[fic]Retribution Epilogue
Title: Retribution Epilogue
Rating: NC-17 (just to be safe but please don't get your hopes up)
Warning: angst and possible risk of cavities.
Characters: Fei Long, Mikhail.
Spoiler: None
Disclaimer: All VF characters belong to Yamane Ayano.
Beta: angel0399
Previous Chapters: For new readers, 'Retribution' is the third arc of a Mik x Fei trilogy that I've suffered my readers with since 2007. In order to make sense of it I'm afraid you will need to read 'Cruel Intentions' and its sequel 'Revelation' before you begin 'Retribution.' All the links are organized on the side bar of my lj kajornwan along with the trilogy's one-shot fillers. Russian, Chinese, Polish, Spanish, German, French, and Vietnamese! (thank you everyone!) translations by readers are also found here. To make life even easier, I have put them all in PDF format. Links can be grabbed from this post:http://kajornwan.livejournal.com/33060.html
The cool night breeze caressed softly through his hair. Above the horizon, the full moon hovered brilliantly in the distance, casting its mesmerizing reflection on the gentle waves of Victoria Harbor. It was a spectacular view from the penthouse, and on a night like this Mikhail would be outside, on his lounge chair by the pool drinking something he’d just invented because he needed something new.
From the outdoor speaker, a hauntingly sweet melody played. Fei Long closed his eyes as he allowed his mind to wander off somewhere not so long ago; when Moonlight Becomes You was played, and the night was just as beautiful, if not more.
Perhaps I’d just strategically put it on to seduce you because I know you like jazz.
How many spies did he have in Baishe? Fei Long wondered. How many things did Mikhail find out and made sure he remembered, just to get him to come here, standing on this platform, sharing this million-dollar view?
The moment I give in to you, you’ll find yourself on a plane back to Moscow for good.
He remembered saying those words, and there were times when he was sure it would happen. But Mikhail never did, he never could.
Fei Long rubbed his fingers on the small piece of jewelry in his hand, feeling the smooth, delicate gold surface that used to rest on his chest. He’d taken the pendent when he cleaned out his belongings from Mikhail’s villa. It was the only thing that had brought him back into those arms time and time again, the only thing that had held them together despite everything that had tried to tear them apart.
I belong to you, and you alone hold the key to my heart.
Mikhail still wore the bracelet the last time he saw him, but that promise wasn’t true anymore. The bond had been placed upon him without his knowledge; one that had grown into something precious and irreplaceable over the years, had now been reduced to nothing. Without both sides understanding its meaning, the pendent was just an old piece of jewelry, useless and incomplete. All it would do was hold him to something he could no longer have, to the man who would never be here, to memories that would soon turn into a dream that was never meant to come true.
Fei Long’s grip tightened as he tilted his arm back, aiming somewhere in the dark waters of the harbor.
“Before you throw that away, I’d like to hear how you got it.”
The deep, resonating voice that sounded from behind made his limbs freeze on the spot. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, calling upon his own strength before looking over his shoulder. Mikhail was standing by the patio door, leaning on the black frame, looking at him as if he’d been there for hours.
“What are you doing here?” Fei Long asked, his voice broken from the lump that suddenly solidified in his throat. He had made sure the penthouse would be empty and undisturbed when he’d asked Feodora if he could spend his last night in Hong Kong here. He was supposed to be alone-- Mikhail wasn’t supposed to know.
“She’s not the only one with spies in the family.” Mikhail stepped closer to him, pausing to stand by his side as he fixed his gaze somewhere in the distance. “It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” He said. “Did I use to bring you here?”
From the look in those eyes, Fei Long could tell it was too late for lies. The very fact that he’d requested to be there, in Mikhail’s personal space, needed no further explanation. “Too many times,” he replied. Too many times they had been there together, lingering by the pool until late at night, talking, fighting, dancing, and being in each other’s arms. He wished he could have told Mikhail these things, but what good would it do if he couldn’t feel it?
They stood there in silence for a while, before Mikhail glanced at his hand and the object it was holding, and Fei Long began to regret his decision to be there in the first place. He should have just let it go, walked away, and never looked back. Being there, with Mikhail by his side was only going to make it harder.
“I gave you that pendant,” Mikhail said. It wasn’t a question, but a statement that the man was convinced to be true.
The lump in Fei Long’s throat grew at those words, and he couldn’t find it in his heart to lie. Stretching out his palm, he looked at it for the last time before dropping it in Mikhail’s hand. It was time to let go. “By mistake, I’m sure.”
