Made both Aikido and dancing
After the hell of last night I managed to get some work done today, get to Aikido for the first time in about a week, and went out dancing.
Aikido was good, but I avoided sitting in the formal Seiza position, the sensei was kind enough to let me sit cross legged to be nice to my ankle. Shoulder got a little mangled by the pins, but people started going easier when I explained my shoulder issues. I'm such a physical mess these days, ugh! Some people stopped by to watch for a while, but left halfway through the class, not sure what scared them off.
In case folks didn't know, I have had both shoulders dislocated, and my left collar bone has been broken twice (in a row, I set it myself the second time). I also did something nasty to my trapezeous (back/shoulder/neck muscle) in Aikido a couple weeks ago. My ankle issues stem from me being born with a clubbed foot. Through leg bracing and physical therapy, it has been twisted around so I can walk/run/hike on it, but because the bones are still deformed, I'm prone to more ankle strain than most people. My ankle swells up in pain every so often, and occasionally just gives out. I have a cane, and it's not just for decoration, there are times that I use it to alleviate pressure on my ankle while walking around.
Anyway, so I went dancing tonight too, keeping it low key and not going as wild and intense as I usually do. I think I managed that pretty well. Ran into Kimberly, someone I met 2 or so years ago when I had Ethan couch surfing at my apartment (Kimberly was Ethan's gf back then). We chatted a bit, caught up a little, that was nice. But, she was on a date, so I didn't hang out too much, I didn't want to take up her time.
So when I wasn't dancing, that old "alone in a crowd" feeling started creeping in again. Squeezing, suffocating, that overwhelming crush of "you're not even worthy of acknowledgment". I even saw someone I knew, who knew me, but she completely ignored me, making sure to hug pretty much everyone there on her way out, with not so much as a wave to me. Then I noticed someone who looked like Asilwen there, but I was in too fragile of a headspace to deal with bumping into her. I left much earlier than planned.
*Sigh* To think, I was doing so well before. Amazing what a 2 1/2 hour barrage of hearing what a crappy shitty slimy worthless individual I am will do to me. What confidence I had built up has crumbled under the onslaught. Though, there is one thing I am proud of. I didn't back down. I held my ground, and kept what little self respect I still have intact.
It's been a month since the breakup, but some may count it as 2 weeks, and others may count it as one day. In some ways this is day one. Thank you, Michelle, for having the guts to do what I could not. While I pointed out how the bridge that I wrecked could still be crossed, you felt that firebombing it might give it strength. It did the opposite. Now, I can finally move forward.
Aikido was good, but I avoided sitting in the formal Seiza position, the sensei was kind enough to let me sit cross legged to be nice to my ankle. Shoulder got a little mangled by the pins, but people started going easier when I explained my shoulder issues. I'm such a physical mess these days, ugh! Some people stopped by to watch for a while, but left halfway through the class, not sure what scared them off.
In case folks didn't know, I have had both shoulders dislocated, and my left collar bone has been broken twice (in a row, I set it myself the second time). I also did something nasty to my trapezeous (back/shoulder/neck muscle) in Aikido a couple weeks ago. My ankle issues stem from me being born with a clubbed foot. Through leg bracing and physical therapy, it has been twisted around so I can walk/run/hike on it, but because the bones are still deformed, I'm prone to more ankle strain than most people. My ankle swells up in pain every so often, and occasionally just gives out. I have a cane, and it's not just for decoration, there are times that I use it to alleviate pressure on my ankle while walking around.
Anyway, so I went dancing tonight too, keeping it low key and not going as wild and intense as I usually do. I think I managed that pretty well. Ran into Kimberly, someone I met 2 or so years ago when I had Ethan couch surfing at my apartment (Kimberly was Ethan's gf back then). We chatted a bit, caught up a little, that was nice. But, she was on a date, so I didn't hang out too much, I didn't want to take up her time.
So when I wasn't dancing, that old "alone in a crowd" feeling started creeping in again. Squeezing, suffocating, that overwhelming crush of "you're not even worthy of acknowledgment". I even saw someone I knew, who knew me, but she completely ignored me, making sure to hug pretty much everyone there on her way out, with not so much as a wave to me. Then I noticed someone who looked like Asilwen there, but I was in too fragile of a headspace to deal with bumping into her. I left much earlier than planned.
*Sigh* To think, I was doing so well before. Amazing what a 2 1/2 hour barrage of hearing what a crappy shitty slimy worthless individual I am will do to me. What confidence I had built up has crumbled under the onslaught. Though, there is one thing I am proud of. I didn't back down. I held my ground, and kept what little self respect I still have intact.
It's been a month since the breakup, but some may count it as 2 weeks, and others may count it as one day. In some ways this is day one. Thank you, Michelle, for having the guts to do what I could not. While I pointed out how the bridge that I wrecked could still be crossed, you felt that firebombing it might give it strength. It did the opposite. Now, I can finally move forward.