The Problem at Hand (5/24)
Disclaimer: This is set in an A/U; I do not in anyway own Stargate characters or settings.
Author’s Note: Ah backseat driving…..it’s okay as long as you R&R please
The Problem at Hand
Chapter 5: Fandom
It was a rather peaceful ride….up until the silence was broken. “Kali, does she always drive like an old lady?” Someone whispered. I gritted my teeth a bit, “Who said that?” Kali grinned as she reached up and patted my head. “Don’t argue with the truth” she said sweetly. Daniel coughed for our attention, “So….Where are we going?” I grinned, “I have kid free time and no one keeps me from using it.” Pausing I continued, “I have people to meet, things to buy, and you guys to watch out for……I don’t know yet.”
Jack raised an eyebrow, “So…we’re just driving around?…Can you call this driving?” Sam chuckled, “Sir, I think a bicycle just passed us.” Every one started laughing, I got irritated. “That’s it!” I said as I slammed on the brakes. There were various claims of pain as I turned around to look at everyone. “I don’t drive that slowly! If anyone disagrees then they get out and walk!” Kali smiled, “It was just a joke Riley, calm down a little.” I huffed a little more before deciding that they were right, unfortunately. “Fine….Kali you can drive after we get to the mall.”
Turning into the parking lot of the nearest mall, I talked to the passengers in the back. “First things first, you guys get to pick your own clothes…and before anyone ask, the wigs stay. Kali you get one of the bags.” Everyone got out of the SUV gathering around as Kali and I got two large backpacks from the back. Jack and Daniel exchanged worried looks, Teal’c raised an eyebrow and Sam curiously asked, “What are those for?” Smiling I said, “They are our emergency kits, in case we run into trouble.” Jack shook his head a little, “What do you mean ‘trouble’?” Kali grinned, “We’ll you seem to get into all kinds of trouble, everywhere you go…” Jack’s eyes narrowed, “Fercryinoutloud, we’re not that bad!” Kali and I both replied at the same time in the same unbelieving tone, “We’ll see.”
X~X~X
We walked in to find a nearly empty mall, not unusual for a weekday. I turned to Jack, “We have to test out your card to see if it will work….” Turning to face the rest of the group I said, “Who wants a Slurpee?” The SG1 team gave me a strange look, but stopped when Kali started jumping up and down saying excitedly, “Me, me, me, me!” Smiling I led the way to the one of the shops in the food court. We each got our choice of Slurpee in silence…I had the suspicion they were waiting for us to have to give them back. They were all fiddling with the straws for their drinks but not using them at all. Kali on the other hand was already gulping hers down. I gave the cashier the card and watched as he swiped it and handed it back.
Handing me the receipt he told me to have a nice day and I smiled at Jack, replying to cashier, “I think I will.” Jack glanced from side to side, “Did anyone else feel a chill?” Kali patted him on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, she is the only chick I know who claims a spending problem while never going over budget.” I looked at Kali, “Alright, we are going to split up….Kali pick a person to go with you.” Jack looked concerned, “Is she only taking one person with her?” I shrugged, “I assumed Daniel would go with her.” This caused both Kali and Daniel to blush but no one disagreed. Kali lifted a finger to point toward Sam. “I pick Sam.” I sighed, muttering, “Figures.” under my breath. Jack gave us a questioning look, so I decided to explain, “She stuck me with the bodyguards.” Teal’c raised an eyebrow, “Are we to protect you?” I shook my head a little and Kali jumped in, “God, Yes!” Jack grinned at the look on my face, “So, why would she need protecting?” I gave Kali a pleading look, “We really don’t have to get into that.” Kali smiled, “Riley just doesn’t know when to stop…the last time I wasn’t there to shut her up, I had to convince a small mob not to beat the crap out of her….half her pack is for her, there’s duct tape in the front pocket.”
“Alright then.” I said digging through my purse. Pulling out my credit card, I walked in front of Daniel, “I will leave you in charge of this.” Kali motioned for her group to follow her and I turned to Jack and Teal’c to go in the opposite direction.
