failure failure failure
Bet you never thought you'd see me again, did you, livejournal?
Yeah, didn't think so.
But alas, here I am, because I'm not sure who else to turn to. Friends and family, and hell even the dentist all say the same thing, "I'll keep my fingers crossed for you." "I'll say a prayer." "Something will turn up, don't worry." "Just give it time." "Don't worry, you'll find something."
While it's nice to know that I have so many people backing me up, its hard to know that wishing and hoping does nothing. Hell, even throwing applications and resumes and cover letters and letters of recommendation does nothing. At least that's the way it seems to be.
So what am I doing wrong? Probably a lot of things. I wonder what chain of events has lead me to this place.
Possibility #1
The economy. Teachers are getting laid off left and right, even some who have been working in certain school districts, in certain schools for YEARS. It's only fair that they get hired back to their position before I get hired... right?
Possibility #1.2
Still the economy... but teachers are far less willing to retire than ever before. damn 401-k's. alas: positions that would be opening up, are not.
Possibility #2
Putting too much weight on getting a job at Thoreau... was I so hesitant to apply ALL OVER until I knew that the positions at Thoreau were filled. (let me give you the low down here... I student taught there and worked as a summer school teacher there, but the principal was leaving, and wasn't someone favored by the majority of the staff so I didn't have her observe my teaching though I probably should've. therefore... the only people to vouge [sp?] for me are other teachers at thoreau, not a principal like every other student teacher, ever.)
Possibility #3
Transcripts Transcripts Transcripts. Let's go way back, shall we? Learned about a year ago that I couldn't do the double major thing, which was fine, switched back over to having theatre and drama as a minor... then my theatre advisor bclayton told me that i was all set to graduate. sweet! then i get this email that I'm not because of my major. So I go see bclayton and she tells me I am there just has to be a substitution made for a class I did take in place of a class I didn't. Unfortunately since I'm no longer MAJORING in T&D she can't make the substitution and i have to send it along to msullivan. msullivan takes FOR EV ER to get back to me saying it will be made. time passes... i graduate (at least I thought i did...) i get transcripts printed (and pay for them, and send one to minnesota for licensure, then they tell me it doesn't say my degree... hmmmm!) june rolls around and i get an email "We're sorry, we were unable to graduate you"
Kc: omg asd;fkhas;kgja; ;asldkfj#$%(*&#$ sullivan! you're going to burkjs;faonsvakerg;aksd;aowiy!
I send a stern yet appropriate and polite email.
He figures out i was put in the summer graduates pile, not the spring graduates pile, calls me from his home number (how nice) and gets it figured out by the next morning. PHEW!
So yeah, new transcripts need to be printed, which takes time, and then i have to find a way to scan them into my application... which also takes time since i dont have a scanner. THEN I FINALLY COMPLETE MY APPLICATION. however, it's not like they don't look at it until this point, I had already finished teaching summer school, somewhat illegally, by now. =]
Possibility #4
I should've taken getting wait listed by the ed fellow program my freshman year and the actual school of ed my junior year as a sign that somebody up there REALLY DOESN'T TRUST ME WITH CHILDREN.
Possibility #5
I merely suck at life.
So yeah, I'm going by all of the above.
I honestly don't know why I haven't cried yet. I sit at home alone all day, a lot of times going through my stuff and organizing. I find myself wishing I were a kid again, or even in high school again, or college, obviously. I feel like I seriously went wrong somewhere. I know this is all the depressive failure side of me talking, but I don't know where cheerful Kasey went, I honestly probably left her in a classroom somewhere next to those pencils that kids still use until they're about as big as my thumbnail.
I love school. I seriously love school. I'm giddy for newly sharpened pencils and post it notes and backpacks with lots of fun pockets. I love flashcards and highlighters and books books books everywhere. I feel like I missed the magic school bus, and everybody is on it.
I also decided I'm going to be Ms. Frizzle for halloween. Anybody have an iguana I can borrow?
So how long before I feel like I'm moving again?
How long before I can find a smile on my face
What's it going to take to get myself living again
[[I like surveys... so you're gettin a double dose of kasey fay:
Was your first kiss perfect? not perfect, extremely exciting, but not what i thought it was going to be
Without naming names, say one thing to someone. HIRE ME. I PROMISE I'M A GOOD TEACHER.
What song did you hear last? the pink song in the music section
You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems? nope. that's the way we like it
Is the last person you kissed older than you? Yes.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone & what did you talk about? John from pennzoil. my new dipstick is ready!
What woke you up this morning? mark's phone call
Do you, or are you supposed to wear retainers? nope
Do you ever write in pencil anymore? yep. i love pencils
Have you ever thought about killing someone in detail? yes... their name might've been mentioned above, but that was all erased when he fixed the problem.