Mikhail’s penetrating eyes looked at him then and Fei Long found himself unable to look away. Perhaps he knew it would be the last time he would get to see that face, or he was just waiting-hoping-for something to appear in Mikhail’s memory. Just one conversation they’d shared, one word whispered. Or one moment, even for a second, that belonged to them would be enough. He would walk out of there, taking just that much with him, to keep, to hold, to treasure for as long as he was still breathing. One.
Mikhail’s lips parted a little, as though he’d just realized something important. His blue eyes focused on the other man as he reached over to touch Fei Long’s cheek. “I loved you, didn’t I?”
Those words tore apart something within him that could never be mended. It was the cold, hard truth he had to swallow. Mikhail did love him, just not anymore. Swallowing the tears he was refusing to shed, Fei Long clenched his fists as he forced himself to smile. “It was just a fling, nothing more. Goodnight Mikhail,” he said as he turned away, heading for the door.
It was just his name, one he heard every single day. But from Fei Long’s lips it did something to Mikhail that he couldn’t quite comprehend. His skin pricked at the sound; suddenly an unquenchable need surged through him like an electrical current that spread quickly from limb to limb. Like instinct, his hands reached out for the other man, and in a rush of unstoppable desire, he pulled the slender body close, somehow knowing that it would put an end to his craving.
“Don’t--” It was the only sound Fei Long could make before hot, greedy lips captured his and threatened to devour him whole. Breathless and shaken, he pushed himself away in an attempt to escape. The contact pried from him every restraint he had, demanding that he bare it all in the open, to strip him naked from the layers he’d placed between them.
“Don’t…” Fei Long could hear his protest fading away; somewhere between the kisses that burned his skin like fire, and the beating of his heart that pounded heavily against his ribcage as Mikhail pressed himself closer, until there was no more space left between them. In that moment he could feel it all collapse and crumble to pieces - the control he was suppose to have, the strength to set himself free, the will to do what was right despite the constant call of his heart. For one last time he wanted to feel it again, the way his body was wrapped so closely in the warmth of Mikhail’s embrace. Once again he could feel himself drowning, sinking into the bottomless depths of those sapphire eyes that saw only him. He prayed then, that he would never have to wake up; for this dream to never end.
***
But dreams always end and tomorrow always come.
Fei Long stood over the bed as he dressed himself in whatever was left of his shirt, taking care not to wake the man who was sleeping soundly on the far side of the bed. It wasn’t the first time Mikhail had ripped his clothes apart just to touch him a few seconds sooner. The man had never had patience when it came to sex, but it was why Fei Long had found himself addicted to his touch. To be with Mikhail was to be wanted, needed, to the point of suffocation. Against this man he could never win, physically or emotionally.
He picked up a cufflink that had fallen on the floor, and reached over near his pillow to pick up the other. Fei Long paused as Mikhail shifted his weight on the mattress and rolled onto his side, facing him. His eyes were still closed when his hand took hold of Fei Long’s wrist, pulling it back softly.
“Don’t go,” Mikhail murmured, his eyes blinked a few times to adjust to the light.
Fei Long smiled. How strange it was, that just yesterday he’d wished with all his heart Mikhail would say the words, that when he did, it would be the one thing that stops him from leaving. But now that he’d said it, all it did was to remind him that it was time to go. “I can’t stay,” he said, looking at the man who was still lying on the bed, half asleep. He thought how strangely handsome Mikhail looked with his post sex hair-it made him want to run his hands through it for hours.
“Why?” It was a casual question. Mikhail didn’t get up as he asked. He just lied there, looking at him adoringly, as if it had been one of those mornings when they had hung around lazily in bed until noon.
We could have had more of them, Fei Long thought, if only he hadn’t made himself too busy to stay, if he had known what he'd had before it became too late.
“Because your memories may return,” Fei Long replied as he seated himself on the bed, reaching over to run his fingers through the soft curls. It was a good morning, and he didn’t feel like keeping secrets or coming up with any more lies. After all that Mikhail had done for him, he thought he had owed the man at least that much.
Mikhail took his other hand, spreading it out with his, and began to fondle his fingers like a child playing with his favorite toy. “I want to remember you," he said, the words hummed gently in his throat in a dreamy way.
Seeing their fingers intertwined reminded Fei Long how much he used to love the roughness of Mikhail’s hands, how they scraped lightly on his skin and made every touch feel so permanent. He could do this all day, caressing those hands.
