It's long.. but ya'll read it.. and give me your opinion
I used to think that there is definitly only one person out there for all of us. I'd often tell my newly heartbroken friends to not be upset because right there...right now... there is someone out there for you at this very moment. Then take it to a twist and be like "I wonder what they are doing at this very moment" It would always cheer them up, and definitly take a lot of "dead" thinking time away from the previous heartbreak and focus on something a little more exciting.
As I get older, I am dealt my share of relationships... and though I do not have some gold star for the most relationships I have to say that I have had a wide variety of experience amongst the most significant 4 " serious " boyfriends. Out of the 4, I have to say that only one I really felt "love" towards. I guess there is a positive in all bad experiences because I have to say each boyfriend I have had... they all had been different, and in a way have enlightened me a "species or type" of man that is available out there. The first one, was definitly obsessive.... very obsessive. He cared about me, but didn't allow me to breathe. I blame him for the way I have acted eith the rest of my relationships following that because since he was the first serious boyfriend I had, he sort of set the standard in my mind of what I should expect from a relationship and obviously the standards were too high. The 2nd, too much of a party animal, newley released from his moms grasp now 400 miles away he was really immature, and did not know anything of a commitment. Third... I fell in love...he was mature...A REAL man. He however had some commitment problems himself, but lord was he good to me. He treated me well and lord knows I am thankful. Fourth, a real lazy ass. Total self centered and treated me like the ground he walked on. (and i dont mean that in a golden heavenly ground) he had this idea that we could "break up" be friends... but he could still get all the benefits (and you know what I mean by benefits) yet not have any obligation to me... he basically wanted the girlfriend, just not the commitment that comes with a girlfriend. He didnt want to take me out, call me, take good care of me, etc. . It was almost like a "hold until find better offer" sorta thing or a "take and dont give back."
Through these 4 experiences.. though I hate to admit to some, I felt some sort of "attraction but I dare not say love but you know what i mean.. that sorta feeling alright?" towards these men... I started to realize that maybe there isnt just one person out there for you. I mean yeah sure there are people out there for you.. but ONE? I mean for example... I could settle down and marry these guys.. chemistry is there right? I mean yeah you arn't totally happy but you can deal with it... I dunno I start to piece together that this is how most marriages work...why there is marital conflict and divorce. I mean sure there are people out there that have a 100% happy marriage.. true soul mates.. and thats great.. but its a slim percentage almost rare it seems. OR maybe there is ONE person out there for you but in the hussle of life today, we yearn to have a companion as soon as possible so that we settle down with the first person that gives us the time of day. We arn't patient enough to wait for the "right one" to come our way or are too lazy to search for it. Either scenario works... the lovers and dreamers hold onto the "there is only one person out there for you" but the realists perhaps the one that have their heart broken time and time again start to wonder if this is just a myth.. that sexual desire and opposite sex attraction is the reason we end up together. Who knows...
