You can never out pretend yourself...
Well being on the steroid has put me on edge and although there is some relief it's sort of a fools paradise because now I can feel other things in other areas and I know something is definitely is wrong. I still have this weird chest pain and now I can feel weird things when I move my arms in my low back or like if I twist at the waist and use my arms.
I awoke this morning with less pain in my chest and less pain in my left arm but I feel like I'm on a count down clock for something to snap or just go wrong leaving me screaming in pain.
When I was at the office I said " It took everything I had to come here today and tonight I will pay for it in ten fold in pain" and Dr. B was like "No you will have this and you will be ok" to which I started sort of falling apart and said "This is my arms how am I not supposed to be terrified" and I just get this look like "Oh don't worry it will be fine" Yeah...
Maybe if I was someone else and hadn't lived thru complete and utter hell for like 20 years I might buy that and believe it but I know this monster well and I know when he awakens under my skin he's out to get me and I'm on limited time.
When ever one went to bed I just cried thinking "What have I done to myself now? How did I get here again?" God my last back surgery they removed my old fusion and extended it and made it longer and put it back in. Then because my blood pressure fell so low I couldn't have pain medication post surgery until it went up.
It was sort of like surviving a plane crash and hoping you would just die in the 7 days you were in the hospital before they transferred me to the rehab center. That was a whole other nightmare given I couldn't even hold myself up to sit and could only lay on my left side. Hell I even diagnosed my own blood clot in my left leg and informed the Nurse about it given my Mom's history I knew all the things to look for.
Or how about the day the two tech's tried to force me into that moving thing and I lost it on them and screamed at them and then somehow a hour later I got myself into bed and cried like a dying animal for a hour freaking out half of the staff begging people to just leave me alone.
Just because I live through nightmare after nightmare doesn't mean I wanna revisit the last two years I've struggled so hard through.
Fuck...Just the idea of another back surgery and going through all of that again is enough to break me. I just can't do it again or the recovery.
After this summers surgery and going though that and the emotional issues afterward and this endless carousel ride I'm on with the coumadin clinic and the hematologist I'm sick of it all. I'm at one or the other every other week and have been saying for months now I just can't take it anymore and don't wanna show up. I keep saying I'm worn out and just cannot go through this anymore much less keep up with the bills.
I think every person has their breaking point and I think lately I'm just shattered like that damn glass bridge in China. I feel robbed of a life I mean when you spend 20 years in hospital after hospital and recovery after recovery you lose yourself and whoever you were ever suppose to be.
Sometimes I just wonder to myself what its like to have a set of car keys in your hand and a place to go. Sometimes I look back and try to remember how I used to walk or how I was before all this ate and ate at me until the girl I was, was so faded you could no longer pick up her outline in a picture.
Who was that girl and how did I lose her and become this haggard aged reflection of a woman I don't even know anymore when I look in a mirror. When I look at her now I just cry for her and the day to come.
What do you do when you feel like life threw you away? How do you start over when there's nothing to start over with? How do you have hope when every aspect of life is taken away?
I keep asking myself question as I'm trapped in my head this week being afraid to move or breath...
I awoke this morning with less pain in my chest and less pain in my left arm but I feel like I'm on a count down clock for something to snap or just go wrong leaving me screaming in pain.
When I was at the office I said " It took everything I had to come here today and tonight I will pay for it in ten fold in pain" and Dr. B was like "No you will have this and you will be ok" to which I started sort of falling apart and said "This is my arms how am I not supposed to be terrified" and I just get this look like "Oh don't worry it will be fine" Yeah...
Maybe if I was someone else and hadn't lived thru complete and utter hell for like 20 years I might buy that and believe it but I know this monster well and I know when he awakens under my skin he's out to get me and I'm on limited time.
When ever one went to bed I just cried thinking "What have I done to myself now? How did I get here again?" God my last back surgery they removed my old fusion and extended it and made it longer and put it back in. Then because my blood pressure fell so low I couldn't have pain medication post surgery until it went up.
It was sort of like surviving a plane crash and hoping you would just die in the 7 days you were in the hospital before they transferred me to the rehab center. That was a whole other nightmare given I couldn't even hold myself up to sit and could only lay on my left side. Hell I even diagnosed my own blood clot in my left leg and informed the Nurse about it given my Mom's history I knew all the things to look for.
Or how about the day the two tech's tried to force me into that moving thing and I lost it on them and screamed at them and then somehow a hour later I got myself into bed and cried like a dying animal for a hour freaking out half of the staff begging people to just leave me alone.
Just because I live through nightmare after nightmare doesn't mean I wanna revisit the last two years I've struggled so hard through.
Fuck...Just the idea of another back surgery and going through all of that again is enough to break me. I just can't do it again or the recovery.
After this summers surgery and going though that and the emotional issues afterward and this endless carousel ride I'm on with the coumadin clinic and the hematologist I'm sick of it all. I'm at one or the other every other week and have been saying for months now I just can't take it anymore and don't wanna show up. I keep saying I'm worn out and just cannot go through this anymore much less keep up with the bills.
I think every person has their breaking point and I think lately I'm just shattered like that damn glass bridge in China. I feel robbed of a life I mean when you spend 20 years in hospital after hospital and recovery after recovery you lose yourself and whoever you were ever suppose to be.
Sometimes I just wonder to myself what its like to have a set of car keys in your hand and a place to go. Sometimes I look back and try to remember how I used to walk or how I was before all this ate and ate at me until the girl I was, was so faded you could no longer pick up her outline in a picture.
Who was that girl and how did I lose her and become this haggard aged reflection of a woman I don't even know anymore when I look in a mirror. When I look at her now I just cry for her and the day to come.
What do you do when you feel like life threw you away? How do you start over when there's nothing to start over with? How do you have hope when every aspect of life is taken away?
I keep asking myself question as I'm trapped in my head this week being afraid to move or breath...