Collide: Chapter 5, part six
Title: Collide
Pairing: Remus/Sirius of Harry Potter fandom
Rating: NC-17 overall; this part is PG
Summary (for all parts): AU (Remus never went to Hogwarts). Everytime Remus gets close to someone, they start to uncover the truth about his strange disappearances and injuries. He can't stand the look on their face when he tells them the truth so instead he erases any trace of their relationship from their mind with a simple obliviate. Tired of getting intimate with someone only to become strangers again, Remus resolves never to get involved with anyone ever again. Of course, resolutions are made to be broken.
In this part: cats are petted, bones are shifted and reformed, and plants are given (and accepted)
Thanks for sticking around. The last part is linked if you need to re-read it (and honestly, given how long it's been I wouldn't blame you at all!)
Previous parts: Chapter 1: part one | two | three
Chapter 2: part one | two
Chapter 3: part one | two | three | four
Chapter 4: part one | two | three | four
Chapter 5: part one | two | three | four | five
Monday afternoon found Remus lying on the couch and thinking of Sirius. In truth most of Sunday night and Monday morning found Remus thinking of Sirius but at this moment in particular, Remus was wondering how Sirius' meeting at the Ministry was going. Four o'clock, Lily had told him at the wedding. He half-considered accidentally-on-purpose running into Sirius in the Ministry corridors before deciding against it. What would he say? What would Sirius say? Would he apologize or even acknowledge Remus after the scene he had made in the restaurant?
What Remus really wanted was the Sirius of before. He longed to feel those hands upon him giving him pleasure and taking away his pain. He would give anything to eat breakfast again at Sirius' kitchen counter or to wake up to Sirius' lips upon the back of his neck.
He sighed and stroked Ella's fur absently. He wanted to see Sirius but he wouldn't. He would wait for an apology, if it ever came. If not, well… Remus barely thought he deserved one after what he had done to Sirius' memory. These things had a way of coming full-circle, Remus found.
Nearly two weeks passed and still nothing. No money came out of his Gringotts' account but Remus wasn't surprised. Sirius was too proud to let his date pay for his own dinner. Remus went to his monthly check-ups at the Ministry as usual on the last Friday of the month. As he walked through the corridors he both anticipated and dreaded running into Sirius. When he didn't see Sirius, he felt both disappointment and relief.
That was that, then. He couldn't help but feel bitterness towards both Sirius and himself. He had to admit that he had expected more from Sirius and he hated that he had expected anything at all. He should have known. What the hell was he doing expecting to be treated like a normal man? He had learned early on that he wasn't normal and that he shouldn't expect people who knew about his condition to treat him as such. Sure there were a few who were exceptions - Lily, for one - but the vast majority of the time his lowered expectations had served him well.
A combination of self-loathing and anxiety over the full moon the next evening kept Remus up most of the night. He watched the shadows dance across his ceiling as cars went by on the pavement below and wondered if Sirius was thinking of him before falling into a fitful sleep.
***
"Wolfsbane," Philip said it was called.
"And this is a…"
"Potion," the researcher finished. "Very new. Very promising. It should allow you to keep your mind while your body transforms."
Remus cringed at his use of the word "should" but said nothing.
"It doesn't taste great," Philip continued, before turning towards a steaming cauldron, "but it shows promising results."
Second use of the word promising which usually meant there are still major kinks to work out only they're not entirely sure what they are. Great, thought Remus.
"Here," Philip said as he handed him a mug of steaming potion. Remus sniffed it experimentally - no smell - before downing it in one gulp. It tasted at once bitter and sour with tinges of something that tasted vaguely like alcohol. Remus grimaced and coughed before gratefully accepting the glass of water handed to him. The aftertaste remained even after gulping down all the water but Remus knew he soon wouldn't taste it. Soon he wouldn't feel anything.
He looked up at the sound of a lock.
"Precautions," the researcher said as he ushered Remus into the too-familiar cell.
"Right," Remus murmured. "No chains?"
"If you keep your mind you shouldn't need them."
And if I don't? Remus thought but didn't say anything. These people knew what they were doing. He had to believe they knew what they were doing.
