Post Worlds bullshit and word vomit
So remember how I posted a long time ago that I was going to worlds? Well that happened just last week.
I did not sleep with any players. This was a sad heartbreaking occasion.
HOWEVER
I did get a picture with h2k which is my favorite team (bc of one player lol). and said picture had said player in the middle so HE TOUCHED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and it was glorious and it's my fuckin' phone wallpaper.
but anyway. I kind of wanted to just rant about a few things and be kind of butthurt about things i really shouldn't be.
Day 1 of worlds we had in the front row. I had an EU specific sign because I love EU players and want to sleep with most of them. har. but anyway i got on stream. I waved like a dumbass. This would not be the last time I showed up on stream the whole week either, i got on both next days, including the day i was not in the front row.
(This is going to be horrendously not linear at all so I apologize)
anyway the more important thing was my day 2, which was when h2k was playing. I bought pompoms and was a cheerleader for them in the front row. I'm unsure if any of them actually noticed me, or did and thought i was an idiot. Oh, I dyed my hair for this too. Silver and faded blue, just like their logo. Cost me a good $200 to do. Oh and a custom jersey with Darleesian on back.
The h2k twitter did retweet me tweeting at them I did it, which I guess is a net win.
but yeah. I also had cameras up in my face a lot of that day, but I have yet to find any images or footage of any of it, which is kind of pissing me off. IDK why but I just feel like I am owed something, for doing all this. Besides a damn RT. I wanted the -team themselves- to acknowledge me.
I did run into someone who i THINK works with h2k and he got a selfie with me. I also ran into other people in h2k jerseys and gave them pins lol.
anyways h2k won all their games and I was stupid hype afterwards.
The next day I wore the jersey again in hopes they'd do a meet up like some of the other teams had prior. I was correct in my assumption, but as soon as they announced they were doing it, I STARTED CRYING??????? which was a completely unexpected reaction. However I've been talking up this stupid kid i like for almost a year so it was like I GET TO FINALLY MEET HIM UP CLOSE AND HGNNNGNGNGN.
HE ISN'T EVEN ATTRACTIVE. I DON'T GET IT. BUT I NEED HIM IN MY HAREM RIGHT TF NOW
-sharp inhale-
He was also shorter than me which i thought was cute. oh and like almost 8 years my junior .... eh....... yeah
BUT ANYWAY YEAH i regained my composure and got a pic with them, and he touched me, and he touched meeeeeeeee and MY DICK IS SO HARD
I tweeted at him and the other teammates the pic thanking them, which only one of them RTd but it was him. <3
OH I HAVE HIM ON SNAPCHAT, AND HE SOMETIMES LOOKS AT MY STORY PICTURES. which ... i dunno. he hasn't in a long time though and i am sad. I actually have a tally of times he's looked at my pictures on my whiteboard next to me (it's 4).
I KEEP GOING ON TANGENTS. After we got back to the car, i fucking lost it and bawled my face off. I don't know why, I never thought I would react as such... but yeah. anyways we go back home (we got a really nice vacation home like airbnb or something but with a different site, it was the fucking bomb), I'm famished and pass out. But not after exploding all over my private twitter about it.
The third day not including that was relatively uneventful, though i got retweeted (well my chest did) with Dan's as we were wearing jerseys of two EU teams that were cheering each other on and we made a hand heart.
we didn't go to the 4th day but instead used that for bullshitting and shopping. which was nice.
and the last day we were there we drove down to san jose to go to fucking round 1 lmao, but it was worth it. Didn't care to do any of the touristy stuff and I didnt ever see the golden gate bridge either. I'm a bad tourist
alas. I just felt... shafted after leaving. i cried on the plane too. I came into this expecting too much, even though i tried to keep my hopes realistic. I was hoping since I went out of my way so much to prove I was a fan that they'd throw me a bone (figuratively or literally). Like, invite me to dinner with the team, or like, SOMETHING. I didn't deserve any of that and I don't know why I feel like i was entitled to such, but I get upset about it still even now.
I wanted to stand out to them, for them to remember me as me and not some rando forgettable fangirl. Does he remember I exist? Does he realize I'm the same girl from snapchat? i don't know.
