(no subject)
Okay first of all, I want to apologise for how long this took. I would never forgive a writer I followed if she disappeared for 9 months and then returned with this bunch of crap. That being said, I owe the world to cynicalxcharm for pushing me to finish this, because if she hadn't, I would have let real life take over and abandoned writing forever, or something just as melodramatic.
This was a very difficult chapter for me personally, I wrote three different versions and hated all of them. This one sucked the least.
Title: Chasing Freedom, Chapter 11, Siwon/Eunhyuk, Zhoumi/Eunhyuk
Length: 3119 words
Author: shieldkitten
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Hyukjae convalesces after an extended illness, and his visitors aren't much help with that.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11
Hyukjae lay in a dreamlike state, shivering, his mind burning with fever. There were times he thought it must be that the ship was on fire, that he had been left for dead, a burning effigy of a sailor, and times he thought the incessant sunlight had seeped into his head, behind his eyes so it hurt to see, under his fingers so it hurt to touch. It hurt to breathe, even - each inhale was a struggle, and at times he cried from the effort of it.
He was not well, and he knew it, though at times his nightmarish dreams seemed more of a reality. There were men after his money, his portion of his father's fortune, and they forced poisonous concoctions on him to bend his will to theirs and keep him from his family. He tried to rail at them, tried to plead with them as much as his laboured breathing could allow, but it was all to no avail.
Once, he thought he saw Donghae, hiding by the open door, only four years old but already so inquisitive he wasn't allowed to be left on his own. Hyukjae called out to him, but he did not come. Instead, one of the men shooed him away and shut the door.
"I'm dying," he said one day, in a moment of clarity. The light in the room had dimmed, almost as if the day was finally giving way to approaching night, but Hyukjae knew it was because death was drawing near.
"No, you aren't," said a familiar voice in reply, and Hyukjae closed his eyes, comforted.
He slept, and dreamed of home. There was a feast on the dining table, all his favourite dishes. His father sat at the head of the table, as always, and Sungmin to his right. Donghae beckoned to him to take the seat between him and Junsu.
"I can't," Hyukjae said, feeling around behind him for the doorknob. "I have a ship to catch."
He woke up crying, his face pressed into his damp pillow.
Lucidity returned slowly, marked first by an acute awareness of thirst, and then hunger. He was not alone when his fever broke - Siwon sat by his bed, a handkerchief tied over his nose. He seemed startled by Hyukjae's awakening, for he rose half from his seat, pulling self-consciously at the handkerchief that obscured his haggard face, and even in his weakened state Hyukjae could see that Siwon was worried. He tried to reassure him, but he seemed to have mislaid his voice. Attempting to clear his throat only brought forth a violent coughing fit he could not control.
"Drink this, Mr. Lee."
Hyukjae felt the captain slide his hand beneath the nape of his neck for support as he pressed the rim of a cup to his lips. The liquid smelt foul, and tasted worse, but Siwon would not let him turn his head till he had drank to the last drop.
"You should sleep," Siwon said, releasing Hyukjae and pulling the disheveled quilt up over his shoulders.
"I've slept for days," Hyukjae murmured, reluctant to return to his muddled dreams. He watched Siwon's lips move, but he heard nothing, and soon he was asleep again.
It was Zhoumi who greeted him upon his next awakening, with that wide smile to which Hyukjae had grown so accustomed. He was glad to see him, though he could not help but feel a pinch of disappointment that it was not someone else.
"Just in time for your medicine," Zhoumi said cheerfully as he helped Hyukjae to sit propped up against his pillows. If he had noticed Hyukjae's disappointment, he did not show it.
"I've been ill," Hyukjae said, surprised at how weak he felt.
"Have you? I hadn't noticed." Zhoumi picked up a bowl from the side table and gave its contents a slow stir. "I'm under strict orders to make you finish every drop, but I warn you, you won't like it."
"I remember," Hyukjae said, screwing up his nose. "It tastes foul. What is it made of?"
"Mysterious substances," Zhoumi answered, holding up a spoonful and sniffing it carefully. "Pulled from Hangeng's mysterious bag of mysterious herbs. Shindong says his kitchen will never smell the same. Open up."
