snow white and the puerto rican princess
Title: Snow White and the Puerto Rican Princess
Author:
kalexico
Pairing, Character(s): Quinn, the Puerto Rican Princess, with side roles for Terr(i)or, RacHell, Schue, Brittany, Sam, Mercedes, Puck, (no1)Kurr, Blaime, Dianna Agron, Carl, Sue, Shelby, Holly, Sandy, Emma and Brian
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2173
Summary: Snow White with a twist.
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A/N: I wrote this as a crackfic three years ago and decided to adapt it to the Glee verse.
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Once upon a time, in a Bright Pink Castle (henceforth referred to as BPC), a Prince’s daughter grew up happy and content, in spite of a jealous stepmother. She was very pretty, with hazel eyes and long, blonde hair (wavy, even. Hell, it grew to her shoulders! Imagine that!)
Her skin was delicate and fair, and so she was called Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is that that was her main name. Everyone was quite sure she would become very beautiful. Though her stepmother was a wicked woman - and therefore her name was Terr(i)or - she too was very beautiful, and the magic mirror, who went by the name of Schue, told her this every day, whenever she asked it.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the loveliest lady in the land?” The reply was always: “You are, your Majesty,” until the dreadful day (the girl had grown up by then) when she heard it say; “Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, Snow White is the loveliest in the land.”
The stepmother, Terr(i)or, was furious and, wild with the green-eyed monster that also goes under the name of Jealousy, she began plotting to get rid of her rival. Calling one of her trusty servants - RacHell - she bribed her with a rich reward to take Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, RacHell had to take Snow White into the forest, far from the BPC.
Then, unseen, she was to put the blonde to death. The greedy servant, attracted to the reward (but also to Snow White’s, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she was also attracted to Snow White’s chambermaid Brittany, who had a thing for Sam, who had a thing for Mercedes, who had a thing for - well, you get the idea), agreed to do this deed, and she led the innocent girl away.
However, when they came to the fatal spot, RacHell’s courage failed her and, leaving Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she left Snow White sitting beside a tree, mumbled an excuse and ran off. Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she was all alone in the forest.
Night came, but the servant, RacHell, did not return. Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, Snow White was alone in the dark forest and she began to cry bitterly. She missed the bright pinkness of the castle terribly and would have given her left breast to return there. That was not the only issue: she thought she felt terrible eyes spying on her, and she heard strange sounds and rustlings that made her heart thump. Little did she know that the forest where RacHell the servant had left her was also known as The Shag Forest, where scary heterosexual people hid their deeds from the eyes of the normal, gay people, who would condemn them, burn them and drown them - or give them an injection (which contained the right fluids to make anyone gay, as they believed, and if that didn’t work, boobs would do the trick for girls and Puck (and by extension Puckasaurus would do the trick for guys).
At last, overcome by tiredness, she fell asleep, curled under a tree.
Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, Snow White slept fitfully, wakening from time to time with a start and staring into the darkness around her, so different from the bright pink she was used to. Several times, she thought she felt something, or somebody touch her as she slept. Many times she was very scared it would be the Abandoned (no1)Kurr or even worse - Blaime, the Gorilla. They were known for hiding there, for reasons completely beyond anyone’s imagination as they both were as gay as Naya Rivera and Dianna Agron combined.
At last, dawn woke the forest to the song of the birds who went by the names of Tina and Mike, and Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she too, awoke. A whole world was stirring to life and the girl was glad to see how silly her fears had been. However, the thick trees were like a wall round her, and as she tried to find out where she was, she came upon a path. She walked along it, hopefully. On she walked till she came to a clearing. There stood a strange cottage, with a tiny door, tiny windows and a tiny chimney pot. Everything about the cottage was much tinier than it ought to be. Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she pushed the door open.
“l wonder who lives here?” she said to herself, peeping round the kitchen. “What tiny plates! And spoons! There must be seven of them, the table’s laid for seven people.” Upstairs was a bedroom with seven neat little beds. Going back to the kitchen, Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she had an idea.
“I’ll make them something to eat. When they come home, they’ll be glad to find a meal ready.” Towards dusk, seven tiny dwarves marched homewards singing. But when they opened the door, to their surprise they found a bowl of hot steaming soup on the table, and the whole house spick and span. Upstairs was Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she was fast asleep on one of the beds. The chief dwarf prodded her gently.
