Stress
This is what happens when you take 7 months off and then you go back into the work force as if a toddler learning to walk.
Today is the first time in a very, very long time that I didn't eat lunch because I just wasn't hungry. That's saying a lot. I used to work at Facebook!
I've lost my appetite almost completely, even when working out and running. You know, things that your body requires food for. I try to eat and then just can't. I'm being neurotic. I know this, but unfortunately I can't seem to shake it. I have been setup to fail at work and that actually breaks my heart.
I don't have to be the best, but I have to do my best. And when my best isn't even coming close to being good enough, I panic. The truth is though, I can't keep working 10-11 hour days. I am not taking care of myself at all and just spiraling out of control. Granted, there's a lot going on, and the vast majority of it is out of my control. It still doesn't make me feel good about the work I'm doing.
I wasn't trained. I'm not really being helped when I ask. Treading water endlessly without land in sight.
And the things that happened at work the other day ago. Yeah. I'm not able to forgive that. I can't look the other way. I'm too good of a person. It's basically the same reason I couldn't keep working at Facebook. Well, one of the many reasons I couldn't stay (there were a lot).
The next question becomes, what do I do now? Not much until June. Then? Go back to what's easy for me? I guess. Why the hell not at this point? Work life balance is something that tops the list of importance nowadays. Without it, I can't ever be happy. How can I live in such a beautiful place and never go outside? Yeah, no.
Life is never easy. It's just not. We're given choices all the damn time and sometimes, we make what seems like the best decision at the time, and then we come to find out how it really is. That's not to say I think I made a bad decision. I think I made the best decision at the time with the information I had. Soon, it will be time to move on.