X~X~X ~ Kali, Daniel, and Sam ~X~X~X
Kali stopped suddenly after a few minutes of walking in silence. “I know exactly what you guys should get…you would never be recognized.” Daniel and Sam exchanged worried glances, and then Daniel asked, “What exactly did you have in mind?” Turning to her left Kali grinned pointing to a large store sign. A look of disbelief washed over Sam’s face as she said, “You have got to be kidding…”
Daniel looked at Kali with a somewhat pleading look, “Are you sure about this?” Kali gave a weak smile, looking into Daniel’s eyes as if searching for something, “Trust me?” He stared back for what seemed like hours before responding, “Yea.” They smiled at each other before Sam coughed rather loudly, “Guys, I’m still here.”
Kali and Daniel both turned red, when kali quickly said, “Right…The store….let’s go.” Daniel simply nodded and Sam smiled in amusement, following Kali into the store. Sam and Daniel took in their new surroundings, exchanging worried looks every 5 seconds. Sam looked around once more, “Um…Daniel…Where did Kali go?” Daniel looked around, “Not sure….should we be worried?” Kali answered before Sam could, “Not at all…Daniel, try these on.” She shoved a pile of clothes into his arms, while Sam chuckled, “This should be interesting.” Sam’s smile faded when Kali handed her some clothes too. Sam made an uncomfortable face, “Do people really wear this stuff?” Kali simply grinned, as she shoved Sam into a dressing room. Daniel got the idea and went into another of his own free will.
Suddenly there was laughter from Sam’s dressing room. Kali waited patiently for her to come out into the open. It was a strange sight, Sam, red hair, Knee high buckle boots, a green plaid skirt, and a black T-shirt with green lettering that said, “Schrödinger was right…Sorry about your cat.” Kali smiled, knowing that now it was very unlikely that she would be recognized by anyone. Sam grinned, “Where did you find this shirt?” Kali smiled, “I special ordered it for myself about two weeks ago….knew you would like it.” At that moment Daniel came out of his dressing room looking very uneasy. He wore black mosh boots, Baggy black Tripp pants with chains, and a black T-shirt with a faded white skull and cross bones. Along with the blonde hair it made it difficult to recognize him either. The only way they would be found out is if someone really studied their faces and voices. Kali stared at Daniel, trying to find something to say, but all that came out was a strange squeaking sound.
Sam laughed at Kali’s response, unintentionally drawing attention to herself. Daniel looked toward her with could only be described as shock. Kali now finding her words, spoke up, “Let’s pay for this stuff and then find the others.” Sam and Daniel both became slightly panicked at the thought of Jack and Teal’c or anyone else for that matter seeing them dressed so oddly. Daniel tapped Kali on the shoulder, “Shouldn’t we go change into our other clothes.” Kali shook her head, “Nope, Riley has a Tab here, you can wear it out.” Sighing, Daniel turned to Sam, “What do you think the others are doing?”
X~X~X ~ Riley, Jack, and Teal’c ~X~X~X
We had been walking for a few minutes before I could no longer contain the laughter building up inside. I laughed until I started crying, earning strange looks from my ‘bodyguard’ companions. Jack shook his head, “What’s so funny?” I looked at him with a grin, “Kali is going to dress them like Goths…” Jack chuckled and Teal’c raised an eyebrow, “O’Neill, What is a Goth?” I giggled and Jack grinned even more, “I have a feeling you’ll see.” Turning to me, he asked, “So what did you have in mind for us?”
I shrugged, “I didn’t think you needed your mommy to dress you…..but if you insist…” Jack got an irritated look, “Okay I get it, so what now?” I pointed straight ahead, “We go to any store you want and buys clothes that will fit…that good with you Murray?” Teal’c nodded. “Indeed.” Smiling I said, “I bet I know where you want to go.” Jack gave a disbelieving smile, “and where is that?” I grinned, “Sears.” Jack nodded and then we went walking to Sears to get him and Teal’c some clothes.
X~X~X
Jack came out of the dressing room for the fifth time to ask what I thought. “Jack I told you the last four times, you can’t wear stuff that you normally do, fercryinoutloud!” I immediately clamped my hand over my mouth, realizing it was too late. Jack raised an eyebrow and was speechless; Teal’c looked at me then Jack, “RileySanders sounds like you O’Neill.” I finally removed my hand from my mouth, “Damn it Jack, this is your fault….you annoyed me into sounding like you.” Jack grinned a little, “So…you’ve sounded like me before?” I gritted my teeth, “Jack…Drop it or I have Kali pick your clothes.” Jack held his hands up in defense, “No need to get snippy.” Teal’c nodded in agreement, “Indeed.”