“It would only give you pain,” he said. If Mikhail only knew how happy he looked at that moment, he would understand the true meaning of his words. It wasn’t easy for him to swallow, when all he wanted to do was to put that carefree smile on Mikhail’s face again and again, but he only seemed capable of doing was the exact opposite. Everyone was right-- his existence was a curse that destroyed everything it touched. But he wouldn’t allow it to hurt those he loved anymore, especially Mikhail.
“It’s only pain,” Mikhail replied, casually, and obviously without thinking. He was just like that-- always diving into temptation nose first, without thinking of the consequences. It wasn’t Mikhail’s style to be safer than sorry. The man would rather die living to his heart's desire than live a long time hiding behind a rock. Fei Long had always known this-- he had loved Mikhail for it-- but to live with its price was a different story.
“You’ll fall, harder than you’ve ever fell.” He couldn’t go through it again, seeing Mikhail drive himself so close to death, watching him wake up in the middle of the night by those wretched nightmares.
“Then catch me.” A playful smile appeared on the ruggedly handsome face as he spoke, his hand wound tight around Fei Long’s as if to make sure he could not get away.
Fei Long wondered how Mikhail had made it sound so easy, as if it were only a matter of will, as if he could never fail. He reached over to touch the bandage on Mikhail’s temple. The last time he’d tried had proven it all wrong, and the evidence was still there, wrapped around his head like a reminder of his failure. He would never forget the sound of that gunshot, and how it felt to lose him, even if it had been only a few seconds, even when it had turned out to be untrue. “You’ll die because of me,” Fei Long said, his voice broken from the images it brought back into his mind. It was something he could not live with, and a risk he could not take.
Mikhail took the hand that lingered guiltily on his wound and planted a kiss on the curve of his palm. His hot, gentle breath brushed against the back of Fei Long's fingers as he spoke softly, “I’ll die without you.”
Why do they always come so easily, those words that tear down my walls in an instant, Fei Long held his breath as he thought. It was torture, hearing him say it, feeling the gentleness that Mikhail showered upon him like he had been born to do just that and nothing else, knowing that he could not stay. “Don’t make this any harder for me than it already is. You don’t know what you’re walking into.”
“I know these hands.” Mikhail looked up at him, reaching over to caress his cheek softly with his thumb. “I know the taste of your lips, the scent of your hair, the softness of your skin. I crave them like they were a part of me. I crave you like I’ve never craved anything in my life. I know this. I can’t survive without it.”
Fei Long found himself leaning into Mikhail’s touch knowing it was wrong, knowing it had to stop. How was he supposed to leave when everything felt so right? “You will get over it, sooner than you think.” He hoped it would happen, even though to him it simply wasn’t a possibility.
“I know what I want, Fei Long, I always have,” Mikhail said with a hint of irritation in his tone, his brows narrowed. “If you think running off to Shanghai would stop me from getting what I want, then you don’t know me well as you think you do.”
“Understand,” he added, “that I will chase you down to the ends of the Earth if you run. Either way, we’ll end up right here. You might as well save me the trouble.”
Do I know Mikhail? Fei Long couldn’t help asking himself that question. How many times had he pushed the man away, just to see Mikhail force himself back in, refusing to let go at whatever cost? It was who he was, and deep down Fei Long should have known nothing he could do or say would make a difference. They would end up exactly where they’d started, with Mikhail chasing him, barging his way in, and rounding him up by some unspeakable methods until he ended up in those arms.
“You persistent bastard,” Fei Long said as tears began to pool in his eyes. Somewhere along the way he’d completely forgotten, that against this man, he could never win or escape. Little by little Mikhail would make him bend to his wishes, against his will, and against all reason. And at that particular moment, Fei Long could find neither will nor reasons good enough to resist him.
Pushing himself up on the bed to sit next to him, Mikhail cradled his face in his hands. “Stay,” he said, this time in the tone that felt as lasting as a confession. “Stay with me. It will be ok. If you don’t want me to know something, I won’t ask. If you don’t want me to remember, then I won’t ever have to remember.”
It would be ok if Mikhail doesn't. They could just start over again, carefully. Whatever had been lost may be completely gone if they try. But could he live with what it also implied? “That means something else too, doesn’t it?” Fei Long said, his voice coarse and broken. He didn’t know where the tears had come from, but they rolled down his face and he couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard he’d tried. “You will never remember me.”
