coming out of the crypt
~she used to make herself sick. she would wish with all her heart that people would care about her, actually care if she was sick, so she would suffer a mental break, and pass out. or she would self injure herself and go to the emergency room. she did this to see if anyone would care if she got sick. she felt validated as a person when people would take care of her. how else would she receive attention. i think its a sick thing to do...to this day she still wishes there was a secret illness that would give her some self worth, give her a reason for people to care about her.~
~she is bisexual. she has been so close to making love with a woman, but was too confused to go forward to nakedness. while she and her beautiful female companion were topless, she could not pleasure her the way she wanted. the turning point was when she was very little. her best friends were the ones she could count on. they were all women and men. she had thoughts she was told were wrong, so she pushed them to the back of the cerebrum.~
~she is a penetrative virgin. she has done almost everything. she owns a vibrator, two in fact, but one is too big to use. she has performed the cancer sign, she has given mouth to basement pleasure and received also, she has even performed cotton on cotton. but her deep flower has never seen a honeybee. she lies about being close to it, because she wants people to think she is a person of worth. she does not believe she is a person of worth.~
~she lied about having cancer. for no reason at all, other than being psychotic in my opinion, she held onto her best friend with dreadlocks, and told him she was sick. she had legions on her body that she couldnt recognize, and it scared her. so she told people closest to her what she thought it was. she was never diagnosed and could never receive treatment for it because she had no money. to this day she still wonders if the pain she went through was malignant or benign. but she was never diagnosed.~
~she is lit by pregnant women and doesnt know why. there was a time she went to a target, saw a pregnant woman shopping for clothes. it excited her so much she went to the dressing rooms and gave herself an orgasm. the tightness of her pants elated her. she says it was the most quiet tiny death she has ever experienced.~
~she thinks about killing herself every day, and it scares her. every day she comes in contact with possible ways of ending her life. she will tear up and push it away. a bottle of advil and she wonders if it would actually do the job or if it would just make her very sick. she has no access to a tall building like she did 2 years ago. that option is out for her. a slitting of the wrists for her would be too intense, because she doesnt think she could handle the pain. she almost jumped in front of a moving car while walking along a black dark road at 2am. she worries that one day on a two-lane two way road she will have a pshychotic break and drive head on into a tree or guard rail. even then she still worries if it would actually kill her. she doesnt want to linger on with paralysis or a vegetative state. she scratches her skin until it bleeds because she hates her flesh. she looks at her scars and realizes it has been so long since she has given herself a new one. the saddest fact about her is that she started because she wanted to belong somewhere with some group of people. she wants to be a damaged person so she would have people care about her, and so she would have a reason to feel as demented as she feels.~
~she wants and doesnt want a psychiatrist. she has no money for one. she wants someone to give their professional opinion on her mental state. she believes she is insane. something is very wrong inside her and she wants to know what it is and how to fix it. she was better of when she was medicated. she wants professional help. but paying for someone to talk to is pathetic to her, so for now she has to settle for a christian pastor. which is equally as pathetic because their beliefs differ.~
~she tells ridiculous lies for no reason, and she tells me all the time that she doesnt know why or how to fix it. she knows it isnt healthy for her.~
~she does not feel beautiful most of the time.~
~she wants attention. she wants to be noticed. she goes into a store and pretends to be deaf because she wants someone to see her and remember her.~
~her happiest moments were kissing a woman...when she was in love with a woman. not a man like the world would like to think of her. when she speaks of the greatest love of her life, this is who she means.~
~she wants people to think shes smart, even though she is not. she used to pretend to be an expert on things, just to feel special. she would research something before letting it come out of her mouth, so she wouldnt be pretending. she wanted to be good at something, know something really well that no one else did. she relishes when she knows an artist for a long time before they come out, and when she introduces another to them. she wants something that is just hers, and no one elses. she doesnt do this anymore, and it saddens her that she no longer tries to be good at anything.~
the last of the crypt is out. there is no longer anything to hide. the great question is if it's lunacy.
~she is bisexual. she has been so close to making love with a woman, but was too confused to go forward to nakedness. while she and her beautiful female companion were topless, she could not pleasure her the way she wanted. the turning point was when she was very little. her best friends were the ones she could count on. they were all women and men. she had thoughts she was told were wrong, so she pushed them to the back of the cerebrum.~
~she is a penetrative virgin. she has done almost everything. she owns a vibrator, two in fact, but one is too big to use. she has performed the cancer sign, she has given mouth to basement pleasure and received also, she has even performed cotton on cotton. but her deep flower has never seen a honeybee. she lies about being close to it, because she wants people to think she is a person of worth. she does not believe she is a person of worth.~
~she lied about having cancer. for no reason at all, other than being psychotic in my opinion, she held onto her best friend with dreadlocks, and told him she was sick. she had legions on her body that she couldnt recognize, and it scared her. so she told people closest to her what she thought it was. she was never diagnosed and could never receive treatment for it because she had no money. to this day she still wonders if the pain she went through was malignant or benign. but she was never diagnosed.~
~she is lit by pregnant women and doesnt know why. there was a time she went to a target, saw a pregnant woman shopping for clothes. it excited her so much she went to the dressing rooms and gave herself an orgasm. the tightness of her pants elated her. she says it was the most quiet tiny death she has ever experienced.~
~she thinks about killing herself every day, and it scares her. every day she comes in contact with possible ways of ending her life. she will tear up and push it away. a bottle of advil and she wonders if it would actually do the job or if it would just make her very sick. she has no access to a tall building like she did 2 years ago. that option is out for her. a slitting of the wrists for her would be too intense, because she doesnt think she could handle the pain. she almost jumped in front of a moving car while walking along a black dark road at 2am. she worries that one day on a two-lane two way road she will have a pshychotic break and drive head on into a tree or guard rail. even then she still worries if it would actually kill her. she doesnt want to linger on with paralysis or a vegetative state. she scratches her skin until it bleeds because she hates her flesh. she looks at her scars and realizes it has been so long since she has given herself a new one. the saddest fact about her is that she started because she wanted to belong somewhere with some group of people. she wants to be a damaged person so she would have people care about her, and so she would have a reason to feel as demented as she feels.~
~she wants and doesnt want a psychiatrist. she has no money for one. she wants someone to give their professional opinion on her mental state. she believes she is insane. something is very wrong inside her and she wants to know what it is and how to fix it. she was better of when she was medicated. she wants professional help. but paying for someone to talk to is pathetic to her, so for now she has to settle for a christian pastor. which is equally as pathetic because their beliefs differ.~
~she tells ridiculous lies for no reason, and she tells me all the time that she doesnt know why or how to fix it. she knows it isnt healthy for her.~
~she does not feel beautiful most of the time.~
~she wants attention. she wants to be noticed. she goes into a store and pretends to be deaf because she wants someone to see her and remember her.~
~her happiest moments were kissing a woman...when she was in love with a woman. not a man like the world would like to think of her. when she speaks of the greatest love of her life, this is who she means.~
~she wants people to think shes smart, even though she is not. she used to pretend to be an expert on things, just to feel special. she would research something before letting it come out of her mouth, so she wouldnt be pretending. she wanted to be good at something, know something really well that no one else did. she relishes when she knows an artist for a long time before they come out, and when she introduces another to them. she wants something that is just hers, and no one elses. she doesnt do this anymore, and it saddens her that she no longer tries to be good at anything.~
the last of the crypt is out. there is no longer anything to hide. the great question is if it's lunacy.