Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I used to think Mom's biscuits were special, because she said she put a secret ingredient in them. Years later I asked her what the secret ingredient was, and she said it was "love." Right then I felt like the biggest sucker in the world.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!
My friend Don is such a loser. But ifhe were here right now, he'd say I was the loser. No, Don, you're the loser. But if he were here, he'd say I was the loser. No way, Don, you're the loser.
There used to be this bully who would demand my lunch money every day. Since I was smaller, I would give it to him. But then I decided to fight back. I started taking karate lessons. But then the karate lesson guy said I had to start paying him five dollars a lesson. So I just went back to paying the bully. Before I paid the him, though, I would go into my karate stance, because that's all I learned befored I got kicked out.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I though, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Aunt Lucy always used to win first prize at the coutny fair for her apple pie. It wasn't a real county fair - that's just what they called it at the mental home where she lived. And it wasn't a real apple pie either. Usually it was a ball of dough with tongue depressors and pieces of gum sticking out of it. Still, she won.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody asks, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you get a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get if off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her.
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!
My friend Don is such a loser. But ifhe were here right now, he'd say I was the loser. No, Don, you're the loser. But if he were here, he'd say I was the loser. No way, Don, you're the loser.
There used to be this bully who would demand my lunch money every day. Since I was smaller, I would give it to him. But then I decided to fight back. I started taking karate lessons. But then the karate lesson guy said I had to start paying him five dollars a lesson. So I just went back to paying the bully. Before I paid the him, though, I would go into my karate stance, because that's all I learned befored I got kicked out.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I though, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Aunt Lucy always used to win first prize at the coutny fair for her apple pie. It wasn't a real county fair - that's just what they called it at the mental home where she lived. And it wasn't a real apple pie either. Usually it was a ball of dough with tongue depressors and pieces of gum sticking out of it. Still, she won.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody asks, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you get a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get if off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her.
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."