Hyukjae opened up and immediately regretted his obedience. His nightmares had clearly failed to furnish him with an accurate recollection of just how awful the tonic tasted. Nevertheless, with some skilful prodding from Zhoumi, he managed to down the entire bowl.
"It's terrible," Hyukjae coughed, making a face as Zhoumi set the bowl aside. "Has Hangeng ever tasted it? Does he realise how terrible it is?"
Zhoumi laughed, leaning back in his chair and propping his feet up on Hyukjae's bed. "That's certainly an improvement."
"An improvement on what?" Hyukjae asked, not quite recovered from the aftertaste of his medicine. He tried to scrape his tongue against the edges of his teeth.
"You used to carry on quite a bit more when we had to force the medicine on you. I recall some choice words even I would blush before using. I had no idea you were such a deviant, Eunhyuk."
Hyukjae turned pink. "I can't possibly be held accountable for my words. I was ill at the time."
"You certainly were." Hyukjae had never known Zhoumi to turn so solemn so quickly. He fidgeted with his quilt, picking at a loose thread. Had he really come so close to death?
"How long was I ill?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.
"Six weeks and change."
Hyukjae's eyes widened before he realised that this must be another of Zhoumi's tricks. "That's impossible! It can only have been a week, at the most."
"Look out the window," Zhoumi said, jerking his head in the direction of the cabin windows. Hyukjae turned, and at first he couldn't think what it was that Zhoumi meant him to see, until it struck him - it was night, starlit, moonlit night.
"We've left the Arctic Circle?" he asked, reeling from the realisation that he had been ill for so long and lost so much time.
"It was a difficult journey," Zhoumi said, with a faraway look in his eyes. "Harrowing, one might say."
"What happened?" Hyukjae asked anxiously, startled by this new side of Zhoumi he had never seen before.
"Winter came upon us, and the ship was mired in ice. We had no choice but to attempt to cross over land."
"Over land? But the ship?" Hyukjae glanced about him, half expecting to find that he wasn't in his own cabin.
"We had to cut down swaths of trees to roll the ship across land. Which, of course, is when we met the native cannibals."
"Cannibals," Hyukjae echoed faintly, mind reeling with images of blood thirsty men.
"We had to give them all the game we managed to hunt and one of our women before they would let us leave."
"But the captain would never-"
"And once we got back out to sea, there was that bit of bother with a giant squid."
Hyukjae's splutters of disbelief ground to an abrupt halt, and he finally noticed the gleam in Zhoumi's eyes.
"You would lie to a sick man!" he cried, throwing a pillow at Zhoumi.
"Not that sick," Zhoumi chuckled, catching the pillow easily.
"Out!" Hyukjae pushed Zhoumi's feet off of the bed. "You despicable man, out!"
"Don't exert yourself too much," Zhoumi laughed. "You're a little sick, still. You know, you would have believed me four months ago."
"Perhaps the naïve part of me has died of pneumonia," Hyukjae said, still a little angry.
"I am glad the rest of you didn't," Zhoumi said, giving Hyukjae's hands a squeeze. For a moment he was solemn again, almost pensive, but then he smiled and let Hyukjae's hands drop. "Well, all's well that ends well. I have to return to my duties. I'll be by to visit you every so often, and I'll give you another one of those very enjoyable sponge baths, if you like."
"Sponge baths?" Hyukjae nearly choked on the words.
"Well, I enjoyed them," Zhoumi winked, and vanished.
There were those that marvelled at Hyukjae's speedy recovery after his fever broke, but in truth Hyukjae thought it could be attributed to how often his visitors decided to take their meals by his bed. By his third day of consciousness, he had had quite enough of eating porridge and boiled oats while the others enjoyed what seemed to him to be the most fragrant morsels of fish and dried meat he had ever encountered.
"I knew you were just putting on an act," Henry sniffed, watching Hyukjae devour the dinner he had brought him. "A ship of forty and you, the only one to catch pneumonia? There are easier ways to shirk your duties, you know. I could teach you some."
