Good people
I'm good people. I've spent the vast majority of my life trying to be good people. I sometimes don't know why I try so freaking hard. I'm so much better to people than they deserve. I seriously need counseling to figure that shit out.
Where have all the good men gone, by the way? I suppose they are all married or hiding in a hole somewhere. When I am ready to get out there I want movie love. I want grand gestures. I want romance like it's going out of style. I want to be swept off my feet. I want my breathe taken away. I want to feel like the center of the fucking universe. Why? Because I deserve it. That's why. I've spent my whole life giving that to people and haven't gotten it in return. And it's about time I do.
For once I want to be chased. I want someone to ask me out. I want them to want me. It's always on my side. Always. And I'm kinda over it always being on me to make the effort. So much effort. All of the effort. And I don't even think it's worth it.
People tell me I'm amazing. I don't feel like I am. I want to. I want someone to say to me, hey, you're fucking amazing and you deserve the moon and the stars and I can't give that to you, but I'm going to try.
I sometimes feel like I missed my chance with the one person who lit me up on a level that I can't even begin to explain. I think about him from time to time and continue to tell myself it just wasn't meant to be. He was everything I dreamed of and then some. But when there's a timeline to your time with someone, it's much easier to show only the good. That's the thing about people. The more time you spend with them, the more you get to know the real person under all the awesome. Sometimes, they are awesome through and through. Sometimes they are really ugly. Sometimes they are broken. Sometimes they are just downright mean.
I don't know that I believe in soulmates. I don't know that I believe in love. I do believe in trust, but trust is hard for me now. I mean, I trust to a point, but not past that. And true, deep love... well, that's just impossible without complete trust in someone. So it very well be for me, I had the great love that lasted a little while. And for fucks sake I should be grateful. If someone can't give me that at bare minimum, then I'm wasting my time. End of story.