I guess I am really drawing this whole thing on the last guy I dated. He was a boyfriend figure... he did the things boyfriends are supposted to do but he was under achieving..,. in other words he didnt go over and beyond.. he didnt put forth any effort. I felt like I was being treated poorly... but then he'd step up and do something that made me feel special again and I'd dismiss it (only to be greeted by that same feeling again not too long after that) He is decent... but I can see if I married the guy that things would only be that... decent. But its possible right? Do any of you guys find yourself in a relationship because you just want that attention.. someone that makes you falsly feel good about yourself.. there may be no attraction what so ever... but you stick with them no matter how much you are miserable, how you feel like you are getting jipped, because you want to have someone. I know lots of girls (and guys) that do this... and I am even guilty of accusing people behind their backs of it... now I find myself preaching to the choir. I do the exact same thing. I have had people tell me "ya know katie it just seems like you have to have someone" and I dismniss it like no you're wrong but in actuality they are right. I dont feel ashamed about it, i mean it pisses me off hat I do it, but I dont feel embarassed because a lot of people do it.. its almost natural. But it sure does suck. I find that when I am single (nobody in my life nobody I still like or want to like or whatever) I am completly happy... I mean yeah everyone wants a boyfriend but it wasn't on the top of my list...I treated it like "if it comes it comes and when it does I'll cross that bridge when I get there"
I liked that katie... the katie that didnt care.. the katie that didnt have to worry about how someone feels about her. I think thats it... I get so worked up and worried about things being absolutly PERFECT its like I take it personally when something goes wrong ... I automatically assume that its me... I have this thing where I have to make sure everyone is happy... if someone is not happy I go into this funk where I break down and solely focus on doing everything possible to do whatever it is to make that person feel better. This is where I get into trouble... I fell into that "shit hole" last year because of it... I focus all my attention of pleasing everyone but myself... it really led to a nasty downfal and a huge reality check... and thugh I have learned majority of my lesson I stilll have this problem when it comes to relationships... I want to make sure the guy is happy that I loose sight of things and then when I feel that something is wrong (and it could be something that has nothing to do with me.. like he could be having a bad day) and I take it personally and assume its me... get all concerned about it and then it turns out it was nothing.. and I dunno it just tends to create so much drama within my mind and I dunno maybe this sounds like I am self conscience but I'd like to think that I am just a caring person... but who are we fooling right?
But anyways I am trailing off... my point being is there really someone out there for me? I mean yes there are.. but maybe there are several people out there for me... like no relationship is going to be perfect (though you could have a slim chance I guess) its just all about finding someone you have some sort of click with and then constantly working at the relationship until the day you part. I often wonder if its about finding someone period.. like do people just take the first person that gives them the time of day and run with it.. again that chance of it being a complete hit off being slim. I dont know... last week number 4 and I "broke up" my horoscope in the paper that day read "Remember that your heart belongs to someone true blue waiting patiently, even if to much chatter gets in the way of bliss" I immediatly cut it out, and put it on the front of my planner. Someone true blue... I thought I'd be funny and assume that means they are a die hard kentucky fan (because for those that arent at UK... we bleed blue lol) but regardless... I transformed back to my dreamer stage... left the reality thinking and thought "yeah there is someone out there waiting for me" Maybe these alterations to our thinking that come into action to help us cope. Or maybe to feed us unrealistic pacifiers to make us feel better about ourselves for the time being.
As I get older, I am dealt my share of relationships... and though I do not have some gold star for the most relationships I have to say that I have had a wide variety of experience amongst the most significant 4 " serious " boyfriends. Out of the 4, I have to say that only one I really felt "love" towards. I guess there is a positive in all bad experiences because I have to say each boyfriend I have had... they all had been different, and in a way have enlightened me a "species or type" of man that is available out there. The first one, was definitly obsessive.... very obsessive. He cared about me, but didn't allow me to breathe. I blame him for the way I have acted eith the rest of my relationships following that because since he was the first serious boyfriend I had, he sort of set the standard in my mind of what I should expect from a relationship and obviously the standards were too high. The 2nd, too much of a party animal, newley released from his moms grasp now 400 miles away he was really immature, and did not know anything of a commitment. Third... I fell in love...he was mature...A REAL man. He however had some commitment problems himself, but lord was he good to me. He treated me well and lord knows I am thankful. Fourth, a real lazy ass. Total self centered and treated me like the ground he walked on. (and i dont mean that in a golden heavenly ground) he had this idea that we could "break up" be friends... but he could still get all the benefits (and you know what I mean by benefits) yet not have any obligation to me... he basically wanted the girlfriend, just not the commitment that comes with a girlfriend. He didnt want to take me out, call me, take good care of me, etc. . It was almost like a "hold until find better offer" sorta thing or a "take and dont give back."