"I wasn't ill on purpose," Hyukjae protested, peering past Henry only to see an empty hallway.
"Of course you weren't," Henry sniffed, setting the tray down on Hyukjae's lap. "You just happened to be out of commission for the most difficult part of our journey, and now you get to have your dinner brought to your bed. I should catch pneumonia more often."
"You shouldn't joke about such things, Henry," Hyukjae said, frowning up at the young man. "I'm sure the captain would be most distressed if you fell ill."
Henry sniffed again, but he pulled up a chair and sat by Hyukjae's bed, swiping forkfuls of his food. "I'd get special food, too."
"What is it?" Hyukjae asked, spooning at the springy white meat. It did not smell suspicious, and tasted delicious when he took a bite.
"Squid."
Hyukjae coughed, and would have upset his dinner tray if Henry had not acted quickly to rescue it.
"Careful," he said, setting the tray down on the bedside table. "Do you want some water?"
Hyukjae nodded, trying to swallow the tickle in his throat. He was anxious to avoid another bowl of Hangeng's remedy. Clearing his throat, he took the glass of water Henry offered him, only to choke most alarmingly when he could not suppress a cough in time. Henry shot to his feet and was off down the hallway before Hyukjae could stop him.
His coughing had subsided by the time Hangeng came running into his cabin, flushed and wet from the rain that had just begun to pour, Henry at his heels.
"Are you all right?" Hangeng asked, pressing his palm against Hyukjae's forehead, testing his temperature. His hand was damp and cold.
"I'm fine. I choked on my food, nothing more."
Hangeng looked about as disapproving as Hyukjae had ever seen him look. "Perhaps you aren't ready for solid food."
"I am!" Hyukjae protested. "It was just that I recalled something Zhoumi said. Another of his jokes at my expense."
Henry chuckled behind Hangeng. "He only tricks the gullible."
"Haven't you ever fallen for one of his tales?"
"Only once," Henry grinned. "Something about a rite of initiation."
"Ah." Hyukjae felt his cheeks burning. "That."
"What rite of initiation?" Hangeng asked, glancing at Henry. Hyukjae averted his eyes, quite unwilling to relive the embarrassment of having fallen for that trick, and for a moment he thought he saw movement by the corner of his open door.
"Captain?" he called out before he had time to think, almost certain it was Siwon by the colour of his coat. Hangeng and Henry turned at his call, and to his surprise, Henry darted out to the corridor.
"Captain!" Henry crowed with ill-disguised delight. "So it's you indeed! I thought perhaps our Hyukjae was suffering from delusional fantasies again. Won't you come in for a visit?"
Hyukjae found himself holding his breath as Siwon came around the door. The captain had lost weight, and the rainwater that had soaked his clothes made them cling to his skin, only serving to emphasise his leanness. There were dark circles under his eyes, framed by the wet locks of his hair. It had been six weeks, yes, and they had not been easy weeks for Siwon either.
Hangeng rose to his feet and pulled a towel from the rack by Hyukjae's washbasin. "Captain," he said, offering it to Siwon.
"Yes, do stay with the invalid," Henry said, brazenly pushing Siwon into the chair and tossing the towel onto his lap. "Hangeng and I will be off. There are duties to be done and errands to be... erred."
"Keep an eye on his temperature," Hangeng told Siwon. "Don't let him overexert himself."
"You heard him, Captain," Henry said, with a twinkle in his eyes most reminiscent of the one perpetually in Zhoumi's. "Don't partake in anything too strenuous."
Hyukjae sipped at his drink, hardly able to bear the awkward silence that descended upon them with Hangeng and Henry's departure. He looked out the window, at the overcast sky. Lightning flashed, accompanied by a loud peal of thunder that made Hyukjae flinch. He glanced at Siwon, afraid that Siwon had seen his moment of cowardice, and was mortified to find that Siwon had.
"You look well," Siwon said, all polite courtesy, as always.
"Thank you," Hyukjae murmured. His bit his lip, and, floundering for something to say, added, "you seem haggard." He cursed himself, and half wished himself back in that state of blissful coma.
