(no subject)
I've been off my medications for about 5 days now and I feel terrible. Going through bouts of crying and sobbing and just wishing to die. Now I'm not even putting Bob or the cats into my thinking. I just want out. I'm a fucking waste of space and should make room for those who count. Such is life right? We had a nice week in Laughlin, but I'm glad to be home for my kittens. I got a lot of sun, which did me really good mentally, but seeing all those young girls in bikini's put me into a real low mood. I saw my favorite dealer stephen, and I certainly gave him an earful abuot how rude it was of him to NOT look me up like I asked. He said he just couldn't figure out how to do it. I told him that if I don't hear from him, I'm never coming over to see him again! Yeah right. Well, I don't know why, but every time I leave there, I just can't stop thinking about him. He's funny and I like that. There were no feelings of "crush" like I had before, so that felt better. Bob and I are going back in a few weeks, so hopefully he'll write me or I'll feel very rejected.
I've been doing so much thinking about what a fucking freak I am. I obsess and semi-stalk people that I should turn myself in. I have a new crush and looked him and his wife up. I wanted to send her a letter saying I had a crush on her hubs, but that is just so fucked up. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep forming these unnatural attachements with unavailable men? I mean, it's always one sided and I'm married for fucks sake. Why do I even speak to the opposite sex? I guess i need that validation from a man that isn't my husband. I'm just a fucking sorry sad disgusting person. This is why I never wanted to get married. I don't trust myself around men. I just know that I'm a bad person and in the state of mind that I'm in right now, I don't know what I would do.
I miss Terza and wish I could afford to go back to her. Sure, I lied to my own therapist to make her feel like she was doing a great job of "curing" me, but I know her, and she know's my story. Would I tell her that I lied to her? Not sure, but I don't want to start all over again. I suppose I shouldn't even want therpay, especially if all I do is think about death. Maybe there is hope for me? Yes? Maybe somewhere deep down I want to live, I want that normal happy life? But do I really? Maybe I love this attention and feeling of death? Maybe it's the only thing that makes me semi-special? I'm just tired of being me because I don't even know who I really am. Keith said something really interesting to me, he said that he loves me, I'm not fat, but I do go overboard on the personality. I was like WTF? I go overboard because I know how much he hates fat people. I feel bad because he can't be honest because of me. He has to pretend that he doesn't think I'm fat, when I know he thinks I am. I'm just getting in everyone's way and I'm not sure how to fix it. I keep thinking about what a fraud I am and how many people I've fooled along the way. What a sad thing to do. Fool people into thinking I'm fun, happy & caring. Anyone that was caring, would love life enough to want to live.
My body is aching from the lack of medication in my body. My hands look and feel like they've swollen double in size. Maybe that medication really was helping me. My back is on fire and even the damn pain meds aren't working. Yes, I'm a drug addict, a prescription drug addict. Funny how I judged others before. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
I'm hoping to feel up to going to the depression group tomorrow. Today I felt so bad that I cancelled my intake for the other program. I want to go because it's a nice small group, but I feel that David is distracting me. I have this stupid crush on him, but I know it's because he is pretending to care for me. Of course he is, that is what he gets paid to do. I could try Mya I suppose, since she seems sincere, but again, she is getting paid to pretend. Nobody really wants me fixed. I'm the perfect fuck up and would be perfect for an experiment. How long would it take ann to go over the edge? How long I wonder? I'm locked in my own stupid hell, so why share with anyone else. So they can pretend to be interested and pretend to want me to be better? They don't know me and what a fucking bitch I am. I suppose this is my karma and what I have coming to me. I've done so many bad things, cheated, lied, stolen, you name it, i've done it. This is my living hell and I want it over, but I never thought about what is beyond the afterlife doors. If this is what I think hell is about, maybe my afterlife would be ten times worse. Jesus God, someone help me. I can't rely on anyone because of my fucked up nature.