X~X~X
Jack, Teal’c, and I we’re finally leaving Sears with a few bags of something that would actually work for both of them. Jack seemed more at ease around me now, “So how did you meet your friend?” I giggled a bit thinking about it, “Well you have to understand, when I met Kali, I was so shy that I didn’t talk…..to anyone.” Jack snorted, “Hard to imagine.” I fought the urge to smack him upside the head, “As I was saying, I was shy. Kali and I had a gym class together and so one day she started talking to me. Everyday for two weeks she talked to me. I figured she would stop eventually like everyone else, but she didn’t.” I stopped to take a seat at one of the benches in the middle of the mall walkway. “One day a couple of the ‘cool’ kids ran by and told Kali basically to ‘ditch the freak.’ Then I said the first words to my now best friend.” Jack and Teal’c were now seated on either side of me. Jack nudged my shoulder, “So what did you say?” I grinned, “My first words to Kali were….Oh Crap Hide Me!”
Jack gave me a strange look, “Those were your first words to your best friend?!” I stood up and ran behind the bench, crouching down. “No, stupid, Hide me!”
X~X~X ~ Kali, Daniel, and Sam ~X~X~X
Daniel, Sam and Kali sat at a small table in front of a cookie store. Daniel set down a sugar cookie, “So Kali….How did you and Riley meet?” Sam nodded, “Yea, you said you’ve known her for ten years.” Kali nodded as she began to tell them how she and Riley met; reaching the end she stood up and threw away the trash from her cookies. Daniel and Sam followed suit and they continued to walk as Kali finished the story. “So one day some of the other girls ran by and said ‘Come on Kali, get away from the freak.’ They ran off then Riley said the first words to me ever.”
Sam and Daniel look at each other with a puzzled expression. “So what did she say?” they both asked. Kali grinned, “Her first words to me were….Oh Crap…We got to run!” Sam seemed to be trying to figure out how that made sense and Daniel had to ask, “Those were her first words to you?” Kali shook her head, pointing down the walk way to Riley, Jack, and Teal’c talking to three women. “No…We got to run…those people are Riley’s family…this is not good.” Sam and Daniel weren’t sure how to react to this so they followed Kali as she ran over to the others.
X~X~X ~ Riley, Jack, and Teal’c ~X~X~X
Jack looked like he was about to tell me to stop acting crazy, when three girls who looked like they thought they were above everything approached. “Hiding again Riley?” I stood up grumbling under my breath, “You know me, avoid trash when I can.” I walked around to stand in front of my previous spot between Jack and Teal’c. “Jack, Murray, these are my cousins, Holly, Nell, and Ester. Nell and Ester don’t talk; I don’t think they have a mind of their own.” Jack narrowed his eyes at me, “Cousins?” and Teal’c raised an eyebrow. I sighed not taking my eyes off of my cousins, “I use the term very loosely.” Holly rolled her eyes, “You really should apologize for not keeping up with the family.” There was an echo of agreement from Nell and Ester. I gritted my teeth together, staying quiet while she continued. Jack seemed uneasy suddenly too, but I couldn’t figure out why. “After, your dad died, you and your mom made no effort to say in touch…” I interrupted Holly at that point, “That’s because you made her cry at the funeral and I told all of you off.” Holly smirked one of those cruel unsettling smirks, “Your dad would be ashamed.” I took a step toward her, fully intent on hitting her in the face. Holly grinned, “Your mom wouldn’t like you to fight with family.” I stepped back, grinning from ear to ear, then Kali tapped Holly on the shoulder. I waved and Holly turned to face Kali, and then was promptly knocked out.
Nell and Ester stood there in shock until Kali said, “Get her and go away before I lose my temper.” They didn’t need to be told twice, all the while Jack was laughing. Then he said, “Gee, what a bitch.” Kali grinned, “So Riley, you told him your first words to me…” Jack stopped to give us a shocked look, “What?!” I turned to Kali, “Nope…He figured it out on his own.” Kali started to explain how it was so funny I had to help her walk back to class, while I began to notice that it was getting oddly crowded. I was seeing people come in from everywhere, and then I saw it. I ran to a secluded corner and took a flyer off the wall. I ran back to Kali franticly tapping her on the shoulder.