The hands on his face held him tighter, pulling him close until the bridge of their noses touched. Mikhail caressed his cheeks as he leaned closer to kiss away the tears, his lips hot and tender against his skin. “Then tell me,” Mikhail whispered. “Tell me everything I said, everything I did, everything that made you laugh, everything that made you smile. Tell me, everything I did for you and with you.” He paused and lifted the beautiful face up to look at him. “Stay, and I will do it all over again. I will love you all over again.”
I will love you all over again.
Fei Long closed his eyes to the sound of something that suddenly came crashing down inside of him. He cried he’d never cried before in his life, as if tears he’d refused to shed before had come pouring down all at once. It wasn’t what he wanted to do, but if there was anyone who could remove the weight he’d placed upon his own heart and hold him up so high, it was Mikhail.
“I’m alive, Fei Long. Right here, right now,” he said, running his hands through the silky black hair. “For every memory I’ve lost, I have a lifetime to make new ones. We have a lifetime to make new ones.”
It was true. Deep down, he knew Mikhail would do everything he said, every word of it. Mikhail was right, they had a lifetime to get to know each other and make new memories - ones that would be remembered for as long as they lived, as long as he was right here, with the one person who had always been his heaven on Earth, from the very first time he’d been held in these arms. They were wrong, all wrong. His existence wasn’t a curse-- it was a blessing. Everything that had happened had led him here, right where he belongs. “What did I ever do to deserve you?” Fei Long looked up and did his best to sniff away his tears.
Mikhail didn’t answer. He simply smiled and stretched out his palm. “Give me the pendent, I know you have it.”
Removing the key from his pocket, Fei Long couldn’t help throwing him a glare over an assumption that happened to be true. Mikhail could always read people like he was sitting in their minds; it was why he'd always been impeccable at manipulation. The man must have known that Fei Long never had the strength to throw it away from the beginning.
“Do you love me?” Mikhail asked.
It was a question Fei Long knew the man had always been afraid to ask, but now he could do it effortlessly. “Too much, and more,” Fei Long replied without a moment of pause. He knew that now. He was sure of it, as if it had been his sole purpose in life all along.
Mikhail placed the pendant around Fei Long’s neck and whispered softly in his ear, “I belong to you,” he said, “and you alone hold the key to my heart.”
The kiss that followed didn’t last long, but it would be remembered for a lifetime.
“Now tell me,” Mikhail said. “How did we meet?”
***************************** THE END ****************************************
And now, ladies and gentleman, is the where you go back to the beginning and read it all over again. XD Happy CI Triathlon!!
****
Special Thanks
I know this is unconventional, but due to time we’ve spent together worshipping this pairing, I feel I owe you guys a few words.
First of all, thank you my betas, hsyang wherever you are, I will always treasure your comments and your beautiful writing, angel0399 for working herself to death to do all my edits even though she has about 100 different jobs to do (that pays). Thank you my best friends on lj, new and old, who were involved in this fic: doujinsangel , miershyk, trimethoprim, char_comet, delwynmarch, silke_chan, jelly_rie01, Alex (I will always remember you), and of course, my betas, for being there, sometimes with a whip to get me going, and never hesitating to throw tomatoes when I mess up. Thank you Sunflower1343, without whose help I wouldn’t have survived writing Asami. To my translators in all seven languages, who had done a job I can never accomplish to help spread the love of this pairing all over the internet! To amazing VF authors, whose writing inspired me to start writing fan fiction for the first time and taught me so much over the years. To Yoh xFei fans who have been nice enough to open your heart to this possibility and allow me to take you on a ride. To the mods who had put up with my tantrums for the past 7 years (and I know that takes a lot of energy!). Thank you YA sensei for creating these gorgeous characters and leave me with so much to write
Most of all, thank you my readers whether or not you have ever commented for allowing me to take you on a ride until the end even though it takes me so long to update each chapter. For every essay-length comments that are priceless to me, because of them I have discovered my strengths and weaknesses, as well as the realization that I can accomplish this seemingly impossible task. I must have said this a hundred times, but without your words, I may have dropped this a long time ago and leave it unfinished like everything else I’ve written. So thank you, and double thank yous for those whose comments exceeded the character limit (gosh I love those)! I am honored to be read by such amazing individuals. I will try to bring you more Mik x Fei short stories if you guys still want some more, and I hope that you will enjoy my original story I will be posting from now on. Until then, my dear Fei fans, please go bug the #$%^ out of thegreymoon for Dire Consequence, and Delwynmarch for Rise.
Now if you don’t mind, please let me know what you liked about the story, who was your favorite, which part/scene(s) did you enjoy the most, and which you found most disturbing? This will help me improve my writing in the future and it’d be a fun discussion before we say goodbye, no?
