SG-1 Parody Script!
At long last, the promised parody script of "Evolution"! This took way too long and way too much work (it was a long episode, and fairly slow getting off the ground, so I had a lot of talking scenes that somehow had to be either discarded or rendered humorous), but I'm actually quite pleased with how it came out. It's amazing the things I discover about episodes when I do this: I had no notion of how frequently this ep flashed back and forth between the different groups and their plot threads. Peter Jackson's rendition of The Two Towers has nothing on this ep!
Dedicated to izhilzha, who requested that parody scriptness be visited upon this particular ep.
Episodes 7-11 & 7-12: "Evolution" - the Parody Script!
[EXT. SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE VANCOUVER, TEAL'C and BRA'TAC pick their way through a field of DEAD JAFFA while making OBVIOUS STATEMENTS for the purpose of EXPOSITION]
TEAL'C: These Jaffa served two different goa'uld.
BRA'TAC: They were here to discuss an alliance.
TEAL'C: Several of them died from shots to the back.
BRA'TAC: There was no honor in this battle, which sets it apart from every other battle between goa'ulds in no way that I can discern, so why I am even pointing it out is beyond me.
FIRST PRIME OF RAMIUS: Hey, I'm almost dead, here, have you guys covered all the set-up exposition, yet?
TEAL'C: I believe so.
FIRST PRIME OF RAMIUS: In that case--cough, gasp, oh the agony!--you should probably split, there's this killing machine in black dirt bike armor hanging around here somewhere, and it's bad news. *dies*
KULL WARRIOR 1: I guess that's my cue to look scary and demonstrate the fact that energy-based fire has no effect on me before inexplicably keeling over dead! *does so*
TEAL'C and BRA'TAC: Well, crap.
[INT. THE GATEROOM, TEAL'C and BRA'TAC drag the DEAD KULL WARRIOR through the gate]
TEAL'C: It would be prudent to have someone look into how this warrior managed to kill a few dozen jaffa and repel energy-based fire before inexplicably keeling over dead.
CARTER: Oo, shiny new research project! Can I call in my dad to help?
HAMMOND: What for?
CARTER: No reason, he just makes any episode better by his very presence.
HAMMOND: Okay, sure.
[INT. LAB]
CARTER: This armor is completely resistant to energy blasts and projectile weapons.
HAMMOND: Well, I can see that presenting a problem in the near future...
CARTER: Also, the soldier inside is a creepy genetically-engineered host with a snake in its head.
JACOB: This is clearly a newer, scarier form of cannon-fodder intended to replace the Jaffa, who are not as scary due to the fact that their armor is humorous rather than cool-looking. What's really weird is the fact that this thing is only alive because of its symbiote and some crazy life-giving technology probably nicked from the Ancients and related to the sarcophagus.
DANIEL: As usual, I know of some mythological material that should provide us with a solution to our problem. I'll need to go to Honduras.
HAMMOND: Take Dr. Lee with you even though he is a walking liability.
DANIEL: Right-o!
[EXT. HONDURAN OPEN-AIR EATERY, DANIEL and DR. LEE order beers and contract a guide]
ME: The only thing of note to happen in this scene is Daniel speaking Spanish, which, while not as drool-inducingly attractive as "Ancient Egyptian," is Latin-based and therefor nothing to sneeze at. Moving on...
[INT. BRIEFING ROOM]
BRA'TAC: These warriors continue to attack and assassinate minor Goa'ulds. They are obviously a major threat. We must gather more information on them in case Daniel Jackson's South American treasure hunt does not pan out.
CARTER: What we need is to bag ourselves a live warrior and interrogate it. Luckily, I have a Brilliant Plan.
HAMMOND: Let's hear it.
CARTER: We go to Ramius's planet on the reasonable assumption that another warrior will be sent to finish him off. We wait for the warrior to show, trap it with a force-field and shoot it with a special tranquilizer dart. This will work because the Tok'ra, in an uncharactersistic demonstration of common sense, have made a one-way force-field that we can shoot through while still keeping the warrior trapped.
