lost and found box
i found this today which by the way HELLO FUCKING FORESHADOWING HOLY SHIT.
LilRuffRider88 [7:56 PM]: if i get separated from you until im 18 then i do...if the things i say to her fuck things up with me and you. i believe that me and you will be tgether
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: so do i
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: you have to risk it
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: im asking u..
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: to risk it
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: you need to be strong
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: and if it makes it so that i cant come online anymore...if she takes me cell..if i cant communicate with you in anyway that will be ok withyou
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: no
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: but
Pjpaws44 [7:58 PM]: i dont htink that will happen.
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: you want me to risk that?
Pjpaws44 [7:58 PM]: because its not about me, this letter isn't about me
Pjpaws44 [7:58 PM]: its abotu u and her karina
LilRuffRider88 [7:59 PM]: wel thats what could happen melissa
Pjpaws44 [7:59 PM]: what do you want to do for the next two years sneak around till we get caught and she freaks out because everything is a secret and she ends up throwing me in jail or something
Pjpaws44 [7:59 PM]: she's capable of anything right?
come on folks...how funny....i even mention going to JAIL!
and i realized today as i was reading this that the only goddamn reason she gets to be so fucking happy with Rene is because I MADE HER TALK TO HER MOM.
ME. I DID IT. I went to jail in order for shit to be out in the open. I told the cop everything about their crummy relationship, i gave him fucking emails from her explaining how miserable she was and how her mom was just a fucking drunk and didn't know how to raise her kid...
i did that.
and where did it get me? i mean honestly... where am i now? HERE! and she's there! and she's so happy and it feels like someone just took a dirty hand and squeezed my heart a little.
yeah...i am such a liar...i still love her, absolutely. and i don't know why! because i think in the back of my mind she's not completely right for me but then again...i never felt like that with anybody.
ever.
and the only reason we couldn't get THAT close was because of her mom, who loved me until she found out. and if we had been able to get close, i would've been the one that she had beside her when she came out and everything...
instead you know, Rene's the first girlfriend they know of.
it just pisses me off and it's so fucking ironic because i always go with my heart, always and over the past year i felt like i wasn't going to make it out of massachusetts whole at all...
and now her life is so much better, at my expense
there would be no rene if i hadn't broken down all those walls and brought it out in the open.
and this is funny because i just told lauren i haven't been thinking about this at all because i yelled at chris last night for bitching about community service for breaking curfew because i'm on probation for two fucking years.
i wasn't really angry either until it just occured to me that she's only happy now because i went through hell.
it's just kind of hard to get over somebody when everybody that follows that person is so...minimal in comparison. how every touch is just a touch really and it's not like i feel like i'm on fire or anything. it's just a touch. it's just a kiss. it's just a fuck really. it's the way it is. i'm not worried about being too deeply hurt by these little flings because in the end they don't really mean anything.
i stopped talking to dee, big fucking deal, pebble in the road. if i stop talking to jayme, big fucking deal, i barely know her. i stopped talking to jen, i wasn't crying over it. shit happens, fuckin whatever. it doesn't hurt because there's nothing TO hurt. i've already been hurt enough.
i wish i wasn't at school because i kind of want to cry. i just can't believe this. when they broke up briefly in october she said to me
"I'm so sorry I hurt you the way I did because now I know how you feel." and it didn't make me feel good because she knew, it broke my heart because she didn't feel like that when she lost me. and all i could say to her was 'yeah' but it made me so goddamn mad. that she thinks that rene loves her in this amazing way when they're always fighting and every time i talk to karina she's upset over something about rene.
and i went through everything for her, i was even fucking loyal to her through all that bullshit. and this is where it gets me!
and that's why it's pointless to fall in love.
and i'm not trying to dwell on anything. i guess it appears that way. i just needed to vent because if i don't vent i'm gonna end up crying and my make-up looks really good today so fuck that :P
i also realized how i'm going to end my book and it's giong to be a really sad coming of age lesbian drama. not like theres oodles of those around, and even so, it's not like many are really good, or even real. they're all about catholic school girls and shit.
i have 2 hours before class... i think i'm handing in RYAN...the first five pages, i need to write her out of my system and it's not gonna happen unless i force myself but man! it was like salt on the wound tonight. just when you think you're over something... bam. i don't think i'll be over her until the summer comes, and then the falls comes, and she's 18, and in westfield, with rene. and i called this a long time ago, the whole moving on thing.
yeah well...it's fucking cold in here.
they had a snow day in fitchburg the other day. cara posted a pic of all the snow by russell towers. it made me miss it a lot because i remember walkign through snow and wind and shit to get to the cafeteria and then the sand being all over the dorm because of the snow and stuff...
ehhh...onward.
