"I don't want to go camping for my bacholorette party. I want to be showered with penises!!!"
I am emotionally volitile. I'm afraid I will always depend on a rainbow of pills to maintain a sense of self. To maintain my life, really. I missed a lot of meds this week, and my thoughts go straight back to Greenwood Cemetary and Shadow Cross Bridge. Oh, but I had plans kids. Ambitions. I'm tired again. All the time. Sleeping too late. Thinking too much. About money, about my job, about my ever declining health... I want myself back. I find it strange how little control I really have. And I dont know what I did wrong along the way. Doesn't make sense. Strange dreams. Not bad dreams, but unsettling. The kind where you wake up ill at ease and look out at the woods in discomfort. My stomach's not right. I've thrown up three out of four days, including while I've been typing this. No joke, I just barfed up my popcorn in a bucket I've had to keep in my room. Ever declining health, I say. Honey, I'm so worried about you.. I hate it when you're unhappy. You deserve so much better. And I know you know who you are. I wish I'd been there more, even though that wouldn't solve anything. I just wish I had is all. I love you lots. Don't be sad.