I go back and forth being elated that he touched me and i got a picture with him to upset that that's all i got and figure that's as far as it'll ever go. It's entirely unrealistic that we'd even get to talking and be friends much less FWB or anything like that, also HE LIVES IN FUCKING EUROPE, so there's also that.
I made a long list of tweets about stuff that I wanted to specifically address though some of it was done so already.
I am lamenting about the fact I'm about to turn 30. I have begun to get wrinkles on my forehead. I abhor the idea of aging, especially since a lot of the guys I like are 5-10 years my junior. I always felt like I could pull off mid 20s now, but it's getting harder. I got bangs cut just to cover my forehead. (though tbh i look p cute with them ngl)
I posted about not having anything to look forward to now, which is true. I've dipped into some rurl bad states of mind because of this. Especially because i got nowhere with anyone. (HEDONISM AT ITS FINEST, I FUCKING SUCK AT THIS)
Oh, and the fucking camera, on the second day, put a fucking kiss cam on Dan and I. I hate looking obviously taken anymore because I can't get anywhere, guys don't ever talk to me anymore because Dan is always with me I guess. I never used to have that problem prior. .. digressing again.
There was the kiss cam and I just froze. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I hated the attention like this. Dan took my head and kissed my cheek. I felt like i fucking wanted to die. It was awful. Thinking back on it now I'm still cringing about it. Why us? The camera guy constantly looked at me as it was. I was talking to dan a lot, and while not looking lovey dovey I guess he figured out we were together, idk.
The worst part of all that was that h2k had just come out and was fixing their peripherals and stuff. they couldn't see the monitor, but still. it was fucking awful. horrible and terrible and i never want to feel like that again.
Dan probably thinks I hate him because of my wishes to appear available, but i don't know how to talk to people anymore. Shit i didn't before, but people would approach me so it wasn't a problem.
man this is convoluted and going every which way.
the long and short of it is basically that I feel unfairly treated for all that I did for this stupid team, when I really shouldn't at all, and should be glad I got what I did with the picture. That -he- doesn't know or care who i am. that I didn't have any chance meetings with anyone downtown eating or anything.
Also I have become very self conscious of my crooked teeth and am getting a braces consult at the end of the month. I ended up not using any of my savings on the trip, so if i have to i will pay for it with that. I wasn't able to as a kid because we were poor, and it's the main thing keeping me from feeling attractive.
OH ALSO I GOT SICK LOL which was fucking fantastic. i feel like death right now. but i still made it a point to update the wiki.
also also the plane ride home was awful, turbulent and I am so scared of planes. even with taking ativan i was up the wall.
anyway, i guess i'll end that tirade here.
In other news, my mom is visiting the weekend of my birthday and I'm excited. I went to lubbock a couple of weekends ago for a friend's bd party (which was fun as fuck, we got drunk and put wigs on lmao) and spent most of my time there, so I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her. She also had to work early, so we ended up leaving town relatively early as well. The trip was poorly planned on my part, i didn't get to hang out with another friend of mine either, and i feel kind of shitty about it, but what can you do. i also constantly have this overbearing feeling of disappointment, or something like it when I go to lubbock. I don't know how to really describe it. I think I'd posted something about it being a black hole of unhappiness and shit or something to that extent. Even after leaving, that feeling doesn't leave you as a person.
Halloween is soon and a new touhou friend of mine is thinking of visiting austin for it. I hope he does, he is a chill guy and I want to get to know him better irl.
I don't know what I'll dress up as. Probably kasen. again. lol.
i need to get a wig for Sonia Nevermind, because i never did but i bought an inexpensive cosplay because i didn't feel like making it and i wanted to see the quality from this one place. It took a long time to get to me, but for the cost it was actually put together really well and the cloth isn't shitty either. So I was impressed with it.
While I was gone from home, I missed Soma and sometimes called for her at the SF house lmao. I do that from time to time. She comes when I call her so it's instant cat gratification.
I need to decorate for halloween. I also need to water my plants. I am going to go do this.
