Choices
We are always presented with choices in our lives. Sometimes those choices are just a simple thing like do I want to eat at Taco Bell or McDonnalds. Other times our choices have a larger impact on other people also. Those are the kinds of choices I particularly do bad with.
For about a week now I have been spliting at my heart. One of my best friends, Stephanie, is someone I do believe I truly love. While I have been slowly working on having A'Lisa enter my life. Both I care for, and each have an important spot in my life.
Three nights ago I was faced with a dilemma, Stephanie spent the night. I didn't plan on it, but rather she asked too. I was a little upset and she didn't want our conversation over the net to end like it did, so she came up. So we talked things over, honestly I don't remember it too much, my mind was racing with other thoughts at the time. But one thought kept reappearing in my head, it was a pleasant feeling. While laying there beside her before falling asleep, I felt it, I felt with no doubt in me at the time, I am going to marry her. Sure people may think what the hell kind of thought was that. I can't explain it to those that have not felt it before. So I then went to sleep. During that night Stephanie told me for the first time ever vocally, "I Love you." At that point I was shocked, not at the fact she said it to me, but that I knew this was the first time ever. It took over half the semester for this feeling to form. And I was able to answer back, "I love you too." This wasn't some sort of half response, I never used those words with that kind of meaning before in my life. It almost scared me. But I smiled, and let myself fall asleep.
After waking up, and taking Stephanie home I went back to my place and called my Mom, and told her everything. Yeah, call me a dweab, I tell my Mom everything, she knows more of what is going on inside my head than anyone else. She just listened and didn't suggest any action. But afterwards I got back ahold of Stephanie and told her what I felt last night. I mind you it was not easy for me to voice this yet. I am always scared of rejection, and fear it. Then that night I go over to her place and talk with her more about it. Then after a lot of simple discussion and first beating around the bush with casual talk. We made up our minds, to get back together.
We were going to announce everything and make it public the next day, so until then we went back to my place and went to sleep. At this point I started to have a slight breakdown. I feel as if my setting and who I was with the past couple days affected things at first and I was scared of it. But I realized that wasn't the case, rather I am just nervous to make a committing choice like many people are. Because at this point, was just the easy part, I circled in the answer, now I have to wait to be graded by the world.
So Wednesday came, and I left Stephanie to handle things with Matt While I had classes from 8am to 4pm almost straight. My plan was to talk with A'Lisa about everything come 2pm when I usually go see her, since I persoanlly wanted to explain everything in person. But when 2pm arrived, she had to be else where for other easons. At this point I find out Stephanie told Jeff about the whole thing. My heart sank, it was not her fault at all, but I knew right away that I wouldn't be the first to tell her. So later that night A'Lisa finally logs into aim, and I start a conversation with her. The first thing she says is she heard a rumor. I honestly paused, I don't know why, but then I collected myself and explained what my choice was. That was a hard conversation, I felt like I disappointed everyone there. But I was told once, "Go with your heart, even if it hurts some people, don't hurt yourself to keep other's happy." I hate hurting people, but I didn't want to live a lie, care for one girl, but then love another. So I decided to make a choice that will make me look like a bad guy to A'Lisa's friends and probably end up making them hate me, while hoping that she will recover easily if I let her go before anything solid forms. I act quickly on things, and I do make mistakes because of it. But I will always live with my choices and never regret the ones I make for myself. They shape the way we live our lives, and I have just made one that has pointed me in a direction I plan to be walking for a long time. I am sorry to hurt you A'Lisa, and disappoint you, but I ment everything I said to you, and I will never take anything back.
So after my conversation with A'Lisa, my heart seemed torn for a while. Stephanie and I ended up back at my house again last night and was upset with me while we watched some Tom Cruise movie. Yeah I was in a wierd mood last night, upset with myself about how I hurt someone. Yes I am selfish right now and only thinking about me and not what Stephanie had to go through with Matt. But I care for people so it hurts me right now to think about what I did. That presence I was giving off was making Stephanie upset last night. But honestly it is going to take a week or so for things to settle down. Bare with me Stephanie, and during this time I will also stand firm as your crutch. I am here for you also. I need to think for myself. So many times I am relying on others to do things for me. I need to act more independent, and and assertive about what I want in life. I have been living in a daise too much recently. I am going to work on changing that in my life. Day by day I will try and do things to help change those small things in my life. Well I am ready to mature a little more like now, I am ready.
