I refuse to believe that it's only me--I'm not over you yet...
My relationship with God has been a confused one. Oddly enough, what brings me closer to Him is a romantic relationship. It's like the realization of exactly how vulnerable I am sends me into a tailspin that ends with me curled up in His word, clinging to His every promise like it is the only thing between me and devastation.
What isn't so funny though, is that that is exactly the state of affairs. That really is all that stands between me and absolute, utter ruin.
I sometimes kid myself that people, or school, or even just myself are enough. So far I've done nothing but fail on that count. God isn't done with me, and He wants more attention from me. I hate using scripture, and sometimes it is so , so, so hard to bring up God when people need me to, and more often then not, I feel like I failed horribly as a friend by doing so because it felt so clumsy. But what makes it even worse? Is that sometimes the verses that God gave to me that speak so clearly to my soul don't impact others. And they just pass over them, and I want to hide the verses away in my heart for an eternity.
And then I get nudged back into it again later.
God is amazing.
His word is so secure. He promises encircling, protection, sustainment, dreams, companionship, fellowship, forgiveness--and He means it all. I have a journal full of verses that spoke to me. The Bible is the one and only book I've ever been able to highlight in--flipping through the pages is a rainbow of yellows, oranges and pinks, as verses fly by. Special verses. Romans 8:31. Psalm 119:116-7. James 1:17.
And what makes it the most amazing thing ever? His word is His covenant. He can not break it. It has made His word interchangable with His person---they are bound together for an eternity--my God and His promises. How cool is that?
Tonight I flashed on a verse, and I had to scramble to pull out my Bible and find the reference and, it made me feel heart-sick. I haven't read my Bible in at least three weeks, probably longer. I've been so wrapped up with school and trying to stay alive that I didn't make time to read, and told myself that God would be okay with just a few random prayers here and there. You know the type; "Great sunrise, God" or "Please, please, please get me to school safely, God".
But... I think He might want more, and by might? I mean does.
I love you, God. I'm sorry I've been giving you the snub. Please help me to keep Psalm 119:116-7 close, so that I never forget your unfailing nature.
I love you.
What isn't so funny though, is that that is exactly the state of affairs. That really is all that stands between me and absolute, utter ruin.
I sometimes kid myself that people, or school, or even just myself are enough. So far I've done nothing but fail on that count. God isn't done with me, and He wants more attention from me. I hate using scripture, and sometimes it is so , so, so hard to bring up God when people need me to, and more often then not, I feel like I failed horribly as a friend by doing so because it felt so clumsy. But what makes it even worse? Is that sometimes the verses that God gave to me that speak so clearly to my soul don't impact others. And they just pass over them, and I want to hide the verses away in my heart for an eternity.
And then I get nudged back into it again later.
God is amazing.
His word is so secure. He promises encircling, protection, sustainment, dreams, companionship, fellowship, forgiveness--and He means it all. I have a journal full of verses that spoke to me. The Bible is the one and only book I've ever been able to highlight in--flipping through the pages is a rainbow of yellows, oranges and pinks, as verses fly by. Special verses. Romans 8:31. Psalm 119:116-7. James 1:17.
And what makes it the most amazing thing ever? His word is His covenant. He can not break it. It has made His word interchangable with His person---they are bound together for an eternity--my God and His promises. How cool is that?
Tonight I flashed on a verse, and I had to scramble to pull out my Bible and find the reference and, it made me feel heart-sick. I haven't read my Bible in at least three weeks, probably longer. I've been so wrapped up with school and trying to stay alive that I didn't make time to read, and told myself that God would be okay with just a few random prayers here and there. You know the type; "Great sunrise, God" or "Please, please, please get me to school safely, God".
But... I think He might want more, and by might? I mean does.
I love you, God. I'm sorry I've been giving you the snub. Please help me to keep Psalm 119:116-7 close, so that I never forget your unfailing nature.
I love you.