"I mean to say, that is," he stumbled on before Siwon could form some sort of response. "It must have been grueling, navigating the Arctic Circle, and I was an extra burden in that time, for which I am most sorry."
"No, Mr. Lee, I am most sorry." Siwon's voice was so soft, so desperately sincere that Hyukjae fell silent, speechless. Siwon covered his face with his hand, but through the gaps of his fingers, Hyukjae could see the anguish in his face, the self-reproach. "If I had not been so soft-hearted, if I had only stood firm in my decision, we would never have made that excursion on land, you would never have fallen into that lake, never have come so close to--"
Another peal of thunder sounded, loud enough to interrupt him, and the captain seemed shaken, for a moment. He surged to his feet, pacing the length of the room before coming to a stop before the door. Hyukjae, his mind reeling from the realisation that Siwon blamed himself for his illness, watched the curve of Siwon's shoulders straighten into a rigid line.
"Again, I apologise," Siwon said, turning around, his mouth set as if determined not to display his sadness. "My emotions seem to have gotten the better of me."
"Captain," Hyukjae put every feeling into that word, "I do not blame you. I persuaded you to let us go ashore, I insisted on helping when I knew full well that with my sort of ill fortune I was bound to fall or break a bone or even drown. It is my own fault that I fell ill, and I do not blame you. So much less should you blame yourself."
The change in Siwon was so subtle, but it was there in the way he appeared to stand taller, more sanguine. "I do not think I am entirely faultless," he said, taking a seat again, his knees pressed against Hyukjae's bed. "But I am glad that you do not blame me."
"I hope that I... That this is not the reason you have been losing sleep," Hyukjae said, indicating the dark circles under Siwon's eyes. Siwon smiled.
"I sleep better these days," he said, a hand upon the edge of Hyukjae's quilt. Finding himself hardly able to concentrate on anything but the short space between his hand and Siwon's hand, Hyukjae nodded, eyes fixed on the blunt edges of Siwon's fingernails.
"I do, too," he said. "The nightmares have ceased."
"I am glad." Siwon curled his fingers under his palm. "You called out the names of your brothers often in your sleep."
"I dreamt of home." Hyukjae mirrored Siwon's action, and slid his hands under the sheets.
"I thought as much. Mr. Lee, are you aware of our current location?"
Hyukjae shook his head. "Zhoumi only said that we have left the Arctic Circle."
"Yes, and we have crossed the Catherine Archipelago. There are just two weeks remaining in our journey to China, but I have called a halt."
"A halt? Why?"
There was no mistaking the neutrality of Siwon's tone as he answered. "Because there is an alternate route we might take from here. One that would allow you to return to America, if you wished."
"But why would I wish to return to America?" Hyukjae asked, thoroughly confused. Was he in need of a physician? Were there none to be found in China?
"I thought perhaps you wished to be reunited with your family."
In his mind Hyukjae saw himself returning home, alighting from a carriage only to be knocked into the dust by Donghae's overzealous welcome. Junsu would be there, full of lewd questions about seamen, and Eeteuk might click his tongue with disapproval, if he had not already found alternative employment. His mother might even spare him a hug. And Sungmin...
"I wish it," he admitted softly, because in his deepest heart it was the truth.
"Then I will give the order," Siwon said, getting to his feet. "And you can look forward to returning home."
"Captain, wait." Hyukjae held out his hand, making an effort to organise the thoughts in his head. "I miss my family, my friends, and if by some miracle you could contrive a reunion I would consider myself blessed. But Boston is no longer my home. I think I said it once before, at the beginning of our journey, when I was desperate to escape an unhappy marriage and chasing some abstract idea of freedom. I did not mean it then, but I do mean it now. This ship, Captain, this ship is my home, and this crew is my family. You have taken me in, taught me to stand on my own, and you have even nursed me back to health. You did not abandon me, how could I abandon you?"
"Mr. Lee." Siwon's voice had taken on a new timbre, a different quality, and there was a look in his eyes as he sat on the bed that made Hyukjae's breath quicken. Unconsciously, he leaned in toward the captain, so intent was he upon that look. He had seen it before, but never this close, and never at this intensity.