*hugs all*
Rating: NC-17 (just to be safe but please don't get your hopes up)
Warning: angst and possible risk of cavities.
Characters: Fei Long, Mikhail.
Spoiler: None
Disclaimer: All VF characters belong to Yamane Ayano.
Beta: angel0399
Previous Chapters: For new readers, 'Retribution' is the third arc of a Mik x Fei trilogy that I've suffered my readers with since 2007. In order to make sense of it I'm afraid you will need to read 'Cruel Intentions' and its sequel 'Revelation' before you begin 'Retribution.' All the links are organized on the side bar of my lj kajornwan along with the trilogy's one-shot fillers. Russian, Chinese, Polish, Spanish, German, French, and Vietnamese! (thank you everyone!) translations by readers are also found here. To make life even easier, I have put them all in PDF format. Links can be grabbed from this post:http://kajornwan.livejournal.com/33060.html
The cool night breeze caressed softly through his hair. Above the horizon, the full moon hovered brilliantly in the distance, casting its mesmerizing reflection on the gentle waves of Victoria Harbor. It was a spectacular view from the penthouse, and on a night like this Mikhail would be outside, on his lounge chair by the pool drinking something he’d just invented because he needed something new.
From the outdoor speaker, a hauntingly sweet melody played. Fei Long closed his eyes as he allowed his mind to wander off somewhere not so long ago; when Moonlight Becomes You was played, and the night was just as beautiful, if not more.
Perhaps I’d just strategically put it on to seduce you because I know you like jazz.
How many spies did he have in Baishe? Fei Long wondered. How many things did Mikhail find out and made sure he remembered, just to get him to come here, standing on this platform, sharing this million-dollar view?
The moment I give in to you, you’ll find yourself on a plane back to Moscow for good.
He remembered saying those words, and there were times when he was sure it would happen. But Mikhail never did, he never could.
Fei Long rubbed his fingers on the small piece of jewelry in his hand, feeling the smooth, delicate gold surface that used to rest on his chest. He’d taken the pendent when he cleaned out his belongings from Mikhail’s villa. It was the only thing that had brought him back into those arms time and time again, the only thing that had held them together despite everything that had tried to tear them apart.
I belong to you, and you alone hold the key to my heart.
Mikhail still wore the bracelet the last time he saw him, but that promise wasn’t true anymore. The bond had been placed upon him without his knowledge; one that had grown into something precious and irreplaceable over the years, had now been reduced to nothing. Without both sides understanding its meaning, the pendent was just an old piece of jewelry, useless and incomplete. All it would do was hold him to something he could no longer have, to the man who would never be here, to memories that would soon turn into a dream that was never meant to come true.
Fei Long’s grip tightened as he tilted his arm back, aiming somewhere in the dark waters of the harbor.
“Before you throw that away, I’d like to hear how you got it.”
The deep, resonating voice that sounded from behind made his limbs freeze on the spot. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, calling upon his own strength before looking over his shoulder. Mikhail was standing by the patio door, leaning on the black frame, looking at him as if he’d been there for hours.
“What are you doing here?” Fei Long asked, his voice broken from the lump that suddenly solidified in his throat. He had made sure the penthouse would be empty and undisturbed when he’d asked Feodora if he could spend his last night in Hong Kong here. He was supposed to be alone-- Mikhail wasn’t supposed to know.
“She’s not the only one with spies in the family.” Mikhail stepped closer to him, pausing to stand by his side as he fixed his gaze somewhere in the distance. “It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” He said. “Did I use to bring you here?”
From the look in those eyes, Fei Long could tell it was too late for lies. The very fact that he’d requested to be there, in Mikhail’s personal space, needed no further explanation. “Too many times,” he replied. Too many times they had been there together, lingering by the pool until late at night, talking, fighting, dancing, and being in each other’s arms. He wished he could have told Mikhail these things, but what good would it do if he couldn’t feel it?
They stood there in silence for a while, before Mikhail glanced at his hand and the object it was holding, and Fei Long began to regret his decision to be there in the first place. He should have just let it go, walked away, and never looked back. Being there, with Mikhail by his side was only going to make it harder.
“I gave you that pendant,” Mikhail said. It wasn’t a question, but a statement that the man was convinced to be true.
The lump in Fei Long’s throat grew at those words, and he couldn’t find it in his heart to lie. Stretching out his palm, he looked at it for the last time before dropping it in Mikhail’s hand. It was time to let go. “By mistake, I’m sure.”
