(no subject)
I am so so tired of all the medical stuff I go through and it leading nowhere.
I really do have to just accept my body is malfunctioning for no reason at all. Because all the things I do have I have no reason to have and all the things it seems like I should have I don't.
and honestly I could probably just go on living like this forever if it wasn't for needing money and to be able to take care of myself. I could just enjoy the better days and take the worst days as they come and do my best to get through them. But I can't just do that because the way I am living now is not sustainable. I can't depend on others forever.
The nutritionist dismissed me tuesday because the low fodmap diet didn't help me at all after 2 months, I actually got my worst flare up of the year this past month. I have no idea why, I don't even question it or stress about it anymore. I just go 'here we go again' and sigh and get through it. She said that without a specific diagnosis she doesn't know what she can do for me if the ibs diet didn't help and that she thinks I'm just a highly sensitive person and that I should just eat whatever I feel like I can eat whenever I feel like I can and it's like gee thanks cause I haven't already been just naturally doing that these last 4 years!
And the thing is I've gotten my mood the most even it's ever been in my entire life the past few years, the therapist I've been seeing all year thinks I'm doing really good mentally and I think so too. So people always trying to blame everything on some supposed terrible mental problems that I don't even have are not helping at all but at least it absolves them of feeling responsible for anything that happens with me I guess.
I do all the assignments for physical and mental therapy, I even do all the meditation stuff which I always thought was stupid. But then I learned the science behind why and how it releases tension in the body and how your body can heal more efficiently when it's relaxed and it does relax my mind and body a lot even if there are no long term benefits it's nice to have that bit of time to relax and I think it does keep my mind more even overall.
I even did and do the ibs hypnotherapy online that the nutritionist recommended. No improvement with my gut symptoms but it's the most relaxing thing ever and helps me sleep better. The woman who does the free ones on YT that I use has the most relaxing voice ever. So I will just keep doing that too and who knows maybe one day it will fix me.
GI dr today barely touched on the fatty liver thing, I had to bring it up and ask him about it. I said I thought it was kind of weird I had that since I had no indication for it ever before and have no risk factors for it. And all he said was 'yeah it is pretty weird' with a puzzled look on his face. I feel like this PA I always see is particularly clueless about most things though. He gave me 1 more 3 month follow up and if things aren't resolved by then he says he will have to consider sending me to a teaching hospital because he is out of ideas. But the thing is I don't think I am sick enough for one of those, and even if I was the nearest one is 4hrs away and there is no way I could handle that or afford that! I just wanna live the rest of my life in peace without anymore medical stuff. And if I could find a way to make some money and take care of myself I would just do that instead of trying to get better enough to work.
I'm just tired. I had 5 appointments this week, every day but thursday, and thursday I overdid it trying to get the at home stuff done I needed to do and was in excruciating pain today.
I did tell the GI I have an awful lot of spams in my stomach and intestines and wondered if it was just all the spasms creating all the irritation so he prescribed me an antispasmodic but idk if medicaid is gonna cover it! And he did order 1 more test even though he doesn't think I have that but the nutritionist suggested it so he said he would order it even though it's pointless because even if you do have it no insurance will cover the medicine for it and it's thousands of dollars. He said they never even do that test anymore because of that but at least I could know even if I could do nothing about it.
Doctors are wonderful aren't they?
Anyway I don't know if medicaid will cover that test either so should I even try if it's likely to show nothing anyway? Just to rule one more thing out?
He also wants me to do one more liver work up just to make sure it's nothing serious so monday I have to go to their main office an hour away to get that done and then go to PT right after that. At least things at PT are back to normal and a lot better than that weird few weeks. I found out by overhearing it was the anniversary of when her brother died during the time she was saying such discouraging things to me so that helped me to know it wasn't me it was the stuff she was going though. And I completely understand because death anniversaries are so hard.
I was supposed to go to my home state/town with my parents next month because my dad's sister was going to be there who lives on the opposite coast and he really wanted to be able to see all his sisters together at least one last time. None of them are doing well health wise at all, he's scared he will never get to see them again, especially all together. Aging is the worst because you live with the constant threat of loosing everyone one by one. Now my aunt is saying she isn't going to go because she doesn't feel well enough, and one of my other aunt's has pneumonia right now and the other one has her second bought of lung cancer going on. So now we're not even sure we should go if he's not going to get to see everyone. I also don't want to go anymore because of how badly I am flaring I really don't know if I can make it and he is depending on me to do a lot of the driving even though I keep telling him I can't drive for a long time anymore like I used to he just thinks I'll be able to anyway. And when we planed this trip it was while I had a long stretch of doing mostly ok, I had no idea I would get this bad again, it's been so long since I had this particular set of symptoms! One night I even threw up a ton of clear fluid in my sleep, and that never happened to me ever before. I told the doctor about that and he didn't even acknowledge it. Probably because I throw too much info at him all at once but they only give me 15mins every 3 months and they never listen so I have to get in as much as I can while I'm there!
I am falling asleep while typing this. I need to go to bed but this was all weighing on my mind so I needed to write it down before I could sleep.
