The last 2 and a half months...
Truthfully I did nothing but read HP fan fics. I stopped paying any attention to the news. Stopped watching tv. Stopped thinking about how I fucked up my life etc. Just read fan fiction. It was very therapeutic actually. My anxiety was very, very low - I didn't need to take ONE ativan the entire time. My stress level was a lot lower as I refused to pay attention to all the crap that causes me stress. To that end, I'm going to continue to limit my exposure to political issues and the news in general as it just makes me nuts, especially since I can't control the idiocy. Since I can control my access to it, I see no need to continue to make myself crazy by paying attention to it. GET THEE BEHIND ME IDIOTS!!
What else? Well, I did actually put in an application for the alternative teaching program. The Board of Education cashed my check, and I expected to receive a letter stating that I was eligible to be employed so I could then begin seeking a job in time to start the next round of pre and in-service seminars. Since I obviously was not paying attention to things that made me nuts, I wasn't stressing over not getting this letter. I'm still not stressing actually. The deadline for entering the program is Dec 9, and I not only haven't gotten my letter, I haven't gotten a job in the system which I need to be eligible to enter the program. *cough idiots cough* The problem, I am sure, is that my background doesn't fit neatly into their qualifications, therefore I'm left in limbo. Square peg into round hole. So I have to call the Bd of Ed and light a fire under someone's ass. At this point I just want my money back. It's either that or wait and see if I can get in the program in July of next year. Yeah, uh huh.
Since the above would have involved getting a master's degree, I've been thinking about continuing my education in general. At first I thought maybe I'd get a Phd in Religion or Philosophy - continuing along the lines of my BA - and teaching at the college level somewhere. Then I realized that I was still thinking along the lines of what my family and my inner critic would think as an "acceptable" line of work. At this point, I realized that their opinion of what I do with MY life (especially if they give a damn whether I decide to continue living or not) is completely irrelevant.
Then I remembered I had wanted to get my MFA in ceramics a few years ago - but dismissed it as "unrealistic". Sigh. Well "unrealistic" or not, if I'm going to continue in this miserable existence, then I'm going to do it doing something that gives me joy. Period. Unrealistic my ass. So, as I've "sold" my land, and I'm actually getting a few bucks out of it, I've decided to not only buy a kiln, but to apply to a few MFA programs and see what happens. As it is, I've accepted the fact that without my active help to the contrary, I'll be around for more than a few more decades, and it would really be nice to spend them doing something that actually makes getting up in the morning worthwhile. Otherwise I see no point. Remarkable how depression can make one so pragmatic!
As far as dating is concerned. I don't care. Way too much energy for way too much disappointment. The guy I had a "crush" on for almost a year had decided to date someone else without expressly telling me so. I knew what was going on for awhile - it didn't really surprise me given his past lies of omission & lack of honesty. Truthfully, I didn't care enough to call him on it. I don't mind being his friend, at least this way, given his faulty application of the truth, I don't have to worry about his cheating on me.
I'm of two minds as far as sex goes. On the one hand, it's physically enjoyable and why block off that part of my human self? On the other, it's emotionally unfulfilling without an emotional connection. The excellent thing about reading the fan fic is that it seems to fulfill both my sexual and emotional (albeit by proxy) "needs". Meh. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'll continue to abstain until something better comes along.
What else? Well, I did actually put in an application for the alternative teaching program. The Board of Education cashed my check, and I expected to receive a letter stating that I was eligible to be employed so I could then begin seeking a job in time to start the next round of pre and in-service seminars. Since I obviously was not paying attention to things that made me nuts, I wasn't stressing over not getting this letter. I'm still not stressing actually. The deadline for entering the program is Dec 9, and I not only haven't gotten my letter, I haven't gotten a job in the system which I need to be eligible to enter the program. *cough idiots cough* The problem, I am sure, is that my background doesn't fit neatly into their qualifications, therefore I'm left in limbo. Square peg into round hole. So I have to call the Bd of Ed and light a fire under someone's ass. At this point I just want my money back. It's either that or wait and see if I can get in the program in July of next year. Yeah, uh huh.
Since the above would have involved getting a master's degree, I've been thinking about continuing my education in general. At first I thought maybe I'd get a Phd in Religion or Philosophy - continuing along the lines of my BA - and teaching at the college level somewhere. Then I realized that I was still thinking along the lines of what my family and my inner critic would think as an "acceptable" line of work. At this point, I realized that their opinion of what I do with MY life (especially if they give a damn whether I decide to continue living or not) is completely irrelevant.
Then I remembered I had wanted to get my MFA in ceramics a few years ago - but dismissed it as "unrealistic". Sigh. Well "unrealistic" or not, if I'm going to continue in this miserable existence, then I'm going to do it doing something that gives me joy. Period. Unrealistic my ass. So, as I've "sold" my land, and I'm actually getting a few bucks out of it, I've decided to not only buy a kiln, but to apply to a few MFA programs and see what happens. As it is, I've accepted the fact that without my active help to the contrary, I'll be around for more than a few more decades, and it would really be nice to spend them doing something that actually makes getting up in the morning worthwhile. Otherwise I see no point. Remarkable how depression can make one so pragmatic!
As far as dating is concerned. I don't care. Way too much energy for way too much disappointment. The guy I had a "crush" on for almost a year had decided to date someone else without expressly telling me so. I knew what was going on for awhile - it didn't really surprise me given his past lies of omission & lack of honesty. Truthfully, I didn't care enough to call him on it. I don't mind being his friend, at least this way, given his faulty application of the truth, I don't have to worry about his cheating on me.
I'm of two minds as far as sex goes. On the one hand, it's physically enjoyable and why block off that part of my human self? On the other, it's emotionally unfulfilling without an emotional connection. The excellent thing about reading the fan fic is that it seems to fulfill both my sexual and emotional (albeit by proxy) "needs". Meh. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'll continue to abstain until something better comes along.