Through these 4 experiences.. though I hate to admit to some, I felt some sort of "attraction but I dare not say love but you know what i mean.. that sorta feeling alright?" towards these men... I started to realize that maybe there isnt just one person out there for you. I mean yeah sure there are people out there for you.. but ONE? I mean for example... I could settle down and marry these guys.. chemistry is there right? I mean yeah you arn't totally happy but you can deal with it... I dunno I start to piece together that this is how most marriages work...why there is marital conflict and divorce. I mean sure there are people out there that have a 100% happy marriage.. true soul mates.. and thats great.. but its a slim percentage almost rare it seems. OR maybe there is ONE person out there for you but in the hussle of life today, we yearn to have a companion as soon as possible so that we settle down with the first person that gives us the time of day. We arn't patient enough to wait for the "right one" to come our way or are too lazy to search for it. Either scenario works... the lovers and dreamers hold onto the "there is only one person out there for you" but the realists perhaps the one that have their heart broken time and time again start to wonder if this is just a myth.. that sexual desire and opposite sex attraction is the reason we end up together. Who knows...
I guess I am really drawing this whole thing on the last guy I dated. He was a boyfriend figure... he did the things boyfriends are supposted to do but he was under achieving..,. in other words he didnt go over and beyond.. he didnt put forth any effort. I felt like I was being treated poorly... but then he'd step up and do something that made me feel special again and I'd dismiss it (only to be greeted by that same feeling again not too long after that) He is decent... but I can see if I married the guy that things would only be that... decent. But its possible right? Do any of you guys find yourself in a relationship because you just want that attention.. someone that makes you falsly feel good about yourself.. there may be no attraction what so ever... but you stick with them no matter how much you are miserable, how you feel like you are getting jipped, because you want to have someone. I know lots of girls (and guys) that do this... and I am even guilty of accusing people behind their backs of it... now I find myself preaching to the choir. I do the exact same thing. I have had people tell me "ya know katie it just seems like you have to have someone" and I dismniss it like no you're wrong but in actuality they are right. I dont feel ashamed about it, i mean it pisses me off hat I do it, but I dont feel embarassed because a lot of people do it.. its almost natural. But it sure does suck. I find that when I am single (nobody in my life nobody I still like or want to like or whatever) I am completly happy... I mean yeah everyone wants a boyfriend but it wasn't on the top of my list...I treated it like "if it comes it comes and when it does I'll cross that bridge when I get there"
I liked that katie... the katie that didnt care.. the katie that didnt have to worry about how someone feels about her. I think thats it... I get so worked up and worried about things being absolutly PERFECT its like I take it personally when something goes wrong ... I automatically assume that its me... I have this thing where I have to make sure everyone is happy... if someone is not happy I go into this funk where I break down and solely focus on doing everything possible to do whatever it is to make that person feel better. This is where I get into trouble... I fell into that "shit hole" last year because of it... I focus all my attention of pleasing everyone but myself... it really led to a nasty downfal and a huge reality check... and thugh I have learned majority of my lesson I stilll have this problem when it comes to relationships... I want to make sure the guy is happy that I loose sight of things and then when I feel that something is wrong (and it could be something that has nothing to do with me.. like he could be having a bad day) and I take it personally and assume its me... get all concerned about it and then it turns out it was nothing.. and I dunno it just tends to create so much drama within my mind and I dunno maybe this sounds like I am self conscience but I'd like to think that I am just a caring person... but who are we fooling right?
But anyways I am trailing off... my point being is there really someone out there for me? I mean yes there are.. but maybe there are several people out there for me... like no relationship is going to be perfect (though you could have a slim chance I guess) its just all about finding someone you have some sort of click with and then constantly working at the relationship until the day you part. I often wonder if its about finding someone period.. like do people just take the first person that gives them the time of day and run with it.. again that chance of it being a complete hit off being slim. I dont know... last week number 4 and I "broke up" my horoscope in the paper that day read "Remember that your heart belongs to someone true blue waiting patiently, even if to much chatter gets in the way of bliss" I immediatly cut it out, and put it on the front of my planner. Someone true blue... I thought I'd be funny and assume that means they are a die hard kentucky fan (because for those that arent at UK... we bleed blue lol) but regardless... I transformed back to my dreamer stage... left the reality thinking and thought "yeah there is someone out there waiting for me" Maybe these alterations to our thinking that come into action to help us cope. Or maybe to feed us unrealistic pacifiers to make us feel better about ourselves for the time being.