JACK: So far we're two acts into this episode, and I haven't been in a single frame, let alone had an actual line. Now that everyone else has handled the hard work of setting up the actual plot, I will make some pointless commentary to remind folks who's name comes first on the opening credits.
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE]
DANIEL: Okay, let's play Find the Temple. The myth says of this device we're looking for that "all watter flows toward it" which is very nice and cryptic, and not really very helpful, but it will be important later, so I thought I should mention it now.
DR. LEE: I shall now employ the tried-and-true Lovable Bungler method of finding things by falling into them! *does so*
[EXT. AMBUSH SITE ON RAMIUS'S PLANET]
RANDOM JAFFA: This area provides the best camera angles for your ambush. Good luck!
JACK: Oki-doki, Carter, why don't you set up shop. Meanwhile, you jarheads can go set up lots of explosives. By now there's been so little action in this episode that half the audience is asleep, and blowing the scenery to bits seems like a handy way to wake them up.
[INT. MAYAN TUNNEL THING]
DR. LEE: Well, these tunnels are inconveniently claustrophobia-inducing.
DANIEL: This is a total gyp, it's a dead-end and there's no wall art or squiggly writing for me to play with. *pouts*
[EXT. AMBUSH SITE]
KULL WARRIOR 2: *strolls over horizon*
CARTER: *enacts brilliant plan*
BRILLIANT PLAN: *spectacularly fails to work*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *continues strolling*
EXPLOSIVES: *explode*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *does not so much as bat an eyelash*
REDSHIRTS: *fire on warrior*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *mows down redshirts*
REDSHIRTS: *die*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *strolls away*
RAMIUS'S JAFFA: *surround good guys*
JACK: Well, crap.
[INT. MAYAN TUNNEL THING]
DANIEL: You know how I said "all water flows toward it" earlier?
DR. LEE: Yeah, you said it would be important later.
DANIEL: It's later. *pours water on floor*
DR. LEE: Um...?
DANIEL: It's under the floor!
DR. LEE: You got that from pouring water on the floor?
DANIEL: Oh come on, you would totally buy that if Indiana Jones did it.
[INT. RAMIUS'S DUNGEON]
JACK: You know, this is working out very poorly, even for one of our plans.
[INT. MAYAN TUNNEL THING]
DANIEL: *finds ancient device* Ha!
TUNNEL: *begins to flood*
DANIEL: Oops.
[INT. RAMIUS'S DUNGEON]
JACK: Teal'c, see if you can bore this guard to death with your freedom-and-slavery spiel. Maybe he'll lose consciousness long enough for us to escape.
TEAL'C: Hear me, Jaffa...
JAFFA GUARD: You know what, I just got word that my master has been shelacked by that warrior, so whatever. *unlocks cell*
JACK: Great, let's get out of here.
CARTER: Sir, before we go, I have another Brilliant Plan for capturing the warrior! All we need to do is ring him onto a cargo ship and keep him locked up in the ring chamber.
BRILLIANT PLAN: *actually works this time*
JACK: Why didn't we just do that to begin with?
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE, DANIEL and DR. LEE narrowly escape DROWNING only to be KIDNAPPED by HONDURAN REVOLUTIONARIES]
DANIEL: You know, I'm getting better at this being kidnapped thing, I didn't even need to leave the planet this time.
REVOLUTIONARIES: We are scary and desperate-looking but speak perfectly understandable English with the occasional generic Spanish word thrown in for effect as seen in "Zorro".
[INT. ISOLATION BAY, our heroes interrogate the captured KULL WARRIOR]
BRA'TAC: Whom do you serve?
KULL WARRIOR 2: I serve the White Hand Anubis.
JACOB: Pfft. Like we hadn't already surmised as much. Let's see if we can get any useful information out of him with a memory device.
TEAL'C: Where did you come from?
MEMORY DEVICE: *displays MapQuest directions to warrior's homeworld*
CARTER: Handy!