Today was diffilcult also, I called my Mom again and talked to her about everything, and she advised me to writing things down and its up to those that care to read it. So I am trying this now. Stephanie is quite hurt right now, I need to find a solution, a way to help her relax and be happy again. I don't wnat to see her sad for much longer. I hope in a week or so she will have gotten over the things Matt and her may have said. I love this woman, and I will put effort in this relationship. I have a lot of growing to do in handling a relationship, but I am going to put as much effort as I can. Stephanie I promise to never let go, and keep trying. I have to say I am scared, I always feel like Stephanie is going to break down put herself into a shell if things get too bad. I am scared because I don't know if I can break that shell, so I want to place the effort to stop her from being able to do it. I am also worried of myself, I have a tendancy to run away into my own world when things get hard or unbearable. I don't need to run anymore, I have Stephanie to turn to, and I need to not only acknowledge it, but also act it out. So much work, but I want to put the time and effort into it, and I will.
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On a side note what indirectly affects everything, I got my offer from GM today. I will start work at the Milford Proving Grounds in Building 16 (My Dad's old building (Thank God it isn't his anymore)) on January 3, and end April 15. Longer than I thought I would be working, but I still get a couple weeks to come up at the end of the spring semester before classes end. I will be working on Control Systems with Chassies. It's goign to be a different experience this time, and probably a lot more work, but I am excited. This job is going to affect Stephanie and I a lot, but I am not going to just let her go for a few months while I am gone working, I refuse to. I am sorry Stephanie, I am not going to let you have free will in this matter anymore. No matter how much I miss you, I will not let go of you, I promise.
I am going let things go here, my mind has let out a lot of stuff, and I need a break from the screen and actually do some work now. So until next time.
For about a week now I have been spliting at my heart. One of my best friends, Stephanie, is someone I do believe I truly love. While I have been slowly working on having A'Lisa enter my life. Both I care for, and each have an important spot in my life.
Three nights ago I was faced with a dilemma, Stephanie spent the night. I didn't plan on it, but rather she asked too. I was a little upset and she didn't want our conversation over the net to end like it did, so she came up. So we talked things over, honestly I don't remember it too much, my mind was racing with other thoughts at the time. But one thought kept reappearing in my head, it was a pleasant feeling. While laying there beside her before falling asleep, I felt it, I felt with no doubt in me at the time, I am going to marry her. Sure people may think what the hell kind of thought was that. I can't explain it to those that have not felt it before. So I then went to sleep. During that night Stephanie told me for the first time ever vocally, "I Love you." At that point I was shocked, not at the fact she said it to me, but that I knew this was the first time ever. It took over half the semester for this feeling to form. And I was able to answer back, "I love you too." This wasn't some sort of half response, I never used those words with that kind of meaning before in my life. It almost scared me. But I smiled, and let myself fall asleep.
After waking up, and taking Stephanie home I went back to my place and called my Mom, and told her everything. Yeah, call me a dweab, I tell my Mom everything, she knows more of what is going on inside my head than anyone else. She just listened and didn't suggest any action. But afterwards I got back ahold of Stephanie and told her what I felt last night. I mind you it was not easy for me to voice this yet. I am always scared of rejection, and fear it. Then that night I go over to her place and talk with her more about it. Then after a lot of simple discussion and first beating around the bush with casual talk. We made up our minds, to get back together.
We were going to announce everything and make it public the next day, so until then we went back to my place and went to sleep. At this point I started to have a slight breakdown. I feel as if my setting and who I was with the past couple days affected things at first and I was scared of it. But I realized that wasn't the case, rather I am just nervous to make a committing choice like many people are. Because at this point, was just the easy part, I circled in the answer, now I have to wait to be graded by the world.
