Maybe it was all a dream
January 1, 2017
I guess maybe we will just never get along. I am who I am and if I can't be accepted as is then there's no point in me killing myself, trying so hard to be someone that I simply can't be. I'm a magnicifent person, but I am not perfect and I don't need a man who can't handle me when I'm not up to par with his standards. A real man takes a woman for every she is, the good, the bad, the difficult, the easy. You don't get to pick and choose when you want to be involved with someone. You don't get to say today, since you are being difficult, I will ignore you and not deal with you. I don't deserve that SHIT. That's what it is, is a bunch of fucking shit. I think I've been patient enough and I think I've blamed myself enough.
The reality is I can't be who he wants me to be, so I can't keep running myself into a wall trying to make the pieces fit. You either accept and work with what you have or you can just walk away then. I deserve a fucking MAN, a man who doesn't run away from everything like a little pussy. A fucking pussy who can't get his life together or get any aspect of himself organized. He's shit, he's fucking shit and I can't believe I ever thought he was perfect. I have guys dying to go out with me and here I am just giving someone one too many chances.
to be continued....
January 5, 2017
I want to get along with him, I just want him to love me the way that I am. I wish he would just accept me even when I'm on my period. I wish he wouldn't take things so personally, I wish he would just realize that it isn't who I really am and he doesn't need to be phased by it. If he just realized I was hormonal and just calmed down and wouldn't allow his feelings to be hurt. I guess that's easier said than done, but I feel like I would do that for someone if I loved them enough and wanted to make it work. I don't know, I guess it's easier when youre in your own shoes rather than the other person's. I can understand and see where he is coming from, I can understand how frustrating that must be. I tried to express myself, but I guess I still didn't do it the way he wanted me to. Thats the thing, I guess I don't fully know how to yet. He says he doesn't think he wants to do this anymore and I have to accept that. He sent me an email today with health tips and an article about coping with the loss of a pet since I lost Dexter on New Years.
I feel like life is a little weird and just very uncertain right now and it has been for the past year and 4 months. It's been a whirlwind of uncertainty and my clarity has been clouded. I first tried forcing things and tried really hard to make something work, but then a year later I think I finally let go and said well, it is what it is. I started doing that later this year, I think once Matt decided to move out. I kind of put my hands up and said, well, I can't force anything now. However, I still find myself unsure and not fully capable of letting go. You'd think by now, almost 3 years later, I'd be up and running again. Fully functional at normal capacity and clear on my direction and decision in regards to this relationship. However, I am still unsure of what direction to take, I'm literally at a stand still, I'm on auto pilot. I don't know where I'm going but I'm just drifting through the wind trying to find my way back home, my way back to happiness. But as I've been reading, happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey. I'm trying to enjoy and make the best of things, but I have to be honest, I've allowed myself to sit in this funk without getting back up.
"Simple kind of life" is on right now, how ironic.
I guess maybe we will just never get along. I am who I am and if I can't be accepted as is then there's no point in me killing myself, trying so hard to be someone that I simply can't be. I'm a magnicifent person, but I am not perfect and I don't need a man who can't handle me when I'm not up to par with his standards. A real man takes a woman for every she is, the good, the bad, the difficult, the easy. You don't get to pick and choose when you want to be involved with someone. You don't get to say today, since you are being difficult, I will ignore you and not deal with you. I don't deserve that SHIT. That's what it is, is a bunch of fucking shit. I think I've been patient enough and I think I've blamed myself enough.
The reality is I can't be who he wants me to be, so I can't keep running myself into a wall trying to make the pieces fit. You either accept and work with what you have or you can just walk away then. I deserve a fucking MAN, a man who doesn't run away from everything like a little pussy. A fucking pussy who can't get his life together or get any aspect of himself organized. He's shit, he's fucking shit and I can't believe I ever thought he was perfect. I have guys dying to go out with me and here I am just giving someone one too many chances.
to be continued....
January 5, 2017
I want to get along with him, I just want him to love me the way that I am. I wish he would just accept me even when I'm on my period. I wish he wouldn't take things so personally, I wish he would just realize that it isn't who I really am and he doesn't need to be phased by it. If he just realized I was hormonal and just calmed down and wouldn't allow his feelings to be hurt. I guess that's easier said than done, but I feel like I would do that for someone if I loved them enough and wanted to make it work. I don't know, I guess it's easier when youre in your own shoes rather than the other person's. I can understand and see where he is coming from, I can understand how frustrating that must be. I tried to express myself, but I guess I still didn't do it the way he wanted me to. Thats the thing, I guess I don't fully know how to yet. He says he doesn't think he wants to do this anymore and I have to accept that. He sent me an email today with health tips and an article about coping with the loss of a pet since I lost Dexter on New Years.
I feel like life is a little weird and just very uncertain right now and it has been for the past year and 4 months. It's been a whirlwind of uncertainty and my clarity has been clouded. I first tried forcing things and tried really hard to make something work, but then a year later I think I finally let go and said well, it is what it is. I started doing that later this year, I think once Matt decided to move out. I kind of put my hands up and said, well, I can't force anything now. However, I still find myself unsure and not fully capable of letting go. You'd think by now, almost 3 years later, I'd be up and running again. Fully functional at normal capacity and clear on my direction and decision in regards to this relationship. However, I am still unsure of what direction to take, I'm literally at a stand still, I'm on auto pilot. I don't know where I'm going but I'm just drifting through the wind trying to find my way back home, my way back to happiness. But as I've been reading, happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey. I'm trying to enjoy and make the best of things, but I have to be honest, I've allowed myself to sit in this funk without getting back up.
"Simple kind of life" is on right now, how ironic.