“Kali…Kali…KALI!” she turned to me, looking annoyed at being interrupted, “What is it Riley?” Looking around at the SG team, I said, “I need to talk to you, over there in the empty corner….just you.” Jack glanced around, “Is there a problem?” I laughed nervously, “No…No problem…Kali, come on.” I said dragging her a few feet away. “Riley, what is it? You said there was no problem.” I nodded, “No, this isn’t a problem….this is a freaking disaster.” I held up the flyer in my hand for Kali to see.
Today Only at The Fort Hood Mall
Signing Autographs from 3pm to 8pm
Michael Shanks
And
Cliff Simon
Kali snatched the flyer from my hand in disbelief. “This is definitely bad…bad, bad, bad, bad….Daniel can not see Michael and None of them can see Cliff…bad, bad, bad.” Jack surprised us both, “Why is she saying ‘bad’ over and over?” Jack took the flyer from Kali’s hands before we could stop him. He read the paper in his hands and looked up with a questioning look. “Who are Michael Shanks and Cliff Simon?” I glanced around at the increasing crowd and hurried everyone further into the corner. “You guys, we have to get you out of here now…” Daniel looked at Kali, “Um…why do we need to go?” Kali grinned, “But I wanted an autograph….” I glared at her until I thought of something and smiled, “Alright Kali, but you get to explain who Michael and Cliff are.” Kali gulped and began to tug on Daniel’s arm, “Alright Danny, let’s go.” Jack took this opportunity to speak up. “No ones going anywhere until we get an explanation.”
Kali and I glanced at each other before bursting into a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. I held up scissors and Kali held up paper. Sighing she started to explain, “Well, your universe is a show here…you all are characters played by actors…Cliff Simon plays Ba’al.” There was an awkward silence as everyone tried to absorb this. Jack started to talk again slowly, “Okay…….Who the hell is Michael Shanks?” Kali seemed to suddenly lose the ability to speak. I did the first thing I thought of, I crept behind Daniel and started to point wildly at him. Teal’c nodded his head in understanding, Sam Smiled, and Jack simply replied, “Oh.” Daniel on the other hand looked around at everyone else, “Did I miss something?”
X~X~X
We were now getting ready to head out to the SUV, Kali and I were being a tiny bit paranoid. Jack was getting irritated, “We get it, can we go now?” Kali and I took a deep breath as I said, “Remember, no talking to anyone, look down, don’t let anyone stare at you too long…..Kali, you know what to do if all else fails…..Now we can go.”
I led the way out from the crowd, closely followed by Sam, Teal’c, Daniel, Kali, and Jack. Everything seemed to be going well until we made it outside. There were people everywhere, lots of people. Apparently they were only allowing a certain number of people in the mall at a time, outside was chaos. I kept walking until the crowds thinned out and found a somewhat secluded area. I gathered us in a small circle.
“We can’t get my SUV…even if we could, we couldn’t drive through these people…so we are going to go to a restaurant down the street…but we have to go back through the mob.” I paused long enough for everyone to look very nervous, “We will be fine as long as we stay together….Daniel, keep an eye on Kali….she doesn’t do well in crowds.” Everyone looked at Kali, who looked like she was going to be sick.
We got ready again and then set off into the crowd. I gave Daniel a look and he promptly held Kali’s hand. We made it through slowly, trying to keep people from separating us, when somebody recognized Teal’c. Suddenly a high pitched, valley girl type voice rang out in the air, “Oh My God! It’s Christopher Judge!” There was a few seconds of eerie quiet as people began to notice Teal’c, and suddenly everyone began to lurch toward us.
Kali and I simultaneously shouted, “Crap!” I looked around and shouted for us to group together. Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal’c, Kali, and I all huddled in a tight circle. “We have to try to get through….Jack, did you ever teach Teal’c about football?” Jack smirked despite the situation, “Good plan, but no…” Kali glanced at me, “Buddy System?” I nodded, “Don’t like it but we can still make it if the only recognize Teal’c.” So we paired off, Daniel and Kali, Jack and Sam, Teal’c and me. Teal’c and I led the way; I could hear Kali behind me, trying not to freak out by chattering away.
