(no subject)
I hate knowing when everyone is leaving. In a crude way, it's like knowing when someone is going to die. You want it to come quicker, just want it to be over with. Who likes waiting for something they don't want to come? I am fighting so hard to keep things normal, but I feel so distant. So out of touch. I feel like I am losing friendships, losing faith, losing an invisible battle. Friends keep saying those three little words and it keeps getting harder and harder for me to believe them. I am "emotionally un-available". The professional way of describing myself. I don't know what's happening.
My dad doesn't go to church anymore. His bible is in the closet, I'm not used to it being gone from his bedside. He is turning 48 soon. I helped him send out his new resumes the other day, and I could tell he was embarassed. At the young age of 18, I have already accomplished and seen more than my 47 year old father. But he is working so hard. It makes me feel like I have worked for nothing in my life. I slid through high school, didn't apply for scholarships, don't need student loans, have never had a real job. My dad is supporting three daughters on a high school degree. Sometimes I wonder why he does it. I wonder if I would be able to do it. But this is why I have to go to college. I never want to have to do anything. I want to do things my way, have control. My kids are always going to have a mother in charge.
I don't know why this word vomit is coming up right now, but I do know that I have to get it out. Even though it doesn't feel like it's me saying what I'm reading, I know it is. My head and my heart are connected at the moment.
Something feels wrong and if I type enough maybe it will go away.
Jen
My dad doesn't go to church anymore. His bible is in the closet, I'm not used to it being gone from his bedside. He is turning 48 soon. I helped him send out his new resumes the other day, and I could tell he was embarassed. At the young age of 18, I have already accomplished and seen more than my 47 year old father. But he is working so hard. It makes me feel like I have worked for nothing in my life. I slid through high school, didn't apply for scholarships, don't need student loans, have never had a real job. My dad is supporting three daughters on a high school degree. Sometimes I wonder why he does it. I wonder if I would be able to do it. But this is why I have to go to college. I never want to have to do anything. I want to do things my way, have control. My kids are always going to have a mother in charge.
I don't know why this word vomit is coming up right now, but I do know that I have to get it out. Even though it doesn't feel like it's me saying what I'm reading, I know it is. My head and my heart are connected at the moment.
Something feels wrong and if I type enough maybe it will go away.
Jen