the passing of Peak Responsibility (Thursday lunch break)
It's been over 4 years since I posted in here with the "peak responsibility" tag! I'd forgotten about that tag for a while.
Definitely, I'm past that point in my life :-) My work responsibilities are roughly the same as four years ago, but when I only have to commute once or twice per week, these responsibilities take less time and cause less stress. Dax has passed -- a dog was a lot of responsibility! K has moved away, so I spend less time seeing him or keeping an eye on him. T is away at least half of the time, so I spend less time with him, cleaning up after him, or caring for his needs. Even having a gym in the basement makes it easier to keep my responsibility to my own health, easier than traveling to a gym in Silver Spring or DC.
My other relationships are low-key, ad hoc, etc. I'm not trying to run marathons anymore.
We still have two cats. I care for the house and keep an eye on the condo. But in general my responsibilities have declined since 2019. I'm past the peak, and do not intend to climb that mountain again.
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A younger guy on Reddit was interested in dating an older guy. The younger guy says they get along and have fun together on dates, but that the older guy isn't interested in taking the relationship in a more "serious" direction. The older guy's stated reason is that he doesn't "want to be a burden" on the younger guy. Meaning, older guy will have more health problems, will have less energy, so, hey, younger guy, enjoy your youth, don't tie yourself down to an older guy.
The younger guy wanted advice from others on Reddit, on how to help older guy get over this feeling of being burdensome, his guilt.
My take was different, perhaps colored by recently hearing DavidS say similar things to me during the four months we were dating. DavidS was the younger guy by two decades in my relationship, but he didn't want to be a financial burden on me by having me spend more on our activities than he did. He also didn't want to be a social burden on my family, such as by joining us for holiday activities. Or a social burden on my friends or relationships, such as by hanging out with Ben & me at MAL, or coming over to play board games with B & me on a Sunday afternoon. "I don't want to be a burden," was a common statement from him.
I remember mildly pushing back against these notions, that he would be a burden. But now, hearing about somebody else using this "burden" excuse, I more clearly realize what was going on.
When the older guy in the Reddit case, or when DavidS in my own case, spoke of not wanting to be a burden, they were engaged in a kind of "reaction formation" in which the emotions they stated were the opposite of the actual emotions they felt. No, it isn't that they don't want to be a burden. No, what's really going on is that they're feeling burdened by the other person's request for a more serious or inclusive relationship.
"I don't want to be a burden," is simply a more polite way of saying, "Don't burden me with this."
Perhaps not in every case, some people really are trying to be polite when they actually want you to do something with/for them. The difference can be subtle. But here's the difference --> when somebody is trying to be polite, if you insist then they'll cave because they really wanted to do this all along, they were just trying to be polite. When somebody actually feels the opposite, that your request would be a burden on them, they don't cave.
It's a weird bit of social insanity, that people use the same phrase, "I don't want to be a burden," when sometimes they actually want to be a burden, but they're first politely making sure you're OK with that, while other times they're using the phrase to cover up their own dislike for the activity. These are bizzarely different uses for the same phrase.
I'm not sure whether I'm explaining this clearly, but it was an insight I had today so I wanted to record it in my LJ. Food for later thought, the next time somebody uses that phrase with me.
Definitely, I'm past that point in my life :-) My work responsibilities are roughly the same as four years ago, but when I only have to commute once or twice per week, these responsibilities take less time and cause less stress. Dax has passed -- a dog was a lot of responsibility! K has moved away, so I spend less time seeing him or keeping an eye on him. T is away at least half of the time, so I spend less time with him, cleaning up after him, or caring for his needs. Even having a gym in the basement makes it easier to keep my responsibility to my own health, easier than traveling to a gym in Silver Spring or DC.
My other relationships are low-key, ad hoc, etc. I'm not trying to run marathons anymore.
We still have two cats. I care for the house and keep an eye on the condo. But in general my responsibilities have declined since 2019. I'm past the peak, and do not intend to climb that mountain again.
-----
A younger guy on Reddit was interested in dating an older guy. The younger guy says they get along and have fun together on dates, but that the older guy isn't interested in taking the relationship in a more "serious" direction. The older guy's stated reason is that he doesn't "want to be a burden" on the younger guy. Meaning, older guy will have more health problems, will have less energy, so, hey, younger guy, enjoy your youth, don't tie yourself down to an older guy.
The younger guy wanted advice from others on Reddit, on how to help older guy get over this feeling of being burdensome, his guilt.
My take was different, perhaps colored by recently hearing DavidS say similar things to me during the four months we were dating. DavidS was the younger guy by two decades in my relationship, but he didn't want to be a financial burden on me by having me spend more on our activities than he did. He also didn't want to be a social burden on my family, such as by joining us for holiday activities. Or a social burden on my friends or relationships, such as by hanging out with Ben & me at MAL, or coming over to play board games with B & me on a Sunday afternoon. "I don't want to be a burden," was a common statement from him.
I remember mildly pushing back against these notions, that he would be a burden. But now, hearing about somebody else using this "burden" excuse, I more clearly realize what was going on.
When the older guy in the Reddit case, or when DavidS in my own case, spoke of not wanting to be a burden, they were engaged in a kind of "reaction formation" in which the emotions they stated were the opposite of the actual emotions they felt. No, it isn't that they don't want to be a burden. No, what's really going on is that they're feeling burdened by the other person's request for a more serious or inclusive relationship.
"I don't want to be a burden," is simply a more polite way of saying, "Don't burden me with this."
Perhaps not in every case, some people really are trying to be polite when they actually want you to do something with/for them. The difference can be subtle. But here's the difference --> when somebody is trying to be polite, if you insist then they'll cave because they really wanted to do this all along, they were just trying to be polite. When somebody actually feels the opposite, that your request would be a burden on them, they don't cave.
It's a weird bit of social insanity, that people use the same phrase, "I don't want to be a burden," when sometimes they actually want to be a burden, but they're first politely making sure you're OK with that, while other times they're using the phrase to cover up their own dislike for the activity. These are bizzarely different uses for the same phrase.
I'm not sure whether I'm explaining this clearly, but it was an insight I had today so I wanted to record it in my LJ. Food for later thought, the next time somebody uses that phrase with me.