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J, A, G, M, S or D? j, a, m, s, d
Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't? please hire me?
Who was the last person you took a picture of? ummmmm i'm not sure
If you HAD to get a tattoo where would you get it? back of my neck, lightbulb
If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be? red
If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? definitely
How late did you stay up last night, why? 12 or later... i was on the phone and then couldn't sleep. brain won't shut off
Who did you last share a bed with? luke
How's your heart lately? stressed
Would you have a baby with the last person who called you? umm john from pennzoil? probably not. he looks like he's married and has kids...
Would you have a baby with the last person you kissed? whaaaaat. maybe after several years of money making
Anyone say they wanted to be with you forever? yes
Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone? yep
Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them? yes
Have you ever liked someone older than you? yes
Who was the first person you talked to today? mark, he called me to wake me up so i could work on the application which has a server that doesn't like me
Do you try hard in school? when given the opportunity!
What's annoying you? feeling like a failure? need i say more?
Is anyone on your bad side right now? kind of? every school district, everywhere
Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today? not straight... i've been driving a lot today
Do you remember who you liked this time three months ago? that one guy... gah! what's his name?? m... mm-something
Is there anyone in the room with you? luke just left
Could you go out in public looking like you do now? indeed. i just got home from pennzoil for the second time today
What are your plans for the weekend? hang out with mark, labor day party with the rubringers on sunday and the wagner's on monday
What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? he used to have a crush on paula abdul
Whats a song that should be played for your ex? what's with all the questions about my ex?
Have you yelled at anyone in the past few days? yelled? I don't think so
Have you ever broken your own heart? I'm sure I have
What were you doing last night at 10 and why? texting, organizing my closet, looking through old notes, cards, letters
What does the tenth text in your inbox say? "oh man, I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't even thinking about that :/"
When will your next kiss take place? when mark comes to visit this weekend
Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back? yep. try all day everyday.
Ever been cheated on? not that i know of
Kissed anyone with the name starting with a R? yep
Has anyone said they love you in the last week? yes. mark, mom, dad, mocha "arr arr ooo"
How many people have you kissed this summer? one
What about since 2009 started? one
How was your love life at Christmas last year? good :) vundabahhhh (wonderful with a german accent)
Does your phone have to be charged every day? nope
When is the last time you took a nap? maybe last wednesday?
What was on your mind most today? WHY CAN'T I EVER DO ANYTHING THE EASY WAY?!?!?!
Who was the last person you hugged? luke. he says hi. er.. "ruff".
What song makes you laugh? that kesha, excuse me, ke$ha, song where she says "i like your beard"
Is your phone beside you? heck yes it is.
Do you have any siblings? one (for now!!) kellie is engaged to joe and I'm soooo excited to have a brother
Do you get along? For the most part.
Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Closed, unless i want luke to come in and visit me :)
You found out your ex had sex with one of your friends, what do you do? i don't know that i'd do anything
Do you drink tea? yes. i'm actually excited for winter so i can make tea like crazy. i've been so hot all summer and can't bring myself to do it
Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation? depends what i get to do on the vacation and how much it's going to cost me... though I've never been to canada...
Do you want to get married? yes
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? yes
Your ex says they never even liked you, you say? well you're not coming to my birthday party! wah!
Are relationships ever really worth it? no. fuck you fuck you you're cool fuck you i'm out. okay my real answer is definitely
Do you believe in love? Yes. just listen to the rhythm of my heart
Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? Always. just talking about stuff is the best
How fast does your mood change? depends how fast my brain is working - old answer, still agree
What do you always take with you? keys, shoes, glasses/contacts (something where i can see)
Would you say you're an understanding person? yes. i try
Where do you want to live when you are old? Somewhere kickass - old answer, i still agree
Have you ever asked a male for advice? daaaaaaaad what do i doooooo?
Who were the last people you went to the movies with? mark - get low
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes, i've been told i give too many chances
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? mark
Where was the last place you went out to eat? subway in walmart. don't hate, I was getting my tire fixed. damn nails! hooray for road hazard warranty.
Which do you prefer - eyes or lips? lips. i'm really bad at remembering people's eye color. lip color is pretty easy.
Medicine, fine arts, or law? Fine arts people, come on. THEATRE??
Best kind of pizza? TOPPERS
Is your bedroom window open? blinds open, windows shut (the ac is on)
What is in store for your future? I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW
Do you take care of your friends while they are sick? I try to... usually it's hungover haha
How many songs are on your iTunes? 8498
What brand of digital camera do you own? i think it's a nikon
What were you doing at 11:59 PM on last Monday night? I have no idea
Are you a quitter? I didn't think I was, now I'm not so sure]]
Yeah, didn't think so.
