Disney finally learns how to use product placement in a cartoon....
So, out of school and deciding not to volunteer at work after I went to my dr's appointment today, I went go to see "Enchanted".
Alone.
Enchanted starts out with a surprisingly less-busty Disney heroine alone (!!) in a cottage with weird things growing in her hair. Seriously, there's something like...flower petals... tree leaves... dead moths... who the fuck knows? and at one point while singing about giving her wet-dream-based life-size sex toy the perfect lips (which apparently turn out to be a rather pissed off caterpillar) she brushes her hair... and nothing comes out.
It makes you wonder what's going to happen when she hits the real world. Thinking dead moths in inappropriate places... ew!
Don't worry, though. In her real-life body there are no leaves or whatnot, and her breasts are depressingly small. Still, she takes the ballooning of her ass and waistline and shrinking of her head in princessly-appropriate reactions by ignoring them completely. And then proceedes to make a flouncy pretty dress from the curtains of her newfound-bestest-friend's apartment, leading us to wonder: If the divorce lawyer without a maid hasn't been laid in godknowswhen, why does he have such pretty curtains? And why is he so angry when she tears them up? Seriously.
Meanwhile, Prince Stupid is wandering around New York, exhibiting every reason not to date a guy with sleeves bigger than his head, and completely fails at finding the millions of porn channels on his crappy-ass hotel tv.
Speaking of... Princess Squeaky Voice is so immature (re: fairy tale) that we HAVE to suppose that there aren't any squishy bits (or using of them) in Fairy Tale Land. Which means that she's basically a child. And that her and True Love Lawyer's kid are going to hit puberty at about the same time. Uh-oh!
Of course, if there ISN'T any squishy bits in Fairy Tale Land, Female Baxter Lead is going to be pretty damn disappointed.
Good things:
~Evil Queen, while a bit of a one-trick pony with the poison apples and Ol'Lady Disguise (seriously bitch, when you can electrocute people, what's with the poison apples?), turns out that she makes a decent-looking dragon. Also, have found the cure for Saggy Susan Sarandon Boobs by wearing Xena Boobplate. Yay!
~Opening/closing scenes narrated by Julie Andrews. Thank you, Julie for being the female version of Christopher Walken. At least in voice-overs.
Bad things:
~Apparently, the way to catch a man is by having no upper-body strength and falling off stuff. Huh. Who knew?
~While True Love Lawyer starts off weirded out by the Singing in the Park scene, he eventually gives in and is shuffling Princess Squeaky Voice around in a rowboat. WTF, man? Where is our anti-Public Singing support?
Weird things:
~Ok, so why give Backup Chipmunk a New York accent for the cartoon half (where everyone else is Basic American or English) and then completely refuse to let him talk in actual New York? WTF? I like to think that someone saw the first half and said, "wait wait wait. The chipmunk's annoying!! Let's not let him talk anymore, kay?" Of course, he's not LESS annoying in his non-talking segment.
~And Snidely McFatass, back up to the Evil Queen, has a rather mysterious ability to not only (seamlessly) blend in with the locals, but also assume positions as chef, park snack guy, pizzaria waiter, and taxi driver. Taxi Driver? Complete with turban and cell phone? He's from a land with no cars, not to mention no racial variation past shades of white (and yellow, for trolls). Looks to me like SOMEONE moonlights in the Real World when he's not Bending Over for Royalty.
Results: probably more weird than decent, but something about the animated--not animated--animated bits kinda made me squirmy inside. Like when you lose a tooth. You know everything's a-ok and all right, but there's still this weird-ass hole that you gotta keep poking.
Alone.
Enchanted starts out with a surprisingly less-busty Disney heroine alone (!!) in a cottage with weird things growing in her hair. Seriously, there's something like...flower petals... tree leaves... dead moths... who the fuck knows? and at one point while singing about giving her wet-dream-based life-size sex toy the perfect lips (which apparently turn out to be a rather pissed off caterpillar) she brushes her hair... and nothing comes out.
It makes you wonder what's going to happen when she hits the real world. Thinking dead moths in inappropriate places... ew!
Don't worry, though. In her real-life body there are no leaves or whatnot, and her breasts are depressingly small. Still, she takes the ballooning of her ass and waistline and shrinking of her head in princessly-appropriate reactions by ignoring them completely. And then proceedes to make a flouncy pretty dress from the curtains of her newfound-bestest-friend's apartment, leading us to wonder: If the divorce lawyer without a maid hasn't been laid in godknowswhen, why does he have such pretty curtains? And why is he so angry when she tears them up? Seriously.
Meanwhile, Prince Stupid is wandering around New York, exhibiting every reason not to date a guy with sleeves bigger than his head, and completely fails at finding the millions of porn channels on his crappy-ass hotel tv.
Speaking of... Princess Squeaky Voice is so immature (re: fairy tale) that we HAVE to suppose that there aren't any squishy bits (or using of them) in Fairy Tale Land. Which means that she's basically a child. And that her and True Love Lawyer's kid are going to hit puberty at about the same time. Uh-oh!
Of course, if there ISN'T any squishy bits in Fairy Tale Land, Female Baxter Lead is going to be pretty damn disappointed.
Good things:
~Evil Queen, while a bit of a one-trick pony with the poison apples and Ol'Lady Disguise (seriously bitch, when you can electrocute people, what's with the poison apples?), turns out that she makes a decent-looking dragon. Also, have found the cure for Saggy Susan Sarandon Boobs by wearing Xena Boobplate. Yay!
~Opening/closing scenes narrated by Julie Andrews. Thank you, Julie for being the female version of Christopher Walken. At least in voice-overs.
Bad things:
~Apparently, the way to catch a man is by having no upper-body strength and falling off stuff. Huh. Who knew?
~While True Love Lawyer starts off weirded out by the Singing in the Park scene, he eventually gives in and is shuffling Princess Squeaky Voice around in a rowboat. WTF, man? Where is our anti-Public Singing support?
Weird things:
~Ok, so why give Backup Chipmunk a New York accent for the cartoon half (where everyone else is Basic American or English) and then completely refuse to let him talk in actual New York? WTF? I like to think that someone saw the first half and said, "wait wait wait. The chipmunk's annoying!! Let's not let him talk anymore, kay?" Of course, he's not LESS annoying in his non-talking segment.
~And Snidely McFatass, back up to the Evil Queen, has a rather mysterious ability to not only (seamlessly) blend in with the locals, but also assume positions as chef, park snack guy, pizzaria waiter, and taxi driver. Taxi Driver? Complete with turban and cell phone? He's from a land with no cars, not to mention no racial variation past shades of white (and yellow, for trolls). Looks to me like SOMEONE moonlights in the Real World when he's not Bending Over for Royalty.
Results: probably more weird than decent, but something about the animated--not animated--animated bits kinda made me squirmy inside. Like when you lose a tooth. You know everything's a-ok and all right, but there's still this weird-ass hole that you gotta keep poking.