Mikhail’s penetrating eyes looked at him then and Fei Long found himself unable to look away. Perhaps he knew it would be the last time he would get to see that face, or he was just waiting-hoping-for something to appear in Mikhail’s memory. Just one conversation they’d shared, one word whispered. Or one moment, even for a second, that belonged to them would be enough. He would walk out of there, taking just that much with him, to keep, to hold, to treasure for as long as he was still breathing. One.
Mikhail’s lips parted a little, as though he’d just realized something important. His blue eyes focused on the other man as he reached over to touch Fei Long’s cheek. “I loved you, didn’t I?”
Those words tore apart something within him that could never be mended. It was the cold, hard truth he had to swallow. Mikhail did love him, just not anymore. Swallowing the tears he was refusing to shed, Fei Long clenched his fists as he forced himself to smile. “It was just a fling, nothing more. Goodnight Mikhail,” he said as he turned away, heading for the door.
It was just his name, one he heard every single day. But from Fei Long’s lips it did something to Mikhail that he couldn’t quite comprehend. His skin pricked at the sound; suddenly an unquenchable need surged through him like an electrical current that spread quickly from limb to limb. Like instinct, his hands reached out for the other man, and in a rush of unstoppable desire, he pulled the slender body close, somehow knowing that it would put an end to his craving.
“Don’t--” It was the only sound Fei Long could make before hot, greedy lips captured his and threatened to devour him whole. Breathless and shaken, he pushed himself away in an attempt to escape. The contact pried from him every restraint he had, demanding that he bare it all in the open, to strip him naked from the layers he’d placed between them.
“Don’t…” Fei Long could hear his protest fading away; somewhere between the kisses that burned his skin like fire, and the beating of his heart that pounded heavily against his ribcage as Mikhail pressed himself closer, until there was no more space left between them. In that moment he could feel it all collapse and crumble to pieces - the control he was suppose to have, the strength to set himself free, the will to do what was right despite the constant call of his heart. For one last time he wanted to feel it again, the way his body was wrapped so closely in the warmth of Mikhail’s embrace. Once again he could feel himself drowning, sinking into the bottomless depths of those sapphire eyes that saw only him. He prayed then, that he would never have to wake up; for this dream to never end.
***
But dreams always end and tomorrow always come.
Fei Long stood over the bed as he dressed himself in whatever was left of his shirt, taking care not to wake the man who was sleeping soundly on the far side of the bed. It wasn’t the first time Mikhail had ripped his clothes apart just to touch him a few seconds sooner. The man had never had patience when it came to sex, but it was why Fei Long had found himself addicted to his touch. To be with Mikhail was to be wanted, needed, to the point of suffocation. Against this man he could never win, physically or emotionally.
He picked up a cufflink that had fallen on the floor, and reached over near his pillow to pick up the other. Fei Long paused as Mikhail shifted his weight on the mattress and rolled onto his side, facing him. His eyes were still closed when his hand took hold of Fei Long’s wrist, pulling it back softly.
“Don’t go,” Mikhail murmured, his eyes blinked a few times to adjust to the light.
Fei Long smiled. How strange it was, that just yesterday he’d wished with all his heart Mikhail would say the words, that when he did, it would be the one thing that stops him from leaving. But now that he’d said it, all it did was to remind him that it was time to go. “I can’t stay,” he said, looking at the man who was still lying on the bed, half asleep. He thought how strangely handsome Mikhail looked with his post sex hair-it made him want to run his hands through it for hours.
“Why?” It was a casual question. Mikhail didn’t get up as he asked. He just lied there, looking at him adoringly, as if it had been one of those mornings when they had hung around lazily in bed until noon.
We could have had more of them, Fei Long thought, if only he hadn’t made himself too busy to stay, if he had known what he'd had before it became too late.
“Because your memories may return,” Fei Long replied as he seated himself on the bed, reaching over to run his fingers through the soft curls. It was a good morning, and he didn’t feel like keeping secrets or coming up with any more lies. After all that Mikhail had done for him, he thought he had owed the man at least that much.
Mikhail took his other hand, spreading it out with his, and began to fondle his fingers like a child playing with his favorite toy. “I want to remember you," he said, the words hummed gently in his throat in a dreamy way.
Seeing their fingers intertwined reminded Fei Long how much he used to love the roughness of Mikhail’s hands, how they scraped lightly on his skin and made every touch feel so permanent. He could do this all day, caressing those hands.
