Rat a tat tat tat HEY.
If my heart is a grenade
You pull the pin and say:
We're all fighting growing old
We're all fighting growing old
In the hopes of a few minutes more
To get, get on St. Peter's list
But you need to lower your standards
Cause it's never getting any better than this
It took me all night to think of the right words, and in the end I came to the conclusion that there are none. I can't remember a time I wasn't suffering from depression, a time I didn't have anxiety creeping on me, negativity following me around like my shadow. I can't remember a time I was not wary of good times, knowing that somewhere, somehow, there must be something that will go wrong and punch me off my high horse, because how dare I letting my guard down in front of others, or god forbid, myself. Locking myself up behind iron bars of aggression and sarcasm was way easier than risking getting hurt, realising too late that this isolation just further fed the demons called mental disorder.
But this is not going to be another emo post. This is a scream of liberty, from the top of my lungs and out the window. For the first time in what seems forever, I think I've found my place.
I should probably mentally apologise to my boss at the game store. A lot has happened between the talk with my coworker Gianpiero on Monday and yesterday's shift. To make it all short, Gianpiero handed in a sick note. Gianpiero got fired. Tuesday I was told I will get his position starting next month already. Yesterday he asked me if he even told me what happened, and I answered that I already know the gist of it from Gianpiero himself. A lot of the things I've been told were apparently lies though, and the situation was completely different. My boss said after all this he doesn't regret letting him go and giving me the job instead, because he got the feeling that I am a better teamplayer, and although Gianpiero was a good worker and a specialist regarding mobile phones and computers, he is really confident that I will do a good job replacing him after some intense training and learning-by-doing and just simple experience in the store.
On top of that, I have an interview on Wednesday for another little job at a counselling centre for families, as an office help. Out of 45 applicants they invited 16 last week for an entrance test to weed out the ones best at orthography and logic, which I aced (inb4 nobody is surprised). So I made it into the top 5 they actually want to get to know better. That job would be only 10 hours a week, split up into three mornings, which is ideal to combine with 20 to 25 hours at the game store, since I would mainly cover shifts in the afternoons there.
I told that my boss so he already knows that I probably will be busy in the mornings, and he said it's going to be okay, it might just be more difficult if he actually needs me full-time. Tried to explain to him that I never wanted to work more than 30 hours a week anyway, due to anxiety and depression, and that this job in retail is sort of a rehab for me to get used to customer interaction again. He looked at me like he realised I'm an extraterrestrial, but to my surprise just said: "Oh god you didn't tell me? Are you okay in here?" Told him yeah, since there's a difference between people yelling at me on the phone all day or some kids asking for manga and video games. He apologised for the comment about me being sweaty, and said if I get nervous or a customer interaction is too much, I can just tell him and do some work in the office or storage to calm down again. So there it is. He knows now, and he understands. I am really relieved that sometimes opening up to people is met with positive reactions. That makes it easier and easier to not bottle up everything until I cry out of the blue for five hours straight... rehab indeed.
Some people might remember that I always dreamt of working in something like Game Stop, in a small team, with fellow nerds and gamers and chill customers. Getting this job is like that old dream coming true. I am not heartbroken about not finding an IT job anymore, because working with phones and computers in there is close enough, and I can always decide to study again a few years down the road.
Part of me is still thinking "What if I blow this?", but I just need to get over that. I won't blow this. I will hold on to this job, to this feeling.
I will hold on to this happiness.