I'll never get by living on my own ability.
i'm unhappy. not in a depressed, suicidal kind of way. i guess i am more disappointed than anything. isn't your life supposed to get better as you get older? i would give almost anything to be as happy as i was last summer. nothing is the same as it was. nothing. and nothing is as simple as it was back then, either. sometimes i can look back on the past with nothing but warm thoughts, and sometimes it just makes me realize how much i have screwed up in the past year.
i honestly feel like she was not allowing me to grow. i was being held down, and i can't explain it to anyone. it's just how i felt. and there are times when i am completely fine with us not being friends. but i also have times when all i can do is think about her. i miss her. i always will. it doesn't matter to me the terms we ended things on. nothing will change the fact that sophomore year, she saved me from myself and she is the reason why i can say that by the end of senior year, i was happy again. i never lied when i told you that i will love you forever. i will. i still do.
i have let some of the most important people slip away. cady and amanda were two of my best friends, and i've let our lives become completely seperate of each other. all it required was a little bit of work, and i couldn't do it.
i still think about him. i was sure that every boy i ever met, i would compare to brad. until he came along. and now all i want is to have those feelings back. when he felt them too. i know i should hate him for how much he has hurt me. but i don't. i know all of the pain that he is capable of inflicting on me, yet i still feel like i am still connected to him for a reason. there is a tiny speck of hope in the back of my mind that makes me feel that maybe things will work out.
i know all of this is my own fault. and it is up to me to fix things. and i have just finally come to fully realize that i can't do it alone.
"I'll go, but I cannot go alone because I know I am nothing on my own."