[INT. TINY SHACK O' KIDNAPPING VICTIMS]
RAFAEL: We've kidnapped you for the purpose of holding you for ransom. However, since that by itself would be kind of boring, I'm also going to subject you to questioning and torture for reasons that are, at best, extremely vague.
DANIEL: Why? For all you know, we really are just archaeologists hunting for artifacts.
RAFAEL: True, but I'm going to act as though you're actually a lot more important than you appear to be, and interrogate you even though I have no evidence to indicate you have any information worth knowing, leading all sane and rational viewers to assume that I am being advised by voices no one else can hear.
ME: That does seem to be the most reasonable explanation.
[INT. BRIEFING ROOM]
CARTER: So the warrior came from a planet called Tartarus. We are currently forming a Brilliant Plan for going there and blowing things up.
HAMMOND: That's good to hear, but I have bad news. Daniel Jackson has been kidnapped.
CARTER: Again? He didn't even leave the planet this time!
TO BE CONTINUED...[INSERT INFURIATING MID-SEASON BREAK HERE]
[INT. BRIEFING ROOM]
HAMMOND: So, as I said before the infuriating mid-season break, Daniel Jackson and Dr. Lee have been kidnapped. They're being held for ransom by Honduran revolutionaries.
JACK: Great, when do I leave to go rescue him?
[EXT. REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
DANIEL: *is paraded into RAFAEL'S shack looking scruffy, sleeveless and attractively disheveled*
FEMALE FANS: Is it hot in here?
RAFAEL: So, after a few days without food or water is there anything you want to tell me about this box thing you had with you when we kidnapped you?
DANIEL: It's an ancient artifact.
RAFAEL: I don't believe you.
DANIEL: Why the heck not?
RAFAEL: Why should I?
DANIEL: Well, for one thing it's technically the truth, and for another you're just some bozo with a gun who wouldn't know a priceless artifact from a hole in the ground. The fact that you haven't already tried to sell the thing off for extra ammunition is, in itself, something of a stretch.
RAFAEL: Yes, but the voices tell me that both you and this box thing are more important than you're telling me, remember.
DANIEL: Right.
[INT. THE SGC]
JACK: Okay, I'm going to Honduras to get Daniel with the help of a guy with whom I have some obscure back story.
CARTER: I'll take Teal'c, Bra'tac and my dad to Tartarus and blow some stuff up. We have a Brilliant Plan that involves dressing my dad up as a Kull Warrior.
JACK: Sounds good. Have fun with that.
[EXT. HONDURAN OPEN-AIR EATERY]
BURKE: Hi, Jack, long time no see!
EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN GALAXY QUEST: Weeeeee neeeeed yoooour help!
JACK: Hi there, Burke. How's the emotional baggage?
BURKE: Not bad. Here, have some hints at our backstory.
EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN GALAXY QUEST: Weeee are Thermians from the--wait, what was that about backstory?
EVERYONE WHO HAS NOT SEEN GALAXY QUEST: That's what you get for screaming movie quotes during dialog.
[INT. TINY SHACK O' KIDNAPPING VICTIMS]
DR. LEE: I cracked under torture and told them everything.
DANIEL: Why did I bring you with me, again?
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR, JACOB, cleverly disguised as a KULL WARRIOR, infiltrates the LAIR and shuts down the shields, allowing CARTER, TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC to join him]
BAD GUYS: *totally fail to notice that their shields are down*
CARTER: Yay, another of my Brilliant Plans worked!
[EXT REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
RAFAEL: We got the box thing to glow and now I hear even more voices than before!!
DANIEL: Oh, that's bad.
SOON TO BE DEAD GUY: I think we should make it stop glowing before you get any crazier, Rafael.
RAFAEL: No! *whips out machine gun* The voices tell me to KEEL YOU!!!
SOON TO BE DEAD GUY: *becomes dead guy*
DANIEL: Oh dear.