I really do have to just accept my body is malfunctioning for no reason at all. Because all the things I do have I have no reason to have and all the things it seems like I should have I don't.
and honestly I could probably just go on living like this forever if it wasn't for needing money and to be able to take care of myself. I could just enjoy the better days and take the worst days as they come and do my best to get through them. But I can't just do that because the way I am living now is not sustainable. I can't depend on others forever.
The nutritionist dismissed me tuesday because the low fodmap diet didn't help me at all after 2 months, I actually got my worst flare up of the year this past month. I have no idea why, I don't even question it or stress about it anymore. I just go 'here we go again' and sigh and get through it. She said that without a specific diagnosis she doesn't know what she can do for me if the ibs diet didn't help and that she thinks I'm just a highly sensitive person and that I should just eat whatever I feel like I can eat whenever I feel like I can and it's like gee thanks cause I haven't already been just naturally doing that these last 4 years!
And the thing is I've gotten my mood the most even it's ever been in my entire life the past few years, the therapist I've been seeing all year thinks I'm doing really good mentally and I think so too. So people always trying to blame everything on some supposed terrible mental problems that I don't even have are not helping at all but at least it absolves them of feeling responsible for anything that happens with me I guess.
I do all the assignments for physical and mental therapy, I even do all the meditation stuff which I always thought was stupid. But then I learned the science behind why and how it releases tension in the body and how your body can heal more efficiently when it's relaxed and it does relax my mind and body a lot even if there are no long term benefits it's nice to have that bit of time to relax and I think it does keep my mind more even overall.
I even did and do the ibs hypnotherapy online that the nutritionist recommended. No improvement with my gut symptoms but it's the most relaxing thing ever and helps me sleep better. The woman who does the free ones on YT that I use has the most relaxing voice ever. So I will just keep doing that too and who knows maybe one day it will fix me.
GI dr today barely touched on the fatty liver thing, I had to bring it up and ask him about it. I said I thought it was kind of weird I had that since I had no indication for it ever before and have no risk factors for it. And all he said was 'yeah it is pretty weird' with a puzzled look on his face. I feel like this PA I always see is particularly clueless about most things though. He gave me 1 more 3 month follow up and if things aren't resolved by then he says he will have to consider sending me to a teaching hospital because he is out of ideas. But the thing is I don't think I am sick enough for one of those, and even if I was the nearest one is 4hrs away and there is no way I could handle that or afford that! I just wanna live the rest of my life in peace without anymore medical stuff. And if I could find a way to make some money and take care of myself I would just do that instead of trying to get better enough to work.
I'm just tired. I had 5 appointments this week, every day but thursday, and thursday I overdid it trying to get the at home stuff done I needed to do and was in excruciating pain today.
I did tell the GI I have an awful lot of spams in my stomach and intestines and wondered if it was just all the spasms creating all the irritation so he prescribed me an antispasmodic but idk if medicaid is gonna cover it! And he did order 1 more test even though he doesn't think I have that but the nutritionist suggested it so he said he would order it even though it's pointless because even if you do have it no insurance will cover the medicine for it and it's thousands of dollars. He said they never even do that test anymore because of that but at least I could know even if I could do nothing about it.
Doctors are wonderful aren't they?
Anyway I don't know if medicaid will cover that test either so should I even try if it's likely to show nothing anyway? Just to rule one more thing out?
He also wants me to do one more liver work up just to make sure it's nothing serious so monday I have to go to their main office an hour away to get that done and then go to PT right after that. At least things at PT are back to normal and a lot better than that weird few weeks. I found out by overhearing it was the anniversary of when her brother died during the time she was saying such discouraging things to me so that helped me to know it wasn't me it was the stuff she was going though. And I completely understand because death anniversaries are so hard.
I was supposed to go to my home state/town with my parents next month because my dad's sister was going to be there who lives on the opposite coast and he really wanted to be able to see all his sisters together at least one last time. None of them are doing well health wise at all, he's scared he will never get to see them again, especially all together. Aging is the worst because you live with the constant threat of loosing everyone one by one. Now my aunt is saying she isn't going to go because she doesn't feel well enough, and one of my other aunt's has pneumonia right now and the other one has her second bought of lung cancer going on. So now we're not even sure we should go if he's not going to get to see everyone. I also don't want to go anymore because of how badly I am flaring I really don't know if I can make it and he is depending on me to do a lot of the driving even though I keep telling him I can't drive for a long time anymore like I used to he just thinks I'll be able to anyway. And when we planed this trip it was while I had a long stretch of doing mostly ok, I had no idea I would get this bad again, it's been so long since I had this particular set of symptoms! One night I even threw up a ton of clear fluid in my sleep, and that never happened to me ever before. I told the doctor about that and he didn't even acknowledge it. Probably because I throw too much info at him all at once but they only give me 15mins every 3 months and they never listen so I have to get in as much as I can while I'm there!
I am falling asleep while typing this. I need to go to bed but this was all weighing on my mind so I needed to write it down before I could sleep.