On Lingering Issues
How long can one be "sad" before they're clinically depressed? I mean, is there a time limit, or some kind of qualifying quantitative measurement, or is it just a random assertion made by someone?
"You've been extremely sad and borderline suicidal for 14 days. You're clinically depressed."
For that matter, what the hell is borderline suicidal? I mean, when the concept of death doesn't scare one because the alleviation of pain would be a relief... does that count?
Is it suicidal to risk one's life? Or is it just that "risking" isn't quite the same as "ending"? I mean, there's a world of difference between putting a gun to one's head and pulling the trigger... and, say, riding a motorcycle without a helmet.
I have to say, I'm tired of being so sad all the time. It's just wearing me out. Like a toothache in the heart... every heartbeat makes it throb, and the pain is just constant, unrelenting. The heart beats, the nerves compress, the pain rolls through you and ebbs... wash, rinse, repeat.
It's also akin to asthma. I have this "just punched in the chest" feeling all the fucking time.
Sleep is elusive, and filled with alternate endings that my mind is generating, soothing "what if" stories that make me want to weep with joy... until I wake up, and then I want to die all over again, because it's just too much.
This, I think, is what wears people out. Laughter can come, and we can forget, but there is the time alone. The heart wants what it wants, and it won't listen to the mind for more than a few moments.
Gods, I really don't know what I'm going to do. There is a limit to how much pain I can take. It's a high limit, but we're getting close.
It's a good sign that I'm asking these questions, right? That my mind is trying, on some levels, to take action. It means that the self-defense mechanisms are kicking in, if I'll let them.
Oh, and I can feel that old self-defense trying to activate. The urge to cold all the way through, to stop caring, to generate the hard shell and protect myself from all stimuli good and bad.
Trap - shutting down completely; it's an illusion, because the feelings are still there. They'll just back up on me and bust out in another direction.
Trap - jumping into something else; that's pain-killing medicine that covers the symptoms but does nothing for the problem. It also has consequences that I'm neither ready nor able to deal with right now.
Trap - thinking that I'm over it in a couple of weeks; I'm not. I won't be for some time... and how long that is, I have no way of knowing.
Man, these mental games I have to indulge in just to get operational...
"You've been extremely sad and borderline suicidal for 14 days. You're clinically depressed."
For that matter, what the hell is borderline suicidal? I mean, when the concept of death doesn't scare one because the alleviation of pain would be a relief... does that count?
Is it suicidal to risk one's life? Or is it just that "risking" isn't quite the same as "ending"? I mean, there's a world of difference between putting a gun to one's head and pulling the trigger... and, say, riding a motorcycle without a helmet.
I have to say, I'm tired of being so sad all the time. It's just wearing me out. Like a toothache in the heart... every heartbeat makes it throb, and the pain is just constant, unrelenting. The heart beats, the nerves compress, the pain rolls through you and ebbs... wash, rinse, repeat.
It's also akin to asthma. I have this "just punched in the chest" feeling all the fucking time.
Sleep is elusive, and filled with alternate endings that my mind is generating, soothing "what if" stories that make me want to weep with joy... until I wake up, and then I want to die all over again, because it's just too much.
This, I think, is what wears people out. Laughter can come, and we can forget, but there is the time alone. The heart wants what it wants, and it won't listen to the mind for more than a few moments.
Gods, I really don't know what I'm going to do. There is a limit to how much pain I can take. It's a high limit, but we're getting close.
It's a good sign that I'm asking these questions, right? That my mind is trying, on some levels, to take action. It means that the self-defense mechanisms are kicking in, if I'll let them.
Oh, and I can feel that old self-defense trying to activate. The urge to cold all the way through, to stop caring, to generate the hard shell and protect myself from all stimuli good and bad.
Trap - shutting down completely; it's an illusion, because the feelings are still there. They'll just back up on me and bust out in another direction.
Trap - jumping into something else; that's pain-killing medicine that covers the symptoms but does nothing for the problem. It also has consequences that I'm neither ready nor able to deal with right now.
Trap - thinking that I'm over it in a couple of weeks; I'm not. I won't be for some time... and how long that is, I have no way of knowing.
Man, these mental games I have to indulge in just to get operational...