Respect
I was thinking about how I like to feel some semblance of respect, for me as a valid human being, even during conflicts.
Thing is, then I thought of how I have treated those I love, the stupid selfish things I have done, usually not even consciously, that have been so disrespectful. Though I try to be respectful in conflict, I am disrespectful in times of peace (which leads to conflict, duh). I take those I love for granted, and don't see how my coping mechanisms impact them.
In my last two relationships, I met them while I had other things on my back burner, near-future opportunities for wanton excess. Each of them thought/felt "he will forgo these for me". I even got their hopes up by saying that I probably wouldn't act on my back-burner things, that maybe they were right, perhaps they were enough to pass up these opportunities.
I didn't pass anything up, I indulged, fully, hurting those that I loved very deeply. Then, I was upset when either they retreated from me, or lashed out at me. I understand the anger, I understand the disgust and wanting to run from me. I just thought there was a way to mend things, perhaps one that still involved some respect for me.
I guess that is too much to ask of sane adults. Perhaps childish and immature of me to want.
But from this I learn to be more aware of my impact on those I care for. There's no going back, once I hurt someone, they are hurt, and will act accordingly, throughout the rest of the relationship. Even if that relationship changes parameters (Michelle and I broke up a month ago, but continued dating), the pain I cause is still there.
I need to address why I hurt people, before going into anything serious again. I need to address why I even consider myself available when I have other things on my back burner. Or maybe why I set up these far fetched situations in the first place. I am broken, I need to fix myself before I cause even more damage.
Thing is, then I thought of how I have treated those I love, the stupid selfish things I have done, usually not even consciously, that have been so disrespectful. Though I try to be respectful in conflict, I am disrespectful in times of peace (which leads to conflict, duh). I take those I love for granted, and don't see how my coping mechanisms impact them.
In my last two relationships, I met them while I had other things on my back burner, near-future opportunities for wanton excess. Each of them thought/felt "he will forgo these for me". I even got their hopes up by saying that I probably wouldn't act on my back-burner things, that maybe they were right, perhaps they were enough to pass up these opportunities.
I didn't pass anything up, I indulged, fully, hurting those that I loved very deeply. Then, I was upset when either they retreated from me, or lashed out at me. I understand the anger, I understand the disgust and wanting to run from me. I just thought there was a way to mend things, perhaps one that still involved some respect for me.
I guess that is too much to ask of sane adults. Perhaps childish and immature of me to want.
But from this I learn to be more aware of my impact on those I care for. There's no going back, once I hurt someone, they are hurt, and will act accordingly, throughout the rest of the relationship. Even if that relationship changes parameters (Michelle and I broke up a month ago, but continued dating), the pain I cause is still there.
I need to address why I hurt people, before going into anything serious again. I need to address why I even consider myself available when I have other things on my back burner. Or maybe why I set up these far fetched situations in the first place. I am broken, I need to fix myself before I cause even more damage.