The few moments leading up to the full moon were slow and anxiety-filled like always. Remus paced his cell, before sitting down and waiting. Finally - and it was a strange sense of relief and dread - he felt his skin itch and his bones start shifting. He always blacked out before he felt too much pain - the mind of the wolf took over very quickly - but not tonight. Tonight he was conscious through every single shift of bones, every extra hair growing out of his body, his nails elongating and his face shifting. He howled out in pain, unable to help the noise that escaped. It was a strange mix of human and wolf before his throat elongated and then it was all haunting wolfish howl before subsiding into a whimper. One moment everything was shifting and then suddenly everything stopped and he stood on all fours, panting. He was aware of the parts of his body he didn't have before - a tail, for one - and aware of senses in a way he never had been when human. He smelled the sweat and fear of the human researchers and the other werewolves in the cages near his. He heard the scratching of the researcher's quills on the parchment and every deep breath they took. Instinctively he closed his eyes against the onslaught of sensations and rested his head on his paws.
Slowly he was able to sort through it, concentrate on some things and not others. He was acutely aware of the pavement under his paws - felt strange thinking that; he had paws - and of the clicking of the other werewolves' claws on the pavement. If he sniffed the air he could smell the different scents of the other werewolves, and sort them so they belonged to individuals. The humans were harder to sort - they all had a sort of humanness about them that the wolf identified. And yes, the wolf was still there. He was lurking - Remus could somehow feel him in the back his head, angered and close to raging.
The wolf was drawing closer to his consciousness, though. Remus' ears flattened against his head as he became angry, snarling at the bars that held him in. No, no, he thought. This is what has to happen. This is the only way. Still, this irrational rage bubbled inside him, angering him from the tips of his ears down his very large clawed paws. He fought with the wolf inside his head, tried to hang on to logic and rational thought, tried not to let the rage consume him but before long he knew he was losing. No, no, no, he thought over again, helpless inside his own mind, before everything faded to black.
***
When Remus awoke, he squinted into the light and looked over to his right, expecting to see a familiar head of red hair. When instead he saw dark hair, he blinked. Twice.
"You're awake," Sirius said softly.
"What are you doing here?" Remus asked, harsher than he had intended. Panic seized his chest as he thought what he might look like to Sirius now. No one had seen him like this except the healers. He pulled the white hospital sheets up further past his waist, covering his pale chest.
"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked, ignoring Remus' outburst. Remus watched while he fumbled on the small table next to Remus' bed for a familiar vial of clear liquid. "The healer said to give this to you when you woke," he said and handed it to Remus.
Remus uncorked it and downed it in one go. "For the pain," he said in response to the unasked question. The pain was blooming all down his left shoulder - the wolf probably threw itself against the bars trying to escape. He set the vial back on the table and in doing so noticed a fern plant sitting there rather inconspicuously. He touched its leaves gingerly, noting a bandage on his arm as he did so.
"I brought you a plant," Sirius said, sounding almost sheepish, as though he too knew the gesture was small, useless, compared to the hell Remus had just been through.
"Thank you," Remus said sincerely and fought a smile. He wondered if Sirius would bring him a plant every full moon. A vision of dozens of plants invading his apartment came to him and he almost laughed. "You didn't have to," he said lamely.
"I know, but I feel bad about the other day. I didn't mean to…" He trailed off, as though he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to apologize for.
"It's fine," Remus half-lied.
"No, it's not," Sirius said easily with a half-shrug. "I was an insensitive berk. I just felt like, if I could focus on something that was such a small part of you, I wouldn't get so attached. I just… I know you don't want to get involved with anyone and I get that, I do, and I know you don't need someone interrogating you either. But the thing is, Remus -" He paused as if remembering notes that he had written down somewhere. "I like talking to you and it's weird but even though we barely even know each other, I feel like I want to know you, you know?"
Remus nodded, his head spinning partly due to the potion and partly due to Sirius' words. He wanted to be angry with Sirius after their last fight, he did, but he found himself unable to be after what Sirius had said. Sirius' detachment made more sense now. He was only trying to follow Remus' own words uttered on New Years Eve: I can't get involved with anyone.