But alas, here I am, because I'm not sure who else to turn to. Friends and family, and hell even the dentist all say the same thing, "I'll keep my fingers crossed for you." "I'll say a prayer." "Something will turn up, don't worry." "Just give it time." "Don't worry, you'll find something."
While it's nice to know that I have so many people backing me up, its hard to know that wishing and hoping does nothing. Hell, even throwing applications and resumes and cover letters and letters of recommendation does nothing. At least that's the way it seems to be.
So what am I doing wrong? Probably a lot of things. I wonder what chain of events has lead me to this place.
Possibility #1
The economy. Teachers are getting laid off left and right, even some who have been working in certain school districts, in certain schools for YEARS. It's only fair that they get hired back to their position before I get hired... right?
Possibility #1.2
Still the economy... but teachers are far less willing to retire than ever before. damn 401-k's. alas: positions that would be opening up, are not.
Possibility #2
Putting too much weight on getting a job at Thoreau... was I so hesitant to apply ALL OVER until I knew that the positions at Thoreau were filled. (let me give you the low down here... I student taught there and worked as a summer school teacher there, but the principal was leaving, and wasn't someone favored by the majority of the staff so I didn't have her observe my teaching though I probably should've. therefore... the only people to vouge [sp?] for me are other teachers at thoreau, not a principal like every other student teacher, ever.)
Possibility #3
Transcripts Transcripts Transcripts. Let's go way back, shall we? Learned about a year ago that I couldn't do the double major thing, which was fine, switched back over to having theatre and drama as a minor... then my theatre advisor bclayton told me that i was all set to graduate. sweet! then i get this email that I'm not because of my major. So I go see bclayton and she tells me I am there just has to be a substitution made for a class I did take in place of a class I didn't. Unfortunately since I'm no longer MAJORING in T&D she can't make the substitution and i have to send it along to msullivan. msullivan takes FOR EV ER to get back to me saying it will be made. time passes... i graduate (at least I thought i did...) i get transcripts printed (and pay for them, and send one to minnesota for licensure, then they tell me it doesn't say my degree... hmmmm!) june rolls around and i get an email "We're sorry, we were unable to graduate you"
Kc: omg asd;fkhas;kgja; ;asldkfj#$%(*&#$ sullivan! you're going to burkjs;faonsvakerg;aksd;aowiy!
I send a stern yet appropriate and polite email.
He figures out i was put in the summer graduates pile, not the spring graduates pile, calls me from his home number (how nice) and gets it figured out by the next morning. PHEW!
So yeah, new transcripts need to be printed, which takes time, and then i have to find a way to scan them into my application... which also takes time since i dont have a scanner. THEN I FINALLY COMPLETE MY APPLICATION. however, it's not like they don't look at it until this point, I had already finished teaching summer school, somewhat illegally, by now. =]
Possibility #4
I should've taken getting wait listed by the ed fellow program my freshman year and the actual school of ed my junior year as a sign that somebody up there REALLY DOESN'T TRUST ME WITH CHILDREN.
Possibility #5
I merely suck at life.
So yeah, I'm going by all of the above.
I honestly don't know why I haven't cried yet. I sit at home alone all day, a lot of times going through my stuff and organizing. I find myself wishing I were a kid again, or even in high school again, or college, obviously. I feel like I seriously went wrong somewhere. I know this is all the depressive failure side of me talking, but I don't know where cheerful Kasey went, I honestly probably left her in a classroom somewhere next to those pencils that kids still use until they're about as big as my thumbnail.
I love school. I seriously love school. I'm giddy for newly sharpened pencils and post it notes and backpacks with lots of fun pockets. I love flashcards and highlighters and books books books everywhere. I feel like I missed the magic school bus, and everybody is on it.
I also decided I'm going to be Ms. Frizzle for halloween. Anybody have an iguana I can borrow?
So how long before I feel like I'm moving again?
How long before I can find a smile on my face
What's it going to take to get myself living again
[[I like surveys... so you're gettin a double dose of kasey fay:
Was your first kiss perfect? not perfect, extremely exciting, but not what i thought it was going to be
Without naming names, say one thing to someone. HIRE ME. I PROMISE I'M A GOOD TEACHER.
What song did you hear last? the pink song in the music section
You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems? nope. that's the way we like it
Is the last person you kissed older than you? Yes.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone & what did you talk about? John from pennzoil. my new dipstick is ready!
What woke you up this morning? mark's phone call
Do you, or are you supposed to wear retainers? nope
Do you ever write in pencil anymore? yep. i love pencils
Have you ever thought about killing someone in detail? yes... their name might've been mentioned above, but that was all erased when he fixed the problem.
