so many people describe themselves as "autistic" now that I don't know what it means anymore
Autism is currently defined as a highly variable neurodevelopmental disorder that is generally thought to cover a broad and deep spectrum, manifesting very differently from one person to another. Some have high support needs, may be non-speaking, and experience developmental delays; this is more likely with other co-existing diagnoses. Others have relatively low support needs; they may have more typical speech-language and intellectual skills but atypical social/conversation skills, narrowly focused interests, and wordy, pedantic communication. They may still require significant support in some areas of their lives. The spectrum model should not be understood as a continuum running from mild to severe, but instead means that autism can present very differently in each person. How a person presents can depend on context, and may vary over time.
Um ... then how does this word mean anything useful to me? Seriously, if a person tells me they're autistic I have no idea what that means. If a word can describe anything, it describes nothing.
This comes up this morning because a person on the poly subreddit was asking for advice, but didn't immediately admit to being autistic. So I gave some general advice. Meanwhile, the person did admit to being autistic in response to somebody else's comment, so then I started getting downvoted for not having already tailored my advice for an autistic person.
But, even had I known the person was autistic, how would my advice on dealing with poly relationship issues differ? I don't believe I can deduce anything in particular about you from knowing that you are autistic, because autism is such a "broad and deep spectrum".
I spoke with T about this, and we noted that in the 21st Century, especially among younger adults, it seems that certain psychiatric diagnoses have exploded in popularity, such as ADHD and autism, but also gender dysphoria and various kinds of anxiety. And there's also been a trend that people with these diagnoses are more likely to expect you to accommodate them and their disability, than to expect themselves to conform to the expectations of adult society.
T refers to this as playing the "Get Out of Adulthood Free" card.
For me, freedom is more about my freedom to be who I want to be and do what I want to do, not an expectation that others will change their behaviors to accommodate me. This is why, for me, adopting a nonbinary identity didn't require other people to do anything differently. I'm not changing my given name or my traditional pronouns. But I'm viewing myself differently, and talking about myself differently.
It's one thing to demand equal treatment under the law, such as marriage rights. It's a completely different thing to demand that private individuals treat you a certain way, such as forcing a cake decorator to decorate a same-sex wedding cake.
But with respect to the person with autism who wants to convert his current monogamous relationship to polyamorous, I really have no idea how my advice should be different based on his having autism. His partner's partners shouldn't have to know he's autistic or do anything differently, because they're not dating him. How his potential partners treat him, is up to how he and his potential partners negotiate their relationships. He and his potential partners will have to get to know each other and build their relationships based on their idiosyncratic commonalities, differences, beliefs, experiences, personalities, etc.
The problem he presented was that he has a difficult time dealing with changes to his routines. He's used to sleeping together with his partner every night, and although he's willing to vary his routine, he wants several days notice in advance to adjust. He finds it very difficult to adjust if his partner is out on a date, and then decides to sleepover.
I still don't see how knowing he's autistic helps me to craft advice. Having a poly lifestyle is going to be disruptive to your routines. Requiring your partner's partners to plan everything days in advance because of your autism isn't fair to them. I dunno. Maybe flip your routine so that the default is now that you sleep alone, and you can then plan ahead with YOUR partner(s) as to when you sleep together?
But here's where I'm probably acting like an old person: I don't care whether you have autism or not, if you want to allow your partner(s) to have multiple partners, and if you want to have multiple partners, you need to become more flexible about your routines. Just one example happened in my own life recently when B suddenly became homeless because of a fire in his condo building. Shit like that happens. The more people that you and your partners have in your life, the more shit will happen. You cannot stand astride the world and say, "But I have autism." Or ADHD, or bipolar, or whatever. If you can't handle that kind of disorder, then maybe poly isn't for you, regardless of your diagnostic labels.
Um ... then how does this word mean anything useful to me? Seriously, if a person tells me they're autistic I have no idea what that means. If a word can describe anything, it describes nothing.
This comes up this morning because a person on the poly subreddit was asking for advice, but didn't immediately admit to being autistic. So I gave some general advice. Meanwhile, the person did admit to being autistic in response to somebody else's comment, so then I started getting downvoted for not having already tailored my advice for an autistic person.
But, even had I known the person was autistic, how would my advice on dealing with poly relationship issues differ? I don't believe I can deduce anything in particular about you from knowing that you are autistic, because autism is such a "broad and deep spectrum".
I spoke with T about this, and we noted that in the 21st Century, especially among younger adults, it seems that certain psychiatric diagnoses have exploded in popularity, such as ADHD and autism, but also gender dysphoria and various kinds of anxiety. And there's also been a trend that people with these diagnoses are more likely to expect you to accommodate them and their disability, than to expect themselves to conform to the expectations of adult society.
T refers to this as playing the "Get Out of Adulthood Free" card.
For me, freedom is more about my freedom to be who I want to be and do what I want to do, not an expectation that others will change their behaviors to accommodate me. This is why, for me, adopting a nonbinary identity didn't require other people to do anything differently. I'm not changing my given name or my traditional pronouns. But I'm viewing myself differently, and talking about myself differently.
It's one thing to demand equal treatment under the law, such as marriage rights. It's a completely different thing to demand that private individuals treat you a certain way, such as forcing a cake decorator to decorate a same-sex wedding cake.
But with respect to the person with autism who wants to convert his current monogamous relationship to polyamorous, I really have no idea how my advice should be different based on his having autism. His partner's partners shouldn't have to know he's autistic or do anything differently, because they're not dating him. How his potential partners treat him, is up to how he and his potential partners negotiate their relationships. He and his potential partners will have to get to know each other and build their relationships based on their idiosyncratic commonalities, differences, beliefs, experiences, personalities, etc.
The problem he presented was that he has a difficult time dealing with changes to his routines. He's used to sleeping together with his partner every night, and although he's willing to vary his routine, he wants several days notice in advance to adjust. He finds it very difficult to adjust if his partner is out on a date, and then decides to sleepover.
I still don't see how knowing he's autistic helps me to craft advice. Having a poly lifestyle is going to be disruptive to your routines. Requiring your partner's partners to plan everything days in advance because of your autism isn't fair to them. I dunno. Maybe flip your routine so that the default is now that you sleep alone, and you can then plan ahead with YOUR partner(s) as to when you sleep together?
But here's where I'm probably acting like an old person: I don't care whether you have autism or not, if you want to allow your partner(s) to have multiple partners, and if you want to have multiple partners, you need to become more flexible about your routines. Just one example happened in my own life recently when B suddenly became homeless because of a fire in his condo building. Shit like that happens. The more people that you and your partners have in your life, the more shit will happen. You cannot stand astride the world and say, "But I have autism." Or ADHD, or bipolar, or whatever. If you can't handle that kind of disorder, then maybe poly isn't for you, regardless of your diagnostic labels.