Just do it?
I didn't understand it when I was younger, how some guys turned into "Bug Chasers" -- they fetishized barebacking as a way to catch HIV -- on purpose.
But, I'm much older now, and in the midst of this Quarantine, I can understand better the impulse to rebel against it all, to express your personal power in the face of death, to tease death, to scream "Fuck You!" to death. I'm still alive, fuck you, I'm still alive. I can do what I want. Don't say "no" to me.
Just do it. Just do it. Just let that stranger fuck your ass without a condom. Because it feels good. And because you want him too. And fuck everything. Fuck me out of my fucking mind. Yes! YES!!
But I also know how horrible it was for fellas to die of AIDS. I don't know whether it was worth it, the moments of ecstasy, against the horrible illnesses that followed. They made their choices. And died with them.
-----
Lots of us want to just do it, today, we want to ... go back to normal ... whatever that was for us. And maybe for you it is worth it, AIDS had a death rate of nearly 100%, but this virus -- far far less than that. Unless you're in a nursing home, those people are fucked.
But, for the rest of us, enough of a death rate to plunge the entire world into a Pandemic Depression like no living person has ever seen. Yet, far far less. But, enough.
32 million people have died from HIV/AIDS.
I don't know yet whether COVID-19 will kill more, or fewer. But the way we get COVID-19 is far more promiscuous, which has shut down the globe. Condoms will not save you.
-----
I realized the other morning, that I'm not in control of any of this.
My attempts to model things, with statistics and spreadsheets, can make me feel like I'm in charge in some way. I can see the future! Sometimes.
But seeing the future is not anything like controlling the future.
It feels like it. But it isn't.
I'm not in control.
My OCD is so into control :-) But then, as a BDSM sub, I want to submit. But, even as a sub, I'm particular about to whom I submit, and how. I bottom up pretty hard.
But that's normal. BDSM is a power exchange. At least, for somebody like me, who actually has power to exchange.
For most of human history, most people didn't have power, and BDSM was simply rape and torture.
-----
Where am I going with this?
Control is an illusion, yeah yeah. Submitting to reality is the only way to keep on living, if you're lucky.
But now that I'm older, I understand rebellion a bit more. Not enough to actually do it. But I understand. Shortening your life so you can do whatever you want to do.
If I hadn't seen so many people, do that, horribly, maybe I'd do it also.
Rebel.
-----
The hierarchy isn't in charge, it is merely the instrument of reality. Reality is in charge. Reality is the hierarchy.
The mass of the universe, measured in terms of ordinary matter, is 1.5×10^53 kg.
You cannot possibly be in charge of all that matter.
It is in charge of you.
You can eat OCD for breakfast, but that doesn't mean you're in charge. No human is in charge.
Life on earth has been evolving for 4 billion years, and one day it spit you out, the product of 4 billion years of evolution.
The past is in charge. 4 billions years of the past is in charge. You're just ... playing along with the past.
May as well, play more. Play more. Play more.
But, I'm much older now, and in the midst of this Quarantine, I can understand better the impulse to rebel against it all, to express your personal power in the face of death, to tease death, to scream "Fuck You!" to death. I'm still alive, fuck you, I'm still alive. I can do what I want. Don't say "no" to me.
Just do it. Just do it. Just let that stranger fuck your ass without a condom. Because it feels good. And because you want him too. And fuck everything. Fuck me out of my fucking mind. Yes! YES!!
But I also know how horrible it was for fellas to die of AIDS. I don't know whether it was worth it, the moments of ecstasy, against the horrible illnesses that followed. They made their choices. And died with them.
-----
Lots of us want to just do it, today, we want to ... go back to normal ... whatever that was for us. And maybe for you it is worth it, AIDS had a death rate of nearly 100%, but this virus -- far far less than that. Unless you're in a nursing home, those people are fucked.
But, for the rest of us, enough of a death rate to plunge the entire world into a Pandemic Depression like no living person has ever seen. Yet, far far less. But, enough.
32 million people have died from HIV/AIDS.
I don't know yet whether COVID-19 will kill more, or fewer. But the way we get COVID-19 is far more promiscuous, which has shut down the globe. Condoms will not save you.
-----
I realized the other morning, that I'm not in control of any of this.
My attempts to model things, with statistics and spreadsheets, can make me feel like I'm in charge in some way. I can see the future! Sometimes.
But seeing the future is not anything like controlling the future.
It feels like it. But it isn't.
I'm not in control.
My OCD is so into control :-) But then, as a BDSM sub, I want to submit. But, even as a sub, I'm particular about to whom I submit, and how. I bottom up pretty hard.
But that's normal. BDSM is a power exchange. At least, for somebody like me, who actually has power to exchange.
For most of human history, most people didn't have power, and BDSM was simply rape and torture.
-----
Where am I going with this?
Control is an illusion, yeah yeah. Submitting to reality is the only way to keep on living, if you're lucky.
But now that I'm older, I understand rebellion a bit more. Not enough to actually do it. But I understand. Shortening your life so you can do whatever you want to do.
If I hadn't seen so many people, do that, horribly, maybe I'd do it also.
Rebel.
-----
The hierarchy isn't in charge, it is merely the instrument of reality. Reality is in charge. Reality is the hierarchy.
The mass of the universe, measured in terms of ordinary matter, is 1.5×10^53 kg.
You cannot possibly be in charge of all that matter.
It is in charge of you.
You can eat OCD for breakfast, but that doesn't mean you're in charge. No human is in charge.
Life on earth has been evolving for 4 billion years, and one day it spit you out, the product of 4 billion years of evolution.
The past is in charge. 4 billions years of the past is in charge. You're just ... playing along with the past.
May as well, play more. Play more. Play more.