CSI Fic: Smiles
Smiles
Do you know how many different smiles you are using everyday?
First, there’s the greeting smile you use when simple words won’t be enough. When you feel that you won’t reach your goal by relying on your verbal skills. This smile has been directed at all of us, I think. It’s been directed at Nick, at Warrick, at Sofia, Brass, Greg and Griss. At countless victims and relatives of victims. At police officers, waitresses, witnesses. And at me.
Then there’s your reassuring smile. The smile that tells people that everything will be alright.That you’ll make it your personal responsibility to set things right again. Do you even know that when you use that smile, you get that determined wrinkle on your forehead and there’s this expression in your eyes? So soft, yet so firm that nobody would ever think of doubting your words.
It’s funny, you know. I think that this is the smile I know best from you. And yet it’s never been directed at me. But I have to admit that this is mostly my fault, though. It’s not that I never wished for you to reassure me with one of your smiles. It’s rather that I wished for it too much. So everytime when I needed reassurance and you approached me, I threw it right back in your face. It scares me, how much I long to see your smile. And so I use my only defence against you: anger. Anger and hurting words. I can’t have you come too close to me, not with everything between us.
You probably wonder what I’m talking about, don’t you? You’ll argue that it’s my own fault that there are issues between us, provoqued by all the shouting, all the insults we’ve been throwing at each other. Well, partly you are right. Partly. But have you ever wondered why I’m always so on edge around you? Have you ever thought that there might be more to it than aversion? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason is something completely different from aversion? The very opposite, to be exact? Gosh, who am I kidding! You probably never gave it a second thought, right? I’m just the bitch from work that’s annoying you and that you’re all too willing to forget once shift is over and you can fall into his arms.
And that’s where your next smile fits in. It’s the smile you give the one you love. It’s the smile I know less of all, yet it’s the one that’s been keeping me awake ever since I saw you with him. It’s been exactly two days and fifteen hours ago. Wanna know why I keep such a minuteous track on it? Well, it’s been exactly two hours and fifteen days since I realised that I’m the greatest fool in the universe. The one destiny decided to really make a laugh of. No, it’s not enough that I’ve been in love with my co-worker for over three years and always been trying to work up the courage to ask her out. It’s not enough that my daughter knew of my feelings before I did and instinctively formed a bond with you. It’s not enough that I’ve tried to conceal my growing attraction to you by yelling at you every chance I got, just to see you reacting to me at least on some level - pathetic, I know. No, the fates really had to finish me up royally, didn’t they? My best friend, after years of solitude, finally happy - with the person I love more than life itself. With the person that can touch people with so many different smiles of hers, every single one tugging at my heart.
The smile you gave him, back in that goddamn lab, it was the smile I have always dreamt of being directed at me. It was a smile of pure love, a small smile, but with that sparkle in your eyes and a deep affection displaying in the very curve of your lips. I’ve never seen you so carefree in the whole time I’ve known you. And I swear, I was surprised that none of you seemed to hear the sound of breaking glass that was my heart, falling apart in my chest. I don’t know how long I stood there, on that threeshold, staring at you. I just know that as soon as I realised what was going on, I turned on my heel and fled the scene.
I haven’t seen either of you since then. I phoned in sick yesterday and I think tomorrow won’t bring much of a change at that. I know, sooner or later I’ll have to get back to work, but right now, all I can do is to lay here on my bed and think about how I wasted my chance to discover the most beautiful one of your smiles for me. Good God, I don’t think I ever had that chance to begin with. It was never me you wanted, it was never me you saved that smile for, wasn’t it? It’s always been him, right from the start.
But do you wanna know hurts most of all?
It’s that his answering smile was one I’ve never seen on him either. He loves you, Sara, it’s just goddamn obvious, just like your love for him. And you two are such a sickeningly sweet meant-for-each-other couple that I know I never stood a chance and never will. Let’s face it. The most beautiful one of your smiles was never meant for me and never will be. Never.