"I would have come earlier or owled or something but I didn't really know what to say and now I'm rambling on like a prat because I'm fucking nervous -"
"Sirius," Remus stopped him. "I… I didn't want to get involved with anyone because I didn't want anyone to know about my… condition. I knew no one would want to date someone like me," he said with a wry smile.
"That's not true."
Remus glanced down at his bed sheets, his face flushing as he felt Sirius' gaze on him.
Sirius sighed softly before admitting, "I don't usually get involved either, you know."
Remus had to stop himself from replying that he knew. Instead he asked, "what's next?" And immediately wished he hadn't. Clearly Sirius had only come to the hospital because he felt guilty. Now that he apologized he was going to leave.
"When do they let you out of here?" Sirius asked and Remus looked up sharply. "I could take you home if you wanted. I've got the bike."
Despite the thought that riding on Sirius' motorbike with aching muscles wasn't going to be pleasant at all, Remus smiled. "Sure. I should be out shortly. The healers just have to take my final readings and give me some potions for the road, and I should be set."
"Okay," Sirius said before biting his lip as if trying not to smile.
They looked at each other for a moment before Sirius asked how his night had gone. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want," he added hastily.
Remus hesitated. He found it hard to put into words what had happened last night, honestly, but he was more willing to talk to Sirius about it now that he knew he wasn't being looked at as a lab subject.
"It was… strange," he said finally. At Sirius' look of confusion he continued. "They're developing this potion that should be able to help me keep my consciousness during the transformation only they haven't quite perfected it. You see, usually I just black out and don't remember anything but this time… I sort of knew what was going on. I could feel the wolf fighting me for control… he won, in the end." Remus glanced down at his bandaged arm that had most likely been in his mouth last night.
"But you had control for a bit," Sirius was quick to point out and Remus looked up to meet his eye.
"I did," Remus agreed and they shared a small, almost secretive smile between them. It was strange sharing these small triumphs and breakthroughs with someone, strange to have someone else on his side besides Lily. But contrary to what Remus had first thought, it wasn't a bad sort of strange. In fact, he reflected as he felt Sirius' hand against his own, it was a rather good sort of strange.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius of Harry Potter fandom
Rating: NC-17 overall; this part is PG
Summary (for all parts): AU (Remus never went to Hogwarts). Everytime Remus gets close to someone, they start to uncover the truth about his strange disappearances and injuries. He can't stand the look on their face when he tells them the truth so instead he erases any trace of their relationship from their mind with a simple obliviate. Tired of getting intimate with someone only to become strangers again, Remus resolves never to get involved with anyone ever again. Of course, resolutions are made to be broken.
In this part: cats are petted, bones are shifted and reformed, and plants are given (and accepted)
Thanks for sticking around. The last part is linked if you need to re-read it (and honestly, given how long it's been I wouldn't blame you at all!)
Previous parts: Chapter 1: part one | two | three
Chapter 2: part one | two
Chapter 3: part one | two | three | four
Chapter 4: part one | two | three | four
Chapter 5: part one | two | three | four | five
Monday afternoon found Remus lying on the couch and thinking of Sirius. In truth most of Sunday night and Monday morning found Remus thinking of Sirius but at this moment in particular, Remus was wondering how Sirius' meeting at the Ministry was going. Four o'clock, Lily had told him at the wedding. He half-considered accidentally-on-purpose running into Sirius in the Ministry corridors before deciding against it. What would he say? What would Sirius say? Would he apologize or even acknowledge Remus after the scene he had made in the restaurant?
What Remus really wanted was the Sirius of before. He longed to feel those hands upon him giving him pleasure and taking away his pain. He would give anything to eat breakfast again at Sirius' kitchen counter or to wake up to Sirius' lips upon the back of his neck.
He sighed and stroked Ella's fur absently. He wanted to see Sirius but he wouldn't. He would wait for an apology, if it ever came. If not, well… Remus barely thought he deserved one after what he had done to Sirius' memory. These things had a way of coming full-circle, Remus found.