Pray for my sanity as i continue to carry the stupid fucking burden of thinking i'm hot shit when I'm not lmao
<3 Kamaka
whatever names whatever it's dar but i'll always use this here
I did not sleep with any players. This was a sad heartbreaking occasion.
HOWEVER
I did get a picture with h2k which is my favorite team (bc of one player lol). and said picture had said player in the middle so HE TOUCHED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and it was glorious and it's my fuckin' phone wallpaper.
but anyway. I kind of wanted to just rant about a few things and be kind of butthurt about things i really shouldn't be.
Day 1 of worlds we had in the front row. I had an EU specific sign because I love EU players and want to sleep with most of them. har. but anyway i got on stream. I waved like a dumbass. This would not be the last time I showed up on stream the whole week either, i got on both next days, including the day i was not in the front row.
(This is going to be horrendously not linear at all so I apologize)
anyway the more important thing was my day 2, which was when h2k was playing. I bought pompoms and was a cheerleader for them in the front row. I'm unsure if any of them actually noticed me, or did and thought i was an idiot. Oh, I dyed my hair for this too. Silver and faded blue, just like their logo. Cost me a good $200 to do. Oh and a custom jersey with Darleesian on back.
The h2k twitter did retweet me tweeting at them I did it, which I guess is a net win.
but yeah. I also had cameras up in my face a lot of that day, but I have yet to find any images or footage of any of it, which is kind of pissing me off. IDK why but I just feel like I am owed something, for doing all this. Besides a damn RT. I wanted the -team themselves- to acknowledge me.
I did run into someone who i THINK works with h2k and he got a selfie with me. I also ran into other people in h2k jerseys and gave them pins lol.
anyways h2k won all their games and I was stupid hype afterwards.
The next day I wore the jersey again in hopes they'd do a meet up like some of the other teams had prior. I was correct in my assumption, but as soon as they announced they were doing it, I STARTED CRYING??????? which was a completely unexpected reaction. However I've been talking up this stupid kid i like for almost a year so it was like I GET TO FINALLY MEET HIM UP CLOSE AND HGNNNGNGNGN.
HE ISN'T EVEN ATTRACTIVE. I DON'T GET IT. BUT I NEED HIM IN MY HAREM RIGHT TF NOW
-sharp inhale-
He was also shorter than me which i thought was cute. oh and like almost 8 years my junior .... eh....... yeah
BUT ANYWAY YEAH i regained my composure and got a pic with them, and he touched me, and he touched meeeeeeeee and MY DICK IS SO HARD
I tweeted at him and the other teammates the pic thanking them, which only one of them RTd but it was him. <3
OH I HAVE HIM ON SNAPCHAT, AND HE SOMETIMES LOOKS AT MY STORY PICTURES. which ... i dunno. he hasn't in a long time though and i am sad. I actually have a tally of times he's looked at my pictures on my whiteboard next to me (it's 4).
I KEEP GOING ON TANGENTS. After we got back to the car, i fucking lost it and bawled my face off. I don't know why, I never thought I would react as such... but yeah. anyways we go back home (we got a really nice vacation home like airbnb or something but with a different site, it was the fucking bomb), I'm famished and pass out. But not after exploding all over my private twitter about it.
The third day not including that was relatively uneventful, though i got retweeted (well my chest did) with Dan's as we were wearing jerseys of two EU teams that were cheering each other on and we made a hand heart.
we didn't go to the 4th day but instead used that for bullshitting and shopping. which was nice.
and the last day we were there we drove down to san jose to go to fucking round 1 lmao, but it was worth it. Didn't care to do any of the touristy stuff and I didnt ever see the golden gate bridge either. I'm a bad tourist
alas. I just felt... shafted after leaving. i cried on the plane too. I came into this expecting too much, even though i tried to keep my hopes realistic. I was hoping since I went out of my way so much to prove I was a fan that they'd throw me a bone (figuratively or literally). Like, invite me to dinner with the team, or like, SOMETHING. I didn't deserve any of that and I don't know why I feel like i was entitled to such, but I get upset about it still even now.
I wanted to stand out to them, for them to remember me as me and not some rando forgettable fangirl. Does he remember I exist? Does he realize I'm the same girl from snapchat? i don't know.