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR]
ANUBIS: Wormtongue Thoth! We must now engage in a brief maid-and-butler dialog about the Kull Warriors, ensuring that even the densest members of the audience are clear on the details of my Evil Plan.
THOTH: Yes, my lord.
ANUBIS: I am already such a cliche that it's nigh impossible to parody me.
THOTH: And I am uncharacteristically wormy and craven for a faux deity.
[INT. TINY SHACK O' KIDNAPPING VICTIMS]
DANIEL: Oki doki, I think we'd better break out of our tiny wooden prison here before the crazy people all get completely tweaked on sarcophagus vibes. *effects an escape with surprising ease*
[INT. ELSEWHERE IN ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR]
CARTER: Sheesh, this place is crawling with Kull Warriors, how many of them could Anubis need?
JACOB: It looks like Anubis is using a recycled CG effect from Season 6 to produce the drone symbiotes.
CARTER: We need to find a computer I can hack into.
[EXT. REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
REVOLUTIONARIES: *eventually twig to the fact that their victims are missing*
RAFAEL: You let them escape!! The voices are angry!!
DEAD GUY: Braaaaaaiinsss...
RAFAEL: Didn't I already kill you?! *does so again*
DANIEL: Crap.
DR. LEE: I am much better at falling into things than I am at running for my life!
DANIEL: Again, I have to ask: why did I bring you with me?
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE]
BURKE: I think now would be a good time to discuss our back story and have angst.
JACK: Is there a reason this has to happen while we're tracking crazy revolutionaries with guns through the jungle?
BURKE: Hey, emotional history waits for no man.
JACK: Right, whatever, talk until you feel better.
BURKE: Thanks, I think I will. *does so*
JACK: Okay, I hope that helped because your time's up, I hear machine guns.
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR, CARTER, JACOB and TEAL'C stop to admire the view of a bajillion KULL WARRIORS genuflecting to ANUBIS]
ANUBIS: There will be no dawn of Men!
KULL WARRIORS: Hail Saruman!
CARTER: Well, crap.
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE]
RAFAEL: I am SO! Freaking! CRAZY!! *fires machine gun erratically to prove point*
DANIEL: I'm not scared of you, I have a rock!
RAFAEL: SOOOOOO CRAAAAZYYYYY!!!!
JACK: *pops out of underbrush* Pwned!
RAFAEL: *dies*
JACK: Hi!
DANIEL: Watch out, I have a r--Jack?
JACK: Hey.
DEAD GUY: Braaaaainsss...
DANIEL: Oh, did I mention the zombie problem?
DEAD GUY: Braaaaaiinssss...
BURKE: I am so cool that I can actually pop my bubblegum while blowing away the undead. *does so*
EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN GALAXY QUEST: Yoooou aaaare ooour laast hope!
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR]
CARTER: Okay I think we've seen enough, let's start--
THOTH: *appears with flourish* Foolish humans!
TEAL'C: *pwns*
CARTER: As I was saying, we should start thinking about blowing everything up and making our exit.
[INT. CARGO SHIP]
JACOB: Why am I hearing loud noises coming from the cargo bay?
KULL WARRIOR: Boo!
BRA'TAC: This warrior is no match for my superior coolness. *administers elaborate smackdown involving ring transporter*
KULL WARRIOR: *falls to death*
[EXT. REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
DANIEL: We turned off the glowing box thing and we're ready to go.
JACK: Alright. Burke, nice job with the emotional resolution.
BURKE: Thanks, I thought so, too.
[INT. GATEROOM, CARTER, TEAL'C, BRA'TAC and JABOB gate home]
JACK: Well, I got Daniel back all in one piece, plus one zombie-making alien device. How'd you guys do?
JACOB: We discovered that Anubis is capable of making way more Kull Warriors than we thought, so that's bad.
CARTER: And I busted my arm, but we did get to use C4 on a lot of things, so the day wasn't a complete waste of mascara.
JACOB: I'm just going to go engineer an anti-Kull Warrior weapon from the glowy box thing, now.
