Anxiety
That's the next layer, or the final layer, yeah, meditation v. anxiety, meditation forces me to face my anxiety and I haven't wanted to face my anxiety, my anxieties, plural, infinite,
that was always the worst part of meditation, it shows me what I'm anxious about,
showing me my anxiety, anxieties, I remember that afternoon on the Metro, facing my anxieties, meditation is a punch in the face, I felt,
facing the anxieties, it's the feeling I most fear, it's the doom loop, anxieties about anxieties, the recursive emotion, the panic attack,
WTF even is anxiety?
it's my body revving up for fight or flight,
why does my body revving up scare me? [it's fear of loss]
why am I scared of my own body? living in my body?
why am I scared of fighting?
scared of conflict, scared of losing [it's fear of loss]
this is real-time, real-time journaling, I'm forcing myself to have a panic attack,
I took out the bottle of muscle relaxers that I always have with me,
and I took out the two pills that would silence this attack,
and I did not swallow them,
they are sitting on the counter,
-----
pills were my defense against feeling my feelings,
I weaned myself off the pills one by one,
but I still have these pills with me wherever I go,
the backpack of essential needs,
everything I need is in this backpack, my medication, my keys, my documents,
my folder of documents,
this folder, this backpack, these things are always with me
the pills are sitting on the counter,
the pills
the pills are my defense against feeling my feelings, and they are sitting on the counter, I did not swallow them
that was always the worst part of meditation, it shows me what I'm anxious about,
showing me my anxiety, anxieties, I remember that afternoon on the Metro, facing my anxieties, meditation is a punch in the face, I felt,
facing the anxieties, it's the feeling I most fear, it's the doom loop, anxieties about anxieties, the recursive emotion, the panic attack,
WTF even is anxiety?
it's my body revving up for fight or flight,
why does my body revving up scare me? [it's fear of loss]
why am I scared of my own body? living in my body?
why am I scared of fighting?
scared of conflict, scared of losing [it's fear of loss]
this is real-time, real-time journaling, I'm forcing myself to have a panic attack,
I took out the bottle of muscle relaxers that I always have with me,
and I took out the two pills that would silence this attack,
and I did not swallow them,
they are sitting on the counter,
-----
pills were my defense against feeling my feelings,
I weaned myself off the pills one by one,
but I still have these pills with me wherever I go,
the backpack of essential needs,
everything I need is in this backpack, my medication, my keys, my documents,
my folder of documents,
this folder, this backpack, these things are always with me
the pills are sitting on the counter,
the pills
the pills are my defense against feeling my feelings, and they are sitting on the counter, I did not swallow them