I Am A Writer.
Last night Jodi Meadows (jmeadows) wrote a fantastic post titled " I'm a writer (but I'm not going to tell my neighbor)."
I wanted to comment when it first went up, but I wasn't quite sure what to say. Since then she's gotten nearly 90 comments on this post, mostly from others agreeing with what she wrote and sharing their own stories. A year ago I'd have said the same. And it got me wondering... what happened?
I never used to say I was a writer. I didn't think I was. I wasn't confident in my abilities or my dedication. I'd say I was in grad school, I'd even say I was in an MFA program if asked. If anyone found out what I really did, I got the questions, the looks. And I hated them. They made my stomach sink. They made me retreat into myself, mumble answers I didn't really agree with, hide who I felt I really was and what I loved to do.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game*
I don't know what happened. But something did change. For one thing, I graduated. I was no longer "a student." I had gotten to "The End" of two novels. I'd revised the heck out of one. And slowly, the questions that used to leave me tongue-tied began to wear on me in the other direction. I was tired of hiding it, like having a dream was some sort of shameful secret.
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap
It's time to try defying gravity
I started querying. And I told people. I wasn't going to hide it any more. No matter what happens, I'm not going back.
I'm through accepting limits
Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change-- until I try I'll never know
I still hate the questions and comments:
"Are you published?" followed by "Well, why not?" like I should snap my fingers & have it happen.
"Oh, I'd write a novel, too, if I had the time." (My usual response: *tight-lipped smile & nod* followed by ranting to my friends)
"You write young adult fantasy?" (followed by that look.)
"You know no one gets published anymore."
"It will never happen."
They still get to me. But I will not let "them" dictate to me what I'm going to do with my life. It's the only one I get, and I'm going to do what I love.
And who cares, when I have parents who support me? When my husband asks every day what I've worked on and if I sent out more queries? When my friends all encourage me? When my boss at the Day-Job introduces me as a writer to basically anyone who walks into our office?
I know I'm lucky in this; a lot of people on Jodi's comment thread aren't. And I totally respect all of them and their decisions. Being a writer is hard.
To play on Jodi's doctor analogy, not a lot of people will knock a med student for not yet being a doctor, but plenty of people will knock writers for not being published (yet). I don't think it's right, but I can completely understand wanting to shield yourself from that kind of thing. I definitely used to, and there are times when my confidence fails and I say "data entry" when people ask what I do.
But, in general...
I think I'll try defying gravity and you won't bring me down.
*Italicized lyrics from "Defying Gravity"-- technically from Wicked but I own (listen to obsessively) the Glee Cast version.
I wanted to comment when it first went up, but I wasn't quite sure what to say. Since then she's gotten nearly 90 comments on this post, mostly from others agreeing with what she wrote and sharing their own stories. A year ago I'd have said the same. And it got me wondering... what happened?
I never used to say I was a writer. I didn't think I was. I wasn't confident in my abilities or my dedication. I'd say I was in grad school, I'd even say I was in an MFA program if asked. If anyone found out what I really did, I got the questions, the looks. And I hated them. They made my stomach sink. They made me retreat into myself, mumble answers I didn't really agree with, hide who I felt I really was and what I loved to do.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game*
I don't know what happened. But something did change. For one thing, I graduated. I was no longer "a student." I had gotten to "The End" of two novels. I'd revised the heck out of one. And slowly, the questions that used to leave me tongue-tied began to wear on me in the other direction. I was tired of hiding it, like having a dream was some sort of shameful secret.
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap
It's time to try defying gravity
I started querying. And I told people. I wasn't going to hide it any more. No matter what happens, I'm not going back.
I'm through accepting limits
Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change-- until I try I'll never know
I still hate the questions and comments:
"Are you published?" followed by "Well, why not?" like I should snap my fingers & have it happen.
"Oh, I'd write a novel, too, if I had the time." (My usual response: *tight-lipped smile & nod* followed by ranting to my friends)
"You write young adult fantasy?" (followed by that look.)
"You know no one gets published anymore."
"It will never happen."
They still get to me. But I will not let "them" dictate to me what I'm going to do with my life. It's the only one I get, and I'm going to do what I love.
And who cares, when I have parents who support me? When my husband asks every day what I've worked on and if I sent out more queries? When my friends all encourage me? When my boss at the Day-Job introduces me as a writer to basically anyone who walks into our office?
I know I'm lucky in this; a lot of people on Jodi's comment thread aren't. And I totally respect all of them and their decisions. Being a writer is hard.
To play on Jodi's doctor analogy, not a lot of people will knock a med student for not yet being a doctor, but plenty of people will knock writers for not being published (yet). I don't think it's right, but I can completely understand wanting to shield yourself from that kind of thing. I definitely used to, and there are times when my confidence fails and I say "data entry" when people ask what I do.
But, in general...
I think I'll try defying gravity and you won't bring me down.
*Italicized lyrics from "Defying Gravity"-- technically from Wicked but I own (listen to obsessively) the Glee Cast version.