049
Oh my gosh, am I excited to have One Tree Hill back in my life again. I feel like it's one of the only things to calm my nerves this week.
I read my old journal, the one where every entry that holds any significants is private. With exceptions, some important ones are public because I want people to know and well my journal, I choose what's is public and what isn't. I read the entries from this month last year and things are so different and the same all at once. I had to steady myself while I was showering to keep from falling down with the tears. I can't decide if it's that I miss Nick more because today last year was the last time we spoke or if it's because the emptiness I tried to hard to fill over the last year has shown that it's so far from being okay.
I have good days and bad days, I have anxiety attacks and I don't know what to do when they happen. I don't know how to stop it or when they're going to come. I am not prepaired.
I think about dying a lot. I think about how selfish I am for thinking about it, though don't misunderstand, I do not think about suicide. I just think about death in general, what happens after, how it affects the peoples lives in which you were once apart of. How people prevent it and how they ask for it, how they fear it and how some people expect it.
I miss having the people in my life that I am certain that they care about me & I miss knowing that no matter what situations I get myself in that they will not judge me and they selflessly love me for who I am. On days like these, in my moments of desperation, I need to know that they're still here.
My gosh, my gosh, my gosh. MY GOSH.
I wish I wasn't so out of it lately and I wish I didn't feel like I was some how losing the people around me. I need to get my own life, I need to see what's out there for me. I need to embrace LIFE again. I want to dance in the snow and in the sun, I want someone to dance with me. I want someone to want to dance with me.
I read my old journal, the one where every entry that holds any significants is private. With exceptions, some important ones are public because I want people to know and well my journal, I choose what's is public and what isn't. I read the entries from this month last year and things are so different and the same all at once. I had to steady myself while I was showering to keep from falling down with the tears. I can't decide if it's that I miss Nick more because today last year was the last time we spoke or if it's because the emptiness I tried to hard to fill over the last year has shown that it's so far from being okay.
I have good days and bad days, I have anxiety attacks and I don't know what to do when they happen. I don't know how to stop it or when they're going to come. I am not prepaired.
I think about dying a lot. I think about how selfish I am for thinking about it, though don't misunderstand, I do not think about suicide. I just think about death in general, what happens after, how it affects the peoples lives in which you were once apart of. How people prevent it and how they ask for it, how they fear it and how some people expect it.
I miss having the people in my life that I am certain that they care about me & I miss knowing that no matter what situations I get myself in that they will not judge me and they selflessly love me for who I am. On days like these, in my moments of desperation, I need to know that they're still here.
My gosh, my gosh, my gosh. MY GOSH.
I wish I wasn't so out of it lately and I wish I didn't feel like I was some how losing the people around me. I need to get my own life, I need to see what's out there for me. I need to embrace LIFE again. I want to dance in the snow and in the sun, I want someone to dance with me. I want someone to want to dance with me.