Day 3
I didn't cry today. I got teary eyed, but I didn't cry.
I woke up feeling better today. I took a shower and did affirmations in the mirror for the first time in forever. It was hard. I told myself that I was sorry for loving myself the way I should. I will be better about that. I told myself that I'm beautiful because I am. Just saying sorry was a little overwhelming.
It been kind of amazing through this breakup just how much people are willing to share about their own relationships. Past and present. It's incredibly helpful to realize that no relationship is perfect, but that there are certain things that shouldn't happen. One of which is one person making the other feel invisible, small, or like they don't matter. Yelling really shouldn't happen on a regular basis. I don't really think at all. And no one should ever feel like they don't meet their partner's expectations.
I walked a lot today which was helpful. I went up to UCSC and checked out my old dorm. They are doing a lot of construction up at Crown, but Gauss House is still there continuing the awesome. A lot of stuff happened there. That's where I transitioned from a kid to a quasi adult. Good memories. I still can't believe it's been 14 years. OMG I feel old.
Brian called today. We chatted. He's listening to an audio book about expectations. He says the book is changing him. He's going to be different. He's realizing just how badly he treated me. He apologized. He said he would sign the divorce paperwork but he doesn't want it to be the end.
I don't think I believe reading one book will change you. I think it can challenge your beliefs. I think you can try to change your habits for a minute or two, but I am very doubtful that you can change who you are by reading or listening to a book. There's a lot more work that needs to be done. On a regular basis.
Also, I don't even know if I want to be friends with him, let alone be married. I don't even really like him. No one likes him. When all my friends are happy and excited by the news that I've left, something is wrong. He crushed my emotional soul to a pulp. It took me leaving for him to realize what he was doing was not okay. I have to remember all the bad things he did when I have a moment of weakness thinking about the good things. 6 years of emotional abuse and he thinks I should give it one more chance because he's going to change after reading a book. It's laughable really. I hope he does change, but not because he wants to save our marriage. Because he wants to be a better person and never make another person feel the way that I have felt and continue to feel.
Bad things he did:
In the very beginning of our relationship he withheld sex to control me.
He made me share my calendar and location with him so he knew where I was and what I was doing.
He didn't want me to be friends with single guys unless they were gay
Didn't want to have a party to celebrate our marriage because the financial burden and he didn't want to be the center of attention.
Threatened to breakup with me multiple times including and not limited to:
When I took him down a ski run
When we were kayaking and I wiggled the boat a little
In a restaurant
In front of my parents
So many times I can't remember them all.
Called me a cunt
Called me a whore
Said I have bad friends. Mostly he really didn't a couple of my girlfriends.
Didn't think I should have girls weekend or girls nights.
Said I was weak for crying.
Avoided my friends.
Complained about me to my friends when he was drunk.
Made me feel bad about buying our condo.
Not believing in any kind of foreplay. Ever.
Guilting me into sex.
Made biking and hiking and pretty much walking into a competition.
Made me feel inadequate.
Never took care of me.
Made me feel like my health was an inconvenience to him.
Made me feel bad for dancing.
Made me feel bad for goofing around.
Made me feel bad because I didn't grocery shop the way he wanted.
Made me feel like I didn't hike, bike, or walk fast enough or long enough.
Said homeless people should die.
Threw tantrums and got mad at strangers.
Made me feel invisible.
Made me feel small.
Made me like I didn't matter.
Made me feel guilty for being me.
And he thinks I should give him just one more chance. Every single time he said he was going to change and never treat me like that again, do you know what he did? Nothing. Treated me like shit again. And over and over and over again. He killed whatever part of me actually wanted to be romantically involved. It's gone. It's never coming back.
The thing that KILLS me is I actually still feel sorry for him. I do. I shouldn't, but I do. This fucking guy has done unbelievable, horrible emotional damage and I still feel fucking sorry for him. Oh my God I have a problem.
I woke up feeling better today. I took a shower and did affirmations in the mirror for the first time in forever. It was hard. I told myself that I was sorry for loving myself the way I should. I will be better about that. I told myself that I'm beautiful because I am. Just saying sorry was a little overwhelming.
It been kind of amazing through this breakup just how much people are willing to share about their own relationships. Past and present. It's incredibly helpful to realize that no relationship is perfect, but that there are certain things that shouldn't happen. One of which is one person making the other feel invisible, small, or like they don't matter. Yelling really shouldn't happen on a regular basis. I don't really think at all. And no one should ever feel like they don't meet their partner's expectations.
I walked a lot today which was helpful. I went up to UCSC and checked out my old dorm. They are doing a lot of construction up at Crown, but Gauss House is still there continuing the awesome. A lot of stuff happened there. That's where I transitioned from a kid to a quasi adult. Good memories. I still can't believe it's been 14 years. OMG I feel old.
Brian called today. We chatted. He's listening to an audio book about expectations. He says the book is changing him. He's going to be different. He's realizing just how badly he treated me. He apologized. He said he would sign the divorce paperwork but he doesn't want it to be the end.
I don't think I believe reading one book will change you. I think it can challenge your beliefs. I think you can try to change your habits for a minute or two, but I am very doubtful that you can change who you are by reading or listening to a book. There's a lot more work that needs to be done. On a regular basis.
Also, I don't even know if I want to be friends with him, let alone be married. I don't even really like him. No one likes him. When all my friends are happy and excited by the news that I've left, something is wrong. He crushed my emotional soul to a pulp. It took me leaving for him to realize what he was doing was not okay. I have to remember all the bad things he did when I have a moment of weakness thinking about the good things. 6 years of emotional abuse and he thinks I should give it one more chance because he's going to change after reading a book. It's laughable really. I hope he does change, but not because he wants to save our marriage. Because he wants to be a better person and never make another person feel the way that I have felt and continue to feel.
Bad things he did:
In the very beginning of our relationship he withheld sex to control me.
He made me share my calendar and location with him so he knew where I was and what I was doing.
He didn't want me to be friends with single guys unless they were gay
Didn't want to have a party to celebrate our marriage because the financial burden and he didn't want to be the center of attention.
Threatened to breakup with me multiple times including and not limited to:
When I took him down a ski run
When we were kayaking and I wiggled the boat a little
In a restaurant
In front of my parents
So many times I can't remember them all.
Called me a cunt
Called me a whore
Said I have bad friends. Mostly he really didn't a couple of my girlfriends.
Didn't think I should have girls weekend or girls nights.
Said I was weak for crying.
Avoided my friends.
Complained about me to my friends when he was drunk.
Made me feel bad about buying our condo.
Not believing in any kind of foreplay. Ever.
Guilting me into sex.
Made biking and hiking and pretty much walking into a competition.
Made me feel inadequate.
Never took care of me.
Made me feel like my health was an inconvenience to him.
Made me feel bad for dancing.
Made me feel bad for goofing around.
Made me feel bad because I didn't grocery shop the way he wanted.
Made me feel like I didn't hike, bike, or walk fast enough or long enough.
Said homeless people should die.
Threw tantrums and got mad at strangers.
Made me feel invisible.
Made me feel small.
Made me like I didn't matter.
Made me feel guilty for being me.
And he thinks I should give him just one more chance. Every single time he said he was going to change and never treat me like that again, do you know what he did? Nothing. Treated me like shit again. And over and over and over again. He killed whatever part of me actually wanted to be romantically involved. It's gone. It's never coming back.
The thing that KILLS me is I actually still feel sorry for him. I do. I shouldn't, but I do. This fucking guy has done unbelievable, horrible emotional damage and I still feel fucking sorry for him. Oh my God I have a problem.