(no subject)
So, I went to Amanda's visitation last night. I've only been to maybe two other visitations before, both with closed caskets...but this one was so different. Her casket was open. And I'll never ever forget the way I felt last night when I saw her.
When we got there I was nervous because I hadn't been to a visitation since the 10th grade and I knew the casket would be open. We walked into the lobby and people were all standing around talking and crying. It was an awful sight in itself. The minute Alexia stepped through the door she was hysterical...which made me want to cry too...just seeing her like that was awful. We watched a slideshow of pictures of Amanda and her friends and she just looked so cute and happy and alive. It was hard for me to watch, and I wasn't even very good friends with her. We stayed in the lobby for a while, and for a minute I forgot that I'd have to eventually go in and see her.
We walked in the sanctuary and it was like a high school reunion. It is sad that it takes something like this for all of us to get together again. I saw a lot of people I knew and I talked to a few but I was so distracted by her body at the front of the room that I think I was sort of like a zombie. I walked up with Alexia to look at her and I got so nauseas. She didn't look like herself. She was pale and yellow, with a little bit of makeup to make her look more alive I guess. She was wearing a white turtle neck (to cover up the marks where she'd hung herself) with a matching sweater over it...nothing she would have worn when she was alive. It was the most eerie thing standing there watching her...I kept waiting for her to wake up.
Alexia hugged Amanda's mom and sister and I was amazed at how calm and serene they both were standing by her coffin. I can't imagine standing there with one of my family members dead right next to me. I started to cry and I felt really silly because I know that everyone there knew I wasn't best friends with her or anything...I didn't want to be that girl who cried for attention.
After that we sat down in the pews and just sat in silence and watched everyone around us. Some girls we went to high school with were on the front row right in front of the coffin. They were laughing and giggling like this was some fun party or something...it made me so angry. Everytime a new person walked in they'd jump up and hug them and laugh and joke. It made me sick.
I watched Amanda the whole time...and how everyone was just milling around her. The focus really wasn't on her...it was on everyone else...the family and friends. It was weird...like there is this party for you and you're in the middle of the room but you can't talk and no one pays attention to you...they just talk about you and occasionally look at you like you're a piece of art in a glass case. The whole experience was surreal to me and I still can't get the images out of my head.
After the visitation Alexia, Jennifer, Dustin, Hal, John and I went to eat at Bahama Breeze. For a little while we all got our minds off of what we'd just experienced and we really had fun. I felt guilty about it afterwards...like the second we stepped out of that church she didn't exist anymore...we weren't sad anymore.
I got home last night and bawled. I was just emotionally drained. This morning "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisley came on CMT. I just lost it. That song was playing to her slide show. And all I can think about is why? She'll never be able to graduate from college...or get married or have kids or anything. Was life really that bad for her? I picture her face in my mind...her dead face...and I can't imagine why she would want to take the life from her body. Things were bad in her life...but not bad enough to do this. She'd gotten a DUI and her parents were really upset with her...her ex boyfriend got engaged...little things that happen to all of us at some point. Why did she feel so alone? It makes me angry because my friend Don told me that he'd seen her a couple of weeks earlier...he said she looked sad and not at all like herself...and he asked her what was wrong and right in front of her mother she said, "I'm just so upset"...he asked about what and she said "about everything...I'm just so depressed, Don...I need help". Why didn't her mother do anything!?
This is the most real death that I've ever experienced. When my grandparents died I didn't go to their funeral or see their bodies...and even though it is several years later it still just feels like they're on vacation or something. It's like they disappeared but that doesn't mean they're dead to me. But Amanda is dead...I saw her. It scares me and I just have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I cannot get rid of.
When we got there I was nervous because I hadn't been to a visitation since the 10th grade and I knew the casket would be open. We walked into the lobby and people were all standing around talking and crying. It was an awful sight in itself. The minute Alexia stepped through the door she was hysterical...which made me want to cry too...just seeing her like that was awful. We watched a slideshow of pictures of Amanda and her friends and she just looked so cute and happy and alive. It was hard for me to watch, and I wasn't even very good friends with her. We stayed in the lobby for a while, and for a minute I forgot that I'd have to eventually go in and see her.
We walked in the sanctuary and it was like a high school reunion. It is sad that it takes something like this for all of us to get together again. I saw a lot of people I knew and I talked to a few but I was so distracted by her body at the front of the room that I think I was sort of like a zombie. I walked up with Alexia to look at her and I got so nauseas. She didn't look like herself. She was pale and yellow, with a little bit of makeup to make her look more alive I guess. She was wearing a white turtle neck (to cover up the marks where she'd hung herself) with a matching sweater over it...nothing she would have worn when she was alive. It was the most eerie thing standing there watching her...I kept waiting for her to wake up.
Alexia hugged Amanda's mom and sister and I was amazed at how calm and serene they both were standing by her coffin. I can't imagine standing there with one of my family members dead right next to me. I started to cry and I felt really silly because I know that everyone there knew I wasn't best friends with her or anything...I didn't want to be that girl who cried for attention.
After that we sat down in the pews and just sat in silence and watched everyone around us. Some girls we went to high school with were on the front row right in front of the coffin. They were laughing and giggling like this was some fun party or something...it made me so angry. Everytime a new person walked in they'd jump up and hug them and laugh and joke. It made me sick.
I watched Amanda the whole time...and how everyone was just milling around her. The focus really wasn't on her...it was on everyone else...the family and friends. It was weird...like there is this party for you and you're in the middle of the room but you can't talk and no one pays attention to you...they just talk about you and occasionally look at you like you're a piece of art in a glass case. The whole experience was surreal to me and I still can't get the images out of my head.
After the visitation Alexia, Jennifer, Dustin, Hal, John and I went to eat at Bahama Breeze. For a little while we all got our minds off of what we'd just experienced and we really had fun. I felt guilty about it afterwards...like the second we stepped out of that church she didn't exist anymore...we weren't sad anymore.
I got home last night and bawled. I was just emotionally drained. This morning "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisley came on CMT. I just lost it. That song was playing to her slide show. And all I can think about is why? She'll never be able to graduate from college...or get married or have kids or anything. Was life really that bad for her? I picture her face in my mind...her dead face...and I can't imagine why she would want to take the life from her body. Things were bad in her life...but not bad enough to do this. She'd gotten a DUI and her parents were really upset with her...her ex boyfriend got engaged...little things that happen to all of us at some point. Why did she feel so alone? It makes me angry because my friend Don told me that he'd seen her a couple of weeks earlier...he said she looked sad and not at all like herself...and he asked her what was wrong and right in front of her mother she said, "I'm just so upset"...he asked about what and she said "about everything...I'm just so depressed, Don...I need help". Why didn't her mother do anything!?
This is the most real death that I've ever experienced. When my grandparents died I didn't go to their funeral or see their bodies...and even though it is several years later it still just feels like they're on vacation or something. It's like they disappeared but that doesn't mean they're dead to me. But Amanda is dead...I saw her. It scares me and I just have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I cannot get rid of.