"Eunhyuk," Siwon breathed, and as thunder crashed and lightning slashed the sky, he dipped his head and caught Hyukjae's lips in a kiss.
This was a very difficult chapter for me personally, I wrote three different versions and hated all of them. This one sucked the least.
Title: Chasing Freedom, Chapter 11, Siwon/Eunhyuk, Zhoumi/Eunhyuk
Length: 3119 words
Author: shieldkitten
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Hyukjae convalesces after an extended illness, and his visitors aren't much help with that.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11
Hyukjae lay in a dreamlike state, shivering, his mind burning with fever. There were times he thought it must be that the ship was on fire, that he had been left for dead, a burning effigy of a sailor, and times he thought the incessant sunlight had seeped into his head, behind his eyes so it hurt to see, under his fingers so it hurt to touch. It hurt to breathe, even - each inhale was a struggle, and at times he cried from the effort of it.
He was not well, and he knew it, though at times his nightmarish dreams seemed more of a reality. There were men after his money, his portion of his father's fortune, and they forced poisonous concoctions on him to bend his will to theirs and keep him from his family. He tried to rail at them, tried to plead with them as much as his laboured breathing could allow, but it was all to no avail.
Once, he thought he saw Donghae, hiding by the open door, only four years old but already so inquisitive he wasn't allowed to be left on his own. Hyukjae called out to him, but he did not come. Instead, one of the men shooed him away and shut the door.
"I'm dying," he said one day, in a moment of clarity. The light in the room had dimmed, almost as if the day was finally giving way to approaching night, but Hyukjae knew it was because death was drawing near.
"No, you aren't," said a familiar voice in reply, and Hyukjae closed his eyes, comforted.
He slept, and dreamed of home. There was a feast on the dining table, all his favourite dishes. His father sat at the head of the table, as always, and Sungmin to his right. Donghae beckoned to him to take the seat between him and Junsu.
"I can't," Hyukjae said, feeling around behind him for the doorknob. "I have a ship to catch."
He woke up crying, his face pressed into his damp pillow.
Lucidity returned slowly, marked first by an acute awareness of thirst, and then hunger. He was not alone when his fever broke - Siwon sat by his bed, a handkerchief tied over his nose. He seemed startled by Hyukjae's awakening, for he rose half from his seat, pulling self-consciously at the handkerchief that obscured his haggard face, and even in his weakened state Hyukjae could see that Siwon was worried. He tried to reassure him, but he seemed to have mislaid his voice. Attempting to clear his throat only brought forth a violent coughing fit he could not control.
"Drink this, Mr. Lee."
Hyukjae felt the captain slide his hand beneath the nape of his neck for support as he pressed the rim of a cup to his lips. The liquid smelt foul, and tasted worse, but Siwon would not let him turn his head till he had drank to the last drop.
"You should sleep," Siwon said, releasing Hyukjae and pulling the disheveled quilt up over his shoulders.
"I've slept for days," Hyukjae murmured, reluctant to return to his muddled dreams. He watched Siwon's lips move, but he heard nothing, and soon he was asleep again.
It was Zhoumi who greeted him upon his next awakening, with that wide smile to which Hyukjae had grown so accustomed. He was glad to see him, though he could not help but feel a pinch of disappointment that it was not someone else.
"Just in time for your medicine," Zhoumi said cheerfully as he helped Hyukjae to sit propped up against his pillows. If he had noticed Hyukjae's disappointment, he did not show it.
"I've been ill," Hyukjae said, surprised at how weak he felt.
"Have you? I hadn't noticed." Zhoumi picked up a bowl from the side table and gave its contents a slow stir. "I'm under strict orders to make you finish every drop, but I warn you, you won't like it."
"I remember," Hyukjae said, screwing up his nose. "It tastes foul. What is it made of?"
"Mysterious substances," Zhoumi answered, holding up a spoonful and sniffing it carefully. "Pulled from Hangeng's mysterious bag of mysterious herbs. Shindong says his kitchen will never smell the same. Open up."