JACK: You do that. So! We broke a few bones, I resolved some angst from my past, death and destruction loom imminent. That cover everything?
TEAL'C: It does.
JACK: So another day at the office, then.
DANIEL: Pretty much.
Dedicated to izhilzha, who requested that parody scriptness be visited upon this particular ep.
Episodes 7-11 & 7-12: "Evolution" - the Parody Script!
[EXT. SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE VANCOUVER, TEAL'C and BRA'TAC pick their way through a field of DEAD JAFFA while making OBVIOUS STATEMENTS for the purpose of EXPOSITION]
TEAL'C: These Jaffa served two different goa'uld.
BRA'TAC: They were here to discuss an alliance.
TEAL'C: Several of them died from shots to the back.
BRA'TAC: There was no honor in this battle, which sets it apart from every other battle between goa'ulds in no way that I can discern, so why I am even pointing it out is beyond me.
FIRST PRIME OF RAMIUS: Hey, I'm almost dead, here, have you guys covered all the set-up exposition, yet?
TEAL'C: I believe so.
FIRST PRIME OF RAMIUS: In that case--cough, gasp, oh the agony!--you should probably split, there's this killing machine in black dirt bike armor hanging around here somewhere, and it's bad news. *dies*
KULL WARRIOR 1: I guess that's my cue to look scary and demonstrate the fact that energy-based fire has no effect on me before inexplicably keeling over dead! *does so*
TEAL'C and BRA'TAC: Well, crap.
[INT. THE GATEROOM, TEAL'C and BRA'TAC drag the DEAD KULL WARRIOR through the gate]
TEAL'C: It would be prudent to have someone look into how this warrior managed to kill a few dozen jaffa and repel energy-based fire before inexplicably keeling over dead.
CARTER: Oo, shiny new research project! Can I call in my dad to help?
HAMMOND: What for?
CARTER: No reason, he just makes any episode better by his very presence.
HAMMOND: Okay, sure.
[INT. LAB]
CARTER: This armor is completely resistant to energy blasts and projectile weapons.
HAMMOND: Well, I can see that presenting a problem in the near future...
CARTER: Also, the soldier inside is a creepy genetically-engineered host with a snake in its head.
JACOB: This is clearly a newer, scarier form of cannon-fodder intended to replace the Jaffa, who are not as scary due to the fact that their armor is humorous rather than cool-looking. What's really weird is the fact that this thing is only alive because of its symbiote and some crazy life-giving technology probably nicked from the Ancients and related to the sarcophagus.
DANIEL: As usual, I know of some mythological material that should provide us with a solution to our problem. I'll need to go to Honduras.
HAMMOND: Take Dr. Lee with you even though he is a walking liability.
DANIEL: Right-o!
[EXT. HONDURAN OPEN-AIR EATERY, DANIEL and DR. LEE order beers and contract a guide]
ME: The only thing of note to happen in this scene is Daniel speaking Spanish, which, while not as drool-inducingly attractive as "Ancient Egyptian," is Latin-based and therefor nothing to sneeze at. Moving on...
[INT. BRIEFING ROOM]
BRA'TAC: These warriors continue to attack and assassinate minor Goa'ulds. They are obviously a major threat. We must gather more information on them in case Daniel Jackson's South American treasure hunt does not pan out.
CARTER: What we need is to bag ourselves a live warrior and interrogate it. Luckily, I have a Brilliant Plan.
HAMMOND: Let's hear it.
CARTER: We go to Ramius's planet on the reasonable assumption that another warrior will be sent to finish him off. We wait for the warrior to show, trap it with a force-field and shoot it with a special tranquilizer dart. This will work because the Tok'ra, in an uncharactersistic demonstration of common sense, have made a one-way force-field that we can shoot through while still keeping the warrior trapped.
JACK: So far we're two acts into this episode, and I haven't been in a single frame, let alone had an actual line. Now that everyone else has handled the hard work of setting up the actual plot, I will make some pointless commentary to remind folks who's name comes first on the opening credits.