LilRuffRider88 [7:56 PM]: if i get separated from you until im 18 then i do...if the things i say to her fuck things up with me and you. i believe that me and you will be tgether
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: so do i
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: you have to risk it
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: im asking u..
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: to risk it
Pjpaws44 [7:57 PM]: you need to be strong
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: and if it makes it so that i cant come online anymore...if she takes me cell..if i cant communicate with you in anyway that will be ok withyou
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: no
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: but
Pjpaws44 [7:58 PM]: i dont htink that will happen.
LilRuffRider88 [7:58 PM]: you want me to risk that?
Pjpaws44 [7:58 PM]: because its not about me, this letter isn't about me
Pjpaws44 [7:58 PM]: its abotu u and her karina
LilRuffRider88 [7:59 PM]: wel thats what could happen melissa
Pjpaws44 [7:59 PM]: what do you want to do for the next two years sneak around till we get caught and she freaks out because everything is a secret and she ends up throwing me in jail or something
Pjpaws44 [7:59 PM]: she's capable of anything right?
come on folks...how funny....i even mention going to JAIL!
and i realized today as i was reading this that the only goddamn reason she gets to be so fucking happy with Rene is because I MADE HER TALK TO HER MOM.
ME. I DID IT. I went to jail in order for shit to be out in the open. I told the cop everything about their crummy relationship, i gave him fucking emails from her explaining how miserable she was and how her mom was just a fucking drunk and didn't know how to raise her kid...
i did that.
and where did it get me? i mean honestly... where am i now? HERE! and she's there! and she's so happy and it feels like someone just took a dirty hand and squeezed my heart a little.
yeah...i am such a liar...i still love her, absolutely. and i don't know why! because i think in the back of my mind she's not completely right for me but then again...i never felt like that with anybody.
ever.
and the only reason we couldn't get THAT close was because of her mom, who loved me until she found out. and if we had been able to get close, i would've been the one that she had beside her when she came out and everything...
instead you know, Rene's the first girlfriend they know of.
it just pisses me off and it's so fucking ironic because i always go with my heart, always and over the past year i felt like i wasn't going to make it out of massachusetts whole at all...
and now her life is so much better, at my expense
there would be no rene if i hadn't broken down all those walls and brought it out in the open.
and this is funny because i just told lauren i haven't been thinking about this at all because i yelled at chris last night for bitching about community service for breaking curfew because i'm on probation for two fucking years.
i wasn't really angry either until it just occured to me that she's only happy now because i went through hell.
it's just kind of hard to get over somebody when everybody that follows that person is so...minimal in comparison. how every touch is just a touch really and it's not like i feel like i'm on fire or anything. it's just a touch. it's just a kiss. it's just a fuck really. it's the way it is. i'm not worried about being too deeply hurt by these little flings because in the end they don't really mean anything.
i stopped talking to dee, big fucking deal, pebble in the road. if i stop talking to jayme, big fucking deal, i barely know her. i stopped talking to jen, i wasn't crying over it. shit happens, fuckin whatever. it doesn't hurt because there's nothing TO hurt. i've already been hurt enough.
i wish i wasn't at school because i kind of want to cry. i just can't believe this. when they broke up briefly in october she said to me
"I'm so sorry I hurt you the way I did because now I know how you feel." and it didn't make me feel good because she knew, it broke my heart because she didn't feel like that when she lost me. and all i could say to her was 'yeah' but it made me so goddamn mad. that she thinks that rene loves her in this amazing way when they're always fighting and every time i talk to karina she's upset over something about rene.
and i went through everything for her, i was even fucking loyal to her through all that bullshit. and this is where it gets me!
and that's why it's pointless to fall in love.
and i'm not trying to dwell on anything. i guess it appears that way. i just needed to vent because if i don't vent i'm gonna end up crying and my make-up looks really good today so fuck that :P
i also realized how i'm going to end my book and it's giong to be a really sad coming of age lesbian drama. not like theres oodles of those around, and even so, it's not like many are really good, or even real. they're all about catholic school girls and shit.
i have 2 hours before class... i think i'm handing in RYAN...the first five pages, i need to write her out of my system and it's not gonna happen unless i force myself but man! it was like salt on the wound tonight. just when you think you're over something... bam. i don't think i'll be over her until the summer comes, and then the falls comes, and she's 18, and in westfield, with rene. and i called this a long time ago, the whole moving on thing.
yeah well...it's fucking cold in here.
they had a snow day in fitchburg the other day. cara posted a pic of all the snow by russell towers. it made me miss it a lot because i remember walkign through snow and wind and shit to get to the cafeteria and then the sand being all over the dorm because of the snow and stuff...
ehhh...onward.