“It would only give you pain,” he said. If Mikhail only knew how happy he looked at that moment, he would understand the true meaning of his words. It wasn’t easy for him to swallow, when all he wanted to do was to put that carefree smile on Mikhail’s face again and again, but he only seemed capable of doing was the exact opposite. Everyone was right-- his existence was a curse that destroyed everything it touched. But he wouldn’t allow it to hurt those he loved anymore, especially Mikhail.
“It’s only pain,” Mikhail replied, casually, and obviously without thinking. He was just like that-- always diving into temptation nose first, without thinking of the consequences. It wasn’t Mikhail’s style to be safer than sorry. The man would rather die living to his heart's desire than live a long time hiding behind a rock. Fei Long had always known this-- he had loved Mikhail for it-- but to live with its price was a different story.
“You’ll fall, harder than you’ve ever fell.” He couldn’t go through it again, seeing Mikhail drive himself so close to death, watching him wake up in the middle of the night by those wretched nightmares.
“Then catch me.” A playful smile appeared on the ruggedly handsome face as he spoke, his hand wound tight around Fei Long’s as if to make sure he could not get away.
Fei Long wondered how Mikhail had made it sound so easy, as if it were only a matter of will, as if he could never fail. He reached over to touch the bandage on Mikhail’s temple. The last time he’d tried had proven it all wrong, and the evidence was still there, wrapped around his head like a reminder of his failure. He would never forget the sound of that gunshot, and how it felt to lose him, even if it had been only a few seconds, even when it had turned out to be untrue. “You’ll die because of me,” Fei Long said, his voice broken from the images it brought back into his mind. It was something he could not live with, and a risk he could not take.
Mikhail took the hand that lingered guiltily on his wound and planted a kiss on the curve of his palm. His hot, gentle breath brushed against the back of Fei Long's fingers as he spoke softly, “I’ll die without you.”
Why do they always come so easily, those words that tear down my walls in an instant, Fei Long held his breath as he thought. It was torture, hearing him say it, feeling the gentleness that Mikhail showered upon him like he had been born to do just that and nothing else, knowing that he could not stay. “Don’t make this any harder for me than it already is. You don’t know what you’re walking into.”
“I know these hands.” Mikhail looked up at him, reaching over to caress his cheek softly with his thumb. “I know the taste of your lips, the scent of your hair, the softness of your skin. I crave them like they were a part of me. I crave you like I’ve never craved anything in my life. I know this. I can’t survive without it.”
Fei Long found himself leaning into Mikhail’s touch knowing it was wrong, knowing it had to stop. How was he supposed to leave when everything felt so right? “You will get over it, sooner than you think.” He hoped it would happen, even though to him it simply wasn’t a possibility.
“I know what I want, Fei Long, I always have,” Mikhail said with a hint of irritation in his tone, his brows narrowed. “If you think running off to Shanghai would stop me from getting what I want, then you don’t know me well as you think you do.”
“Understand,” he added, “that I will chase you down to the ends of the Earth if you run. Either way, we’ll end up right here. You might as well save me the trouble.”
Do I know Mikhail? Fei Long couldn’t help asking himself that question. How many times had he pushed the man away, just to see Mikhail force himself back in, refusing to let go at whatever cost? It was who he was, and deep down Fei Long should have known nothing he could do or say would make a difference. They would end up exactly where they’d started, with Mikhail chasing him, barging his way in, and rounding him up by some unspeakable methods until he ended up in those arms.
“You persistent bastard,” Fei Long said as tears began to pool in his eyes. Somewhere along the way he’d completely forgotten, that against this man, he could never win or escape. Little by little Mikhail would make him bend to his wishes, against his will, and against all reason. And at that particular moment, Fei Long could find neither will nor reasons good enough to resist him.
Pushing himself up on the bed to sit next to him, Mikhail cradled his face in his hands. “Stay,” he said, this time in the tone that felt as lasting as a confession. “Stay with me. It will be ok. If you don’t want me to know something, I won’t ask. If you don’t want me to remember, then I won’t ever have to remember.”
It would be ok if Mikhail doesn't. They could just start over again, carefully. Whatever had been lost may be completely gone if they try. But could he live with what it also implied? “That means something else too, doesn’t it?” Fei Long said, his voice coarse and broken. He didn’t know where the tears had come from, but they rolled down his face and he couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard he’d tried. “You will never remember me.”
The hands on his face held him tighter, pulling him close until the bridge of their noses touched. Mikhail caressed his cheeks as he leaned closer to kiss away the tears, his lips hot and tender against his skin. “Then tell me,” Mikhail whispered. “Tell me everything I said, everything I did, everything that made you laugh, everything that made you smile. Tell me, everything I did for you and with you.” He paused and lifted the beautiful face up to look at him. “Stay, and I will do it all over again. I will love you all over again.”