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE]
DANIEL: Okay, let's play Find the Temple. The myth says of this device we're looking for that "all watter flows toward it" which is very nice and cryptic, and not really very helpful, but it will be important later, so I thought I should mention it now.
DR. LEE: I shall now employ the tried-and-true Lovable Bungler method of finding things by falling into them! *does so*
[EXT. AMBUSH SITE ON RAMIUS'S PLANET]
RANDOM JAFFA: This area provides the best camera angles for your ambush. Good luck!
JACK: Oki-doki, Carter, why don't you set up shop. Meanwhile, you jarheads can go set up lots of explosives. By now there's been so little action in this episode that half the audience is asleep, and blowing the scenery to bits seems like a handy way to wake them up.
[INT. MAYAN TUNNEL THING]
DR. LEE: Well, these tunnels are inconveniently claustrophobia-inducing.
DANIEL: This is a total gyp, it's a dead-end and there's no wall art or squiggly writing for me to play with. *pouts*
[EXT. AMBUSH SITE]
KULL WARRIOR 2: *strolls over horizon*
CARTER: *enacts brilliant plan*
BRILLIANT PLAN: *spectacularly fails to work*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *continues strolling*
EXPLOSIVES: *explode*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *does not so much as bat an eyelash*
REDSHIRTS: *fire on warrior*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *mows down redshirts*
REDSHIRTS: *die*
KULL WARRIOR 2: *strolls away*
RAMIUS'S JAFFA: *surround good guys*
JACK: Well, crap.
[INT. MAYAN TUNNEL THING]
DANIEL: You know how I said "all water flows toward it" earlier?
DR. LEE: Yeah, you said it would be important later.
DANIEL: It's later. *pours water on floor*
DR. LEE: Um...?
DANIEL: It's under the floor!
DR. LEE: You got that from pouring water on the floor?
DANIEL: Oh come on, you would totally buy that if Indiana Jones did it.
[INT. RAMIUS'S DUNGEON]
JACK: You know, this is working out very poorly, even for one of our plans.
[INT. MAYAN TUNNEL THING]
DANIEL: *finds ancient device* Ha!
TUNNEL: *begins to flood*
DANIEL: Oops.
[INT. RAMIUS'S DUNGEON]
JACK: Teal'c, see if you can bore this guard to death with your freedom-and-slavery spiel. Maybe he'll lose consciousness long enough for us to escape.
TEAL'C: Hear me, Jaffa...
JAFFA GUARD: You know what, I just got word that my master has been shelacked by that warrior, so whatever. *unlocks cell*
JACK: Great, let's get out of here.
CARTER: Sir, before we go, I have another Brilliant Plan for capturing the warrior! All we need to do is ring him onto a cargo ship and keep him locked up in the ring chamber.
BRILLIANT PLAN: *actually works this time*
JACK: Why didn't we just do that to begin with?
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE, DANIEL and DR. LEE narrowly escape DROWNING only to be KIDNAPPED by HONDURAN REVOLUTIONARIES]
DANIEL: You know, I'm getting better at this being kidnapped thing, I didn't even need to leave the planet this time.
REVOLUTIONARIES: We are scary and desperate-looking but speak perfectly understandable English with the occasional generic Spanish word thrown in for effect as seen in "Zorro".
[INT. ISOLATION BAY, our heroes interrogate the captured KULL WARRIOR]
BRA'TAC: Whom do you serve?
KULL WARRIOR 2: I serve the White Hand Anubis.
JACOB: Pfft. Like we hadn't already surmised as much. Let's see if we can get any useful information out of him with a memory device.
TEAL'C: Where did you come from?
MEMORY DEVICE: *displays MapQuest directions to warrior's homeworld*
CARTER: Handy!
[INT. TINY SHACK O' KIDNAPPING VICTIMS]
RAFAEL: We've kidnapped you for the purpose of holding you for ransom. However, since that by itself would be kind of boring, I'm also going to subject you to questioning and torture for reasons that are, at best, extremely vague.
