(no subject)
I should probably be sleeping right now, curled up with my pillow boyfriend, listening to the fan and wondering if there is a spider loitering in my bed.
I haven't been writing enough lately. I haven't been anything enough lately, to tell the truth. I took Xanax twice last week, two days in a row. I can see why it's addictive. It makes my mind soft and fluid but it also makes me dull and quiet, inward and slow. It takes away my anxiety but it also kills my hyper, happy, quirky self. Where is the proper trade-off? Why can't I have both an anxiety free life and a Jessi filled life where I am truly IN THE MOMENT that I try so hard to find as often as possible and when I have it - oh gods, everyone knows it. They see the change and they fucking LOVE IT. That's the Jessi I want and need to be as often as possible and yet why do I have to fight so hard to do it? This is what is going to stop me from making my dreams come true, this is what is going to make me a pill popper, this is what is going to bend my fingers backward, one over the other.
I need to find a character, a person, someone of pure confidence but of the kind that I adore and of the kind that I possess when I am who I really am. The hunt begins!
I haven't been writing enough lately. I haven't been anything enough lately, to tell the truth. I took Xanax twice last week, two days in a row. I can see why it's addictive. It makes my mind soft and fluid but it also makes me dull and quiet, inward and slow. It takes away my anxiety but it also kills my hyper, happy, quirky self. Where is the proper trade-off? Why can't I have both an anxiety free life and a Jessi filled life where I am truly IN THE MOMENT that I try so hard to find as often as possible and when I have it - oh gods, everyone knows it. They see the change and they fucking LOVE IT. That's the Jessi I want and need to be as often as possible and yet why do I have to fight so hard to do it? This is what is going to stop me from making my dreams come true, this is what is going to make me a pill popper, this is what is going to bend my fingers backward, one over the other.
I need to find a character, a person, someone of pure confidence but of the kind that I adore and of the kind that I possess when I am who I really am. The hunt begins!