Hyukjae opened up and immediately regretted his obedience. His nightmares had clearly failed to furnish him with an accurate recollection of just how awful the tonic tasted. Nevertheless, with some skilful prodding from Zhoumi, he managed to down the entire bowl.
"It's terrible," Hyukjae coughed, making a face as Zhoumi set the bowl aside. "Has Hangeng ever tasted it? Does he realise how terrible it is?"
Zhoumi laughed, leaning back in his chair and propping his feet up on Hyukjae's bed. "That's certainly an improvement."
"An improvement on what?" Hyukjae asked, not quite recovered from the aftertaste of his medicine. He tried to scrape his tongue against the edges of his teeth.
"You used to carry on quite a bit more when we had to force the medicine on you. I recall some choice words even I would blush before using. I had no idea you were such a deviant, Eunhyuk."
Hyukjae turned pink. "I can't possibly be held accountable for my words. I was ill at the time."
"You certainly were." Hyukjae had never known Zhoumi to turn so solemn so quickly. He fidgeted with his quilt, picking at a loose thread. Had he really come so close to death?
"How long was I ill?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.
"Six weeks and change."
Hyukjae's eyes widened before he realised that this must be another of Zhoumi's tricks. "That's impossible! It can only have been a week, at the most."
"Look out the window," Zhoumi said, jerking his head in the direction of the cabin windows. Hyukjae turned, and at first he couldn't think what it was that Zhoumi meant him to see, until it struck him - it was night, starlit, moonlit night.
"We've left the Arctic Circle?" he asked, reeling from the realisation that he had been ill for so long and lost so much time.
"It was a difficult journey," Zhoumi said, with a faraway look in his eyes. "Harrowing, one might say."
"What happened?" Hyukjae asked anxiously, startled by this new side of Zhoumi he had never seen before.
"Winter came upon us, and the ship was mired in ice. We had no choice but to attempt to cross over land."
"Over land? But the ship?" Hyukjae glanced about him, half expecting to find that he wasn't in his own cabin.
"We had to cut down swaths of trees to roll the ship across land. Which, of course, is when we met the native cannibals."
"Cannibals," Hyukjae echoed faintly, mind reeling with images of blood thirsty men.
"We had to give them all the game we managed to hunt and one of our women before they would let us leave."
"But the captain would never-"
"And once we got back out to sea, there was that bit of bother with a giant squid."
Hyukjae's splutters of disbelief ground to an abrupt halt, and he finally noticed the gleam in Zhoumi's eyes.
"You would lie to a sick man!" he cried, throwing a pillow at Zhoumi.
"Not that sick," Zhoumi chuckled, catching the pillow easily.
"Out!" Hyukjae pushed Zhoumi's feet off of the bed. "You despicable man, out!"
"Don't exert yourself too much," Zhoumi laughed. "You're a little sick, still. You know, you would have believed me four months ago."
"Perhaps the naïve part of me has died of pneumonia," Hyukjae said, still a little angry.
"I am glad the rest of you didn't," Zhoumi said, giving Hyukjae's hands a squeeze. For a moment he was solemn again, almost pensive, but then he smiled and let Hyukjae's hands drop. "Well, all's well that ends well. I have to return to my duties. I'll be by to visit you every so often, and I'll give you another one of those very enjoyable sponge baths, if you like."
"Sponge baths?" Hyukjae nearly choked on the words.
"Well, I enjoyed them," Zhoumi winked, and vanished.
There were those that marvelled at Hyukjae's speedy recovery after his fever broke, but in truth Hyukjae thought it could be attributed to how often his visitors decided to take their meals by his bed. By his third day of consciousness, he had had quite enough of eating porridge and boiled oats while the others enjoyed what seemed to him to be the most fragrant morsels of fish and dried meat he had ever encountered.
"I knew you were just putting on an act," Henry sniffed, watching Hyukjae devour the dinner he had brought him. "A ship of forty and you, the only one to catch pneumonia? There are easier ways to shirk your duties, you know. I could teach you some."
"I wasn't ill on purpose," Hyukjae protested, peering past Henry only to see an empty hallway.
