Ugh
God, I want to eat. I'm not hungry really, what I am is: bored, frustrated, anxious, horny, lonely...
I've been looking for a steady job with good pay and benefits for 3 years now. I'm bored out of my mind. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut that's getting deeper and deeper... How many resumes do I have to send? I'm so damn tired of being underemployed and underpaid...
The plan, when I started this job was to use my days off to indulge in a bit of creativity - hand build some pottery, dabble in polymer clay... But I hate to say it, cause it makes me sound like some finicky "artiste" but I can't create in that house. The atmosphere is so so toxic to my well-being. I understand why when I was a kid I spent MOST of my time in the basement - away from the "family"...
I feel more depressed when I'm there, than when I'm not - gee wonder why?
Mother got lost coming home from the mall on Saturday. I don' t know when she left, must have been late afternoon because when I awoke from my nap at 5:30 she wasn't home - which surprised me. I was even more surprised when she wasn't home when it got dark. She doesn't drive at night cause she has trouble seeing. She called the house - I'm not sure of the time (early evening?), and told my dad that she was lost. He promptly when out looking for her. Around nine he called the house asking if she had called, cause he couldn't find her. She hadn't. Sometime later (9:30?) she finally calls again from the place she originally called from - I told her to stay there so dad can come and lead her home. They got home at 11pm.
My family does not show emotion, they barely acknowledge events. So, when they both get home, first thing out of my mom's mouth "It's 11 o'clock, why didn't you do the dishes?" Excuse me, mother, but doing dishes was not exactly on my mind. I have to remember to try and stay unemotionally involved. Silly me.
Before this drama began to unfold, I was planning on going away for what remained of the weekend. In fact, I was still planning to go away up until around nine - when I realized 1. my dad had my car 2. maybe this was more serious than it seemed at first glance.
Even though it was eleven o'clock, I'm sorry I hadn't gone. But the stress really drained me.
I gotta get out of that house. I'm tired of taking ativan (which is fucking up my orgasms), I'm tired of being so tightly wound as a result of living there.