Contingence
I somehow wished and expected for 2020 to be better than 2019.
While I don't think 2019 completely sucked in my personal life, in general it was kicking us around quite a lot due to the typical external circumstances (I want to think my country went into straight hell since late 2018, you can't change my mind - one thing is being highly disappointed of what the government does and take it as a "normal" for YEARS. ANOTHER is being highly disappointed of it in a DAILY basis because it doesn't look that they know what they are doing - hence, everything feels incredibly stagnant). You may think "next year is going to be better". Personally, I wanted to believe in it.
Then, this month started. And, my god, it has been a VERY long month.
I didn't even enjoyed my birthday well, I guess. I know that birthdays when one is an adult aren't even that much important anyways, but I still wanted to practice some kind of selfcare kind of stuff for me besides doing it with my family. Instead, I had to do it ahead of time because there was this national "no women" strike day (my bd falls the day after the International Women Day, so... you have to imagine...) and, well. I wanted to take the whole week to do some stuff to compensate it... for the plan to start falling into pieces when we started to have some COVID-19 cases confirmed in my state.
Thi isn't my first contingence experience, but certainly I didn't expect it to happen to live through one of these again in a whole decade. When the AH1N1 hit, I was a high schooler close to her graduation. So, most of my memories about it are hazy at worst, but most of the things we did to prevent contagion are still present in my head.
I understand that COVID-19 is much more contagious than the AH1N1, "proooobably" less lethal than it is, however. I mean "probably" in the sense that, it is still a new virus, it has to be treated differently, etc, etc.
Also, big differences - Mexico in 2009 was not the same Mexico in 2020. We were more prepared when the AH1N1 happened... CANNOT say the same with the COVID-19 - that much, that the first instructions of aislation and healthy social distance came from the state governors... NOT FROM PRESIDENCY?! I dunno man, this sounds like an announced disaster that would definitely test us in "do you really want these idiots to keep governing you seeing how they are handling this worldwide pandemic situation?" Ugh, I simply cannot.
The other big difference is that, when the AH1N1 happened, I was finishing high school. The contingence, at best, I was occupied great part of my time because I didn't have much of an option - it was either studying for online exams (including finals) and doing the last bits of homework that our teachers would handle to give us... in their best abilities to do so. Fortunately, I think, the contingence fell in a time where Spring Break was going on, we were having finals in... May, I think? So it was a bit of vacation, stuck in the apartment we were living, in a city where there wasn't really that much incentive to go out, either. There... really wasn't much going on besides getting online and see what the world has been doing (at the time, I had Twitter and I was just getting started on Tumblr, and was still going to message boards *sigh*). So, yeah, it's kinda a bit hazy to me nowadays to remember what else I was doing.
As an adult, however... this new contingence is hitting me in the worst places.
I don't have an stable job, for starters, and I have been doing most of my jobs at "home office", so I do have a NEED to get out from my house at times... the thing is, I barely do so because I don't have that much of a motivation to go out either - I don't have friends, and my only "satisfactory" outing is just going to the nearby convenience store to get a treat (a coffee and some baked goods) weekly (also because I have to use my debit card, if not, the bank takes interests and taxes...). From there and out, I don't have many reasons to do so - most of the places I usually went to years ago are non-existent, cafés and the like? Not as nearby as one would think (I don't drive, public transport is expensive). I don't drink alcohol. Again, I really don't have friends to spend my time with.
HOWEVER, there are times that I HAVE to get out of the house. This whole thing is going to make me nuts :))).
Having an unstable job is also that - pretty unstable. Right now, sending applications for a stable one feels... useless, I guess? I'm not entirely sure if the ones I would apply for are going for "home office-like" work, even if it's the last thing I would want to go through, in all honesty. I need the human contact of others at times, I don't wanna keep me away from that, even more in the long term. *sigh*
This is goign to sound selfish - but at the same time, in the middle of all this... it kinda hurts seeing how the currency exchange rate has been going in the entire month. I'm selfish in saying this, it really sucks. I really want to spend in stuff that I like, and unfortunately most of what I purchase is imported. My excellent timing is excellent as always - amazingly horrendous. The world keeps walking on its own, even if it's horendous to me and the people around me. Something that looked affordable a month ago, is getting even more expensive as time goes on. Aaaaaand that sucks too...! Expensive is still expensive, but even more. And I KINDA promised myself to not spend more than I did this month... and then! Just then! My heart of a fan is trembling and tempted about a photobook, and the kind of fan I am, well, I CANNOT let it go. For this, instead of procrastinating the preorder, I decided on a limit term before things start to get WORSE (talking about currency exchange rates' bets/risks - it might get AWFUL), but I might make it EVEN more sooner because I'm scared and I don't wanna risk it (and it's a preorder/reservation - it comes out in three months). ...Can someone take me back to last year? When things weren't this dark yet?
I'm half not on the mood, being in the mood to do some things (not everything, however)... or simply wanting to sleep through it. I dunno.
I'm not really sure how to feel about all of this. I'm actually feeling very pessimistic about all of this, ngl. Not sure how to proceed. What I had "safe" is not even safe anymore, even if I proceed with some stuff I want(ed) to do.