"Of course you weren't," Henry sniffed, setting the tray down on Hyukjae's lap. "You just happened to be out of commission for the most difficult part of our journey, and now you get to have your dinner brought to your bed. I should catch pneumonia more often."
"You shouldn't joke about such things, Henry," Hyukjae said, frowning up at the young man. "I'm sure the captain would be most distressed if you fell ill."
Henry sniffed again, but he pulled up a chair and sat by Hyukjae's bed, swiping forkfuls of his food. "I'd get special food, too."
"What is it?" Hyukjae asked, spooning at the springy white meat. It did not smell suspicious, and tasted delicious when he took a bite.
"Squid."
Hyukjae coughed, and would have upset his dinner tray if Henry had not acted quickly to rescue it.
"Careful," he said, setting the tray down on the bedside table. "Do you want some water?"
Hyukjae nodded, trying to swallow the tickle in his throat. He was anxious to avoid another bowl of Hangeng's remedy. Clearing his throat, he took the glass of water Henry offered him, only to choke most alarmingly when he could not suppress a cough in time. Henry shot to his feet and was off down the hallway before Hyukjae could stop him.
His coughing had subsided by the time Hangeng came running into his cabin, flushed and wet from the rain that had just begun to pour, Henry at his heels.
"Are you all right?" Hangeng asked, pressing his palm against Hyukjae's forehead, testing his temperature. His hand was damp and cold.
"I'm fine. I choked on my food, nothing more."
Hangeng looked about as disapproving as Hyukjae had ever seen him look. "Perhaps you aren't ready for solid food."
"I am!" Hyukjae protested. "It was just that I recalled something Zhoumi said. Another of his jokes at my expense."
Henry chuckled behind Hangeng. "He only tricks the gullible."
"Haven't you ever fallen for one of his tales?"
"Only once," Henry grinned. "Something about a rite of initiation."
"Ah." Hyukjae felt his cheeks burning. "That."
"What rite of initiation?" Hangeng asked, glancing at Henry. Hyukjae averted his eyes, quite unwilling to relive the embarrassment of having fallen for that trick, and for a moment he thought he saw movement by the corner of his open door.
"Captain?" he called out before he had time to think, almost certain it was Siwon by the colour of his coat. Hangeng and Henry turned at his call, and to his surprise, Henry darted out to the corridor.
"Captain!" Henry crowed with ill-disguised delight. "So it's you indeed! I thought perhaps our Hyukjae was suffering from delusional fantasies again. Won't you come in for a visit?"
Hyukjae found himself holding his breath as Siwon came around the door. The captain had lost weight, and the rainwater that had soaked his clothes made them cling to his skin, only serving to emphasise his leanness. There were dark circles under his eyes, framed by the wet locks of his hair. It had been six weeks, yes, and they had not been easy weeks for Siwon either.
Hangeng rose to his feet and pulled a towel from the rack by Hyukjae's washbasin. "Captain," he said, offering it to Siwon.
"Yes, do stay with the invalid," Henry said, brazenly pushing Siwon into the chair and tossing the towel onto his lap. "Hangeng and I will be off. There are duties to be done and errands to be... erred."
"Keep an eye on his temperature," Hangeng told Siwon. "Don't let him overexert himself."
"You heard him, Captain," Henry said, with a twinkle in his eyes most reminiscent of the one perpetually in Zhoumi's. "Don't partake in anything too strenuous."
Hyukjae sipped at his drink, hardly able to bear the awkward silence that descended upon them with Hangeng and Henry's departure. He looked out the window, at the overcast sky. Lightning flashed, accompanied by a loud peal of thunder that made Hyukjae flinch. He glanced at Siwon, afraid that Siwon had seen his moment of cowardice, and was mortified to find that Siwon had.
"You look well," Siwon said, all polite courtesy, as always.
"Thank you," Hyukjae murmured. His bit his lip, and, floundering for something to say, added, "you seem haggard." He cursed himself, and half wished himself back in that state of blissful coma.
"I mean to say, that is," he stumbled on before Siwon could form some sort of response. "It must have been grueling, navigating the Arctic Circle, and I was an extra burden in that time, for which I am most sorry."
