Thursday
Wintry weather, frost on the ground this morning, wind chill of 30F -- I'm switching my run time to mid-afternoon today, have blocked my work calendar.
I have no plans this evening, but do have tentative plans for the entire weekend, so I was wondering whether I'll end up playing with toys tonight, heh. Going to the office tomorrow, and then probably picking up T from the train station afterward.
But I need to plan my LA work trip today, and if I do play with toys tonight I need to button up before midnight.
Another gentle prodding K made during my visit, sort of with respect to my toy habit -- that there are many other things I claim I'd like to do with my time, why don't I do more of them instead? Things like reading, writing, creating music, even gaming. These other things tend to come in bursts, it is difficult to force myself to do them, they're like a stochastic electron cloud orbiting my life. Even when I have time off I don't necessarily do more of them.
I think part of it is the chastity lifestyle, which began under K's influence so long ago, which made playing with toys even more rewarding for me then it had been before. Remaining generally chaste makes playing with my own body so much more fun. It also makes letting other people play with my body so much more fun. So I end up thinking --> between my day job, which is objectively demanding, and my juggling of several relationships, which is objectively demanding, and my toy habit, which is plainly fun --> there's not much time for a dedicated pursuit of these intellectual and creative interests.
There's also the idea that my media habit soaks up an enormous amount of my intellectual energy, that I could focus that energy elsewhere instead of keeping tabs on such varied things as politics, financial markets, climate change, history -- yeah, those four topics are collectively huge LOL.
On the other hand, am I happy with the course of my life?
I've had a few big goals for this year other than what I've mentioned above. (1) Adjusting to T's new job, which means most of the time I've got the house to myself. Most of the time I don't live with anybody. This has been a huge psychological adjustment during 2022. (2) Rebuilding a post-COVID social life, which has been a lot of work and at times emotionally draining. (3) Maintaining or even improving my exercise routines -- while getting better at avoiding injuries -- while returning to the fucking goddess-damned office two days per week.
I think I've made progress on all three of these fronts. But I haven't made much progress on the reading, writing, music, or even gaming fronts this year, other than writing more often in my LJ because I'm alone much more often.
I generally think I won't make significant progress on a creative goal while I still have a demanding day job. Because making significant progress on a creative goal is work, requiring discipline, and I already work much of my waking life.
But I take the prodding in good spirit -- often K plants seeds inside my soul that take years to sprout. And some of the seeds he's planted in the past have probably grown well beyond his intent or control. Such as my chastity lifestyle, that began under his watch, and then grew far beyond his intent or control.
I find myself surrounded by books I want to read, musical instruments I want to operate, games I want to play -- but I do not have only one interest in my life. And this has always been a problem -- it was a huge problem in completing my education and finding a career. For the first 34 years of my life I was never satisfied with my schooling or my employment. Then for more than another decade I wasn't satisfied with my position with my employer. Then as a supervisor, juggling the dichotomies between my ongoing relationships with T and K, I sought the help of a therapist.
Finally, I grew into my role as a supervisor, and figured out how to ask for what I needed from my relationships, and then the fucking pandemic hit LOL.
I think I may, right now, be generally happier with my life than I've been since that Golden Age, for me, of living with both T and K here in the house. But being happy with one's life can require a lot of work, and then a lot of play also. So, right now, I don't always have time for my more creative pursuits.
But I expect that I will after I retire. If I can actually retire.
I have no plans this evening, but do have tentative plans for the entire weekend, so I was wondering whether I'll end up playing with toys tonight, heh. Going to the office tomorrow, and then probably picking up T from the train station afterward.
But I need to plan my LA work trip today, and if I do play with toys tonight I need to button up before midnight.
Another gentle prodding K made during my visit, sort of with respect to my toy habit -- that there are many other things I claim I'd like to do with my time, why don't I do more of them instead? Things like reading, writing, creating music, even gaming. These other things tend to come in bursts, it is difficult to force myself to do them, they're like a stochastic electron cloud orbiting my life. Even when I have time off I don't necessarily do more of them.
I think part of it is the chastity lifestyle, which began under K's influence so long ago, which made playing with toys even more rewarding for me then it had been before. Remaining generally chaste makes playing with my own body so much more fun. It also makes letting other people play with my body so much more fun. So I end up thinking --> between my day job, which is objectively demanding, and my juggling of several relationships, which is objectively demanding, and my toy habit, which is plainly fun --> there's not much time for a dedicated pursuit of these intellectual and creative interests.
There's also the idea that my media habit soaks up an enormous amount of my intellectual energy, that I could focus that energy elsewhere instead of keeping tabs on such varied things as politics, financial markets, climate change, history -- yeah, those four topics are collectively huge LOL.
On the other hand, am I happy with the course of my life?
I've had a few big goals for this year other than what I've mentioned above. (1) Adjusting to T's new job, which means most of the time I've got the house to myself. Most of the time I don't live with anybody. This has been a huge psychological adjustment during 2022. (2) Rebuilding a post-COVID social life, which has been a lot of work and at times emotionally draining. (3) Maintaining or even improving my exercise routines -- while getting better at avoiding injuries -- while returning to the fucking goddess-damned office two days per week.
I think I've made progress on all three of these fronts. But I haven't made much progress on the reading, writing, music, or even gaming fronts this year, other than writing more often in my LJ because I'm alone much more often.
I generally think I won't make significant progress on a creative goal while I still have a demanding day job. Because making significant progress on a creative goal is work, requiring discipline, and I already work much of my waking life.
But I take the prodding in good spirit -- often K plants seeds inside my soul that take years to sprout. And some of the seeds he's planted in the past have probably grown well beyond his intent or control. Such as my chastity lifestyle, that began under his watch, and then grew far beyond his intent or control.
I find myself surrounded by books I want to read, musical instruments I want to operate, games I want to play -- but I do not have only one interest in my life. And this has always been a problem -- it was a huge problem in completing my education and finding a career. For the first 34 years of my life I was never satisfied with my schooling or my employment. Then for more than another decade I wasn't satisfied with my position with my employer. Then as a supervisor, juggling the dichotomies between my ongoing relationships with T and K, I sought the help of a therapist.
Finally, I grew into my role as a supervisor, and figured out how to ask for what I needed from my relationships, and then the fucking pandemic hit LOL.
I think I may, right now, be generally happier with my life than I've been since that Golden Age, for me, of living with both T and K here in the house. But being happy with one's life can require a lot of work, and then a lot of play also. So, right now, I don't always have time for my more creative pursuits.
But I expect that I will after I retire. If I can actually retire.