DANIEL: Why? For all you know, we really are just archaeologists hunting for artifacts.
RAFAEL: True, but I'm going to act as though you're actually a lot more important than you appear to be, and interrogate you even though I have no evidence to indicate you have any information worth knowing, leading all sane and rational viewers to assume that I am being advised by voices no one else can hear.
ME: That does seem to be the most reasonable explanation.
[INT. BRIEFING ROOM]
CARTER: So the warrior came from a planet called Tartarus. We are currently forming a Brilliant Plan for going there and blowing things up.
HAMMOND: That's good to hear, but I have bad news. Daniel Jackson has been kidnapped.
CARTER: Again? He didn't even leave the planet this time!
TO BE CONTINUED...[INSERT INFURIATING MID-SEASON BREAK HERE]
[INT. BRIEFING ROOM]
HAMMOND: So, as I said before the infuriating mid-season break, Daniel Jackson and Dr. Lee have been kidnapped. They're being held for ransom by Honduran revolutionaries.
JACK: Great, when do I leave to go rescue him?
[EXT. REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
DANIEL: *is paraded into RAFAEL'S shack looking scruffy, sleeveless and attractively disheveled*
FEMALE FANS: Is it hot in here?
RAFAEL: So, after a few days without food or water is there anything you want to tell me about this box thing you had with you when we kidnapped you?
DANIEL: It's an ancient artifact.
RAFAEL: I don't believe you.
DANIEL: Why the heck not?
RAFAEL: Why should I?
DANIEL: Well, for one thing it's technically the truth, and for another you're just some bozo with a gun who wouldn't know a priceless artifact from a hole in the ground. The fact that you haven't already tried to sell the thing off for extra ammunition is, in itself, something of a stretch.
RAFAEL: Yes, but the voices tell me that both you and this box thing are more important than you're telling me, remember.
DANIEL: Right.
[INT. THE SGC]
JACK: Okay, I'm going to Honduras to get Daniel with the help of a guy with whom I have some obscure back story.
CARTER: I'll take Teal'c, Bra'tac and my dad to Tartarus and blow some stuff up. We have a Brilliant Plan that involves dressing my dad up as a Kull Warrior.
JACK: Sounds good. Have fun with that.
[EXT. HONDURAN OPEN-AIR EATERY]
BURKE: Hi, Jack, long time no see!
EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN GALAXY QUEST: Weeeeee neeeeed yoooour help!
JACK: Hi there, Burke. How's the emotional baggage?
BURKE: Not bad. Here, have some hints at our backstory.
EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN GALAXY QUEST: Weeee are Thermians from the--wait, what was that about backstory?
EVERYONE WHO HAS NOT SEEN GALAXY QUEST: That's what you get for screaming movie quotes during dialog.
[INT. TINY SHACK O' KIDNAPPING VICTIMS]
DR. LEE: I cracked under torture and told them everything.
DANIEL: Why did I bring you with me, again?
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR, JACOB, cleverly disguised as a KULL WARRIOR, infiltrates the LAIR and shuts down the shields, allowing CARTER, TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC to join him]
BAD GUYS: *totally fail to notice that their shields are down*
CARTER: Yay, another of my Brilliant Plans worked!
[EXT REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
RAFAEL: We got the box thing to glow and now I hear even more voices than before!!
DANIEL: Oh, that's bad.
SOON TO BE DEAD GUY: I think we should make it stop glowing before you get any crazier, Rafael.
RAFAEL: No! *whips out machine gun* The voices tell me to KEEL YOU!!!
SOON TO BE DEAD GUY: *becomes dead guy*
DANIEL: Oh dear.
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR]
ANUBIS: Wormtongue Thoth! We must now engage in a brief maid-and-butler dialog about the Kull Warriors, ensuring that even the densest members of the audience are clear on the details of my Evil Plan.
THOTH: Yes, my lord.
ANUBIS: I am already such a cliche that it's nigh impossible to parody me.
THOTH: And I am uncharacteristically wormy and craven for a faux deity.
