Failure
Frankly, I have no idea how to start these entries, so I'm just going to start talking.
My mood has been... muted since last night. And I feel worse typing these words, since I think I will be blamed for something else again. So I guess I'm a little it afraid as well. But I just feel like... there is an overwhelming sense of failure about me. But not about classes [heck, in the three tests scores that I have gotten graded so far, I have scored 95%, 96%, and 100%]. It's not about my sense of worth. It's not about any sort of tangible thing.
But I feel... that I have failed as a friend. And that hurts.
There are two people that make me feel like this. A boy and a girl. To respect their privacy, I won't name any names, but I'm sure that thay can figure out I am talking about them, and maybe others can figure it out as well.
Frankly... I have no idea what went wrong with the girl, and I'm still not sure. And I'm not even sure if it's still wrong, either. As far as I can tell anymore, it okay to talk to her as long as it is in some sort of business sense, but I shouldn't aprouch her in any sort of personal way. In a sense, she is sort of like a co-worker, and employee dating is strictly forbidden. Or something.
And then... there is the guy. He says I shouldn't blame myself, that I only feel bad because I DON'T want to be "the bad guy" that hurts others feelings. But... when he also said that I was one of the last reasons for him to be hanging around his place, and he is leaving becasue I was too busy in real life to interact that much, it... it hurts. I feel like I was the last rope, the critical link in the chain that suddenly snapped, and he is no longer "with us" because of that.
*sighs* Maybe I am just dwelling to much on this. Maybe I am just a 'naive and childish little boy'. But you know what? I don't want to be. And I have known that a long time. I know that I need to change, but it's hard when you don't have a plan.
That's why I went to a career fair last Tuesday. I only found out about it the mornign that it happened, and was only there for the very last hour so a lot of the tables were folding up. But I still got information on what, exactly, a mechanical engineering major DOES for his job, and maybe I will grow up to like doing that sort of stuff. But only time will tell.
My mood has been... muted since last night. And I feel worse typing these words, since I think I will be blamed for something else again. So I guess I'm a little it afraid as well. But I just feel like... there is an overwhelming sense of failure about me. But not about classes [heck, in the three tests scores that I have gotten graded so far, I have scored 95%, 96%, and 100%]. It's not about my sense of worth. It's not about any sort of tangible thing.
But I feel... that I have failed as a friend. And that hurts.
There are two people that make me feel like this. A boy and a girl. To respect their privacy, I won't name any names, but I'm sure that thay can figure out I am talking about them, and maybe others can figure it out as well.
Frankly... I have no idea what went wrong with the girl, and I'm still not sure. And I'm not even sure if it's still wrong, either. As far as I can tell anymore, it okay to talk to her as long as it is in some sort of business sense, but I shouldn't aprouch her in any sort of personal way. In a sense, she is sort of like a co-worker, and employee dating is strictly forbidden. Or something.
And then... there is the guy. He says I shouldn't blame myself, that I only feel bad because I DON'T want to be "the bad guy" that hurts others feelings. But... when he also said that I was one of the last reasons for him to be hanging around his place, and he is leaving becasue I was too busy in real life to interact that much, it... it hurts. I feel like I was the last rope, the critical link in the chain that suddenly snapped, and he is no longer "with us" because of that.
*sighs* Maybe I am just dwelling to much on this. Maybe I am just a 'naive and childish little boy'. But you know what? I don't want to be. And I have known that a long time. I know that I need to change, but it's hard when you don't have a plan.
That's why I went to a career fair last Tuesday. I only found out about it the mornign that it happened, and was only there for the very last hour so a lot of the tables were folding up. But I still got information on what, exactly, a mechanical engineering major DOES for his job, and maybe I will grow up to like doing that sort of stuff. But only time will tell.