Nearly two weeks passed and still nothing. No money came out of his Gringotts' account but Remus wasn't surprised. Sirius was too proud to let his date pay for his own dinner. Remus went to his monthly check-ups at the Ministry as usual on the last Friday of the month. As he walked through the corridors he both anticipated and dreaded running into Sirius. When he didn't see Sirius, he felt both disappointment and relief.
That was that, then. He couldn't help but feel bitterness towards both Sirius and himself. He had to admit that he had expected more from Sirius and he hated that he had expected anything at all. He should have known. What the hell was he doing expecting to be treated like a normal man? He had learned early on that he wasn't normal and that he shouldn't expect people who knew about his condition to treat him as such. Sure there were a few who were exceptions - Lily, for one - but the vast majority of the time his lowered expectations had served him well.
A combination of self-loathing and anxiety over the full moon the next evening kept Remus up most of the night. He watched the shadows dance across his ceiling as cars went by on the pavement below and wondered if Sirius was thinking of him before falling into a fitful sleep.
***
"Wolfsbane," Philip said it was called.
"And this is a…"
"Potion," the researcher finished. "Very new. Very promising. It should allow you to keep your mind while your body transforms."
Remus cringed at his use of the word "should" but said nothing.
"It doesn't taste great," Philip continued, before turning towards a steaming cauldron, "but it shows promising results."
Second use of the word promising which usually meant there are still major kinks to work out only they're not entirely sure what they are. Great, thought Remus.
"Here," Philip said as he handed him a mug of steaming potion. Remus sniffed it experimentally - no smell - before downing it in one gulp. It tasted at once bitter and sour with tinges of something that tasted vaguely like alcohol. Remus grimaced and coughed before gratefully accepting the glass of water handed to him. The aftertaste remained even after gulping down all the water but Remus knew he soon wouldn't taste it. Soon he wouldn't feel anything.
He looked up at the sound of a lock.
"Precautions," the researcher said as he ushered Remus into the too-familiar cell.
"Right," Remus murmured. "No chains?"
"If you keep your mind you shouldn't need them."
And if I don't? Remus thought but didn't say anything. These people knew what they were doing. He had to believe they knew what they were doing.
The few moments leading up to the full moon were slow and anxiety-filled like always. Remus paced his cell, before sitting down and waiting. Finally - and it was a strange sense of relief and dread - he felt his skin itch and his bones start shifting. He always blacked out before he felt too much pain - the mind of the wolf took over very quickly - but not tonight. Tonight he was conscious through every single shift of bones, every extra hair growing out of his body, his nails elongating and his face shifting. He howled out in pain, unable to help the noise that escaped. It was a strange mix of human and wolf before his throat elongated and then it was all haunting wolfish howl before subsiding into a whimper. One moment everything was shifting and then suddenly everything stopped and he stood on all fours, panting. He was aware of the parts of his body he didn't have before - a tail, for one - and aware of senses in a way he never had been when human. He smelled the sweat and fear of the human researchers and the other werewolves in the cages near his. He heard the scratching of the researcher's quills on the parchment and every deep breath they took. Instinctively he closed his eyes against the onslaught of sensations and rested his head on his paws.
Slowly he was able to sort through it, concentrate on some things and not others. He was acutely aware of the pavement under his paws - felt strange thinking that; he had paws - and of the clicking of the other werewolves' claws on the pavement. If he sniffed the air he could smell the different scents of the other werewolves, and sort them so they belonged to individuals. The humans were harder to sort - they all had a sort of humanness about them that the wolf identified. And yes, the wolf was still there. He was lurking - Remus could somehow feel him in the back his head, angered and close to raging.
The wolf was drawing closer to his consciousness, though. Remus' ears flattened against his head as he became angry, snarling at the bars that held him in. No, no, he thought. This is what has to happen. This is the only way. Still, this irrational rage bubbled inside him, angering him from the tips of his ears down his very large clawed paws. He fought with the wolf inside his head, tried to hang on to logic and rational thought, tried not to let the rage consume him but before long he knew he was losing. No, no, no, he thought over again, helpless inside his own mind, before everything faded to black.
***
When Remus awoke, he squinted into the light and looked over to his right, expecting to see a familiar head of red hair. When instead he saw dark hair, he blinked. Twice.
"You're awake," Sirius said softly.
