What does "single" even mean anymore
Lunch break post, then I'm going running -- it's finally not sleeting or drizzling or something outside.
A popular Reddit post on the poly subreddit asked how do poly people answer the question, "Are you single?"
Most people focused on a different paradigm, "Are you available?" Because you could have a partner but still be available.
I thought about my own life, and how last year at this time I would've said I'm "functionally single" because although my life composed of a certain romantic and sexual density, there was no person who would really qualify as a "partner" the way either mono or poly people use that term. I've thought about calling T my "asexual nesting partner" but even that might be an exaggeration, given that he happily spends way more time playing video games than interacting with me, and that we've totally failed at setting up a joint household budget that he can adhere to. In what way are we "partners" anymore? We both completely ignored our recent anniversary.
Anyway. Quarantine plus K moving away have me thinking I'm even more "functionally single" than I was a year ago, except I'm not "available" either, because of Quarantine.
But then I posted something like the following -- as a relationship anarchist, the question makes no sense, it's not about whether I'm single or even whether I'm available. The only viable question is much more specific and concrete: "Are you available to do [activity] on [day] at [time]?"
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What do you want us to do together, and when? If you and I don't already have a pattern of behavior together, or any negotiated rules of engagement, then this is your only opening question. Asking me whether I'm "single" or even "available" tells me you're not thinking about any sort of reality with me, instead you're lost inside your own head, wondering whether this person Bug who you don't know well yet, would somehow be able to play a role in your relationship fantasy. The answer to that is almost certainly "no". I'm not single, I'm not available. Go away. But would you like to get together for a movie and fisting next Tuesday? I could also do it Friday. Oh, you'd like a gym buddy? Sure, we've got a gym in the basement, what kind of workouts do you like and on what schedule?
Even if I were living alone and had much more flexibility in my life than I do now, I don't think I'd be looking for a "partner". But if we enjoyed that movie and fisting date last week, why don't we have another one next week? Do you like board games also? Let's get together with friends to play board games. Are you worn out and need a massage? Why don't I come over and give you one? Had a difficult day at work and need to vent? Sure, text me, call me.
And maybe after six months you'd ask, "So what do we have here, is this a relationship?" And I'd say, "Sure, I care about you, we spend a lot of time together, I'd miss you if you disappeared." And so we ended up with a relationship of sorts. But are we "partners"? I don't know. What does that word mean to you?
Even if I get a crush on somebody, which I certainly will, and he returns the crush, then -- we're having mutual crushes on each other. That's fun, let's have fun!
At this age and stage in my life, I'm pretty much finished with all the abstractions and labels. Do you want to hang out? Did you enjoy that, do you want to hang out again? We sure do hang out a lot. Would we be better off living together or is it fine just hanging out a lot?
It's gonna happen organically and via mutual enjoyment, or not at all. And it has nothing to do with whether I'm single or not. Or available or not. Can our lives find a way to intersect?
A popular Reddit post on the poly subreddit asked how do poly people answer the question, "Are you single?"
Most people focused on a different paradigm, "Are you available?" Because you could have a partner but still be available.
I thought about my own life, and how last year at this time I would've said I'm "functionally single" because although my life composed of a certain romantic and sexual density, there was no person who would really qualify as a "partner" the way either mono or poly people use that term. I've thought about calling T my "asexual nesting partner" but even that might be an exaggeration, given that he happily spends way more time playing video games than interacting with me, and that we've totally failed at setting up a joint household budget that he can adhere to. In what way are we "partners" anymore? We both completely ignored our recent anniversary.
Anyway. Quarantine plus K moving away have me thinking I'm even more "functionally single" than I was a year ago, except I'm not "available" either, because of Quarantine.
But then I posted something like the following -- as a relationship anarchist, the question makes no sense, it's not about whether I'm single or even whether I'm available. The only viable question is much more specific and concrete: "Are you available to do [activity] on [day] at [time]?"
-----
What do you want us to do together, and when? If you and I don't already have a pattern of behavior together, or any negotiated rules of engagement, then this is your only opening question. Asking me whether I'm "single" or even "available" tells me you're not thinking about any sort of reality with me, instead you're lost inside your own head, wondering whether this person Bug who you don't know well yet, would somehow be able to play a role in your relationship fantasy. The answer to that is almost certainly "no". I'm not single, I'm not available. Go away. But would you like to get together for a movie and fisting next Tuesday? I could also do it Friday. Oh, you'd like a gym buddy? Sure, we've got a gym in the basement, what kind of workouts do you like and on what schedule?
Even if I were living alone and had much more flexibility in my life than I do now, I don't think I'd be looking for a "partner". But if we enjoyed that movie and fisting date last week, why don't we have another one next week? Do you like board games also? Let's get together with friends to play board games. Are you worn out and need a massage? Why don't I come over and give you one? Had a difficult day at work and need to vent? Sure, text me, call me.
And maybe after six months you'd ask, "So what do we have here, is this a relationship?" And I'd say, "Sure, I care about you, we spend a lot of time together, I'd miss you if you disappeared." And so we ended up with a relationship of sorts. But are we "partners"? I don't know. What does that word mean to you?
Even if I get a crush on somebody, which I certainly will, and he returns the crush, then -- we're having mutual crushes on each other. That's fun, let's have fun!
At this age and stage in my life, I'm pretty much finished with all the abstractions and labels. Do you want to hang out? Did you enjoy that, do you want to hang out again? We sure do hang out a lot. Would we be better off living together or is it fine just hanging out a lot?
It's gonna happen organically and via mutual enjoyment, or not at all. And it has nothing to do with whether I'm single or not. Or available or not. Can our lives find a way to intersect?