motivate me...
I'm finding it so hard not to cry these days. The past month has been shit. August is always a sad month.. when everything starts coming to an end. Friends go back home.. the social life comes to a stand still.. and it's time to buckle down and get ready for school again. Thinking back to my past journals.. I'm pretty sure I've written about this same subject every summer. It never changes does it?
The beginning of the summer was great.. everything fell into place, and I was feeling hopeful for what was to come. Hell.. I even met someone I was into.. whose feelings were mutual. That has always been an issue for me... where I'd crush on someone who didn't feel the same way. Without question, it was the highlight of my summer. It was a friggin' life changing thing.. my first gf! Haha.. wow that's actually really sad. I would call her my gf.. just because it was easier than saying "this girl I'm seeing". I shoulda known from the first couple weeks that it was going to be a rough ride. I was scared of her... and watched my mouth a lot. There were SO many misunderstandings between us.. since a lot of the time we only got to chat online or text. Come on... you do not fucking need a STUDY to know that a good percentage of texts/emails/online messages get misunderstood.
So anyway, that "relationship" came to a screeching halt, and that started the shitball rolling. That, combined with the post-summer blues fucking threw me off. I was stressed.. got a lil depressed.. and gained weight. I've packed on 15 pounds... and that discourages me. I worked SO SO SO hard to get myself healthy again after going through hell as a child. Being picked on for being overweight caused me a lot of grief. Which leads me to another thing I must bitch about...
I don't know when it happened.. but I've become so judgmental towards people. Not my friends of course.. but random people I see walking down the street. I had it in check during high school.. but I think sometime in the past couple years I turned into a total bitch. I hate myself for that. I know what it's like to be singled out and ridiculed.. why the fuck am I doing it to other people. Though I don't actually call out someone and make fun of them, but I do it in my head, or silently amongst friends. I'll see someone walking down the street.. minding their own business, and I'll judge them for looking a certain way. A lot of the time I'll catch myself and think, "they didn't do anything to you Marcy... why are you hating on them?" It's also something I've gotten in trouble for with that girl I dated.
I'm sure she thinks I'm a total cunt and prolly wonders why she dated me in the first place. I know she has been interested in other people now.. and for good reason. Sooo, that's definitely humbling.... and it makes me want to do something better with myself.
Instead of all this self-pity shit I've been doing.. I should be more active and just suck it up. I went out with a bunch of friends this weekend and had a great time; met new people and felt good. Maybe that's why I'm always alone (without a lover).. because I don't go out and socialize. It's like.. how can I expect someone to come to me when I don't put myself out there. Back home I was so used to going out all the time and meeting new and interesting people. So yeah, I'm still homesick... and still haven't gotten used to life here. I need motivation.. I can't do this on my own. For once, when someone tries to help me, I have to actually let them.
The beginning of the summer was great.. everything fell into place, and I was feeling hopeful for what was to come. Hell.. I even met someone I was into.. whose feelings were mutual. That has always been an issue for me... where I'd crush on someone who didn't feel the same way. Without question, it was the highlight of my summer. It was a friggin' life changing thing.. my first gf! Haha.. wow that's actually really sad. I would call her my gf.. just because it was easier than saying "this girl I'm seeing". I shoulda known from the first couple weeks that it was going to be a rough ride. I was scared of her... and watched my mouth a lot. There were SO many misunderstandings between us.. since a lot of the time we only got to chat online or text. Come on... you do not fucking need a STUDY to know that a good percentage of texts/emails/online messages get misunderstood.
So anyway, that "relationship" came to a screeching halt, and that started the shitball rolling. That, combined with the post-summer blues fucking threw me off. I was stressed.. got a lil depressed.. and gained weight. I've packed on 15 pounds... and that discourages me. I worked SO SO SO hard to get myself healthy again after going through hell as a child. Being picked on for being overweight caused me a lot of grief. Which leads me to another thing I must bitch about...
I don't know when it happened.. but I've become so judgmental towards people. Not my friends of course.. but random people I see walking down the street. I had it in check during high school.. but I think sometime in the past couple years I turned into a total bitch. I hate myself for that. I know what it's like to be singled out and ridiculed.. why the fuck am I doing it to other people. Though I don't actually call out someone and make fun of them, but I do it in my head, or silently amongst friends. I'll see someone walking down the street.. minding their own business, and I'll judge them for looking a certain way. A lot of the time I'll catch myself and think, "they didn't do anything to you Marcy... why are you hating on them?" It's also something I've gotten in trouble for with that girl I dated.
I'm sure she thinks I'm a total cunt and prolly wonders why she dated me in the first place. I know she has been interested in other people now.. and for good reason. Sooo, that's definitely humbling.... and it makes me want to do something better with myself.
Instead of all this self-pity shit I've been doing.. I should be more active and just suck it up. I went out with a bunch of friends this weekend and had a great time; met new people and felt good. Maybe that's why I'm always alone (without a lover).. because I don't go out and socialize. It's like.. how can I expect someone to come to me when I don't put myself out there. Back home I was so used to going out all the time and meeting new and interesting people. So yeah, I'm still homesick... and still haven't gotten used to life here. I need motivation.. I can't do this on my own. For once, when someone tries to help me, I have to actually let them.