So Wednesday came, and I left Stephanie to handle things with Matt While I had classes from 8am to 4pm almost straight. My plan was to talk with A'Lisa about everything come 2pm when I usually go see her, since I persoanlly wanted to explain everything in person. But when 2pm arrived, she had to be else where for other easons. At this point I find out Stephanie told Jeff about the whole thing. My heart sank, it was not her fault at all, but I knew right away that I wouldn't be the first to tell her. So later that night A'Lisa finally logs into aim, and I start a conversation with her. The first thing she says is she heard a rumor. I honestly paused, I don't know why, but then I collected myself and explained what my choice was. That was a hard conversation, I felt like I disappointed everyone there. But I was told once, "Go with your heart, even if it hurts some people, don't hurt yourself to keep other's happy." I hate hurting people, but I didn't want to live a lie, care for one girl, but then love another. So I decided to make a choice that will make me look like a bad guy to A'Lisa's friends and probably end up making them hate me, while hoping that she will recover easily if I let her go before anything solid forms. I act quickly on things, and I do make mistakes because of it. But I will always live with my choices and never regret the ones I make for myself. They shape the way we live our lives, and I have just made one that has pointed me in a direction I plan to be walking for a long time. I am sorry to hurt you A'Lisa, and disappoint you, but I ment everything I said to you, and I will never take anything back.
So after my conversation with A'Lisa, my heart seemed torn for a while. Stephanie and I ended up back at my house again last night and was upset with me while we watched some Tom Cruise movie. Yeah I was in a wierd mood last night, upset with myself about how I hurt someone. Yes I am selfish right now and only thinking about me and not what Stephanie had to go through with Matt. But I care for people so it hurts me right now to think about what I did. That presence I was giving off was making Stephanie upset last night. But honestly it is going to take a week or so for things to settle down. Bare with me Stephanie, and during this time I will also stand firm as your crutch. I am here for you also. I need to think for myself. So many times I am relying on others to do things for me. I need to act more independent, and and assertive about what I want in life. I have been living in a daise too much recently. I am going to work on changing that in my life. Day by day I will try and do things to help change those small things in my life. Well I am ready to mature a little more like now, I am ready.
Today was diffilcult also, I called my Mom again and talked to her about everything, and she advised me to writing things down and its up to those that care to read it. So I am trying this now. Stephanie is quite hurt right now, I need to find a solution, a way to help her relax and be happy again. I don't wnat to see her sad for much longer. I hope in a week or so she will have gotten over the things Matt and her may have said. I love this woman, and I will put effort in this relationship. I have a lot of growing to do in handling a relationship, but I am going to put as much effort as I can. Stephanie I promise to never let go, and keep trying. I have to say I am scared, I always feel like Stephanie is going to break down put herself into a shell if things get too bad. I am scared because I don't know if I can break that shell, so I want to place the effort to stop her from being able to do it. I am also worried of myself, I have a tendancy to run away into my own world when things get hard or unbearable. I don't need to run anymore, I have Stephanie to turn to, and I need to not only acknowledge it, but also act it out. So much work, but I want to put the time and effort into it, and I will.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
On a side note what indirectly affects everything, I got my offer from GM today. I will start work at the Milford Proving Grounds in Building 16 (My Dad's old building (Thank God it isn't his anymore)) on January 3, and end April 15. Longer than I thought I would be working, but I still get a couple weeks to come up at the end of the spring semester before classes end. I will be working on Control Systems with Chassies. It's goign to be a different experience this time, and probably a lot more work, but I am excited. This job is going to affect Stephanie and I a lot, but I am not going to just let her go for a few months while I am gone working, I refuse to. I am sorry Stephanie, I am not going to let you have free will in this matter anymore. No matter how much I miss you, I will not let go of you, I promise.
I am going let things go here, my mind has let out a lot of stuff, and I need a break from the screen and actually do some work now. So until next time.