(no subject)
What is it about this year and the grieving issues for me? They are worse than last year. I had a mini-breakdown in church last night. During rehearsal, I was up there singing with the group, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord..." and I just started crying. Something about the music moved me, and it was a beautiful feeling, but it also made me very sad. We stopped rehearsing, and I couldn't stop crying. I felt super fragile, and all of a sudden I found myself thinking of Jason and Dad, and then it hit me. Next week will mark the anniversaries of both of their deaths. I don't remember being so cognizant of this last year. Perhaps last year I had other life issues to contend with that made me less aware (Erik made me feel numb or angry, never sad or reflective). This year I feel it more than I ever did before. Maybe it's the stress of my 60 hour work weeks. Maybe the school year coming to an end is making me a little crazy (because I really can't wait for it, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much, because then it will feel too far away still).
I decided not to sing with the group last night. I didn't want to have an emotional moment while performing in front of the congregation, so I figured it would be more comfortable for me to sit it out. I'm glad I did. I just wasn't in the frame of mind to be up there.
Pastor Steve came over to me after the service to ask if everything was ok. I started crying and spilling everything out to him as soon as he sat beside me. I didn't know how to explain it, but I told him during that last song I started crying again because I felt so good, because I felt connected to God, and because I felt my father, and I felt him smiling, and I heard him saying how proud of us he is. And I felt so happy, but I wished so desperately that he could have been sharing that moment with me, too. I suppose, in some way, he was.
Pastor Steve asked if he could say a prayer with me. I closed my eyes, and he put his hand on my shoulder while he spoke eloquent, peaceful words. I felt the tears hit my lap, but in a moment I wasn't sad anymore.
I've been emotional for a couple weeks now, and I'm hoping I have the strength to pull out of it soon. I'm sure once this school year ends I will have more peace of mind.
My students have really been wearing on my patience. I have this gang-affiliated kid in one of my night school classes. He just recently came back from a detention center, and he is one drug test away from going back again (he failed the first test while on probation). He was locked away for nearly killing some guy...sliced him from the shoulder across his chest. I admit his presence in my class freaks me out a bit. And he challenged me the other day. Out right questioned my intelligence and work ethic. "This is what you're gonna have us do? Wow...they pay you a whole lot for nothing..." I'm not sure why he decided to lash out at me that day. I'm sure the failures on his progress report were enough to get him going, but I didn't think I had done anything outright offensive to him. But then, it doesn't take much of anything for these kids sometimes. They look into everything and sometimes already have it set in their minds that we are out to get them. He told me repeatedly that I don't know what I'm talking about, and I'm not making any sense, because I just can't seem to explain myself or my actions in a way that makes sense to him. He was confused about the "inconsistent work habits" comment I made on his progress report. I explained as clearly as I could..."some days you do very well...yesterday you were the only one to read aloud, and that was excellent...but just the other day, I saw you cheating on your quiz...that's not so great, is it?...you aren't the same from day to day...therefore you are inconsistent." He said I must have no idea what inconsistent means. I had already had a shitty day, so hearing this shit from him was certainly not what I was hoping for. I broke down after that class left, since I had a free period. And for the first time ever I questioned whether or not I should be a teacher. Then I realized I couldn't let this one kid get to me, because that was what he was after. It's just really hard sometimes.
Come on, summer!!!
I decided not to sing with the group last night. I didn't want to have an emotional moment while performing in front of the congregation, so I figured it would be more comfortable for me to sit it out. I'm glad I did. I just wasn't in the frame of mind to be up there.
Pastor Steve came over to me after the service to ask if everything was ok. I started crying and spilling everything out to him as soon as he sat beside me. I didn't know how to explain it, but I told him during that last song I started crying again because I felt so good, because I felt connected to God, and because I felt my father, and I felt him smiling, and I heard him saying how proud of us he is. And I felt so happy, but I wished so desperately that he could have been sharing that moment with me, too. I suppose, in some way, he was.
Pastor Steve asked if he could say a prayer with me. I closed my eyes, and he put his hand on my shoulder while he spoke eloquent, peaceful words. I felt the tears hit my lap, but in a moment I wasn't sad anymore.
I've been emotional for a couple weeks now, and I'm hoping I have the strength to pull out of it soon. I'm sure once this school year ends I will have more peace of mind.
My students have really been wearing on my patience. I have this gang-affiliated kid in one of my night school classes. He just recently came back from a detention center, and he is one drug test away from going back again (he failed the first test while on probation). He was locked away for nearly killing some guy...sliced him from the shoulder across his chest. I admit his presence in my class freaks me out a bit. And he challenged me the other day. Out right questioned my intelligence and work ethic. "This is what you're gonna have us do? Wow...they pay you a whole lot for nothing..." I'm not sure why he decided to lash out at me that day. I'm sure the failures on his progress report were enough to get him going, but I didn't think I had done anything outright offensive to him. But then, it doesn't take much of anything for these kids sometimes. They look into everything and sometimes already have it set in their minds that we are out to get them. He told me repeatedly that I don't know what I'm talking about, and I'm not making any sense, because I just can't seem to explain myself or my actions in a way that makes sense to him. He was confused about the "inconsistent work habits" comment I made on his progress report. I explained as clearly as I could..."some days you do very well...yesterday you were the only one to read aloud, and that was excellent...but just the other day, I saw you cheating on your quiz...that's not so great, is it?...you aren't the same from day to day...therefore you are inconsistent." He said I must have no idea what inconsistent means. I had already had a shitty day, so hearing this shit from him was certainly not what I was hoping for. I broke down after that class left, since I had a free period. And for the first time ever I questioned whether or not I should be a teacher. Then I realized I couldn't let this one kid get to me, because that was what he was after. It's just really hard sometimes.
Come on, summer!!!