*lies down*
While I don't think 2019 completely sucked in my personal life, in general it was kicking us around quite a lot due to the typical external circumstances (I want to think my country went into straight hell since late 2018, you can't change my mind - one thing is being highly disappointed of what the government does and take it as a "normal" for YEARS. ANOTHER is being highly disappointed of it in a DAILY basis because it doesn't look that they know what they are doing - hence, everything feels incredibly stagnant). You may think "next year is going to be better". Personally, I wanted to believe in it.
Then, this month started. And, my god, it has been a VERY long month.
I didn't even enjoyed my birthday well, I guess. I know that birthdays when one is an adult aren't even that much important anyways, but I still wanted to practice some kind of selfcare kind of stuff for me besides doing it with my family. Instead, I had to do it ahead of time because there was this national "no women" strike day (my bd falls the day after the International Women Day, so... you have to imagine...) and, well. I wanted to take the whole week to do some stuff to compensate it... for the plan to start falling into pieces when we started to have some COVID-19 cases confirmed in my state.
Thi isn't my first contingence experience, but certainly I didn't expect it to happen to live through one of these again in a whole decade. When the AH1N1 hit, I was a high schooler close to her graduation. So, most of my memories about it are hazy at worst, but most of the things we did to prevent contagion are still present in my head.
I understand that COVID-19 is much more contagious than the AH1N1, "proooobably" less lethal than it is, however. I mean "probably" in the sense that, it is still a new virus, it has to be treated differently, etc, etc.
Also, big differences - Mexico in 2009 was not the same Mexico in 2020. We were more prepared when the AH1N1 happened... CANNOT say the same with the COVID-19 - that much, that the first instructions of aislation and healthy social distance came from the state governors... NOT FROM PRESIDENCY?! I dunno man, this sounds like an announced disaster that would definitely test us in "do you really want these idiots to keep governing you seeing how they are handling this worldwide pandemic situation?" Ugh, I simply cannot.
The other big difference is that, when the AH1N1 happened, I was finishing high school. The contingence, at best, I was occupied great part of my time because I didn't have much of an option - it was either studying for online exams (including finals) and doing the last bits of homework that our teachers would handle to give us... in their best abilities to do so. Fortunately, I think, the contingence fell in a time where Spring Break was going on, we were having finals in... May, I think? So it was a bit of vacation, stuck in the apartment we were living, in a city where there wasn't really that much incentive to go out, either. There... really wasn't much going on besides getting online and see what the world has been doing (at the time, I had Twitter and I was just getting started on Tumblr, and was still going to message boards *sigh*). So, yeah, it's kinda a bit hazy to me nowadays to remember what else I was doing.
As an adult, however... this new contingence is hitting me in the worst places.
I don't have an stable job, for starters, and I have been doing most of my jobs at "home office", so I do have a NEED to get out from my house at times... the thing is, I barely do so because I don't have that much of a motivation to go out either - I don't have friends, and my only "satisfactory" outing is just going to the nearby convenience store to get a treat (a coffee and some baked goods) weekly (also because I have to use my debit card, if not, the bank takes interests and taxes...). From there and out, I don't have many reasons to do so - most of the places I usually went to years ago are non-existent, cafés and the like? Not as nearby as one would think (I don't drive, public transport is expensive). I don't drink alcohol. Again, I really don't have friends to spend my time with.
HOWEVER, there are times that I HAVE to get out of the house. This whole thing is going to make me nuts :))).
Having an unstable job is also that - pretty unstable. Right now, sending applications for a stable one feels... useless, I guess? I'm not entirely sure if the ones I would apply for are going for "home office-like" work, even if it's the last thing I would want to go through, in all honesty. I need the human contact of others at times, I don't wanna keep me away from that, even more in the long term. *sigh*
This is goign to sound selfish - but at the same time, in the middle of all this... it kinda hurts seeing how the currency exchange rate has been going in the entire month. I'm selfish in saying this, it really sucks. I really want to spend in stuff that I like, and unfortunately most of what I purchase is imported. My excellent timing is excellent as always - amazingly horrendous. The world keeps walking on its own, even if it's horendous to me and the people around me. Something that looked affordable a month ago, is getting even more expensive as time goes on. Aaaaaand that sucks too...! Expensive is still expensive, but even more. And I KINDA promised myself to not spend more than I did this month... and then! Just then! My heart of a fan is trembling and tempted about a photobook, and the kind of fan I am, well, I CANNOT let it go. For this, instead of procrastinating the preorder, I decided on a limit term before things start to get WORSE (talking about currency exchange rates' bets/risks - it might get AWFUL), but I might make it EVEN more sooner because I'm scared and I don't wanna risk it (and it's a preorder/reservation - it comes out in three months). ...Can someone take me back to last year? When things weren't this dark yet?
I'm half not on the mood, being in the mood to do some things (not everything, however)... or simply wanting to sleep through it. I dunno.
I'm not really sure how to feel about all of this. I'm actually feeling very pessimistic about all of this, ngl. Not sure how to proceed. What I had "safe" is not even safe anymore, even if I proceed with some stuff I want(ed) to do.
*lies down*