“Who are you?” Brian the Chief Dwarf asked. Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she told them her sad story, and tears sprang to the Brian’s eyes. Then one of them, Sandy, said, as she noisily blew his nose:
“Stay here with us!”
“Hooray! Hooray!” they (being Carl, Sue, Shelby, Holly, Sandy, Emma and Brian) cheered, dancing joyfully round the girl. The dwarves said to Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, they said to her:
“You can live here and tend to the house while we’re down the mine. Don’t worry about your stepmother leaving you in the forest. We love you and we’ll take care of you!” Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she gratefully accepted their hospitality, and next morning the dwarves set off for work. But they warned Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, they warned her not to open the door to strangers.
Meanwhile, the servant, RacHell, had returned to the BPC, with the heart of a roe deer. She gave it to the cruel stepmother, telling her it belonged to Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she told Terr(i)or it belonged to the girl so that she, RacHell, could claim the reward. Highly pleased, the stepmother turned again to the magic mirror. But her hopes were dashed, for the mirror, Schue, replied: “The loveliest in the land is still Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is that she lives in the seven dwarves’ cottage, down in the forest.” The stepmother was beside herself with rage.
“She must die! She must die!” she screamed. Disguising herself as an old peasant woman, she put a poisoned apple with the others in her basket. Then, taking the quickest way into the forest, she crossed the swamp at the edge of the trees (she took a bath in it, unable to resist). She reached the bank unseen, just as Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she stood waving goodbye to the seven dwarves on their way to the mine.
Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point
is, she was in the kitchen when she heard the sound at the door: KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Who’s there?” she called suspiciously, remembering the dwarves advice.
“I’m an old peasant woman selling apples,” came the reply.
“I don’t need any apples, thank you,” she replied.
“But they are beautiful apples and ever so juicy! They taste like the juices of The Puerto Rican Princess who will save you from death - oops, sorry, please forget the last part and don’t ruin the story or you won’t get the kiss,” said the velvety voice from outside the door.
“I’m not supposed to open the door to anyone,” said the girl, who was reluctant to disobey her friends.
“And quite right too! Good girl! If you promised not to open up to strangers, then of course you can’t buy. You are a good girl indeed!” Then the old woman went on.
“And as a reward for being good, I’m going to give you one of my apples for free!” Without a further thought, Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she opened the door just a tiny crack, to take the apple.
“There! Now isn’t that a nice apple?” Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she bit into the fruit, and as she did, fell to the ground in a faint: the effect of the terrible poison left her lifeless instantaneously.
Now chuckling evilly, the wicked stepmother, Terr(i)or, hurried off. But as she ran back across the swamp, she tripped and fell into the quicksand. No one heard her cries for help, and she disappeared without a trace. The world was a happier place and everybody cheered, deciding promptly to sing a song and perform a choreography in costumes that happened to be ready, despite the fact that they were indeed all very poor - all of this without any kind of rehearsal (that goes without saying).
Meanwhile, the dwarves came out of the mine to find the sky had grown dark and stormy. Loud thunder echoed through the valleys and streaks of lightning ripped the sky. Worried about Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, they were worried about her and they ran as quickly as they could down the mountain to the cottage.
There they found Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she was lying still and lifeless, the poisoned apple by her side. They did their best to bring her around, but it was no use.
They wept and wept for a long time. Then they laid her on a bed of rose petals, carried her into the forest and put her in a crystal coffin.
Each day they laid a flower there.
Then one evening, they discovered a strange (for she was unknown to the dwarves, who knew all the scary heterosexuals hiding in the forest) young woman admiring Snow White’s lovely face through the glass. After listening to the story, the Puerto Rican Princess (for she was a princess!) made a suggestion.
“If you allow me to take her to the BPC, lovely place, I’ll call in famous doctors to waken her from this peculiar sleep. She’s so lovely … I’d love to kiss her… !” She did so, and as though by magic, the Princess’s kiss broke the spell. To everyone’s astonishment, Snow White opened her eyes. She had amazingly come back to life! Now in love (how could he not after kissing those luscious lips and while she was at it, groping a breast as well?) the Princess asked Snow White to marry her, and the dwarves reluctantly had to say goodbye to Snow White.
From that day on, Snow White, also known as Quinn, also known as Q, also known as- okay, the point is, she lived happily in a great castle that was even brighter pink than the one she had grown up in. But from time to time, she was drawn back to visit the little cottage down in the forest. The Puerto Rican Princess (who had no name for she was a princess in a story) often joined her and they made love if they found the dwarves were working in the mine.
Fin.