What do I want? I want to be with my mom and dad and start over. I want to be loved and to see if that would have made a huge difference in my life. I know this is what I want, because I can't stop dreaming about them. I always begged to be loved & believed, but it never happens. Joe and Liza are the loved ones and I'm just a trouble maker. God, will these dreams always plague me? When I'm awake I feel frightened, and now when I sleep I have nightmares of never being loved. This really is a fucked up life. Maybe I should suggest being institutionalized? I don't want that rep, but maybe it will free my friends and family of me. If I could just take that pill that would turn everything off, I would.
death... yes or no?
I've been doing so much thinking about what a fucking freak I am. I obsess and semi-stalk people that I should turn myself in. I have a new crush and looked him and his wife up. I wanted to send her a letter saying I had a crush on her hubs, but that is just so fucked up. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep forming these unnatural attachements with unavailable men? I mean, it's always one sided and I'm married for fucks sake. Why do I even speak to the opposite sex? I guess i need that validation from a man that isn't my husband. I'm just a fucking sorry sad disgusting person. This is why I never wanted to get married. I don't trust myself around men. I just know that I'm a bad person and in the state of mind that I'm in right now, I don't know what I would do.
I miss Terza and wish I could afford to go back to her. Sure, I lied to my own therapist to make her feel like she was doing a great job of "curing" me, but I know her, and she know's my story. Would I tell her that I lied to her? Not sure, but I don't want to start all over again. I suppose I shouldn't even want therpay, especially if all I do is think about death. Maybe there is hope for me? Yes? Maybe somewhere deep down I want to live, I want that normal happy life? But do I really? Maybe I love this attention and feeling of death? Maybe it's the only thing that makes me semi-special? I'm just tired of being me because I don't even know who I really am. Keith said something really interesting to me, he said that he loves me, I'm not fat, but I do go overboard on the personality. I was like WTF? I go overboard because I know how much he hates fat people. I feel bad because he can't be honest because of me. He has to pretend that he doesn't think I'm fat, when I know he thinks I am. I'm just getting in everyone's way and I'm not sure how to fix it. I keep thinking about what a fraud I am and how many people I've fooled along the way. What a sad thing to do. Fool people into thinking I'm fun, happy & caring. Anyone that was caring, would love life enough to want to live.
My body is aching from the lack of medication in my body. My hands look and feel like they've swollen double in size. Maybe that medication really was helping me. My back is on fire and even the damn pain meds aren't working. Yes, I'm a drug addict, a prescription drug addict. Funny how I judged others before. What a fucking hypocrite I am.
I'm hoping to feel up to going to the depression group tomorrow. Today I felt so bad that I cancelled my intake for the other program. I want to go because it's a nice small group, but I feel that David is distracting me. I have this stupid crush on him, but I know it's because he is pretending to care for me. Of course he is, that is what he gets paid to do. I could try Mya I suppose, since she seems sincere, but again, she is getting paid to pretend. Nobody really wants me fixed. I'm the perfect fuck up and would be perfect for an experiment. How long would it take ann to go over the edge? How long I wonder? I'm locked in my own stupid hell, so why share with anyone else. So they can pretend to be interested and pretend to want me to be better? They don't know me and what a fucking bitch I am. I suppose this is my karma and what I have coming to me. I've done so many bad things, cheated, lied, stolen, you name it, i've done it. This is my living hell and I want it over, but I never thought about what is beyond the afterlife doors. If this is what I think hell is about, maybe my afterlife would be ten times worse. Jesus God, someone help me. I can't rely on anyone because of my fucked up nature.
What do I want? I want to be with my mom and dad and start over. I want to be loved and to see if that would have made a huge difference in my life. I know this is what I want, because I can't stop dreaming about them. I always begged to be loved & believed, but it never happens. Joe and Liza are the loved ones and I'm just a trouble maker. God, will these dreams always plague me? When I'm awake I feel frightened, and now when I sleep I have nightmares of never being loved. This really is a fucked up life. Maybe I should suggest being institutionalized? I don't want that rep, but maybe it will free my friends and family of me. If I could just take that pill that would turn everything off, I would.
death... yes or no?