Suddenly another female voice told Kali, “Get out of the way!” Then I heard Daniel shouting at someone to let go. I turned around in time to see someone give Daniel’s hair a good yank, pulling the wig off. All around were high pitched incoherent screams of crazed fan girls and suddenly we were swarmed. I managed to grab Kali and pull her close enough to tell her a few words then I found myself by Jack and Teal’c. Jack yelled, “Where did the others go?” I smirked, “Plan C.” Jack looked pissed, “Plan C?” I nodded digging through my bag, “Yup, distract them, I’ll be back to get you.” I left jack cursing under his breath…trying to handle the people crowding around. I tried getting through the crowd but ended up only a few feet away. This will have to do. I thought myself, as I took my bag and set it on the ground. I crouched down and dug out what I needed.
X~X~X
Here we go. I thought as I put my plan into action. I lit the black cats in my hand, a 40 pack and tossed it in the opposite direction of where we needed to go. As soon as the loud bangs started, I stood up yelling as loud as I could, “He’s got a gun! Everyone down!” Of course there was no ‘He’ but everyone hit the deck anyway. I waved to the rest of the gang to run for it. Kali grabbed Daniel and Sam, disappearing quickly. Jack and Teal’c met up with me and we were gone down the road before anyone had the courage to look up. Turning to Jack, I smiled, “See….Plan C.”
Jack gave me a bewildered look, “C what?! C4?!” I gave him a stern look, “Gee…your welcome Jack…..it worked didn’t it.” Teal’c nodded, “Her plan was very effective O’Neill.” Jack gave a defeated sigh, “Alright…what now? Where are the others?” I shrugged, “Probably heading to the rendezvous point.” Jack looked highly irritated, “Are you telling me you planned for this.” I shifted under his gaze a little, “Well….I always have a back up plan….or three…”
My two companions blinked at me, so I continued, “I need you to read this map and get us to point C.” Jack blinked again, “You can plan to escape a mob…but you can’t read a map…” I blushed, “I don’t have a good sense of direction, okay...” Jack stood there, gaping at me in disbelief until Teal’c asked, “O’Neill, are you having difficulty navigating the map?” Jack glared at me before responding, “I can read it just fine…I just can’t believe our lives rest in her hands.” He said gesturing to me. I rolled my eyes, “Jack you’ve been watching too much TV…..sorry….we should go….”
Except for Jack’s grumbling about annoying females, it was mostly quiet. I found myself walking beside Teal’c hating every second of silence. “So…this must be strange for you…” Teal’c glanced down to me, “Indeed.” I sighed, resigning myself to quiet time as we walked. It was a nice day to be out, one of those rare less than 100 degree Texas days, but the quietness of it all was driving me nuts. I started fiddling with my husbands extra dog tags around my neck, when the silence was interrupted.
“Excuse me...” said an average looking guy who had planted himself firmly in our path. Jack raised an eyebrow as Teal’c and I came to stand beside him. “Ignoring Teal’c and Jack, the man looked at me, “I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime?” For a moment I felt bad for the guy, “Um…Sorry but I am married.” His response caught me off guard, “and?” I said the next part slowly, so he could understand everything, “I do not want to date you.” He grinned a grin that could only mean something was broken on his head. “Awwww…come on…your hubby won’t find out.” Teal’c stepped forward, “I believe that she wishes you to leave…” Teal’c took another step forward, looming over the guy, “I advise you to do so.” I had never seen someone look as terrified as he did and I couldn’t stop laughing….neither could Jack.
We were still laughing when we got to the rendezvous point. Looking around the small coffee shop I took a seat at the nearest table. “I guess we wait, they were probably chased so it might take them longer.” Jack raised an eyebrow, “Chased?” I shrugged, “Daniel has a rather large fan girl following…” Jack was about to say something when Kali and Sam ran up saying, “Hi.” Jack gave them a strange look, “Why were you running?” Kali answered, “We didn’t want to have to go to plan D.” Jack huffed a little as he asked, “What’s plan D?” I smiled, “Plan D is what to do if the others take to long or aren’t at the rendezvous point.” I paused realizing something was very wrong.
“Um…Kali…Where is Daniel?”
Next Chapter: Operation Boonie Bear
You know you’re a fan when Daniel’s disappearance doesn’t come as a surprise.