Do you know how many different smiles you are using everyday?
First, there’s the greeting smile you use when simple words won’t be enough. When you feel that you won’t reach your goal by relying on your verbal skills. This smile has been directed at all of us, I think. It’s been directed at Nick, at Warrick, at Sofia, Brass, Greg and Griss. At countless victims and relatives of victims. At police officers, waitresses, witnesses. And at me.
Then there’s your reassuring smile. The smile that tells people that everything will be alright.That you’ll make it your personal responsibility to set things right again. Do you even know that when you use that smile, you get that determined wrinkle on your forehead and there’s this expression in your eyes? So soft, yet so firm that nobody would ever think of doubting your words.
It’s funny, you know. I think that this is the smile I know best from you. And yet it’s never been directed at me. But I have to admit that this is mostly my fault, though. It’s not that I never wished for you to reassure me with one of your smiles. It’s rather that I wished for it too much. So everytime when I needed reassurance and you approached me, I threw it right back in your face. It scares me, how much I long to see your smile. And so I use my only defence against you: anger. Anger and hurting words. I can’t have you come too close to me, not with everything between us.
You probably wonder what I’m talking about, don’t you? You’ll argue that it’s my own fault that there are issues between us, provoqued by all the shouting, all the insults we’ve been throwing at each other. Well, partly you are right. Partly. But have you ever wondered why I’m always so on edge around you? Have you ever thought that there might be more to it than aversion? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason is something completely different from aversion? The very opposite, to be exact? Gosh, who am I kidding! You probably never gave it a second thought, right? I’m just the bitch from work that’s annoying you and that you’re all too willing to forget once shift is over and you can fall into his arms.
And that’s where your next smile fits in. It’s the smile you give the one you love. It’s the smile I know less of all, yet it’s the one that’s been keeping me awake ever since I saw you with him. It’s been exactly two days and fifteen hours ago. Wanna know why I keep such a minuteous track on it? Well, it’s been exactly two hours and fifteen days since I realised that I’m the greatest fool in the universe. The one destiny decided to really make a laugh of. No, it’s not enough that I’ve been in love with my co-worker for over three years and always been trying to work up the courage to ask her out. It’s not enough that my daughter knew of my feelings before I did and instinctively formed a bond with you. It’s not enough that I’ve tried to conceal my growing attraction to you by yelling at you every chance I got, just to see you reacting to me at least on some level - pathetic, I know. No, the fates really had to finish me up royally, didn’t they? My best friend, after years of solitude, finally happy - with the person I love more than life itself. With the person that can touch people with so many different smiles of hers, every single one tugging at my heart.
The smile you gave him, back in that goddamn lab, it was the smile I have always dreamt of being directed at me. It was a smile of pure love, a small smile, but with that sparkle in your eyes and a deep affection displaying in the very curve of your lips. I’ve never seen you so carefree in the whole time I’ve known you. And I swear, I was surprised that none of you seemed to hear the sound of breaking glass that was my heart, falling apart in my chest. I don’t know how long I stood there, on that threeshold, staring at you. I just know that as soon as I realised what was going on, I turned on my heel and fled the scene.
I haven’t seen either of you since then. I phoned in sick yesterday and I think tomorrow won’t bring much of a change at that. I know, sooner or later I’ll have to get back to work, but right now, all I can do is to lay here on my bed and think about how I wasted my chance to discover the most beautiful one of your smiles for me. Good God, I don’t think I ever had that chance to begin with. It was never me you wanted, it was never me you saved that smile for, wasn’t it? It’s always been him, right from the start.
But do you wanna know hurts most of all?
It’s that his answering smile was one I’ve never seen on him either. He loves you, Sara, it’s just goddamn obvious, just like your love for him. And you two are such a sickeningly sweet meant-for-each-other couple that I know I never stood a chance and never will. Let’s face it. The most beautiful one of your smiles was never meant for me and never will be. Never.