I go back and forth being elated that he touched me and i got a picture with him to upset that that's all i got and figure that's as far as it'll ever go. It's entirely unrealistic that we'd even get to talking and be friends much less FWB or anything like that, also HE LIVES IN FUCKING EUROPE, so there's also that.
I made a long list of tweets about stuff that I wanted to specifically address though some of it was done so already.
I am lamenting about the fact I'm about to turn 30. I have begun to get wrinkles on my forehead. I abhor the idea of aging, especially since a lot of the guys I like are 5-10 years my junior. I always felt like I could pull off mid 20s now, but it's getting harder. I got bangs cut just to cover my forehead. (though tbh i look p cute with them ngl)
I posted about not having anything to look forward to now, which is true. I've dipped into some rurl bad states of mind because of this. Especially because i got nowhere with anyone. (HEDONISM AT ITS FINEST, I FUCKING SUCK AT THIS)
Oh, and the fucking camera, on the second day, put a fucking kiss cam on Dan and I. I hate looking obviously taken anymore because I can't get anywhere, guys don't ever talk to me anymore because Dan is always with me I guess. I never used to have that problem prior. .. digressing again.
There was the kiss cam and I just froze. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I hated the attention like this. Dan took my head and kissed my cheek. I felt like i fucking wanted to die. It was awful. Thinking back on it now I'm still cringing about it. Why us? The camera guy constantly looked at me as it was. I was talking to dan a lot, and while not looking lovey dovey I guess he figured out we were together, idk.
The worst part of all that was that h2k had just come out and was fixing their peripherals and stuff. they couldn't see the monitor, but still. it was fucking awful. horrible and terrible and i never want to feel like that again.
Dan probably thinks I hate him because of my wishes to appear available, but i don't know how to talk to people anymore. Shit i didn't before, but people would approach me so it wasn't a problem.
man this is convoluted and going every which way.
the long and short of it is basically that I feel unfairly treated for all that I did for this stupid team, when I really shouldn't at all, and should be glad I got what I did with the picture. That -he- doesn't know or care who i am. that I didn't have any chance meetings with anyone downtown eating or anything.
Also I have become very self conscious of my crooked teeth and am getting a braces consult at the end of the month. I ended up not using any of my savings on the trip, so if i have to i will pay for it with that. I wasn't able to as a kid because we were poor, and it's the main thing keeping me from feeling attractive.
OH ALSO I GOT SICK LOL which was fucking fantastic. i feel like death right now. but i still made it a point to update the wiki.
also also the plane ride home was awful, turbulent and I am so scared of planes. even with taking ativan i was up the wall.
anyway, i guess i'll end that tirade here.
In other news, my mom is visiting the weekend of my birthday and I'm excited. I went to lubbock a couple of weekends ago for a friend's bd party (which was fun as fuck, we got drunk and put wigs on lmao) and spent most of my time there, so I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her. She also had to work early, so we ended up leaving town relatively early as well. The trip was poorly planned on my part, i didn't get to hang out with another friend of mine either, and i feel kind of shitty about it, but what can you do. i also constantly have this overbearing feeling of disappointment, or something like it when I go to lubbock. I don't know how to really describe it. I think I'd posted something about it being a black hole of unhappiness and shit or something to that extent. Even after leaving, that feeling doesn't leave you as a person.
Halloween is soon and a new touhou friend of mine is thinking of visiting austin for it. I hope he does, he is a chill guy and I want to get to know him better irl.
I don't know what I'll dress up as. Probably kasen. again. lol.
i need to get a wig for Sonia Nevermind, because i never did but i bought an inexpensive cosplay because i didn't feel like making it and i wanted to see the quality from this one place. It took a long time to get to me, but for the cost it was actually put together really well and the cloth isn't shitty either. So I was impressed with it.
While I was gone from home, I missed Soma and sometimes called for her at the SF house lmao. I do that from time to time. She comes when I call her so it's instant cat gratification.
I need to decorate for halloween. I also need to water my plants. I am going to go do this.
Pray for my sanity as i continue to carry the stupid fucking burden of thinking i'm hot shit when I'm not lmao
<3 Kamaka
whatever names whatever it's dar but i'll always use this here