"No, Mr. Lee, I am most sorry." Siwon's voice was so soft, so desperately sincere that Hyukjae fell silent, speechless. Siwon covered his face with his hand, but through the gaps of his fingers, Hyukjae could see the anguish in his face, the self-reproach. "If I had not been so soft-hearted, if I had only stood firm in my decision, we would never have made that excursion on land, you would never have fallen into that lake, never have come so close to--"
Another peal of thunder sounded, loud enough to interrupt him, and the captain seemed shaken, for a moment. He surged to his feet, pacing the length of the room before coming to a stop before the door. Hyukjae, his mind reeling from the realisation that Siwon blamed himself for his illness, watched the curve of Siwon's shoulders straighten into a rigid line.
"Again, I apologise," Siwon said, turning around, his mouth set as if determined not to display his sadness. "My emotions seem to have gotten the better of me."
"Captain," Hyukjae put every feeling into that word, "I do not blame you. I persuaded you to let us go ashore, I insisted on helping when I knew full well that with my sort of ill fortune I was bound to fall or break a bone or even drown. It is my own fault that I fell ill, and I do not blame you. So much less should you blame yourself."
The change in Siwon was so subtle, but it was there in the way he appeared to stand taller, more sanguine. "I do not think I am entirely faultless," he said, taking a seat again, his knees pressed against Hyukjae's bed. "But I am glad that you do not blame me."
"I hope that I... That this is not the reason you have been losing sleep," Hyukjae said, indicating the dark circles under Siwon's eyes. Siwon smiled.
"I sleep better these days," he said, a hand upon the edge of Hyukjae's quilt. Finding himself hardly able to concentrate on anything but the short space between his hand and Siwon's hand, Hyukjae nodded, eyes fixed on the blunt edges of Siwon's fingernails.
"I do, too," he said. "The nightmares have ceased."
"I am glad." Siwon curled his fingers under his palm. "You called out the names of your brothers often in your sleep."
"I dreamt of home." Hyukjae mirrored Siwon's action, and slid his hands under the sheets.
"I thought as much. Mr. Lee, are you aware of our current location?"
Hyukjae shook his head. "Zhoumi only said that we have left the Arctic Circle."
"Yes, and we have crossed the Catherine Archipelago. There are just two weeks remaining in our journey to China, but I have called a halt."
"A halt? Why?"
There was no mistaking the neutrality of Siwon's tone as he answered. "Because there is an alternate route we might take from here. One that would allow you to return to America, if you wished."
"But why would I wish to return to America?" Hyukjae asked, thoroughly confused. Was he in need of a physician? Were there none to be found in China?
"I thought perhaps you wished to be reunited with your family."
In his mind Hyukjae saw himself returning home, alighting from a carriage only to be knocked into the dust by Donghae's overzealous welcome. Junsu would be there, full of lewd questions about seamen, and Eeteuk might click his tongue with disapproval, if he had not already found alternative employment. His mother might even spare him a hug. And Sungmin...
"I wish it," he admitted softly, because in his deepest heart it was the truth.
"Then I will give the order," Siwon said, getting to his feet. "And you can look forward to returning home."
"Captain, wait." Hyukjae held out his hand, making an effort to organise the thoughts in his head. "I miss my family, my friends, and if by some miracle you could contrive a reunion I would consider myself blessed. But Boston is no longer my home. I think I said it once before, at the beginning of our journey, when I was desperate to escape an unhappy marriage and chasing some abstract idea of freedom. I did not mean it then, but I do mean it now. This ship, Captain, this ship is my home, and this crew is my family. You have taken me in, taught me to stand on my own, and you have even nursed me back to health. You did not abandon me, how could I abandon you?"
"Mr. Lee." Siwon's voice had taken on a new timbre, a different quality, and there was a look in his eyes as he sat on the bed that made Hyukjae's breath quicken. Unconsciously, he leaned in toward the captain, so intent was he upon that look. He had seen it before, but never this close, and never at this intensity.
"Eunhyuk," Siwon breathed, and as thunder crashed and lightning slashed the sky, he dipped his head and caught Hyukjae's lips in a kiss.