigh, memorizing the hard muscles beneath the soft skin as he trailed his fingers upward. Charias drew a sharp breath as Izeri touched his balls and Izeri opened his eyes, looking up into Charias' face. Izeri froze, pinned by the weight in Charias' dark eyes, an intensity so raw it was scary-a need, an ache, a desperate, frightened plea: Izeri, please...He could almost hear Charias' hollow whisper, the longing in his voice, the fear that this was just another dream, that he'd blink and Izeri would slip away like smoke.
Maybe he was wrong; maybe he was seeing more than there was, but that really didn't change what he needed to do. He let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding, calmness and certainty filling that trembling pit in his stomach as he accepted the power that Charias was offering him-the power to bring him the greatest joy, or the most terrible despair. Loving someone, trusting them, was giving them the power to hurt you - something he'd been raised to believe only a fool would do. But Charias was no fool, and love was not a fool's weakness. It was strength, and for the first time in his life, Izeri felt strong enough to take such a heavy responsibility and cherish it.
With a steady hand, he cupped Charias' balls, surprised by the size and weight of them. It was one thing to read in a textbook that human testicles were thirty to fifty percent larger than faerie testicles, but it was something very different to feel the solid, round globes nestled against his palm. He held them for a moment, then shifted his hand upwards, Charias' breath catching and shuddering through his large frame as Izeri's fingers brushed the smooth skin of his cock.
"Is this okay?" Izeri asked.
Charias swallowed convulsively, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down, then he nodded, as though he couldn't even manage to speak.
Izeri leaned close, placing soft kisses at the base of Charias' throat as he wrapped his hand around the base of his cock. "Don't worry," Izeri whispered. "I've got you." Slowly, he slid his hand up the thick, smooth length of Charias' shaft. It felt so strange, so unlike his own slender, ridged cock, almost like it could be some other appendage, but then his fingers reached the rounded head, the soft skin hot and already slick with pre-come, and there was no mistaking it for anything other than what it was.
With light, careful touches, Izeri explored the crown, the slight flare at the base of the head, the slippery fluid leaking from the slit. Charias trembled against him, his whole body tight, his breathing ragged. Izeri tilted his head up to kiss the base of Charias' jaw, the scratch of stubble like sharkskin, making his lips tingle. His fingers smeared with fluid, he stroked down the shaft, then back up; Charias clutched at him, a low, helpless moan escaping him.
"Izeri..." he whispered, the plea even more plaintive than Izeri had imagined.
"It's okay," Izeri murmured, his lips brushing against Charias' throat. "I want to feel you come." He pressed a kiss to Charias' pulse, feeling it flutter against his lips as he slipped his other hand between their bodies, stroking a finger along the slit and smearing the pre-come over the head as he stroked the shaft with a firm, steady hand. Charias' grip on him tightened, a helpless sound escaping his lips as his hips snapped forward, spilling his seed into Izeri's hand, warm and slick. Izeri caressed him through each shuddering wave of pleasure, the hot skin sliding against his palm, the moment unexpectedly profound. It was something more than sex, more than love, even; something he couldn't put into words or even a fully-formed thought. It was just a feeling in his chest, inside his whole body, a feeling too big for him, too important, too valuable to be trusted to a selfish, cowardly fey.
And yet, Charias trusted him. Charias gave him this moment, allowed it to be, wanted it. Charias let himself be vulnerable, he let Izeri take him apart one small touch at a time, and he let Izeri witness it. It was unlike anything Izeri had ever seen before, unlike anything he'd ever expected to see. He should have been revolted by such a display of abandon, but he couldn't help but find it beautiful, though he couldn't quite understand why. To have Charias so helpless, at his mercy...
"Are you all right?" Charias asked, his voice soft and breathless, but laced with concern and guilt.
His hands still holding Charias' cock as it grew soft, Izeri turned his face upward. "I've never been better," he said.
"What about you?" Charias asked. "Do you want me to-"
"No," Izeri said as Charias began to slide his hand upward, toward Izeri's wings. "Not this time. I...I've never felt this way before and I'm just trying to understand it."
"Is it a good feeling, or a bad one?"
"Good. Very good. Better than I de- than I expected." He almost said deserved, but that would have invited questions he didn't want to answer.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Maybe later," Izeri replied. "Can you reach the tissues?"
Charias raised his head and reached out one arm, grabbing the box off the corner of his desk. He pulled several sheets free and Izeri carefully slipped a sticky hand out from under the covers to take them. He wiped off his hands, getting between each finger, and then cleaned up the drips that escaped to the sheet. He tossed those tissues into the trash and pulled out a couple more, reaching underneath the blankets again. Charias gasped, his body tensing as Izeri started to clean him up, and he reached down, taking the tissues out of Izeri's hand.
"Sorry," Izeri said. "I guess I should have asked."
"It's okay," Charias said. "I just don't think we need a repeat of what just happened quite so soon."
"Oh." Izeri felt his face heat up. "Right. Of course. Sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry," Charias said, wiping himself clean and throwing the tissues into the garbage. He pulled his shorts back up, adjusting the waistband for several moments before growing still again. Izeri could feel a tension in him, and he scrambled to find something to talk about, something to distract Charias from whatever was bother him, but his mind was blank. He nearly cringed when Charias drew a sudden breath.
"I know you said you weren't ready to talk about it, but is it all right if I say something?" Charias asked. Izeri couldn't think of a reasonable excuse to say no, so he had no choice but to nod. "First of all, that was amazing. I never thought anything could make me feel like that. But." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I think...maybe I should have stopped you. Maybe we're not ready for this sort of thing. You said you wanted to go slow, and after last night, I completely agree, but this doesn't seem very slow to me. This seems pretty fast. And one-sided. And - please don't take this the wrong way - I know faeries don't generally do things out of the goodness of their hearts, so I have to wonder...what did you get out of it?"
Don't lie to him, Izeri, please.
Izeri closed his mouth on what he was going to say, swallowed hard, and took a deep breath. "You're right, that's how faeries are, most of the time. But when I'm with you...I don't feel like a faerie." It was strange, speaking the honest thoughts and feelings he had, the personal things he tried to keep inside, tried to protect. This was why he lied-because the truth made him feel vulnerable. "Which is good. There are a lot of things about my culture that I'm discovering that I don't really like. When I'm with you, I want to do things for you out of the goodness of my heart, not because I'll get something out of it."
Izeri glanced down, licking dry lips as he worried the edge of the sheet between his fingers. "But I am still a faerie, and what I get is a closer bond with you, and I get your willingness to reciprocate at a later time, and I get to learn about human sexuality, and I get to see you lose control, which in faerie culture is a social coup for me, and I get to thank you for saving my life, and-"
Charias' hand caught his chin and tipped his head back, kissing him with both tenderness and passion, lips plucking at his own, coaxing them apart, and then he felt Charias' tongue dance across his own, a sensation that made his head spin. Charias drew back, his hand caressing the side of Izeri's face. "As long as you didn't do it because you thought you had to, or because you thought I wanted you to. As long as it was something you wanted, too."
"It was," Izeri said, breathless, his hands inexplicably sliding over Charias' chest. He didn't remember putting them there.
"Good." Charias wrapped him in strong arms and drew him close. With a sigh, he rested his head against Charias' shoulder, one hand pressed to his chest over his beating heart. "I don't expect you to say it so soon," Charias said. "but I need to. I love you."
Izeri's eyes slid closed, his chest filled with a hollow pain as he was torn between what he wanted to say, and the right thing to say.
"I know," he said finally, sliding his arms around Charias and holding him tight, hoping he would understand what Izeri could not honestly say.