[INT. TINY SHACK O' KIDNAPPING VICTIMS]
DANIEL: Oki doki, I think we'd better break out of our tiny wooden prison here before the crazy people all get completely tweaked on sarcophagus vibes. *effects an escape with surprising ease*
[INT. ELSEWHERE IN ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR]
CARTER: Sheesh, this place is crawling with Kull Warriors, how many of them could Anubis need?
JACOB: It looks like Anubis is using a recycled CG effect from Season 6 to produce the drone symbiotes.
CARTER: We need to find a computer I can hack into.
[EXT. REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
REVOLUTIONARIES: *eventually twig to the fact that their victims are missing*
RAFAEL: You let them escape!! The voices are angry!!
DEAD GUY: Braaaaaaiinsss...
RAFAEL: Didn't I already kill you?! *does so again*
DANIEL: Crap.
DR. LEE: I am much better at falling into things than I am at running for my life!
DANIEL: Again, I have to ask: why did I bring you with me?
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE]
BURKE: I think now would be a good time to discuss our back story and have angst.
JACK: Is there a reason this has to happen while we're tracking crazy revolutionaries with guns through the jungle?
BURKE: Hey, emotional history waits for no man.
JACK: Right, whatever, talk until you feel better.
BURKE: Thanks, I think I will. *does so*
JACK: Okay, I hope that helped because your time's up, I hear machine guns.
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR, CARTER, JACOB and TEAL'C stop to admire the view of a bajillion KULL WARRIORS genuflecting to ANUBIS]
ANUBIS: There will be no dawn of Men!
KULL WARRIORS: Hail Saruman!
CARTER: Well, crap.
[EXT. HONDURAN JUNGLE]
RAFAEL: I am SO! Freaking! CRAZY!! *fires machine gun erratically to prove point*
DANIEL: I'm not scared of you, I have a rock!
RAFAEL: SOOOOOO CRAAAAZYYYYY!!!!
JACK: *pops out of underbrush* Pwned!
RAFAEL: *dies*
JACK: Hi!
DANIEL: Watch out, I have a r--Jack?
JACK: Hey.
DEAD GUY: Braaaaainsss...
DANIEL: Oh, did I mention the zombie problem?
DEAD GUY: Braaaaaiinssss...
BURKE: I am so cool that I can actually pop my bubblegum while blowing away the undead. *does so*
EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN GALAXY QUEST: Yoooou aaaare ooour laast hope!
[INT. ANUBIS' VOLCANIC LAIR]
CARTER: Okay I think we've seen enough, let's start--
THOTH: *appears with flourish* Foolish humans!
TEAL'C: *pwns*
CARTER: As I was saying, we should start thinking about blowing everything up and making our exit.
[INT. CARGO SHIP]
JACOB: Why am I hearing loud noises coming from the cargo bay?
KULL WARRIOR: Boo!
BRA'TAC: This warrior is no match for my superior coolness. *administers elaborate smackdown involving ring transporter*
KULL WARRIOR: *falls to death*
[EXT. REVOLUTIONARIES' CAMP]
DANIEL: We turned off the glowing box thing and we're ready to go.
JACK: Alright. Burke, nice job with the emotional resolution.
BURKE: Thanks, I thought so, too.
[INT. GATEROOM, CARTER, TEAL'C, BRA'TAC and JABOB gate home]
JACK: Well, I got Daniel back all in one piece, plus one zombie-making alien device. How'd you guys do?
JACOB: We discovered that Anubis is capable of making way more Kull Warriors than we thought, so that's bad.
CARTER: And I busted my arm, but we did get to use C4 on a lot of things, so the day wasn't a complete waste of mascara.
JACOB: I'm just going to go engineer an anti-Kull Warrior weapon from the glowy box thing, now.
JACK: You do that. So! We broke a few bones, I resolved some angst from my past, death and destruction loom imminent. That cover everything?
TEAL'C: It does.
JACK: So another day at the office, then.
DANIEL: Pretty much.