(no subject)
I know I haven't been keeping the general public even slightly well informed about my life lately, but that's because I made myself promise I would stop just using this space as a place to pour out my angst. So; what I shall do is give you all a generic update on how the first third of the year has progressed, and then move on to how I feel etc ... So if you wish to ignore it you can.
As all of you may or may not know, I made a snap descicion at the start of the year to go back to Canning College, polish my study skills a little, fix holes in my foundations and acheive a lovely high set of marks that will allow me more options when I try to put things back together next year. That's been going well so far; I've 85% for Chemistry, 91% for Applicable Maths, 78% for Biology (which is not too impressive, but the top mark in the class) and 78% in Literature (also the top mark, or close to it by a fraction of a percent). I've actually managed to get into a study routine of sorts, and have been keeping up with assignments etc. Only missed one set of homework all term, and that was because I was violently ill that evening.
My living arangements haven't improved at all. I am still stuck babysitting my younger sister all the time, cleaning a rather large house without help, and being abused constantly by two absent parents about how whatever I manage to do with the house and organising my sister is never as good as they want it to be. I've been trying to get a job, but haven't even managed to get an interview anywhere yet. (Though Sean is trying to get me Jeska's old job at OfficeWorks, so I may have a chance). If I manage to get enough money to make it work, I am going to be trying to move out of home as soon as I can manage.
My health hasn't been everything I would have hoped, though I am keeping off the contagions I usually suffer this time of year as best I can. My ankle still isn't perfect, but I doubt it ever will be. I've been gaining and losing weight all over the place, but never enough to look decent. I still have to have regular injections and blood cultures done, but it hasn't been too bad lately. I suppose I should be thankful that that's all that's wrong with me I guess? Others have it far worse and deserve it less.
My social life, in essence, doesn't exist. I've been working very hard and have been feeling so distant from so many people lately. So about all I do is enjoy a weekly session of D&D with my brother and some (now) mutual friends. I've been dragged out to one party, which I actually really regret going to, and have seen a movie or two here and there, but that's about it I guess.
Okay. That's the update on my life. If you don't want to see the angst, stop reading here.
My doctor won't up my Prozac dosage and I'm dying inside. Nothing matters, everything hurts and all I want are the little pills to make it go away, and he won't give it to me because he doesn't think I need it. I felt like screaming at him that he needed to remember I am a diagnosed massive depressive agoraphobiac with severe abandonment, humiliation and seperation anxieties (and yes, there are proper clinical names for all those, but I can't remember them at this hour). Just because I've calloused my world to the outside doesn't mean the tempest stopped inside. I hurt, so much more than I ever did when they offered me anything and everything I could ask for in the way of medication, and because I didn't take it then they won't give it to me now.
I don't sleep at night because I am so anxious over whether or not I have done everything I have to, whether something will work out well or whether I will be left with nothing. I can't ever sleep, I can't ever sleep!! And all I wanted was a light sedative to take at night to try and help, and he wouldn't even give me that. Do I have to start cutting at my limbs again to prove that it really does hurt that badly?
Blah. I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll finish ranting tommorow.
As all of you may or may not know, I made a snap descicion at the start of the year to go back to Canning College, polish my study skills a little, fix holes in my foundations and acheive a lovely high set of marks that will allow me more options when I try to put things back together next year. That's been going well so far; I've 85% for Chemistry, 91% for Applicable Maths, 78% for Biology (which is not too impressive, but the top mark in the class) and 78% in Literature (also the top mark, or close to it by a fraction of a percent). I've actually managed to get into a study routine of sorts, and have been keeping up with assignments etc. Only missed one set of homework all term, and that was because I was violently ill that evening.
My living arangements haven't improved at all. I am still stuck babysitting my younger sister all the time, cleaning a rather large house without help, and being abused constantly by two absent parents about how whatever I manage to do with the house and organising my sister is never as good as they want it to be. I've been trying to get a job, but haven't even managed to get an interview anywhere yet. (Though Sean is trying to get me Jeska's old job at OfficeWorks, so I may have a chance). If I manage to get enough money to make it work, I am going to be trying to move out of home as soon as I can manage.
My health hasn't been everything I would have hoped, though I am keeping off the contagions I usually suffer this time of year as best I can. My ankle still isn't perfect, but I doubt it ever will be. I've been gaining and losing weight all over the place, but never enough to look decent. I still have to have regular injections and blood cultures done, but it hasn't been too bad lately. I suppose I should be thankful that that's all that's wrong with me I guess? Others have it far worse and deserve it less.
My social life, in essence, doesn't exist. I've been working very hard and have been feeling so distant from so many people lately. So about all I do is enjoy a weekly session of D&D with my brother and some (now) mutual friends. I've been dragged out to one party, which I actually really regret going to, and have seen a movie or two here and there, but that's about it I guess.
Okay. That's the update on my life. If you don't want to see the angst, stop reading here.
My doctor won't up my Prozac dosage and I'm dying inside. Nothing matters, everything hurts and all I want are the little pills to make it go away, and he won't give it to me because he doesn't think I need it. I felt like screaming at him that he needed to remember I am a diagnosed massive depressive agoraphobiac with severe abandonment, humiliation and seperation anxieties (and yes, there are proper clinical names for all those, but I can't remember them at this hour). Just because I've calloused my world to the outside doesn't mean the tempest stopped inside. I hurt, so much more than I ever did when they offered me anything and everything I could ask for in the way of medication, and because I didn't take it then they won't give it to me now.
I don't sleep at night because I am so anxious over whether or not I have done everything I have to, whether something will work out well or whether I will be left with nothing. I can't ever sleep, I can't ever sleep!! And all I wanted was a light sedative to take at night to try and help, and he wouldn't even give me that. Do I have to start cutting at my limbs again to prove that it really does hurt that badly?
Blah. I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll finish ranting tommorow.