I will love you all over again.
Fei Long closed his eyes to the sound of something that suddenly came crashing down inside of him. He cried he’d never cried before in his life, as if tears he’d refused to shed before had come pouring down all at once. It wasn’t what he wanted to do, but if there was anyone who could remove the weight he’d placed upon his own heart and hold him up so high, it was Mikhail.
“I’m alive, Fei Long. Right here, right now,” he said, running his hands through the silky black hair. “For every memory I’ve lost, I have a lifetime to make new ones. We have a lifetime to make new ones.”
It was true. Deep down, he knew Mikhail would do everything he said, every word of it. Mikhail was right, they had a lifetime to get to know each other and make new memories - ones that would be remembered for as long as they lived, as long as he was right here, with the one person who had always been his heaven on Earth, from the very first time he’d been held in these arms. They were wrong, all wrong. His existence wasn’t a curse-- it was a blessing. Everything that had happened had led him here, right where he belongs. “What did I ever do to deserve you?” Fei Long looked up and did his best to sniff away his tears.
Mikhail didn’t answer. He simply smiled and stretched out his palm. “Give me the pendent, I know you have it.”
Removing the key from his pocket, Fei Long couldn’t help throwing him a glare over an assumption that happened to be true. Mikhail could always read people like he was sitting in their minds; it was why he'd always been impeccable at manipulation. The man must have known that Fei Long never had the strength to throw it away from the beginning.
“Do you love me?” Mikhail asked.
It was a question Fei Long knew the man had always been afraid to ask, but now he could do it effortlessly. “Too much, and more,” Fei Long replied without a moment of pause. He knew that now. He was sure of it, as if it had been his sole purpose in life all along.
Mikhail placed the pendant around Fei Long’s neck and whispered softly in his ear, “I belong to you,” he said, “and you alone hold the key to my heart.”
The kiss that followed didn’t last long, but it would be remembered for a lifetime.
“Now tell me,” Mikhail said. “How did we meet?”
***************************** THE END ****************************************
And now, ladies and gentleman, is the where you go back to the beginning and read it all over again. XD Happy CI Triathlon!!
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Special Thanks
I know this is unconventional, but due to time we’ve spent together worshipping this pairing, I feel I owe you guys a few words.
First of all, thank you my betas, hsyang wherever you are, I will always treasure your comments and your beautiful writing, angel0399 for working herself to death to do all my edits even though she has about 100 different jobs to do (that pays). Thank you my best friends on lj, new and old, who were involved in this fic: doujinsangel , miershyk, trimethoprim, char_comet, delwynmarch, silke_chan, jelly_rie01, Alex (I will always remember you), and of course, my betas, for being there, sometimes with a whip to get me going, and never hesitating to throw tomatoes when I mess up. Thank you Sunflower1343, without whose help I wouldn’t have survived writing Asami. To my translators in all seven languages, who had done a job I can never accomplish to help spread the love of this pairing all over the internet! To amazing VF authors, whose writing inspired me to start writing fan fiction for the first time and taught me so much over the years. To Yoh xFei fans who have been nice enough to open your heart to this possibility and allow me to take you on a ride. To the mods who had put up with my tantrums for the past 7 years (and I know that takes a lot of energy!). Thank you YA sensei for creating these gorgeous characters and leave me with so much to write
Most of all, thank you my readers whether or not you have ever commented for allowing me to take you on a ride until the end even though it takes me so long to update each chapter. For every essay-length comments that are priceless to me, because of them I have discovered my strengths and weaknesses, as well as the realization that I can accomplish this seemingly impossible task. I must have said this a hundred times, but without your words, I may have dropped this a long time ago and leave it unfinished like everything else I’ve written. So thank you, and double thank yous for those whose comments exceeded the character limit (gosh I love those)! I am honored to be read by such amazing individuals. I will try to bring you more Mik x Fei short stories if you guys still want some more, and I hope that you will enjoy my original story I will be posting from now on. Until then, my dear Fei fans, please go bug the #$%^ out of thegreymoon for Dire Consequence, and Delwynmarch for Rise.
Now if you don’t mind, please let me know what you liked about the story, who was your favorite, which part/scene(s) did you enjoy the most, and which you found most disturbing? This will help me improve my writing in the future and it’d be a fun discussion before we say goodbye, no?
*hugs all*