Stop saying I'm sorry!
How do you deal with something you don't understand? And how do you get other people to understand that their apologizies are making you feel worse? If anyone has the answers to those questions, I am in dire need of them. I am so tired of putting on a brave front or lying about how I feel. I can't be the strong person. Not right now. I just want to sit down and cry without some one patting my arm with yet another apology. It is my grief. I should have some say in how I go through it. Yet, at the moment, I feel more like I am an animal on show. Everyone watching to see how Danielle deals with the "loss" of her baby.
Why do they even term it that way? You lose shoes or your keys. You don't lose a baby. A baby dies or a baby lives. Mine died. It isn't easy for me to say that, or to even accept it at the moment. I am trying though. I am trying so hard to come to grips with the fact that in April I won't be holding my baby. And I am trying to be happy for my friends who are due around that same time. I just need some space to do that. I need to be able to get through this without well meaning people making things worse. If they knew how I felt they wouldn't say the sorrys, or pat my arm. They would leave me alone. Like I want. Yet, how am I suppose to tell these people who love me to shut up? How am I suppose to say they are making me feel worse? I can't. I can't do it. So I am going to quietly suffer through it all and pray that I don't do myself more harm than good in doing so.