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J, A, G, M, S or D? j, a, m, s, d
Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't? please hire me?
Who was the last person you took a picture of? ummmmm i'm not sure
If you HAD to get a tattoo where would you get it? back of my neck, lightbulb
If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be? red
If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? definitely
How late did you stay up last night, why? 12 or later... i was on the phone and then couldn't sleep. brain won't shut off
Who did you last share a bed with? luke
How's your heart lately? stressed
Would you have a baby with the last person who called you? umm john from pennzoil? probably not. he looks like he's married and has kids...
Would you have a baby with the last person you kissed? whaaaaat. maybe after several years of money making
Anyone say they wanted to be with you forever? yes
Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone? yep
Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them? yes
Have you ever liked someone older than you? yes
Who was the first person you talked to today? mark, he called me to wake me up so i could work on the application which has a server that doesn't like me
Do you try hard in school? when given the opportunity!
What's annoying you? feeling like a failure? need i say more?
Is anyone on your bad side right now? kind of? every school district, everywhere
Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today? not straight... i've been driving a lot today
Do you remember who you liked this time three months ago? that one guy... gah! what's his name?? m... mm-something
Is there anyone in the room with you? luke just left
Could you go out in public looking like you do now? indeed. i just got home from pennzoil for the second time today
What are your plans for the weekend? hang out with mark, labor day party with the rubringers on sunday and the wagner's on monday
What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? he used to have a crush on paula abdul
Whats a song that should be played for your ex? what's with all the questions about my ex?
Have you yelled at anyone in the past few days? yelled? I don't think so
Have you ever broken your own heart? I'm sure I have
What were you doing last night at 10 and why? texting, organizing my closet, looking through old notes, cards, letters
What does the tenth text in your inbox say? "oh man, I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't even thinking about that :/"
When will your next kiss take place? when mark comes to visit this weekend
Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back? yep. try all day everyday.
Ever been cheated on? not that i know of
Kissed anyone with the name starting with a R? yep
Has anyone said they love you in the last week? yes. mark, mom, dad, mocha "arr arr ooo"
How many people have you kissed this summer? one
What about since 2009 started? one
How was your love life at Christmas last year? good :) vundabahhhh (wonderful with a german accent)
Does your phone have to be charged every day? nope
When is the last time you took a nap? maybe last wednesday?
What was on your mind most today? WHY CAN'T I EVER DO ANYTHING THE EASY WAY?!?!?!
Who was the last person you hugged? luke. he says hi. er.. "ruff".
What song makes you laugh? that kesha, excuse me, ke$ha, song where she says "i like your beard"
Is your phone beside you? heck yes it is.
Do you have any siblings? one (for now!!) kellie is engaged to joe and I'm soooo excited to have a brother
Do you get along? For the most part.
Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Closed, unless i want luke to come in and visit me :)
You found out your ex had sex with one of your friends, what do you do? i don't know that i'd do anything
Do you drink tea? yes. i'm actually excited for winter so i can make tea like crazy. i've been so hot all summer and can't bring myself to do it
Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation? depends what i get to do on the vacation and how much it's going to cost me... though I've never been to canada...
Do you want to get married? yes
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? yes
Your ex says they never even liked you, you say? well you're not coming to my birthday party! wah!
Are relationships ever really worth it? no. fuck you fuck you you're cool fuck you i'm out. okay my real answer is definitely
Do you believe in love? Yes. just listen to the rhythm of my heart
Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? Always. just talking about stuff is the best
How fast does your mood change? depends how fast my brain is working - old answer, still agree
What do you always take with you? keys, shoes, glasses/contacts (something where i can see)
Would you say you're an understanding person? yes. i try
Where do you want to live when you are old? Somewhere kickass - old answer, i still agree
Have you ever asked a male for advice? daaaaaaaad what do i doooooo?
Who were the last people you went to the movies with? mark - get low
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes, i've been told i give too many chances
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? mark
Where was the last place you went out to eat? subway in walmart. don't hate, I was getting my tire fixed. damn nails! hooray for road hazard warranty.
Which do you prefer - eyes or lips? lips. i'm really bad at remembering people's eye color. lip color is pretty easy.
Medicine, fine arts, or law? Fine arts people, come on. THEATRE??
Best kind of pizza? TOPPERS
Is your bedroom window open? blinds open, windows shut (the ac is on)
What is in store for your future? I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW
Do you take care of your friends while they are sick? I try to... usually it's hungover haha
How many songs are on your iTunes? 8498
What brand of digital camera do you own? i think it's a nikon
What were you doing at 11:59 PM on last Monday night? I have no idea
Are you a quitter? I didn't think I was, now I'm not so sure]]