"What are you doing here?" Remus asked, harsher than he had intended. Panic seized his chest as he thought what he might look like to Sirius now. No one had seen him like this except the healers. He pulled the white hospital sheets up further past his waist, covering his pale chest.
"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked, ignoring Remus' outburst. Remus watched while he fumbled on the small table next to Remus' bed for a familiar vial of clear liquid. "The healer said to give this to you when you woke," he said and handed it to Remus.
Remus uncorked it and downed it in one go. "For the pain," he said in response to the unasked question. The pain was blooming all down his left shoulder - the wolf probably threw itself against the bars trying to escape. He set the vial back on the table and in doing so noticed a fern plant sitting there rather inconspicuously. He touched its leaves gingerly, noting a bandage on his arm as he did so.
"I brought you a plant," Sirius said, sounding almost sheepish, as though he too knew the gesture was small, useless, compared to the hell Remus had just been through.
"Thank you," Remus said sincerely and fought a smile. He wondered if Sirius would bring him a plant every full moon. A vision of dozens of plants invading his apartment came to him and he almost laughed. "You didn't have to," he said lamely.
"I know, but I feel bad about the other day. I didn't mean to…" He trailed off, as though he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to apologize for.
"It's fine," Remus half-lied.
"No, it's not," Sirius said easily with a half-shrug. "I was an insensitive berk. I just felt like, if I could focus on something that was such a small part of you, I wouldn't get so attached. I just… I know you don't want to get involved with anyone and I get that, I do, and I know you don't need someone interrogating you either. But the thing is, Remus -" He paused as if remembering notes that he had written down somewhere. "I like talking to you and it's weird but even though we barely even know each other, I feel like I want to know you, you know?"
Remus nodded, his head spinning partly due to the potion and partly due to Sirius' words. He wanted to be angry with Sirius after their last fight, he did, but he found himself unable to be after what Sirius had said. Sirius' detachment made more sense now. He was only trying to follow Remus' own words uttered on New Years Eve: I can't get involved with anyone.
"I would have come earlier or owled or something but I didn't really know what to say and now I'm rambling on like a prat because I'm fucking nervous -"
"Sirius," Remus stopped him. "I… I didn't want to get involved with anyone because I didn't want anyone to know about my… condition. I knew no one would want to date someone like me," he said with a wry smile.
"That's not true."
Remus glanced down at his bed sheets, his face flushing as he felt Sirius' gaze on him.
Sirius sighed softly before admitting, "I don't usually get involved either, you know."
Remus had to stop himself from replying that he knew. Instead he asked, "what's next?" And immediately wished he hadn't. Clearly Sirius had only come to the hospital because he felt guilty. Now that he apologized he was going to leave.
"When do they let you out of here?" Sirius asked and Remus looked up sharply. "I could take you home if you wanted. I've got the bike."
Despite the thought that riding on Sirius' motorbike with aching muscles wasn't going to be pleasant at all, Remus smiled. "Sure. I should be out shortly. The healers just have to take my final readings and give me some potions for the road, and I should be set."
"Okay," Sirius said before biting his lip as if trying not to smile.
They looked at each other for a moment before Sirius asked how his night had gone. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want," he added hastily.
Remus hesitated. He found it hard to put into words what had happened last night, honestly, but he was more willing to talk to Sirius about it now that he knew he wasn't being looked at as a lab subject.
"It was… strange," he said finally. At Sirius' look of confusion he continued. "They're developing this potion that should be able to help me keep my consciousness during the transformation only they haven't quite perfected it. You see, usually I just black out and don't remember anything but this time… I sort of knew what was going on. I could feel the wolf fighting me for control… he won, in the end." Remus glanced down at his bandaged arm that had most likely been in his mouth last night.
"But you had control for a bit," Sirius was quick to point out and Remus looked up to meet his eye.
"I did," Remus agreed and they shared a small, almost secretive smile between them. It was strange sharing these small triumphs and breakthroughs with someone, strange to have someone else on his side besides Lily. But contrary to what Remus had first thought, it wasn't a bad sort of strange. In fact, he reflected as he felt Sirius' hand against his own, it was a rather good sort of strange.